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Original poster

How do you finish with someone nicely?

29 replies

marymarie · 10/10/2005 15:11

Have been seeing a man for about 6 weeks and i dont think its going anywhere. We get on well and the sex is good but long term i dont think theres anything there.

I have 3 small children. He has always said he never wants us to end up living together, he doesnt want kids around. He said if i didnt have kids it would be different but as they are there then our relationship has to stay casual.

at the moment i dont have any deep feelings for him other than we get on great. I dont love him or anything and hes never said he loves me.

I do want us to stay friends though so want to finish things nicely between us.

I have to finish it with him cause i can easily see that if i keep seeing him i could end up falling for him and dont want to be hurt.

thank you xxx

OP posts:
madmarchscare · 10/10/2005 15:55

He was honest enough to tell you straight that he didnt want to live with your kids so I say you just need to tell him straight too.

Hey, look, I know you dont want to do the family thing, so I think we ought to call it a day.

Easy peesy.

MeerkatsUnite · 10/10/2005 15:58

End it now before you get further emotional pain. Feel that you are being used for the sex - sorry. How can you have intercourse with someone you say you don't love or loves you in return?. This is highly damaging to your good self and can really screw you up.

Why would you want to stay friends with such a man?. This is rarely if ever a good idea. Ex's are ex's often for good reason. Your plan to stay friends could well backfire and he does not want your children around either.

He does not sound at all good for either you or your children (whom he does not want around anyway). He actually sounds both immature and selfish and calls all the shots.

It sounds like you are very lonely. Is there no way you can widen your own circle of people you mix with?.

JoolsToo · 10/10/2005 15:58

and smile

expatinscotland · 10/10/2005 16:00

I agree 100% w/madmarch! Honesty is the way to go. Plain and simple: I see your point of view and mine with regards to family is not the same. I respect you too much as person not to be upfront . . .

Then that's it.

Blu · 10/10/2005 16:03

Mary Marie - if he has ben so upfront about his lack of long-term interest in someone with kids, I think it is v sweet of you to be considering ending it nicely - in effect he has already decreed an end at some point, hasn't he? All you are doing is setting the date!

Tell him that you are sensitive to his need to steer clear of a relationship with kids, you are grateful that he has been honest about it, and you want to respect his honesty by not continuing something that clearly has no future, so you'd like to stop 'so that you can remain the good friends we obviously are'...'I have had a lovely time, but we both know...etc etc'.

And I do think you are right to end it. Sad, but good luck.

madmarchscare · 10/10/2005 16:08

You could then go on to try and arrange something (with other friends), a drink or whatever, and his reaction should tell you whether or not he is still worth being friends with.

expatinscotland · 10/10/2005 16:09

Yeah, but get him to pay for it.

Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 16:39

I see him once a week at his house. Hes never been over to where i live. He is a fair bit older than me and i have wondered if i am just an ego boost for him (hes 46 and im 24) but he says not.

He is really loving when we are together but never calls me or emails me - im always calling him.

the more i think of it the more annoyed i get - am i just sex to him???

I just called him cause i am due to go see him tonight and he has cancelled cause of work. was planning to end it tonight but will have to wait til i see him (some of my stuff is at his house so dont want to fall out with him before i get it back)

It was nice having some attention though and it was the first time anyone other than the kids dad (we seperated about a yr ago) had seen my post baby body - stretchmarks and all, and he said it was beautiful

but i cant put myself through falling in love and being hurt and my emotions are swinging from thinking 'hes so sweet' to 'hes using me' sometimes its so obvious and i get angry but then when im lonely i think of how sweet he is.

so best to get out whilst i still can!!

OP posts:
Blu · 10/10/2005 16:44

Um, well I'd say the sex was a significant ingredient in his enthusiasm! But he hasn't been stringing you along, so nothing intrinsically wrong with that.

expatinscotland · 10/10/2005 16:46

Of course he says it's not!

He never calls or emails you - but he's more than happy to shag you when you do?

Yes, hon, he's using you for sex, and I hope you've been practicing safe sex as well.

Why do you have to wait till you see him? He obviously doesn't have much consideration for YOUR feelings. If it makes YOU feel better to end it now on the phone, then go for it!

You don't owe him anything.

Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 16:48

hes been nothing but honest with me, he said right from the start that he wanted a casual relationship - i just chose to get selective hearing when he said it but have come to my ssenses and realised that i dont want casual - i want commitment and security for my kids, and although this man is a good laugh and i enjoy spending time with him, i wont get what i need from him.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/10/2005 16:51

Then I'm sure he'll be understanding with if, when and how you chose to end it.

If someone ended it like that w/me, I'd offer to bring their things to them.

But I don't know this fella, maybe he's different. It seems the honest thing to do.

Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 16:51

and we always had safe sex - i was really careful and didnt want to catch anything or get pregnant - but hes worse than me!! he has this thing about me accidently getting pregnant. last thing he ever wants.

although he has an 8 year old son that lives with him (his mam ran off a couple of years ago) he will never kiss me infrount of him and wont even sit next to me on the sofa if his son is around cause he is very clingy (as he would be)

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 10/10/2005 16:55

Let me get this right - he "doesn't want kids around" but he has an 8 year old son who lives with him?

Wonder where that leaves his poor son?

I'd get out asap if I were you - he not only sounds like trouble but doesn't sound like a very nice person at all!

Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 16:59

he adores his son, the whole world revolves around him. I was thinking thats why he maybe doesnt want anymore kids around? i dont know, perhaps im trying to make excuses for him - does that mean i have more feelings for him than i thought i did - hope not!!
but i do seem to be clinging on to the making excuses for him thing.

Part of it is, once in 'single' again, im going to miss being with someone and having the company of a man around. but my kids have to come first and i couldnt be with anyone that didnt accept them as part of me.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 10/10/2005 17:00

Marymarie,

Am glad you've come to your senses by realising in your own mind this is going nowhere fast.

Think you need to rid yourself of your own selective hearing - it does you no favours.

You don't need him in your life under any pretext - he's no good for you at all. Feel like you've been used by him for sex. He just wants his cake and eat it as well.

If you want more than just a casual fling which is ultimately meaningless (this was something based on lust so motivated purely by sex) then you're going to have to put some emotional work in yourself and widen your own circle of friends.

You are worth far more than just a sex based casual fling with someone old enough (and therefore perhaps more worldly in your eyes) to take advantage of your young years. You may not believe that but you are.

Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 17:03

hes the same age as my dad and older than my mom

stupid thing is - i know im being used. how bad is that. I know im being used and yet i still willingly go and visit him. He calls me his toy girl to his mates. Makes me feel cheap. Why can i see this now but when im with him i see none of it????

I think if i wait til i see him to tell him i might find myself putting it off or not being able to be so strong. Might be better to call and get it over with so i can move on.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 10/10/2005 17:05

I also feel sorry for his 8 year old son. Not at all surprised to see that this boy is clingy. With all that's happened to him the past couple of years I expected nothing less.

You are better off staying well clear of it all or you'll be dragged further into this other messy situation.

Blu · 10/10/2005 17:08

I'm not sure that one single Dad looking for a nice time with a single Mum who knew all along it was 'fun' (and has after all, had a nice time too) makes him a horrible user and her a mug!

Well done for recognising that it IS the right time to put a stop to it, though MM, many people would have continued headlong into deluded disaster!

And 24 is still plenty of time for you to have lots of casual relationships, too, if you feel like it!

Blu · 10/10/2005 17:09

x-posted with you saying it made you feel cheap. Yes, say goodbye whilst you can with no harm done.

MeerkatsUnite · 10/10/2005 17:10

Mary Marie,

"I know im being used and yet i still willingly go and visit him".

This comment of yours screams out to me that you have a lack of self esteem. You are also lonely and are desperate for any sort of male company no matter how unsuitable it actually is.

My counsel to you is to do emotional work on yourself and improve your own self worth and esteem.

He calls you his "toy girl" and uses this term around his mates?. That is both so cheap and nasty. He's an arse frankly.

Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 17:10

I knew it was just fun and have had a great time, laughed alot and relaxed alot with time away from the kids too - but all good things must come to an end i suppose. was worrying when i started to daydream of familiy picnics and holidays!!

OP posts:
Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 17:12

well i had fun til i got home and started to actually think about what had been said and stuff - then the realisation began to kick in.

and hes kinda short too, never liked being taller than the bloke

OP posts:
Original poster
marymarie · 10/10/2005 17:12

and you are right about my self esteem meercats.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 10/10/2005 17:16

Well fun for him perhaps. He treated you appallingly even though you knew from the beginning it was a casual fling.

Let this be a lesson learnt to you - don't sell yourself short again!!!. No using selective hearing again either!!!.

You need to work on yourself too re your own self worth and self esteem.

I'm sorry to say the above. I don't mean to come across as harsh but you're selling yourself short and you deserve a lot better.