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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One year on after leaving abusive relationship.....all positive ladies

36 replies

daphaneee · 27/01/2011 22:44

I've been trying to find my old posts as I've changed names since I first posted when I originally left. I was happysadconfused if anyone could help me out it would be great just to see (not just for me but others too) how far I have come in a year. A year ago today I was such a mess, really, and continued to be a mess for a few months. I posted here so desperate and confused and scared really.... and received such support and it gave me strength, along side the strength I received from my family and friends, I embarked on the year that has just gone. I was very, very fragile at first. I and my DS (4 then) spent 3 months with my parents, while I got myself together, but that got very difficult and I knew I was going to have to find our own place. With help and fate we found somewhere, very scary at first, but it got better and we are still here, making it into a home still, but we both feel it is our home, our safe haven, me and DS, at the end of every day, it is where we want to be. He loves his nursery, that he's been attending since last Easter. One day I was walking him to nursery and I passed a college notice for enrolling into a childcare and development course, bit the bullet (thought f**k it what have you got to lose) and three hours later I found myself enrolled. I started my course in September, doing something I've always wanted to do, but was always made to feel that "NVQ's are useless" or "you'll never do that!" I'm volunteering in my local school while my son is in nursery for 2 and a half hours a day, it's the only spare time I have but I'm making the most of it, gaining experience, getting to know people and desperately trying to find the time to do the course work. But I am doing it, and I am loving it! (please excuse if I am going on!)
All of this is just a product of what I have become this last year. I left a 15 year relationship, I was in my early 20's the last time I was single. This year to my surprise and delight I am finally becoming the person I have been searching to be, desperate to be for the last 15 years, not realising in all that time I was held back, and generally in torment really, for a long time. I would never have realised that unless I was away from the "situation" and my god, the change in me is unbelievable! My family and close friends see it and are amazed and so happy at the change, in me, I've become me! Finally! At the age of 39. It's a bit of an essay I know, my apologies, but I'm so proud and happy, and I just remember how scared I felt at the beginning, and just wanted to say...to someone who needs to hear it, like I did this time last year... it will get better, a lot better.....way better than you can even imagine. The best thing is I know this is the start, I'm already strong, whole, confident, assertive(most of the time) but I am still getting there, and I can go as far as I like.... and I'm enjoying the ride! Sorry for the ramble, glass or two of red! I have just completed the most difficult yet best year of my life, so I think I'm allowed! Well done if you read it all. Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 22:50

And well done to you !

Heartwarming indeed.

You are allowed to feel proud of yourself. I feel proud of you.

Will you stick around and reach out to others who are still in the same place you were a year ago ? Your experiences would be profoundly helpful, I think x

CoffeeDodger · 27/01/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daphaneee · 27/01/2011 23:02

I think you were one of the posters on my first thread AF. I have been lurking throughout this year, most days, posting now and then but not much. Just want to add....as I don't want to give the impression it's been easy, it's been far from easy. There's been tears and tantrums from me and my boy, in equal measures at times... it took a long time to adjust (we still are) but I know, with no doubt, I have done the best thing for everyone! And yes, I am allowed to be proud, bloody right I am! All of a sudden I'm allowed to be a lot of things (Wink) proud is just one of many! Smile

OP posts:
kyotokate · 27/01/2011 23:14

Look at this page

daphaneee · 27/01/2011 23:15

CoffeeDodger. Hi.
I didn't deal with it in the beginning, I sort of waited to see what happened really, and it wasn't pretty. Screaming at me in the street, abusive texts (never, ever responded to, which is why I don't get them any more), all of this happened up to around Sept/Oct. (going on since Jan) Not responding to insults, being polite, only communicating when it regarded our son, it was very, very difficult and to be honest I fucked up quite a few times, biting at the bait. But each time I did I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. I did, of course, but forgave myself every time and learned a little bit every time. (One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year is to be kind to myself and forgive myself for my mistakes!) I don't bite any more. Not to say I won't in the future, but I take note and learn from each time. He doesn't know the person I am now, he hasn't got a fucking clue, and I would never have made it here while I was with him! God knows where I'll be in another years time, it's so exciting to think about, really, honestly!

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 27/01/2011 23:17

Well done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

daphaneee · 27/01/2011 23:17

You found me kyotokate, god, need to have a breather before I look at this...

OP posts:
manicbmc · 27/01/2011 23:17

Well done! Also a year out of a 20 yr abusive relationship. It is fan-fucking-tastic. Grin

caramelwaffle · 27/01/2011 23:19

?

caramelwaffle · 27/01/2011 23:20

Oops

I meant

. Bump

kyotokate · 27/01/2011 23:20

And I should add.... congratulations... onwards and upwards xxx

blackeyedsusan · 27/01/2011 23:23

Keep posting want to know more. just starting to think about what you have done.

kyotokate · 27/01/2011 23:40

Do look at your first thread it makes it really really clear how far you have travelled ... I went through the same thing years ago (DD is now in her 30's) and it was hard at the time but if I had not left her father my life would have been so very different and I don't think my relationship with my DD would be as positive as it is now.

daphaneee · 27/01/2011 23:43

Jesus (sorry any religious persons/peoples) thanks for the link to my original post kyotokate, bloody hell! I cried reading that! So difficult, but it almost feels like someone else, and I just want to hug her. Does that sound strange? The fucker He gives me ten pound a week for his son by the way! House is still on the market. So basically the whole year, I....we have managed (read struggled but doing ok) just bloody fine thank you very much on our own!

OP posts:
daphaneee · 27/01/2011 23:48

I have kyo, and I've been trying to find it just for that reason, thank you. It's not just me that's benefiting from becoming the person really I am (was always meant to be but just got there a little later than most). Onwards and upwards has been my motto for the last six months...Smile

OP posts:
daphaneee · 28/01/2011 00:07

manicbmc, yes it is fan-fucking-tastic Grin
blackeyedsusan, does your name give us a clue to your "situation"? Look, it's not bloody easy, I've been lonely at times, really bloody lonely. But I didn't want my son growing up thinking it was ok to see his dad being so abusive to his mum. To see any man being abusive to any woman, let alone his mama. I am breaking the cycle. I believe my ex is like this because of his fucked up childhood with his parents, and I will not see that happen with my son if I can help it. It is the main reason why I left. I was with him a long time before my son came along, I never had the guts/heart/self worth to question what went on before that, didn't want to upset the apple cart. Now his apple cart is still upset, one year on, but it isn't my problem any more, I've taken his shite for long enough. I have to think of my son and myself now, and what ever lies in front of us, I will make sure it's bright and positive!

OP posts:
daphaneee · 28/01/2011 00:17

thanks caramelwaffle....yum Smile

OP posts:
daphaneee · 28/01/2011 09:11

CoffeeDodger, I didn't really answer your question last night did I? When you say you don't trust him, in what way? Are you worried about their safety?
And I also didn't say last night manicbmc......congrats to you too! Smile
One correction btw, my DS was 3, not 4 when I left.

OP posts:
moocowme · 28/01/2011 12:41

hopefully i shall have time to give a response tomorrow.

pity their is not a like button in MN

NicknameTaken · 28/01/2011 14:09

Hurray! Well done, daphanee!

CoffeeDodger · 28/01/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daphaneee · 28/01/2011 17:32

He does yes, once a week at the moment. My son isn't too well at the moment, so I can't reply to you as I would like to. I will be back when I have more time, but I didn't want you to go unanswered, I know how scary all the uncertainty can be.

OP posts:
LordofthePies · 28/01/2011 17:49

Just wanted to say that thanks to your courage, you and your son will now have a completely different life and a much better one.

Onwards and upwards!

ModreB · 28/01/2011 18:13

OP your DS has a mother that he can be very, very proud of.

humanheart · 28/01/2011 18:34

well done you STAR

i did it too - and people said I was like a bird let out of a cage. every single day I didn't have to see him, he wasn't coming home - amazing! someone saw me from the top of a bus and called me saying "what's happened to you - you look completely different!"

I FELT IT Smile

coffee - the logistics weren't easy and it took time. but don't forget to REJOICE (daily!) that you're free on a daily basis. focus on it: it gets you through the difficulties you face in the future.