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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can any computer wizards work out how he is doing this???

40 replies

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 12:05

Ok so im paramoid about my dp's laptop habits, there have been a couple of arguments about the porn junk mail he gets and a bit of porn, we have sorted that out sort of, i have asked him to not use inprivate browsing as it makes me more suspicious and paranoid but he is getting rid of his history somehow.

We have google as the homepage, its my email and my password on the history and i leave it logged out, he defo does not know the password, but when he sometimes goes on i can see if the google drop down bar the sites he has searched for but in the history they are not there, now i know when you click in favorites you can see history and delete it there but it does not take it out of the web history you have to sign into to delete, so how is he doing it? I have tried being in inprivate but the google drop down bar is not there and if i look at something when i come out it doesnt alter to google drop down bar in the normal search screen???

Also last night i nipped back downstairs while i was bathing kid and he was on facebook and then later on i went on a few sites but today in web history there is absoloutly nothing in there, so is there a way of turning it off?
i know i sound like a physco but just to know how he is doing it would make me feel better!!!!!

OP posts:

juneybean · 27/01/2011 12:08

I'm a bit confused but can you confirm which explorer you are using?

Internet Explorer
Firefox
Google Chrome

antlerqueen · 27/01/2011 12:10

Er, no offense, but it seems like you are monitoring a child. Why don't you trust your husband?

Butterbur · 27/01/2011 12:11

Why don't you ask him? Not only how he is doing it, but why. Tell him how suspicious it makes you feel.

I have access to DHs laptop,and all his passwords, and he to mine. This means we never bother to actually look.

Malificence · 27/01/2011 12:14

My laptop loses full days of history, so it could be a glitch.

You dont say which browser you use but in tools/ browser history settings - view files, you can see the whole history, whether it's been deleted or not. HTH.

madonnawhore · 27/01/2011 12:19

Why are you sneaking around spying on your husband? Do you have good reason not to trust him?

By the way I get mountains of porn spam all the time and I've no idea how or why they've got my email address. I just forward it all to junk mail.

SummerRain · 27/01/2011 12:22

You can right click on any item in History and delete it.

More to the point though, why are you so suspicious? I get spam porn all the time and have never been on any dodgy sex sites... bit of a thin stretch imo

Original poster

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 12:23

hi sorry im not very good on computers and neither is dp, its internet explorer and google as the search engine, when i keep going on about the google drop down bar i dont mean the very top one where you can type the exact web address in, that one stays the same, the websites dont delete, when i try to delete the web history through safety, it deletes those too.
antlerqueen i know its awful that this is what we have got too, i have found porn sites he has been on in the past and it really really upsets me, hes been geting junk mail from chat sites and sites for local sex and im back to being a paranoid mess, we have sorted that out and i do believe that he has not been on chat/date sites and they are junk stemming from maybe stuff in the past but he is trying to trick me now by deleting stuff when he knows ive seen him on, its pathetic i know i dont want to be looking at the history i want him to just be open and honest not keep deleting everthing, as it just fuels my paranoia, im 10 weeks pg too so my hormones are making me go crazy.
we do both have access to pretty much all each others passwords accounts, but he is still acting like he has something to hide. and i cant stop thinking about it, if i knew how he did i would stop trying to figure it out and put this thing to bed!

i cant ask him i have already tried and he says he doesnt even know how to delete history but he is obviously lying.

OP posts:

ginnny · 27/01/2011 12:23

Nothing like trust is there???

I would be bloody furious if DP was checking up on me like this. Not that I look at porn or do anything dodgy, but still its an invasion of privacy to be policed like this.
I think you need to talk to him and deal with why you can't trust him. This is more important than working out how he's deleting the history.

juneybean · 27/01/2011 12:42

In Internet Explorer in the drop down bit there's a red cross next to each address and you can remove it from there?

Original poster

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 12:49

ah ok im defeted, your all right im a complete fuck up, i have no real reason to not trust him apart from a few white lies he tells me, im a very open honest person ive been very hurt in a past relationship where i think some of this stems from, dp is quite secretive and i suppose the combo doesnt always match, i thought id get slated for being so insecure and ridiculous, he promised he would stop hiding and deletig things and i promised id stop looking in the history and neither of us have kept to the promise.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 27/01/2011 12:52

You are not a fuck up neverlookback!

I can understand why you want to see the history because of his lies. The lack of trust was his doing by lying.

Can you take the laptop to a shop and get the settings checked?

Butterbur · 27/01/2011 12:54

You're not a fuckup. He has form for unacceptable online activity, and it's natural that you're suspicious. It sounds like he's still deliberately hiding stuff from you, and probably up to his old tricks.

You still need to talk to him about it. Is it a deal breaker?

blinder · 27/01/2011 12:57

Someone has to earn trust if they've lied in the past. If he is deleting his history, despite promising not to, no wonder you are suspicious!

You don't have to agree with the posters saying you should blindly trust. None of them are in your position.

Original poster

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 13:00

im pg with my 3rd dc, his 2nd, so its not really a deal breaker but be the situation diff it may be and its causing a lot of upset and anxeity, i love him, god i want to trust him, he gets so mad when we talk/argue that it goes on for days, i cant handle how upset i get, its no good for me or the baby, i know he is deleting stuff now as he wants to see if i bring it up so im obviously checking up on him, he as now logged out of his hotmail so i cant get in, (he normally leaves it logged out so i can go in anytime i like) i know he is hurt by my snooping and quite rightly so but he makes it worse by continuing to be so secretive on purpose.
he wont help me to get better, he wont try counselling etc he says its all my problem but its not really is it.

OP posts:

blinder · 27/01/2011 13:06

No it's not just your problem.

madonnawhore · 27/01/2011 13:08

Sounds like you have good reason not to trust him, especially as he's not sticking to his side of the bargain.

Although you could be in danger of getting into tit for tat game playing here as it sounds like he might be on to your snooping and trying to double bluff you. Not a very mature way of handling things. Can you not be the grown up here and start an open and honest discussion with him?

prettywhiteguitar · 27/01/2011 13:13

ginnny for a start how is that helpful seeing as you are not lying as the op's partner has and certainly sounds like he still is now ?? Trust has to be earned and not by lying still

I would contront him and say I see that you are still deleteing your history, I really don't care how or why but we really need to sort this out. Just reiterate that you love him and don't make this too much about your past as if my dp was being secretive it would make me upset.

Maybe you need to accept that its not a habit he will get out of lightly ? Maybe it needs to be talked about a bit more without getting upset, he is obviously not wanting to upset you.

can you talk about it slightly objectively like you don't agree with porn and that it is exploitative ? This may put pictures in his mind rather than making it a dirty little secret that might even make it feel more exciting ? My friend helped her dh see that some of the girls will not have been wanting to do the things shown and that they may have been trafficked from other countries. I think that it put a seed of doubt and made it less exciting for him. She also said you can look at it if you want but I don't want to be in the house and not with her dd there. I think it hit hiome a bit more and made it about him rather than her.

Sorry if this sounds totally naive and ot helpful !

KikiJane · 27/01/2011 13:14

Wow, this all sounds a bit crazy. I would be furious if my BF was checking up on me like this. It's seriously a deal-breaker for me.

KikiJane · 27/01/2011 13:16

Also, he's probably being secretive to wind you up. He knows you're sneaking around checking up on him and so is deleting everything to teach you a lesson. Not particularly mature, but an understandable response IMO.

blinder · 27/01/2011 13:21

But Kiki have you been secretly using porn / dating sites in the past? Probably not.

Original poster

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 13:22

prettywhiteguitar i have tried this approach and i have explained that although porn does upset me and make me feel like im not good enought for him i do accecpt that most men do look and i have to accecpt that, but chat sites or ones for meeting for sex are absoloulty banned and i would end the relationship over this, he has promised and i do believe him that he would not go on these types of sites. its the fact he is still covering up just his normal everyday internet use now that has got me in a spin.
I will bring it up again but it gets so mad, he has already snapped 1 laptop in half over this type of discussion and this one spent an night in the bin at weekend. god he sounds awful doesnt he !! he is not good at "talking" and does go about things in quite a childish way ie, keep deleting his history, i have tried every way of figuring out how he is doing it but i cant, if i delete what ive been on from the top bar with the list of history, when i log into my google account and go to web history (he does not have access to this) they still show in this history.
Its his laptop, is there a way from the start bar?

OP posts:

blinder · 27/01/2011 13:23

I wouldn't care at all if my DP were checking my history. He doesn't afaik but then he has no reason to. I've never had any secrets or done anything that might hurt him if he were to find out.

blinder · 27/01/2011 13:24

Wish I could be more helpful technically!

Original poster

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 13:26

KikiJane i agree, i would feel the same if he was doing this to me but i have absoloutly nothing to hide, but he says he doesnt either, he is doing it to wind me up and its bloody working,

How can i solve this and move on, how can i let it all go stop looking in the history, should i let him be in charge of the password for the history etc, i want to move on from this and enjoy how good we are together and we are having another baby which he wanted so much, more than me at first, i just want to be happy and feel safe and secure that everything is going to be ok? its like im waiting for something bad to happen, so much so that im almost making it happen?

OP posts:

Original poster

neverlookback · 27/01/2011 13:28

thanks blinder, i know, its not like he is really good on computers hes rubbish but he has figured something out or got someone from work to show him how!! the only computer genius i know is my ex husband!! can you imagine how that would look if i asked him for advice on this!! haha

OP posts:

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