i am scared i have lost my closest friend - due to her awful DH

[superv1xen]

i don't know where to start here to be honest. i fear this is going to be long. i have posted before about this horrible man that my dearest friend is married to, he is controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, lazy round the house, refuses to work (in fact boasts about being on benefits to the point where he makes jokes about people that do work paying for him to sit on his arse), doesn't pay the bills but will happily spend what little money they have coming in on himself, and is "stepdad" to my friends little DD yet he doesn't help with her or interact with her unless he has to.

he is a typical control freak like you read about on here, wanting to spend all his time with her, no real friends of his own, moved in with her within 5 minutes, married within a year or so, wanting more DC with her straightaway. yet he has never worked the whole time he has been with her - typical "cocklodger" basically.

he has also caused her to be estranged from her own mother and other best friend, because they dared to speak out and tell her what they thought of him. and he turned her against them. she now doesn't speak to either of them and hasnt done for over a year now :( all they did was care for her and her DD's wellbeing. for this reason, until now, i have never commented on his behaviour, because i didn't want to end up losing her as a friend.

he is also horribly sleazy and always making sleazy, pervy comments, "jokingly" to and about me and my friends other female friends. and my friend just sits and takes it all because she is "in love" with him for some bizarre reason. she also can never do anything on her own, he always has to tag along when she sees friends etc.

the last straw came two days ago when i invited my friend and her DD round for tea at my house and he showed up with them he kept making snidy remarks about DS and told him off a couple of times when there was no real need to, he just doesn't like DS for some reason and i think he just wanted to exert his authority tbh. he has told my DC off for no valid reason on several occasions. in fact, he doesn't like kids much it seems. he also kept making his usual pervy "joking" comments to me and i was just sat there getting more and more angry but i didn't dare say anything while they were there as it would have caused a big scene and made my friend uncomfortable. and then he would undoubtedly have waited until they got home and had a big go at her :(

i spent the whole evening seething over it and decided that i was going to finally be honest with my friend and i sent her an email saying that i didn't want her DH telling off my DC ever again and that also i felt that his constant sleazy comments to me are unacceptable.

the next morning i received a very long, terse reply defending him on every point, saying he was very "hurt" by my comments, that he thought it was ok to tell DS off and he doesn't mean any of his sleazy comments, its just his personality etc etc, its as if he has brainwashed her. i think either she had either shown it to him or he has access to her emails and had read it himself. i have replied back to her, and texted her a couple of times, but she has not got back to me, she hasnt replied to my email, or texted or called either, and i daren't ring her because i know he will be there.

i have got a horrible feeling that i have lost her :( like her mum and other close friend did. she is my best friend (as juvenile as that phrase might sound) we had our first babies together, we have helped eachother through thick and thin, relationship break ups, heartbreak and also been there for all eachothers happy times, i have told her things i have never told anyone and vice versa. and this ARSEHOLE has been in her life less than 2 years and turned her into this submissive, mousy girl that will throw away her family and friends at his demand. :(

i am sorry this is long and rambling. i dont know if anyone can help me or not, just wanted to get it out really.

Thats really sad. I think all you can do is send her a text saying that you hope you can still be friends and that if she feels she can't now then if she ever changes her mind even years down the line you will be there for her. Hopefully she will one day wake up to what an arsehole he is.

You can't save people from themselves. All you can do is let her know that you love her and you will always be there for her.

But you cannot allow this 'man' to behave in an abusive way to your child and you should not accept sexual remarks directed at you, and if the price you have to pay for that is that your friend chooses to not have anything to do with you because you will not allow those things, then you will have to, reluctantly, accept that.

Hopefully she will come to her senses before he has her totally brainwashed.

I hope he is not threatening or violent towards her?

send the text to say you are still her friend and always be there for her if ever she needs you.

Kepp sending it every month or so for her to know she is not forgotten and when she does eventually get out of the relationship then she will come back to you.

It's a hard situation.
You could now though really go for him in a way that you couldn't before couldn't you. You could email him with exactly what you think of him ccing your friend.

He played a blinder there, didn't he?

The whole reason he came, uninvited, to lunch was to upset you and goad you into saying something. Then he can finally ostracise her one remaining friend. She now is entirely in his clutches.

Don't panic, that is probably a good thing. This is when she will see the full force of his personality and hit rock bottom. Then the only way is up, and out.

If you continued to say nothing, you were enabling this charade to carry on longer than was good, giving her the facade of a normal life. While she is with him, she isn't having a normal life. The sooner she sees that, the better.

She'll be back, and need you then. You did the right thing standing up to him.

I'd re-group with the mother and the other friend and make a pact to be ready to pick up the pieces when this thing falls apart.

Sadly, this was inevitable. Eventually you would have given him a "way in" in order to crowbar the two of you apart. I agree with the others that all you can do is keep the lines of communication open.

You could send her an email basically telling her how it is - that this man has separated her from all she loves. But it's a very high-risk strategy.

I don't understand why you sent her an email about his bad behaviour - it was bound to put her on the defensive. You should have tackled him about it, preferably to his face while she was there to gauge his reaction.

It doesn't sound very hopeful but I agree with the others, the scales will fall from her eyes and then she will really need her friends. Do you live near each other, are you likely to bump into her from time to time? If so, just try to be friendly and open so that you know that you don't bear her any ill will.

I read this post in the vain hope that perhaps it had been posted by an old,dear friend of mine.
It isn't about me.
But it could have been me 2 yrs ago.

I was in a similar "relationship" and believed I was "in love" with my one true "soulmate".
Although the red flags were there early on,I developed ways to ignore or rationalise them.

I gradually became isolated from the few friends I had when I met him.
My oldest ,once close,friend - who had always been the person whose house I knew I could turn up at ,at any time of day or night,lives 200miles away.She was the last to meet him,although she had heard about him in long chats over the phone - only the "Good" version ,though.

She is a social worker,in child protection,and when she first met him,he was very charming.This rang bells with her,she later said.I did run to her when he began his abuse,and on several previous occasions when he got worse.

She was kind,supportive and never said anything untoward about him.Until the last time, when I was leaving her house after running to her in a state,but leaving having been up all night listening to his seduction,getting "hooked" back in....she said "He's a bully,who's got you where he wants you".

I avoided her for ages.(looking back,because I knew she was right ,and could "see the truth" that I was avoiding seeing)

Then ,after a final split up and reconciliation,I got pg .When I told her,she said "I hope he meets all your needs".

I sent her a tx when dd was born,but she has never been in touch.I imagine she thinks we are still together,but I saw the light after posting on here ,and have had no contact with him since dd,now 10months,was a week old.

I really miss her.She was right,I couldn't see it - didn't want to.
I have no idea how to get back in touch.But I wish I could.

Agree with all others posting and hope my story helps.

I agree, too. I like the idea of keeping very slightly in touch with your friend, and of contacting her mother and friend. It's so very sad. Our close friends are as important to us as family - we don't lose them lightly, and it must have pained you to see what was happening to her. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for yours, too, PM. Isn't it frightening that this happens? I hope some woman, somewhere, is reading this and thinks "Hmmm, none of my friends like my partner either! And I haven't seen my family for ages ..."

oh gawd.

does the dh do anything away from her? if theres any time of day/week you know she is alone ring her up. keep ringing and sending the 'i'll be there for you' texts. just don't give up.

Very very sad.

I suspect that your friend may not even have seen your initial e-mail. There is a good chance imo that he read it and replied to it pretending to be her.

I would leave it a week or two and then try and call round on some minor pretext and see how the land lies?

Ditto everyone else. It's incredibly sad, but you can't live other people's lives for them. Just tell her you love her and will be there for her, whenever. She probably won't listen to anything else, but by all means stress how she has strangely 'lost' her friends and support since she's been with him and ask her what sort of role model he is for her children.

Sadly, I think this was bound to happen, he's been on a mission to alienate her and unfortunately he's succeeded (but she was always going to let him, she just can't see it yet). Don't give up hope. Sometimes it just takes a little thing to open your eyes.

Piranha - can you not just send your friend a letter - real old fashioned solution. Explain how much she meant to you and how grateful you are for all that love. It must have been really draining for her to be there all those times and maybe she just feels exhausted by it. Tell her that you've dumped the loser and would love to welcome her into your abuse free home to meet your DD? I'm sure she'd love to get a letter like that.

you may have to wait a few years for her to come out the other side of this (IME)

break for now, you both have long lives ahead of you and this jerk won't be around forever

keep pinging her a regular message, Christmas, Birthday, Child's birthday so she knows she isn't forgotten.

and always make it clear the door is open for HER (only) whenever & wherever

not a lot else you can do at this stage, but no reason why you have top put up with jerk sa well

Piranha - I was on the receiving end of a letter on the lines of what Belle suggests.

I couldn't get on the phone quick enough , and it was a lot longer than 2 years since I last saw the person concerned

You've nothing to lose

looks like her partner knows exactly what hes doing and thats to alianate her from friends and family.

give it a day or so and try to contact her again for all you know her partner could be giving her a really hard time right now or you could bite the bullet and go round to see them both explain you dont want to fall out over it.

if all fails txt her and tell her that you will be there for her if ever shes needs you, given time she might come to her senses

Piranha - call your friend. As catinthehat says, you've nothing to lose.

I bet she misses you too.

This happened to me, albeit when I was very young. My best friend was with a much older man. We had planned to go on holiday together but when I rang her to arrange our last minute cheap flights o was told by her mum that she had gone on holiday with her boyfriend for 3 weeks.

I was so angry and even more so as she never contacted me on her return. We didn't speak for 2 years.

Eventually she contacted me after she left him. She said he came home with the tickets and told her that they were going together or he would leave her. He was also physically abusive.

He too was incredibly charming.

You can't change her mind but make sure the door is open for her when she needs you.

We are now still very close and she is married to a wonderful man who I adore.

How sad.

I agree with the other posters that until she is ready to see him as he really is, you cannot help her.

Are you in touch with her mother and the other friend?

Piranha
Phone your friend, or send her a letter.

thank you for all the replies, just wanted to reply directly to a few points some of you had made:

hecate - exactly - the last straw was when he told off DS and said things about him, i will keep my mouth shut for a lot of things but when it comes to my DC i will not stand for things that are not acceptable. also, he is not physically threatening towards her, just emotionally abusive, ie, puts her down, makes her feel inferior, always going on about other women and how much other women fancy him and flirt with him etc (they don't btw, he is fat and ugly )

perfumedlife you are so right about the enabling thing, by never saying anything about his behaviour, i am enabling it because it is making them both think it is normal.

lalalonglegs - i sent her an email because i can't phone her as he is always there and i can't tell her when she is alone, because she is never alone :( so that was my last resort.

pirahna your story is so sad and i hope you are ok now. xx. agree with other posters - contact your friend. you have nothing to lose.

and he does know exactly what he is doing. he is very very manipulative. god how i hate him.

i do have an update though - i spoke to another mutual friend about it yesterday and she texted me late last night to say she had spoken to the friend in my OP and that my friend is very upset about everything that has happened but "doesnt want to lose my friendship" which has given me hope. the mutual friend is going to ring me later today to have a proper chat about what was said so i am hoping that somehow between the two of us we can somehow get our friend on her own and have a proper chat with her without the ARSEHOLE there.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and you need to do nothing more. It is simply a very sad situation for you because of the harm this has caused to your friendship.

The most you could do is let her know that you are still keen to be friends with her but that you understand if she doesn't feel that's possible, and that you will be there for her if she needs you.

What a complete arse.

Could you go somewhere women-only? A swimming session, aerobics class? Or the loos in a cafe if necessary!

This could be about one of my friends - I dont think you have done anything wrong.

If you get a chance just say Your mum and none of your friends think he is good for you - we cant all be wrong and we all here for you BUT not for him!!

The problem is men like this generally go for really kind people with low self esteem - HOPEFULLY she will come to her senses eventually.

It is extremely frustrating - I feel like saying to my friend every day "exactly WHAT are you getting out of this relationship?"

The problem is men like this generally go for really kind people with low self esteem

purple - that describes my friend to a tee. she is the nicest, kindest person you could ever meet, she has not got a bad word to say about anyone, but she does have low self esteem. which is ironic because not only is she a lovely person, she is pretty and model-slim. and in fact way too good for her DH - but she worships the ground he walks on and thinks he is too good for her and can't believe he is with her (wtf )

My friend says "maybe its my fault he does that" - I feel like shouting "not its not, hes a controlling arsehole" but just say "NO its not"

I have other friends who have a policy now of giving her their honest opinion about him!