I feel so stupid - I think I've been hating the wrong person for 7 years

[Sativa]

I'll try to keep this brief but I can go into more detail if needed. I just don't know where to start really.

I've been with my DP for about 7 years and we each have 2 DC but none together. We also live in our respective houses but spend a lot of time together.

His DC live 50 miles away, so every fortnight he collects them for the weekend and drops them off again. This would sometimes involve him spending time at his ex's house, sometimes overnight, if say, he needed to go to an assembly the next morning. Also when he dropped them off on Sunday night, he would put them to bed and fall asleep for a few hours, wake up and come down to my house any time between 11pm and 4am. This did bother me and I did question where he slept and why he was unable to answer his mobile etc. However, at other times she wouldn't even let him in the house.

God, I feel so stupid writing this.

Anyway, incidents have included :

his son asking him why "he slept with Mummy?"

finding photos of them all on Christmas morning, her in her pjs and him in his boxers and a t-shirt, which I thought was inappropriate

the ex ringing and texting me 4 years ago to tell me that they were sleeping together

her staying at his house without the children as she had a meeting nearby

He dismissed all these with various stories and always told me he hated her, she was 'a psycho', and all he cared about was his children. I knew she was very bitter about us and also wanted him back so I tried to believe him and obviously I wanted more than anything to believe him.

Things have been very fraught lately, with lots of arguing; going over and over old ground. He is highly suspicious of me and accuses me of all sorts. I suppose I just needed to know whether he was worth fighting for so this weekend I rang his ex.

Well, she was really nice and open and told me that they had never stopped sleeping together, sometimes on a fortnightly basis! The only time they hadn't was when she had been seeing someone. She sounded totally convincing, giving loads of little details. She was also really good with dates and timespan which he is useless at. She said the last time they slept together was May 2010, just before she got with her current partner who is now moving in. To top it all she asked if he'd mentioned the chlamydia to me, which she thinks he gave her. He obviously hadn't but I'm going to the clinic tomorrow to see if I've got it. If she's lying she deserves an Oscar. But she isn't is she?

I haven't confronted him yet; I want to wait for the test results but I just feel so stupid. There's no way I can stay with him; he's wasted 7 years of my life, taken away any chance of me having any more children, deceived his children and mine and has probably been getting off on the fact that he had 2 women on the go. I can't describe how much I hate him. How am I going to explain to my beautiful sensitive little DS that the person he worships has turned out to be a complete idiot?

I don't know what I want anyone to say; maybe just comment or give me some words of comfort. I am in a really surreal place at the moment trying to comprehend the fact that everything I suspected was in fact true.
When I read back over this I sound really weak but I'm not. I was just so much in love and so wanted it to work.

Thanks for reading and I'll be grateful for any comments at all.

I'm just very sorry you have wasted so much time with this loser

It's such a shame you didn't listen to those warning bells though, because they were there all along. What an awful realisation for you.

Wow, this is harsh. It certainly sounds like she's telling the truth, doesn't it?

I hope your test results are clear. When you confront him he'll probably try and squirm out of it, but although you may be tempted to believe him, you'll never be able to trust him again.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds horrendous.

So sorry OP, you'll come through this but I'm sure you can't see how atm :( Just letting you know I read this and feel for you.

Thanks so much for the speedy replies, it means a lot to me. I know, the red flags were flapping all over the place but I would get palpatations at the thought of it ending, like he was such a catch!

What a horrible thing to be going through.

I am slightly surprised that you're surprised though. Sounds like you had a million warning signs blinking away at you yet you chose to ignore them.

Well, I take it the ex knew he was with you, and yet she continued to sleep with him? You can be angry with her too. But he was stringing you along, staying over, posing for christmas pics in his boxers.

She isn't lying.

What a bastard.

homeboys I'm certainly not a fake poster. i don't know what the ex would achieve from lying anymore?

homeboys, if we suspected every cliched post on relationships to be fake, there wouldn't be many left. Let's give the OP a chance, at least

I wouldn't necessarily trust the ex wife, but I certainly wouldn't trust him. It sounds like a warped game to me, I'd leave them to it. Interesting that she stopped sleeping with him when she was with someone else, he obviously didn't.

Really sorry you are going through this, it must have been a horrible realisation.

Wow this is a classic case of love blinds!

Reading your post it seems very obvious they were still sleeping together, you just dont fall asleep/spend the night at your exes like that!

Have you spoken to him about this since speaking to the ex?

Oh and that old chestnut 'she's a psycho' is the biggest giveaway ....always

I'm so sorry for you :( There's not really much point telling you that you should've known, because it's a bit late for that. Perhaps when you're feeling stronger, it might be an idea for you to see a counsellor about your self esteem, if you did feel so panicked at the thought of 'losing' him. But for now, take care of yourself & take comfort wherever you can. Do you have local friends / family?

Love is blind, isn't it? I can only say how relieved I am that you've got your 'sight' back - painful as it's been. He really took the piss out of your good nature, didn't he

DS will be sad for a while, I'm sure. He'll get over it, as will you! Why not just tell him you found out X had two girlfriends, and that wasn't very nice for you? It's a helpful life lesson.

Ok, I'll try to answer all points :

homeboys I'm going to the clinic anyway to get a full check up - I know I had a clean bill of health when I met him and I've been faithful

madonnawhore I suppose I'm not surprised, it's just confirmed what I suspected and have agonised over for 7 years. I just couldn't prove it outright.

perfumedlife I am indeed a bit peeved that she was sleeping with him but I suppose people are selfish and she was just there to satisfy her own needs. She admitted that at the beginning she wanted to split us up and get him back but after a while she was just doing it for the sex. He just always used the excuse of the children living so far away and how tired he was after the long
drive. I did question it but I just believed what he told me, more fool me.

amberleaf I know, I always thought it was inappropriate but he used the excuse of the distance. Believe me, I have driven myself mad thinking about it. In some ways it's a relief not to have to worry about it any more. I have spoken to him but I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks as we've been going through a rocky/argumentative patch. I haven't told him what I know as I wanted to wait for the test results first. I know about the psycho thing now, the ex said to me "do I sound like a psycho ?" and in all honesty she didn't. He also referred to the ex before her as a psycho too. He'll probably be saying the same about me.....

Doughnut thank you. I feel like slapping myself. I'm generally gregarious and happy and strong. Its just that when we ever came close to ending, I would feel physically sick and couldn't imagine life without him. Maybe counselling is a good idea though as I've had the same feeling in previous relationships - I can only end it once I have no feelings left for the person. Luckily I have the best friends in the world. He was always jealous of the time I spent with them though and wanted me to "prioritise" him. Sadly I've lost both my mum and dad in the last year which makes what he's done even harder to bear.

The ex was very honest (I thought) in telling me that she always loved him more than he loved her and that if he'd had to choose she knows he would've chosen me over her every time. If she'd wanted to hurt me she could've said the opposite. But she said it was just sex.

Do you think it follows the old cliche of : if it's on a plate men will just take it? Was he getting some warped thrill out of coming from her bed to mine ?

So sorry to hear this

I truly hope that all the women who read your story and are currently suppressing massive red flags in their own relationships will learn something from it

Some men are like this. They always will be. More of a reason for you to stand form about your decision when he realises he is rumbled and starts the boo-hooing and the "can't live without you" late night texts

You are going to stand form, aren't you ?

Because I have a little doubt about that, tbh. I sincerely hope I am wrong.

stand firm not form, sorry

Grace Thank you. Its uncanny; if there's one word that everyone describes me as it's 'nice'! I've told my DD the truth as she's a teenager but my DS is only 9 and P (not DP) is the only father figure he's ever known. He's really going to miss his step-brother too as they've grown up together and we've been on holiday with them every year etc. The ex said that we could visit them any time (if I can bear the horrendous drive, the longest drive in the world according to him ), as she knows the children all get on so well. She just sounds so reasonable now, not the person I've hated all these years. Do you think I should tell DS that it's her that's been the other girlfriend ? Or just that he's been cheating on me with someone anonymous? He understands what cheating or two-timing is so I won't have to explain that. Just reminded me that the ex told me that her DS once told his grandparents that "Daddy had two girlfriends".

omg what a shock. If he gave her chlamydia and you didn't already have it doesn't that suiggets he has also been dabbling elsewhere ?

Sorry that you're going through this.

I don't think I have anything to add that hasn't been said but I didn't want to read it and not post.

Stay strong and good luck with the results.

AF I'm honoured, I'm a big fan

You don't believe a word he's said do you ?

I've been questioning how I'll react, as at the moment it's a bit difficult to tally up the two different personas that I'm being presented with.

He sat and held my dad's hand with me as he died.

He's waited for hours in the hospital with me when my DS wasn't well.

He's helped me financially since the beginning.

Two weeks ago he mentioned getting married FFS.....

BUT I only have to think about all the nights I lay in bed wondering what he was really doing and literally driving myself mad. I don't want to be a deranged detective anymore, constantly searching for clues or evidence.

No, I want him to realise that he's lost the best thing he ever had. He really doesn't deserve me. I've wasted 7 years and I don't want to waste any more.

The person I thought I loved doesn't exist so who am I forgiving, a ghost ?

No, don't worry I'm standing firm.

Just be careful not to believe every little thing she tells you. She has an agenda too and I have experienced this. Nothing she says can paint him in a better light and you don't need her 'friendship'. She is just a reminder of this awful time.

But, on a positive note, I'm told it's every mans worst nightmare when two women get together and compare notes. So, if you were minded, you could hint at much more than you know

LIZS & sevendwarves thank you both. Apparently he swore to her that he'd only been sleeping with her and me, but how can we believe that?? She said that she hadn't had a boyfriend for about a year at that time. Who really knows what he's been doing?

perfumedlife Yeah, I was a little bit cautious to believe everything she said but I don't know....she just sounded real. Can you just explain your last bit about hinting for me please ?

Just that, if you continues lying and you believe he is lying, you can tell him that's not what she said He has told so many lies, he won't have a leg to stand on. It's usually a good way to get the full story from them, by hinting you know most of it anyway.