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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel so stupid - I think I've been hating the wrong person for 7 years

82 replies

Sativa · 26/01/2011 12:37

I'll try to keep this brief but I can go into more detail if needed. I just don't know where to start really.

I've been with my DP for about 7 years and we each have 2 DC but none together. We also live in our respective houses but spend a lot of time together.

His DC live 50 miles away, so every fortnight he collects them for the weekend and drops them off again. This would sometimes involve him spending time at his ex's house, sometimes overnight, if say, he needed to go to an assembly the next morning. Also when he dropped them off on Sunday night, he would put them to bed and fall asleep for a few hours, wake up and come down to my house any time between 11pm and 4am. This did bother me and I did question where he slept and why he was unable to answer his mobile etc. However, at other times she wouldn't even let him in the house.

God, I feel so stupid writing this.

Anyway, incidents have included :

his son asking him why "he slept with Mummy?"

finding photos of them all on Christmas morning, her in her pjs and him in his boxers and a t-shirt, which I thought was inappropriate

the ex ringing and texting me 4 years ago to tell me that they were sleeping together

her staying at his house without the children as she had a meeting nearby

He dismissed all these with various stories and always told me he hated her, she was 'a psycho', and all he cared about was his children. I knew she was very bitter about us and also wanted him back so I tried to believe him and obviously I wanted more than anything to believe him.

Things have been very fraught lately, with lots of arguing; going over and over old ground. He is highly suspicious of me and accuses me of all sorts. I suppose I just needed to know whether he was worth fighting for so this weekend I rang his ex.

Well, she was really nice and open and told me that they had never stopped sleeping together, sometimes on a fortnightly basis! The only time they hadn't was when she had been seeing someone. She sounded totally convincing, giving loads of little details. She was also really good with dates and timespan which he is useless at. She said the last time they slept together was May 2010, just before she got with her current partner who is now moving in. To top it all she asked if he'd mentioned the chlamydia to me, which she thinks he gave her. He obviously hadn't but I'm going to the clinic tomorrow to see if I've got it. If she's lying she deserves an Oscar. But she isn't is she?

I haven't confronted him yet; I want to wait for the test results but I just feel so stupid. There's no way I can stay with him; he's wasted 7 years of my life, taken away any chance of me having any more children, deceived his children and mine and has probably been getting off on the fact that he had 2 women on the go. I can't describe how much I hate him. How am I going to explain to my beautiful sensitive little DS that the person he worships has turned out to be a complete idiot?

I don't know what I want anyone to say; maybe just comment or give me some words of comfort. I am in a really surreal place at the moment trying to comprehend the fact that everything I suspected was in fact true.
When I read back over this I sound really weak but I'm not. I was just so much in love and so wanted it to work.

Thanks for reading and I'll be grateful for any comments at all.

OP posts:

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 26/01/2011 14:45

Sativa - for a long time now many of us have been encouraging you to see the wood in the trees... you convinced yourself he was worth it/wasn't doing it. Finally you have had the wake up call you needed.

Who knows if she's lying or not, chances are that some of it's the truth, some of it's at the very least 'enhanced' - but it doesn't matter really. He doesn't love and respect you enough to be in a relationship with you. I would call her once more after you have spoken to P, thank her for talking to you, tell her that for now you would like the kids to be able to keep in touch with each other but not visit for a while. Leave it on friendly terms, but don't become friends.

I hope the medical goes OK and that both of your kids are alright :(

I'm sorry you have lost both your parents in this past year - it's really really hard.

I would tell DS that he was still seeing and sharing a bed with x's Mum and that good, loving, decent people don't do that. That it's all P's fault for not being able to act like a decent man - that is has nothing to do with any of the children and he can phone P's son/kids anytime he wants to (I wouldn't even think about visits anytime soon, if they are still friends in a years time then think about it then).

I don't know if you have left it too long to have kids with someone else or not, all I know is that you still have a lot of living to do and you will be far better off doing it without this wanker.

Best of luck x

Original poster

Sativa · 26/01/2011 14:46

Ah, I see now ! Thanks

OP posts:

lazarusb · 26/01/2011 14:48

You know- you sound pretty strong to me.
Walk away- he doesn't deserve you and your son. Hope your test results are clear too. Keep your head held high- he has been avoiding committing to you for 7 years and now his 'ex' has a bf moving in he mentions marriage?! you know you deserve more than this.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 14:49

Look, a man who is a sexual cheat can do nice things too

if he was a fucking monster to you, you would never have believed his lies would you ?

Don't be swayed by all the decent things he has done. You do realise he is going to use that line, don't you ?

In fact, he is going to use every trick in the book. He was "weak", she was "predatory", she threatened to stop him seeing the dc, he "loves only you, she offered it on a plate"

oh, he is going to cry and use every emotional blackmail there is

he will "get ill", won't be able to sleep, will "hate himself for what he has done to you"

and promise you the world (marriage ?)

I hope you are ready to withstand it...

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 14:50

have I missed sativa's posts before now ? [confused}

I have never seen this name before he last couple of days...are you a namechanger ?

clevercloggs · 26/01/2011 15:06

what reason would the ex-mrs have to lie, especially as she has a new man moving in?

amberleaf · 26/01/2011 17:03

Sativa its sucks because you feel like you've wasted 7 years.

I personally wouldnt tell the children the details, they really dont need to know.

FreudianSlippery · 26/01/2011 17:12

OMG. I have no advice just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If he's got an STD suddenly, where is it from? :(

Original poster

Sativa · 26/01/2011 17:13

This is my first ever post, no name change. Maybe I'm being confused with someone else, unfortunately there are a lot of cheats out there !

Everything you say is true AF, if he'd have told me on our first date "Oh, by the way I will be continuing a sexual relationship with my ex" I'd have run a mile. But he didn't sadly. At the beginning I even asked him a direct question about who he had last slept with and was it her, but he lied on both counts. And at that stage he didn't need to lie as it was something that had happened before my time. It only came out after a few months that he'd asked me out virtually the day after they'd returned from a lovely family holiday. I know, I know....

He will definitely use seeing the children to justify it to himself; that he had to keep her sweet. He always said that she kept the children from seeing him; she told me a different story the other day though. In fact there were quite a few discrepancies; it was weird hearing her side of the story.

I'm just off to my friend's house now to rant over some salmon pie but I'll come back later. I've been thinking of some red flags that I just need to get off my chest.

Thanks so much everyone.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:17

Look after yourself

Start making a note of all the piss-poor arguments he is going to make to keep you together, so you can bin them off immediately

Am I right in thinking he doesn't know that you know yet ?

Original poster

Sativa · 27/01/2011 01:03

Thanks AF. Even if he offers me the world I'll just keep thinking of how he endangered my health and was such a cheating coward.

He doesn't know - I wanted to wait till after the clinic and get myself together before I confront him.

I'll be back tomorrow for an update.

OP posts:

Tortington · 27/01/2011 01:55

so is the break up only on the cards on condition that you are confirmed to have chlamydia? or are you going to break up anyway?

i wouldn't entertain a conversation tbh. i would arrange for my phone numbers to be changed, leave his stuff in suitcases in the front garden and go away for a weekend, even if its just a family room in a travel lodge for two nights.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 07:15

I agree with custy

why are you waiting until after the clinic results ?

what possible difference does it make ?

chlamydia/no chlamydia...he is still a lying twat

lazarusb · 27/01/2011 13:05

You know the clinic tests, whatever the result, doesn't change the fact that is lying, unfaithful, sneaky bastard who you need to kick into touch asap don't you? Please don't let him talk you round- you deserve a whole lot more respect than this.

Original poster

Sativa · 27/01/2011 13:40

Hi, I'm back from the clinic. Have to wait 7-10 days for the test results. Did you know you have to swab your own vagina now. I blame Government cutbacks.....

The results won't really make any difference, just another nail in his coffin ultimately.

I was reading another thread about recovering from an affair. I think I would find it impossible personally. The thought of sex with him just repulses me now, knowing what I know. And what I've suspected for so long. And he knew it was my biggest fear and just threw it back in my face.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 15:54

What a bastard

Original poster

Sativa · 27/01/2011 15:58

Very succinct AF !

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 16:03

So, what now ?

Original poster

Sativa · 27/01/2011 16:15

I'm not sure....well I am sure but I just need to decide when to reveal it all to him and have the inevitable row. I don't think I can wait another 7-10 days though; we haven't seen each other for over two weeks as it is. I thought about telling him I had got chlamydia anyway just to see his reaction?

I want my keys back and the very few things that I have at his house. I thought maybe tomorrow? But I am scared. I feel like I've got a lead weight in my stomach

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 16:25

What are you scared of ?

I would be more scared of spending the rest of my life with a man like this...

Don't build this up into something it isn't

If you are resolute, there is no problem

If you think he will find a chink(s) in your armour, then yes be very scared

robberbutton · 27/01/2011 16:39

Don't lie- I'm sure if you told him you even went for chlamydia testing that would have impact enough!

Good luck, stay strong.

Original poster

Sativa · 27/01/2011 16:45

I think I'm just scared of the conflict and the realisation that it is actually over.

I know I have to do it though and I'm not scared of the future without him. I've had a knot of anxiety in my stomach for the last 7 years and that's not good is it ?

I will do it, don't worry.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 27/01/2011 16:51

Sativa that lead weight in your stomach is there for a reason. It's your subconsious telling you that you are not the kind of girl who can turn a blind eye to this, or get over it. And good. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel ill. It's the sheer volume and timeline of lies.

I'm so sorry, it hurts like hell.

Years ago I was with someone who left his family. We had met, I learned he was married and said no thanks. Almost a year later he appeared, had left, all was sorted and we started dating. Got serious very fast. Then he went to the States with work, and decided to take his kids to make it a working holiday and spend quality time with them. We were in Scotland, kids in England so he only saw them weekends.

Anyway, I was drinking my coffee and reading the Sunday papers when he was gone, and there in the paper was a snap of him and the kids, and his wife on the beach in the USA

I had the lead stomach thing too. There was no way back for me. I hired a removal company and was long gone when he returned.

You get over it, you need to get angry first though.

Original poster

Sativa · 27/01/2011 17:32

Thank you all. Your support feels real and it is really helping.

Oh my God perfumedlife! Sometimes fate really does step in doesn't it ?

Obviously fate was slapping me across the face with a wet fish but I was so scared of the truth.....

When I think about it I get really angry and that's why I'm also a bit scared of my reaction when I see him. But I will try to stay calm and take the higher ground.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 17:49

Icy calm

That will give him he message that you mean it

Screaming and crying will give him a way in

Icy calm

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