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Original poster

No birthday gift from my Mother in Law again

67 replies

grapejuice · 25/01/2011 16:21

My MIL has never given me or my husband a birthday present. She gives to our children but never us. Last week I had a "big" birthday and yet again, all I received was a card. My husband says this may be normal and perhaps most MILs don't give their adult offspring gifts. I am particularly annoyed as she was widowed last year and has had a conisderable amount of input from my husband over the last few months but she didn't even send him a birthday gift. I know she has plenty of money so I don't think it would have hurt her to send a small gift. She did give a generous Christmas gift to him/us. What experience do other people have?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 26/01/2011 13:33

Gosh, I don't even know when my DIL's birthday is

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 13:41

I am surprised if it's the norm not to give presents , but OTOH I would see it in the context of the general relationship.

meltedmarsbars · 26/01/2011 13:42

Don't expect a present from ANYONE once your are an adult, unless you are sleeping with that person!

westerngirl · 26/01/2011 18:38

Mil has never given me card on birthday. She never acknowledged husband's 40th either although had big party for sil's 40th and asked us to contribute significant sum of money for present.

Had major tantrum and said she wouldn't come to our wedding if we didn't extend to invitees outside immediate family. My lovely mother said if we just explained to mil what we wanted she would understand. We stuck to our guns. She came but was graceless and had face like wet weekend on the day. Not much change there then.

Despite the wedding obviously meaning so much to her, we never received any anniversary good wishes or card in 11yrs.

These things wouldn't matter at all though if there was any nature, support or goodwill.

Count yourself lucky if your inlaws are in any way familial. You could have mine.

complexnumber · 27/01/2011 06:33

I got an address book from my in-laws, including some addresses that they obviously hadn't noticed when flicking through it before deciding to give it to me.

I hadn't got them anything.

diddl · 27/01/2011 07:19

Can´t see the problem tbh.

I think a card to show you´ve remembered is fine.

As long as the children get something, that´s fine by me.

aurynne · 27/01/2011 11:23

meltedmarsbars I could never have said it better myself

moretolifethanthis · 06/02/2012 12:41

My children have always recieved a card with token money inside for their birthdays. Their grandad always brings it but never the nan. Their nan never rings them or comes round to see them. Sometimes when I have called in so not to be out of the loop with DH's family she never even asks how they are doing. My kids think she doesn't love them really and they never want to visit when I ask them (they are now in their teens). So..presents (money or gifts) probably mean bo didley squat if there is no love shown anyway-but if it is shown why worry?

WinkyWinkola · 06/02/2012 13:18

I wouldn't worry about presents from your mil, op. If your family get you gifts then you're getting plenty, aren't you?

I've got lots of tight fisted people my family too. I always make sure their dcs get gifts on birthdays though even though mine don't from them. Iyswim.

Hope you had a lovely birthday.

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 13:23

As she did get you something "generous" for xmas, I dont really think you can moan too much that all you got for your birthday is a card.

messymammy · 06/02/2012 13:31

MIL has never ever sent me so much as a card for my birthday but gives vouchers and cards with lovely messages at Christmas time. Birthdays just aren't a big thing in DP's family, they never did cake and candles or parties as kids, which I think is sad but it's just not their thing.
I think YABU to expect somthing.
Happy Birthday btw :)

Blacksquirrel · 06/02/2012 13:59

Why would you begrudge your DH buying his mum a box of chocolates when not only does she buy for you children but no doubt for your DH when he was a child.
I would never expect a present from my own parents or in laws but always buy for them as they bought presents for us as children & now buy gifts for the grandchildren.

OrmIrian · 06/02/2012 14:01

Same here.

MIL bought me a present for christmas and told me that it would have to do for my birthday as well TBH I'd rather she simply didn't bother than told me that.

Millenniumbug1 · 07/02/2012 15:14

My MIL doesn't ever send her only Gch as much as a card at xmas or b'days, she doesn't bother with DH or my good self either. We no longer bother either now. It was worse when she would send to 1 of my d ch and not the other - this happened a number of times. But, all's fine now, she'll be spreading her ray of sunshine on someone else. And breathe!

ilovesprouts · 07/02/2012 15:18

my mil dont even send any cards to me or soon to be ex dh ,nor my son who is five ,she favoures the girls over her boys!

SimoneD · 07/02/2012 15:24

God, am really shocked at the responses here. I suspect that they are only from people who don't have good day to day relationships with the ILs. Ive had my disagreements with MIL but she would never ignore my birthday, I always get a present even if its just a bunch of flowers or bottle of wine. My mum also always buys for my DH and we always buy pressies for both sets of parents. Its just good manners and doesnt have to cost the earth to get something thoughtful.

SimoneD · 07/02/2012 15:26

I also hate the mentality that once you have kids you as an adult must never get presents again, that it all of a sudden becomes just about the kids.

What a joyless existence that must be. You dont stop being a person in your own right as soon as you have children.

FriskyMare · 07/02/2012 15:28

Does it depend on the size of the family?? DH only has one unmarried/no dc brother, I have 2 DB both married with 2/3 children. Bil buys birthday & christmas gifts for us and we buy him substantial gifts (otherwise he would have hardly any presents), same with mil, however neither are big on cards. My dbs sils and us exchange small token gifts and spend more on the dc. My mother just loves shopping!! :o

ilovesprouts · 07/02/2012 15:31

my mil does not treat her sons/daughters the same .. but the 2 girls thats a diff story ....her ds2 even barred us from going to dh sf funeral wen we traveld 500m round trip so i dont speak to any of them since 3 years ago

EssentialFattyAcid · 07/02/2012 18:41

I think it is of no consequence whether your MIL buys you gifts or not
You are giving this too much headspace OP

mumbaisapphire · 07/02/2012 22:36

I've always done cards/gifts for my parents and siblings, and likewise them to me and my DP. DP's family on the other hand don't. DP didn't even know when his parents birthdays were! I was really shocked, and thought he was joking, but it's true - we do now, but to be honest I don't see the point in sending card, it's just not something they do or expect in their culture, although I will make sure he calls them now he knows the date. They don't send a card, but they do always call him on his birthday - oddly enough his DM was mortified he hadn't told her when my birthday was, although I am not sure why, since I can't imagine she would go to the trouble of card/gift for me if she doesn't for her own son. I did make a point of sending a card/gift for his DN's 1st birthday, as I think kids should get gifts on their birthdays. We don't have kids yet, so I will be very interested to see what happens when we do. I am training myself to expect nothing. Certainly this Xmas was interesting learning curve. Went to great great effort to send cards, source suitable gifts that could be boxed up and posted for his parents, grandma, DB, DSIL & DN. Had I realised that his parents would just send us some money and his DB would send nothing (not even a thank you), then I wouldn't have bothered. I'm getting to understand their ways, and i don't think i would mind half so much if they were better in other ways (phoning more, visiting etc) but the reality is that they just aren't a close family. I figure it's their loss.

whatnoketchup · 08/02/2012 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne · 08/02/2012 01:53

Funny, I have just noticed how everyone complains that their MIL does not send presents... but nobody mentions the FIL. Either everyone's FIL is very generous, or they consider that "sending presents" is only a woman thing.

Downunderdolly · 08/02/2012 09:19

Perhaps you should count your lucky stars. I know a MIL who sent her DIL "Why French Women Don't Get Fat" when DIL is French and rather on the ahem large side. Although to be fair it was in retaliation for her DIL buying her a 'how to be a better grandparent' book the previous year

SimoneD · 08/02/2012 09:26

Haha, down under. Thank you for giving me such a good laugh this morning

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