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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've cheated

27 replies

horriblesecret · 25/01/2011 10:55

I have slept with my best friends dh. we were together before them but i finished it. things have always been close between us. I have been married for 8 years and have a dd.

my dh is amazing but low sex drive makes me feel unattractive, unwanted etc.

I am in a mess, i don't know what to do

OP posts:
IngridBermann · 25/01/2011 10:57

Okay - do you think he will tell her?

What do you want to happen? What does he want to happen?

Original poster
horriblesecret · 25/01/2011 10:59

he won't tell her, he wants it to continue, he'll never leave her as he knows we would loose everything, friend family etc. they have a dd too.
its a mess

OP posts:
IngridBermann · 25/01/2011 11:07

oh dear.

I'm the least able to give good advice really, but it sounds really difficult.

I'm sorry.
I hope you don't get flamed too badly and maybe someone will have some good advice.

Original poster
horriblesecret · 25/01/2011 11:12

thank you ingrid, feel wretched, but don't expect sympathy. Deep down i know i love both him and my dh but in different ways.

i'm expecting a flaming but i'm not a terrible person

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/01/2011 11:14

Ok. Well, do you want to save your marriage? Because if you do, this can never ahppen again. nOt sure how you can stay friends with your mucker, knowing that you've shagged her DH tb. I'd sacrifice the friendship to save my marriage, but that's me.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/01/2011 11:15

Sorry, sticky keyboard

Nefret · 25/01/2011 11:15

I am going to be blunt - you have to stop this right now unless you want to ruin your marriage and lose your best friend too. How can you even be best friends with someone if you are going to do that to her?

You need to sort things out with your husband and if you can't sort it out then leave and find yourslef someone who can make you feel good but not someone else's husband!

For everyone's sake leave it now before too much damage is done.

sincitylover · 25/01/2011 11:19

FWIW it's worth I believe it's possible to love two men/people at the same time however this is all too incestuous and close too home really (ever heard of not shitting on your own doorstep).

And the fallout, should it ever come out in the open could be disastrous.

I usually disagree with all the pat work on your marriage advice (prob cos jeez I worked so hard with mine to no avail) but in this case if as you say you want to stay in your marriages I would try to put this down to a one off mistake and try to work on your marriage.

Then if you decide your marriage not ok take a breather from men/relationships for a while.

JMO

JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 11:23

you say
"he'll never leave her as he knows we would loose everything, friend family etc. they have a dd too"

but will get found out anyway if you carry on

you must know that, so if you are prepared to carry on it means you have already accepted you ARE going to loose everything and maybe is what you want ? (asking)

he said he will never leave her, but would you leave your DH if you had a chance at a relationship with your lover?

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/01/2011 11:27

"he wants it to continue, he'll never leave her as he knows we would loose everything, friend family etc"

Don't be such a prat OP! He is going to keep you on as a FuckBuddy?

You are risking your marriage, your home and your life with your family, for WHAT? A tumble with your best friends H? She would be DEVASTATED if when she finds out.

.. and you WILL GET CAUGHT.

End this now, and either work on your marriage or END it.

Work on your self esteem without taking your clothes off. Your DH deserves better from you, and your DC deserve a mum with a decent moral compass.

DrunkenDaisy · 25/01/2011 11:27

Move far away and let the friendship drift apart.

If my bf did this to me, I would butcher her. Seriously.

Mymblesson · 25/01/2011 11:28

but low sex drive makes me feel unattractive, unwanted etc.

And this is how people give themselves permission to have affairs. A classic, for men and women both.

Hope you can sort it out. It will be very, very painful for everyone when it comes out. And it probably will.

Original poster
horriblesecret · 25/01/2011 11:31

thank you for your responses... i have to confess I've not done the deed yet, we were meant to meet this afernoon, i wanted to be talked out of it but if i'd posted that i would have just had loads of flaming, this way i've not had sympathy but reasonable advice.

I have cancelled, the feelings are there tho will my marriage end?

OP posts:
Original poster
horriblesecret · 25/01/2011 11:32

by that i mean i love my dh as i said he is amazing but i can't make him want to have sex with me can i?

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 11:37

.... what?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/01/2011 11:38

But your own marital problems don't give you the right to intrude on someone else's, do they?

We have posters on these boards whose H's had affairs with their best friend and it is the worst kind of double betrayal; two losses in one. The pain for those women has been indescribable. Why would you want to do that to a woman you presumably love?

Tell the OM this is over and then try to fix your marriage. An affair is a horribly controlling behaviour that masks a choice you are making.

Mymblesson · 25/01/2011 11:40

Have you talked about it? Have you tried?

People go through periods of low libido, it could be just a phase.

Mymblesson · 25/01/2011 11:41

the feelings are there tho

Tough shit. Deal with it.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/01/2011 11:41

You can WORK ON IT TOGETHER.

How would you feel if your BF was on here asking US for permission to shag your DH?

Distance yourself from this guy. You have made a bloody mess there haven't you? Your friendship with your best friend will probably suffer too.

So now you are in a relationship that is going through a rough patch, and you are considering betraying your friend too? When that implodes you will lose every close life line you would need to see you through this.

Please go and make yourself a kick arse expresso love, cos you need to wake up.

Contact Relate for some counselling. TALK to your H, and tell him how hard you are finding marriage at the moment.

sweetchecks · 25/01/2011 11:44

You shouldnt be sleeping with your best friends husband, if use were together or not before them.

If you are goin to end it with you're best friends DH, then i wouldnt tell your DH or your best friend. You really cant be best friends with some one when you sleeping with their DH. plus if you carry it on you will get caught. please please stop it before it's too late.

Maybe you should talk to you DH about your's and his sex life.

EricNorthmansMistress · 25/01/2011 12:47

Oh thank god you have cancelled.

What you are doing is displacing your dissatsifaction with your DH and putting it into 'feelings' for your best friend's DH.

He is a twat for arranging to meet you and you are also an idiot but it hasn't happened yet. Believe me (seriously, believe me) extra marital sex feels irresistable at the time, fun, just what you are lacking, but afterwards, when he finds out (and he will, they both will) the fall out will make it worth nothing and you will look back with disbelief that you could have ever been so fucking stupid, for what? A mediocre shag? You would destroy your marriage and your friendship for a mediocre shag?

Please, please face your issues. Or if you must cheat, go and find a stranger to do it with - your best friend's DH :(

loves2cycle · 25/01/2011 13:08

I don't know how you could have let it (the flirtation/attraction/whatever) get so far that you arranged to meet and sleep together?? the man that is married to your best friend? I don't get that at all.

She is your best friend? And yet you flirted with her DH? And took it so far that you nearly slept together? I just don't understand how you could allow yourself to do that. Did you think about your best friend's feelings while you were flirting with her DH?

I think you need to place MASSIVE distance between yourself and this man AND between yourself and your friend. She might be seeing you as a person to confide in about her marriage, when actually you could be behind any issues she is having with her DH right now.

Leave her in peace and hope that she has some other kind friend to turn to, that really values and loves her

perfumedlife · 25/01/2011 13:13

Agree with all the advice you have been given op.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing romantic or fated about this. Your best friends dh just wants sex, has not declared he cannot live without you or begged you to leave your family. How seedy Angry

paternal · 25/01/2011 13:22

"I have slept with my best friends dh."

Yer think you can drop the friend part because Friends don't do that to each other.

Personally I hope that the guilt eats away at you for a very long time. How can you even look at your OH in the face?

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 25/01/2011 13:25

So horrible tell us why are you so unhappy that you are looking outside your marriage for sex and fulfilment?

You alluded to lack of sex with DH. Can you explain? Have you tackled it with him?

You said you have low self esteem. Is that related to your appearance, your career, your life as a mum and housewife or what?

Trust me if you go down this path your self esteem will be worse than ever when you realise what shitty behaviour you are contemplating.