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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH feeling 'neglected'

36 replies

Ieattoomuchcake · 24/01/2011 21:10

DD is 9mo. DH was a bit crap with her at first but over Christmas started being more hands on. I think it helps that she's on solids now, he often gets up w her at weekends and has breakfast with her etc.

I've always tried to make an effort to give DH attention. I am maybe quite wrapped up in DD but she was prem, is still bf and still up 2-3 times a week. She also doesn't nap much in the day so is maybe a bit 'demanding'. I don't mind any of this though.

Anyway, DH is away on business ATM and I've not heard from him for a couple of days (diff time zone so he needs to call me as he's at work during my waking hours). I emailed a chatty email telling him our news and saying I assume he's v busy as I've not heard from him in a couple of days.

He emails back saying no point in calling as I just ignore him when he calls, citing as an example Friday when I laid down the phone to go pick up DD coz she was crying (I told him I was going to get her, and when I came back to the phone he'd hung up). He said I don't have any consideration for the fact that he doesn't like being away from us and not being able to help me w DD. And that 'he knows his place'.

I don't want to mess up our relationship by just being a mum. But I do try to spread myself between the two of them. It just does feel like a chore.

Sorry, I don't really seem to have asked a question here, I think I just need my hand held a bit. And maybe told either how to make DH feel more important to me (I think that's the issue) or how to encourage him to accept DD's demands on me...

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 24/01/2011 21:11

Gut reaction - he sounds like a child himself. Hanging up? 'KNows his place'? ffs.

coldtits · 24/01/2011 21:12

he's asking for permission to have an affair.

HerBeX · 24/01/2011 21:13

Does he give you attention?

What is he doing to make you notice how important he is to you?

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 24/01/2011 21:21

My gut reaction was that he is being a baby but I wasn't sure if I was being too harsh on him...

Eeek re coldtits affair suggestion.
I'm certainly not giving permission!!!

OP posts:
pickgo · 24/01/2011 21:23

Make him share the childcare when he's at home. Leave the baby with him for a day. And makes sure you ring him at some point. Hopefully he won't be able to talk!
He sounds like a big kid and you sound like his mother! Stop it now before you get too stuck.

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 24/01/2011 21:23

Oh and I've just re read my OP.
DD gets up 2-3 times a night, not 2-3 times a week (I wish...). But that's just me making excuses for why I'm so wrapped up in my beautiful baby.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 24/01/2011 21:28

Yes he's being a baby. What pickgo said - leave him with DD to see how it should be done [bgrin]

LunarRose · 24/01/2011 21:50

It's ok to be wrapped up with your beautiful baby

BUT alot of men do feel left out and unappreciated at this stage, is there anyone who could babysit every now and then so you can go out for a date?

I always had walk around phones SO much easier Grin

elizadoestoomuch · 24/01/2011 22:02

My baby is the same age as yours.
We have been struggling (as many parents do with a baby) but DH did say something that struck a chord with me: Our DS needs me right now, it WILL pass, but for now our 8month old should come first.

Tell your DH to stop acting like a child and to start supporting you. You & your DC deserve more than this.

Roisinniamh · 25/01/2011 09:37

She can't leave the baby with H for a day, She is breast fed and was prem! Care for her together, you are both responsible for her.

Plumm · 25/01/2011 09:40

DH is the first to admit that he didn't bond with DD when she was born and he found it hard to adjust to parenthood, but he wouldn't have hung up the phone because I needed to look after the baby and, as someone who works away a lot, he wouldn't have gone a couple of days without calling me.

Your DH is being quite childish and really needs to be a bit more hands on. How much does he contribute to her care? I know your bf, but what does he do to help with her?

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 25/01/2011 10:20

He is a lot more hands on with her now. Previously he did next to nothing. Something like one nappy change a month (appalling I know).

We had a big chat about it all and then he was off for a while over Christmas and really pulled his socks up. He's had her a couple of afternoons while I do my own thing (she tends to be able to go 3 hours between feeds now, making this possible). He tends to get up with her weekend mornings and have solid breakfast with her to give me longer in bed.

So he is doing a lot more recently.

He's away till Saturday so not sure when I'll hear from him.

I don't think I'll send him another of my chatty emails given the response to the last one!

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 25/01/2011 10:27

Can you ring him when DD is napping or asleep, at a prearranged time? Where is he?

There must be some time slot when it works for both of you. He must surely understand the concept of "the baby is crying and I can't chat right this second". Sounds like he's calling you and expecting you to drop everything...

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/01/2011 10:27

I agree with Coltits I'm afraid. You've got a sulky (and lazy) child on your hands, not an equal partner. People who are over-benefited like this and think it's their right to have undivided attention are the very people who have affairs.

WerthersOriginal · 25/01/2011 10:39

I think you cant ignore the fact that your DH feels neglected. Having a baby changes lives and it does take time to get used to the new situation.

Its possible that he is being a child himself but perhaps he just need to spend more time with you? Introduce a date night (or afternnon when baby is sleeping)

JustForThisOne · 25/01/2011 10:50

coldtits Mon 24-Jan-11 21:12:40
he's asking for permission to have an affair.

bottom line, I had the same gut reaction, especially as he vent his frustration while physically away from you

OP sure Coldtits sentence must read strange, but if you can be bother to search other threads on similar subject you will understand much better what Coldtits is coming from

ALittleBitFragile · 25/01/2011 11:02

I agree I am afraid. I know it sounds nonsense to leap from 'he's sulky about phone calls' to 'he must be having an affair'.

But my h did exactly this - sulked about me not picking up the phone when he rang; me ringing off to do other things with the children and he always got cross when I didn't immediately stop what I was doing to rush down to greet him when he came home. And crossness about his tatty looking pants (wtf - why did I then go out to buy new ones?!); no milk; bad shirt ironing etc etc. And lists of things he expected me to sort out. And making me feel bad about being a SAHM. And setting me up to fail (such as suggesting holidays away from our little children he knew I really really didn't want to leave).

He had an affair.

I'm not saying I could have stopped it but I do wish I had known then what I know now and had not let him get away with being such a selfish sulky, lazy git for so long.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 11:09

Is there any possibility that he really feels this way?

We all feel neglected from time to time. It's not always reasonable or rational. You can know - in your head - the reason why things are the way they are, but you can still have feelings that you know are unreasonable.

I know I do.

Of course everything changes when you have a baby, but it is possible to have a baby and still be a close and intimate couple, in it together.

I am only putting this forward as an alternative to the he's a baby, he wants an affair etc, because I've been there. It's just feelings. Feelings aren't always logical, regardless of gender.

Portofino · 25/01/2011 11:12

Personally - I would just send him a text saying that you love him and miss him.

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 25/01/2011 11:15

I honestly don't know. Obviously our lives have changed.
I do make an effort to give him attention and keep our relationship as a couple and not just as mum and dad.

I'm not really sure how much effort he makes in this regard, part of me thinks he thinks that is my responsibility. His attention to me tends to be things like dry humping when I'm trying to make dinner...

We don't have family that close. We have been out a couple of times without DD. To be honest we didn't actually go out a huge amount before we had her. We do things like watching a movie and having take out in the house.
I make an effort to not always run off to bed at 9pm so I can stay up and spend time with him.

To those who think he's lining up to have an affair, what do I do about it? I can't see how running around after him and accepting that his sulking etc is appropriate will help matters?

OP posts:
Bluegrass · 25/01/2011 11:17

Typical MN response seems to be fight with fire, he's a twat, put him in his place etc. That might work of course...

The alternative might be to talk about it. Ask how he feels and what he wants to make things better. Consider together what is reasonable from you both Maybe he is being a twat, or maybe he just wants some acknowledgment that he is still important to you and loved by you and with that he will feel secure about the situation again.

I don't know how some marriages work if they only consist of an escalation of hostilities on both sides every time one partner has an issue or is less than perfect. Talking together and avoiding blame can nip so many issues in the bud and leave everyone so much happier than game playing or point scoring.

Bluegrass · 25/01/2011 11:18

Of course your last post leans more towards the twat conclusion!

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 25/01/2011 11:25

Yes I didn't think the dry humping would go down well with the MN jury!!!

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 25/01/2011 11:27

What Portofino (I assume that you do love and miss him) said but TBH he sounds like an immature twat.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/01/2011 11:28

No-one can prevent infidelity in another person. You can't protect your marriage from it either, if someone is determined to jeopardise it.

However, infidelity occurs when the unfaithful person stops giving to the relationship. It doesn't occur when someone isn't getting enough from the relationship - in fact it amazes people when it turns out that that the unfaithful one in the couple was consistently over-benefited and felt that life had to revolve around him.

So let's reverse this. Do you feel neglected by him? Does he nurture your relationship? Does he do all sorts of things to make your life easier? Is he romantic? Does he empathise with how difficult it is having a new baby? Does he talk to you about how you're feeling about being a new mother and the changes that has produced? Does he run a bath for you when he can see that you're exhausted - and offer to soap your back?

Although you cannot prevent infidelity, an egalitarian relationship with mutual nurturing is the best deterrent there is. One of the most ineffective deterrents is mollycoddling a selfish person and pandering to their needs while your own are being ignored.

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