DH feeling 'neglected'

[Ieattoomuchcake]

DD is 9mo. DH was a bit crap with her at first but over Christmas started being more hands on. I think it helps that she's on solids now, he often gets up w her at weekends and has breakfast with her etc.

I've always tried to make an effort to give DH attention. I am maybe quite wrapped up in DD but she was prem, is still bf and still up 2-3 times a week. She also doesn't nap much in the day so is maybe a bit 'demanding'. I don't mind any of this though.

Anyway, DH is away on business ATM and I've not heard from him for a couple of days (diff time zone so he needs to call me as he's at work during my waking hours). I emailed a chatty email telling him our news and saying I assume he's v busy as I've not heard from him in a couple of days.

He emails back saying no point in calling as I just ignore him when he calls, citing as an example Friday when I laid down the phone to go pick up DD coz she was crying (I told him I was going to get her, and when I came back to the phone he'd hung up). He said I don't have any consideration for the fact that he doesn't like being away from us and not being able to help me w DD. And that 'he knows his place'.

I don't want to mess up our relationship by just being a mum. But I do try to spread myself between the two of them. It just does feel like a chore.

Sorry, I don't really seem to have asked a question here, I think I just need my hand held a bit. And maybe told either how to make DH feel more important to me (I think that's the issue) or how to encourage him to accept DD's demands on me...

i dont object to dry humping per se while cooking dinner (I wish - been single far too long!)

he does feel that way, but doesnt anybody know that to bring a child into a relationship is going to affect the couple dynamics and they need to be re assessed ? It is not only OP job to work out how she should keep him happy is it?

When he gets home, have a talk with him and suggest that he comes up with three ideas of things he would like more of but you also get to put forward three ideas of things you would like more of. Basically address the whole thing as a problem that requires effort and compromise from him as well as from you.

What Portofino said sometime we just needed to remind or partner we still love them

I like what SGB said. Personally, whilst I buy the argument about men feeling a bit neglected (as a newish mum I was overwhelmed with it all - found any physical demands on me too much in addition to the ones the baby made on me, and actually, was quite fulfilled by all the cuddles from the baby). But what is not sitting right with me is the apparent lack of effort he is going to to care for his child, and therefore, you.

Thanks everybody for taking the time to reply.

I've just noticed in my outbox that after the last telephone call (when he hung up when I went to pick up crying DD), I sent a text saying "not sure what happened there, but I lost you. Love and miss you. Speak soon x"

Had forgotten I sent it because I didn't realise there was an issue at the time and I just sent it without thinking too much about it.

He's not home till Saturday so I certainly hope he phones before then. But I've got enough on my plate and am not going to waste time worrying about this. Or at least I'll try not to dwell on it.

He sounds like he's got a serious case of 'I have needs'!

he's feeling pushed out, lacking of your attention etc etc and, to put it bluntly - is acting like a petulant child.

My dh actively encouraged me to give up bf as a) it didnt conform to the Fina Gord scghedule he'd got planned

b) he wanted his 'best friends back'

I did give up bf, but at my timescale - not his.

You've GOT to talk to him, and explain the dynamics of having a baby - he sounds like he's totally unprepared - and unwilling to learn.

I think you should give him this to read. Its as much about adjusting to life as a dad as it is about breastfeeding specifically, but basically he needs to man-up and grow a pair. (as does my OH, but that's another story, he wasn't this sulky and petulant when ours were this age)

OK - firstly I think he's being a twat, and my DH is also one of those who's had two affairs allegedly because of 'not getting enough attention'.

So I think you need to have an honest discussion with him as to

1. How does he make you feel special. What his responsibilities are, as a husband and father.

2. How much attention he rationally feels you can give him when you have a small baby?

Secondly though, as another poster pointed out, our feelings aren't always rational and are often 'childish' - feeling hurt or sad or unloved.

So tell him you love him and miss him.

I don't want to get flamed here - but feeding 2-3 times a night with an 8 month old baby, seems a lot to me. I know she was premature - do you think that maybe, you are being over attentive to her, because she was prem? Not telling you what to do, she's your baby, but just wondering.

Sorry, but where is this affair business coming from? OP has explained that they have newborn DC, her DH struggled to adjust at first, as the DC has grown older and become more able to interact with him he is managing better and putting in more effort, DC is still dominating much of OP's time and DH is feeling slightly out of the loop or rejected.

I'm not suggesting that OP is doing anything wrong and I'm not suggesting that DH has responded brilliantly. I also can't be definite that he isn't having/planning to have an affair. I simply think it is quite a leap to make from the information OP has given. And the suggestion to 'look at other threads' to effectively confirm OP's fears is absurd. I don't think that if I put a thread up saying "Me and DW spend most of our evenings at home and are generally happy but sometimes get annoyed with each other" there'd be a huge number of people posting on it. These threads are not representative of the majority of relationships.

Think Bluegrass' post is excellent. Tbh, I just think that he needs to know how it makes you feel when he doesn't call and when he hangs up. He needs to know that you love and care about him and appreciate the extra efforthe's put in of late. Just make sure you have some regular time in which you can communicate, listen and understand. Doesn't fix everything, but goes a long way.

Little update.
We have spoken on the phone. Nothing deep and meaningful, but he said sorry for being an ass. He's really stressed with his work, so took it out on me. I'm not saying that's ok, but I know it's something I can also be guilty of.

I do think we need to have another chat once he's back (seems to be an array of 'big talks' since DD came along!)

BelleBelicious funny you should mention the number of feeds. I have tended to just stick a boob in her mouth when she wakes at night. She was nine weeks prem and just over 4lb when she came home and we were both obsessed with fattening her up.
I've been working on this the past week or so and actually the past three nights she's just fed once

thanks again for everybody taking time to respond