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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No strings attached...healthy!?

56 replies

PrettyPosh · 24/01/2011 17:28

My status: Been single for 4 months, 22 years old, working in London living the newly young professional lifestyle.

My dilemma: I have this friend (Let?s call him Mr C), who I work in the same industry as. When we meet I used to be in a serious relationship, so I originally set Mr C up with my best friend (and housemate). Anyway, it didn't work out between them....and eventually my boyfriend and I broke up.

The chemistry between me and Mr C soon built up, and we ended up kissing when I was still with my boyfriend. Four months on, I am single and me and Mr C have become 'friends with benefits'.

Due to the industry we are in, and sheer web of people around us we both know, it?s in both our interests to keep this thing between us on the down low! We are both strictly diligent about this. Just sex, no jealously, no telling our mutual friends, no snuggles, no dates.

The one thing I should mention about Mr C though is he is a very loud, rather strange personality, I am quite an extravert and when I am with him we both play on each other's arrogance, and I let my ultra ego come out to battle his (which is always out!).

He is the biggest arrogant arse known to man. Seriously, he enjoys annoying people and his number one rule is to never apologise. But there is something about him I am so drawn and attracted to.

When we see each other, we spend our time (usually Friday night when everyone goes for post work drinks) arguing at each other, putting each other down, debating. When we are tipsy we kind of play fight in an adult way. And the evening always ends in rampant sex!!

We have had moments of weakness. He was the first, by declaring that 'he liked me and wasn't sure why' (that is a compliment from him) once a couple of months ago when he was very drunk.

I always play hard to get, and it usually works a treat, but this is my biggest challenge. I think he is also quite shocked as to how well I can play his game too. And the whole 'lady in the street, freak in the bed' personality I have is tangled somewhere in this game.

It is stupid I know, and with any normal guy I would have either given up and told him to grow up or just sat him down and said 'let's talk about what is going on here' by now.
But not with this guy. I guess my main dilemma is:

a) I am not sure if he likes me, or if he is that much of an arrogant arse that he is seeing as many multiple women as he makes out he is, and doesn't see me as any more than one of them.

b) I am solely attracted by this chase, his hard to get attitude, and if he did suddenly declare he liked me, I will not be attracted to him any more.

c) I go through phases or thinking I do actually really like him, phases of hating him and phases of being more than ok with this just being a physical thing, as that is what is probably really all I want/know I can get from him.

I have no idea what I want, what I am feeling (if anything at all) and what he wants and is feeling.

It is a really weird, stupid situation. I think I just want confirmation that it isn't unhealthy and it is ok for me/us to carry on like this?

Am I just feeling the pressures of our monogamous society, and instead I should embrace the fact I am part of the new, young adult generation that has more and more 'no strings attached' relationships occurring!???

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 24/01/2011 17:36

Sounds a bit sado-masochistic. And, like it's never going to go anywhere. You've both adopted these larger than life personas in order to sustain and play out the drama necessary to keep each interested in the other. What would happen if you both just cut the crap and admitted you liked each other in a 'normal' way? You sound more amenable to having an emotionally honest relationship than he does tbh. Deep down do you really even think he's capable?

Someone who was arrogant and mean would be really off-putting for me and from experience, never apologising is a really undesirable character trait. He sounds like a bit of a twat if you really want to know.

Have you posted here before under different names? About emotionally and physically abusive relationships you've had with older men and weird power dynamics?

Apologies if that's not you. Just something about your post sounded familiar.

BooBooGlass · 24/01/2011 17:37

You aren't part of a 'new generation' thing, but no doubt tell yourself that to make yourself feel important and exciting. You sound very fucked up for one so young.

madonnawhore · 24/01/2011 17:40

Oh, and to answer your question: not healthy.

OpenAmyrillis · 24/01/2011 17:48

perfumedlife · 24/01/2011 17:51

If you're not sure he even likes you, you really would be better off not sleeping with him.

You are not playing hard to get, trust me.

I'm ever so slightly for you to be honest.

happiestblonde · 24/01/2011 18:04

Hard to get emotionally perhaps. Very harsh words boobooglass.

Original poster

PrettyPosh · 25/01/2011 13:42

Urm ok thanks boobooglass, I will bear that in mind.

Reading over my rather cringey post, I over played how much of a prick he is. We do have very couply moments when we both let our guard down.

But anyway, I intend to tell him I just want to be friends again later this week. And I am certianly not going to sleep with him again. Whatever is happening between us ends now!

OP posts:

jaffacake79 · 25/01/2011 13:51

No strings all depends on your state of mind and sense of self-worth.
If you're happy having no strings and are at a point in your life when you don't need the other trappings of a relationship but are just after a bit of gratification and can handle it all then no-strings works just fine.
However, if you're not and are feeling the tiniest bit needy or your self-confidence etc is a little low then it's a BAD idea.

I've been on both sides of the fence, and tbh the ego and the games he's playing all sound like a disaster waiting to happen to me!

Good luck with sorting it out.

Original poster

PrettyPosh · 26/01/2011 09:37

This made me chuckle, reminds me very much of the my situation:

Although I am sure Aston Kutcher and Natalie Portman have a happy ever after ending!

OP posts:

KikiJane · 26/01/2011 10:15

If you are both happy with no strings, and neither of you (honestly) want anything more, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. If you're being safe, careful and honest with each other, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?

batman47555 · 26/01/2011 10:19

hate to think he had feelings for you, and now thanks to advise you have received you have ditched him!!!!!

Bonsoir · 26/01/2011 10:21

OP - what on earth is wrong with you to let yourself be treated this badly by a man! Get yourself some psychotherapy ASAP.

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 10:47

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with no-strings relationships, they are generally much healthier than relationships which one or both parties is frantically trying to fast-track into commitment.

The only possible problem I could see with this one is: if this man really is an arsehole (ie not just cocky and amusing but a spiteful individual) and you work in the same industry, he might talk about you to colleagues especially if you are the one to call a halt to your fling. However, if he does, this is one of the times when it's OK to be economical with the truth or at least, if anyone feeds anything back to you that he has said, just give an enigmatic smirk and say something like 'Ooh, would't you like to know the truth'.

bubblewrapped · 26/01/2011 10:51

And you think nobody else will have guessed you are shagging each other....

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 11:04

IME it's very difficult to have a truly no strings relationship - especially (and please do forgive the patronising tone) when you're only 22.

Someone always ends up liking the other one more and then the precarious balance of mutual indifference upon which such a relationship functions, is tipped in one direction and the dynamic is upset totally.

While some posters on this thread have quite rightly said it's possible to have enjoyable and healthy no strings relationships - AS LONG AS IT REALLY IS NO STRINGS - I don't think that is what you are describing here.

It sounds like he's a bit of a mean bully and likes to mind fuck people while not having to commit anything emotionally. Also, you've said you don't know how he feels about you which isn't on. Even if it's 'no stings' you should still be clear where you stand other wise you're being strung along and on the back foot.

Going only on what you've written here I don't get the impression that you're emotionally or mentally equipped for this right now.

I hope you dump him. Especially if you're who I think you are.

Ephiny · 26/01/2011 11:20

Nothing wrong with 'no-strings' if both people are happy with it - but really he doesn't sound a very nice person at all, don't you think you deserve better.

Whatever you do, don't get into a proper relationship with him!

Am I right in guessing he's quite a lot older/more experienced than you?

kayah · 26/01/2011 11:22

was it chemistry or lust?

CoteDAzur · 26/01/2011 11:42

It sounds like he is using you for sex. If this is a mutual interest (i.e you also want nothing other than sex), feel free to continue. Except that sooner or later this relationship will come out, your friends and colleagues will find out, and you will be royally embarrassed.

You are probably not in the habit of thinking of long term consequences of your actions, especially the "fun" ones. God knows I wasn't at your age. However, relationships always have consequences and when you are not sure if they are a good idea, they usually aren't.

Taghain · 26/01/2011 11:52

"He is the biggest arrogant arse known to man. Seriously, he enjoys annoying people and his number one rule is to never apologise."

It sounds as if you want to tame him, but why bother. If he enjoys pissing people off, he'll be nasty to you if you break off the relationship - is there anything he does to let you know he actually cares? And what's the point of just sex if there are no snuggles and no dates? All you're seeing is his work mask.

Dump, I'd say.
And whisper to your mates that he's bad in bed.

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 12:18

Oh it's very exciting to have flings with stroppy sods like this; have done it quite a lot myself. Plenty of times both parties walked away happily unscathed, one or two times there did end up being a bit of bad feeling on one or both sides.
I'd say enjoy till it stops being fun, then call a halt, and if he does get a bit tiresome afterwards and talk about you or whatever, remember that it will blow over and you did nothing wrong in having consensual sex with another consenting adult so it's nothing to be ashamed of and anyone who gossips is a knob.

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 12:23

I just feel like if someone is a bit mean and not a very nice person generally, they don't deserve the very magnanimous and generous gesture of you having sex with them.

Then again, it reminds me of that bit in In Bed With Madonna where Madonna's talking with Sandra Bernhardt about casual sex and Sandra says something like, "Well that's why you sleep with them, because they're hideous".

Kind of true. If they weren't hideous, you wouldn't want to have no strings.

KikiJane · 26/01/2011 12:31

It's not "magnanimous and generous" to have sex with someone!

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 12:47

It's a very nice thing to do, to give yourself to someone in such an intimate way! The least the other party can do is not be a prick about it. It's good manners.

KikiJane · 26/01/2011 12:56

Bollocks. I have never 'given myself to someone'. I have had a lot of sex, with a lot of people, and never once thought they owed me anything because I'd been so gracious as to let them put their penis into my vagina.

QueenBathsheba · 26/01/2011 12:58

The fact that you have taken the effort to ponder where this arrangement may lead, implies that you are already involved emotionally.

You have 2 choices, either you get better at playing games and win your prize or you walk away.

What ever you do, never suggest that you have a one of those "lets be honest chats". Men like this like to play psychological games, if you try to pin him down he will get bored and make haste.

Make sure your only availabe on your terms and make sure you remain emotionally aloof.

If you can't play games, your impatient and can't tollerate never knowing where you stand, it's simple, walk away.

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