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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

shall i marry him after him breaking my heart last time??

62 replies

sweetchecks · 24/01/2011 13:45

Wow were do i start telling use?

Was with my Partner who is 8 years older than me. We was fine everything was great. Untill his ex discoverd she was pregnant. She inboxed me on fb and told me the baby was concived while, i was with my Partner. I forgave him, then a couple of months later the proposed and i said yes.

We was paying off stuff had things booked, everything was fine, he moved in with me and then one day he woke up an decided its not what he wanted and left.

We hadnt spoken for 3 months then we got back in contact. He explained that never wanted to leave he just wanted to do what was rite for his baby (with his ex). Them 2 got back together, didnt last long as they have broke up after 2 months.

On new year's eve i ended up in hospital and he came with me. a few days later he asked for me back and i said yes, he proposed again on Saturday just gone, i also said yes but i didnt think he wanted to start paying off stuff again.

I dont know wether to start paying off things again or have a very long engagement??

He has also asked me for a baby, i have a 2 year old and his baby isnt born yet, his ex still has 8 weeks left. i dont know what to do about that either.

Dont get me wrong i do love this lad more than any man in the world lol.

put aside the cheating he is a lovly lad and will do anything for you. I do honestly believe he has changed this time but i still have that doubt in my head more on the marriage than anything else.

Any advise on what i should do would be great thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetchecks · 24/01/2011 14:22

I had a feeling i would get reactions like this TBH.

And if it was the other way around and it was me reading this as someone else's thread i would be writing the same stuff as use lot are :)

The what if question's that deemented is talking about, i wouldnt be suprised but i also dont believe he will cheat again. But If he does thats when i will walk away for good and never turn back.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetchecks · 24/01/2011 14:23

DuelingFanjo he has his own place round the corner from were i live.

OP posts:

deemented · 24/01/2011 14:26

But did you believe he's cheat in the first place???

Please, please don't give him the chance to hurt you - and your DD - again. Men like this very rarely change, because they don't think they have to.

What's going to happen in eight weeks time when his ex has her baby? Is he going to be there... and will he come back to you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/01/2011 14:27

"but i also dont believe he will cheat again"

And your reasons for thinking this exactly?.

Actions speak louder than words and this man has already cheated on you.

You probably did not think he would go back to his ex and get her pg either. He'll continue to go back and forth between the two of you because you both let him do so as well:(.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 24/01/2011 14:28

AttilaTheMeerkat yes he is working he will be a great dad, he is great with my lil girl and he will be there for the baby, its not kids that's the problem its not his ex either its him tbh he need to relise what he wants.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/01/2011 14:29

"he has his own place round the corner from were i live"

I would consider moving away. You don't need him on your doorstep.

SlightlyTubbyHali · 24/01/2011 14:29

You say you can't help how you feel, and maybe you can't but you can try to make sensible choices.

You see, I don't believe that being in love (or lust) is enough to make it worth going into a relationship which, based on past behaviour, will be entirely destructive.

Love is not meant to hurt. In this life you can only judge people on how they behave. And this chap has behaved like you don't matter to him. He may say all the right things to you, but his actions do not sound loving at all. Again, real love does not hurt.

And think about the child you already have. Do you want to risk him or her growing up in an environment that isn't stable because you decide to enter into a relationship with a proven liar? Or growing up thinking that cheating is okay, and (if she's a girl) that she should expect to be treated badly by men?

I'm sorry to come on all heavy, but it isn't just you and your "wants" that you need to be thinking about here.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 24/01/2011 14:30

what you are all sayen does make sence alot of sence.

i am just really confused rite now dont know what to do.

I know marrying him or haven kids isnt the answer either

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/01/2011 14:32

"Its not kids that's the problem its not his ex either its him tbh he need to relise what he wants"

What he wants is what you are currently both giving him i.e his cake and eating it. He has two women vying for his attention and affections which is a goldmine to such a person because he can play you both off against each other. Both of you ladies need to give this lad the order of the boot; the only person he is thinking of here is himself.

msboogie · 24/01/2011 14:37

"put aside the cheating"

You CAN'T put aside the cheating, love. The cheating means:

He is a liar
You can't trust him
You can't rely on him
He is immature
He is not ready to be a dad or a husband or a decent partner

6 You deserve better.

You need to work on your self esteem because if you thought enough of yourself you wouldn't even look the same side of the road as him after what he has done.

There's lots of women on this site who are probably twice your age who are still making the sme mistakes- you don't want to be one of them. Listen to your family and protect your heart and your little one's happiness.

cabbageroses · 24/01/2011 16:33

You call him a "lad" yet he has one child at least and wants another.

How old are you both?

Why does he want another baby now? Does he want to make them and collect them like toys?

How is he going to pay for all these children- or does he expect the women/the state to do that?

All I see here is a big baby who only wants what he can't have, messes up 2 women, brings kids into the world without an ounce of conscience or responsibility to be a good father.

How would you cope as a mum to another child? Do you work? Have you the money to finance 2 children and possibly no father?

I would stay well away and see what happens once his child is born. If he still wants you then, maybe- but he has to earn your trust AND manage to be a dad to the child he already has!

Doha · 24/01/2011 18:51

Don't be so bloody stupid.

He is and always will be a twat.

Marry him and you will have a lifetime of his twatishness.

Run like the wind

Original poster

sweetchecks · 24/01/2011 23:52

cabbageroses i am 20 and he is 28.

I agree he is a twat for what he done, i know his ex wont go any were near him again she has said the same to me what all you's are saying.

Everyone that does know me and him say he has changed an he "loves" me, but if he ever did love me he wouldnt of cheated :/.

I guess i just needed advise of people that dont know either of us :) and to look at everything the way you women would :).

The whole marriaged thing isnt going to happen, no matter how much he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

The baby thing aint going to happen either, i am not ready my self and have the rest of my life to live. I am only 20 i should be out having a good time not planning weddings and certainly not planning any more children with a lad that needs to get his priorities sorted.

As for our 'relationship' i need a good think about it all :)

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AnyFucker · 25/01/2011 09:34

what is all his financial stuff you are considering "starting o pay again" ?

are they his debts ?

have you given him money in he past ?

don't give him any more money please

this pillock is best swerved, or you will have a life of misery

get yourself an STD check and don't ever sleep with this tosser again

RMCW · 25/01/2011 09:41

Run away. Far away.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2011 09:46

Please do yourself and your son a huge favour and dump this total loser.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 25/01/2011 11:18

AnyFucker thats just general stuff about about the wedding.

he aint really in debt, he only has to pay an over draft off really.

I dont give him money as he works an earns his own.

I have had a STD check an i am clean :)

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Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2011 14:16

i would say run and never look back

but i have a feeling you wont

so if you try again, then DONT marry him yet, and DONT have a baby with him and tie yourself to him

he needs to earn your trust

same situation happened with my friend,he slept with someone once and she got pregnant (which really hurt my friend as they had been trying for a yr) and she took him back and he had to prove his love to her, 8years on, they have been married 5 years and he has never strayed again and she has a 2yr

SirBoobAlot · 25/01/2011 14:24

He is a prick. Stay far, far away.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 25/01/2011 15:15

What a pillock - he may be 8 years older than you but he's behaving like a 16 year old. Marriage? Babies? This girl? That girl? What a whirl his brain must be. It sounds like he is chanting "weddings, babies" at you to hypnotise you into thinking he's serious, in order to get back into your bed, not because that's what he actually wants.

You have given him a second chance btw, when he fathered a baby with somebody else. That's all the chance anyone needs. And he still buggered off afterwards.

I bet your little girl is a sweetie and you two will be more than happy without this prat shuttling in and out of the place, unable to decide where to stick his dick next.

Get yourself some good shoes because you've got a lot of running to do! :)

glastocat · 25/01/2011 16:31

I agree with everyone else. You can do much better for yourself than this guy.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 25/01/2011 20:19

I am actually starting to see how Much of a fool i have been.

I can't sit there and blame the ex because it take two to tang.

I don't know what to so now though as, i actually got back with him and gave him this chance to make it up :/.

How am i ment to finish it? What am i ment to say?

My little bones of this lad and it is once again going to break her heart. Suppose she will get over it as she is 2 better now than she would in a couple of months/years.

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Doha · 25/01/2011 20:26

Look love you get one shot at life and you have to make the most of it.

Don't even consider staying with him coz you don't know how to finish it.

You gave him his chance and it hasn't worked for you. Just tell him that you don't feel the same anymore and you would prefer to be on your own with your son. No need for long explanations or justificatins.
you don't love and can't trsut him.

The end

biglips · 25/01/2011 20:29

you will find your prince charming one day.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 25/01/2011 20:32

Thank you girls x

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