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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please

31 replies

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 09:06

My hubby was brought up in care and was always being moved around and treated badly suffering physical abuse. He has a lot of anger issues and doesn't know how to bond with people or trust anyone. Our son is nearly 4 and I know hw loves him dearly but he is so harsh on him, he thinks he should be seen and not heard and does not know how to have fun with him. He is forever shouting at him and saying unforgiveable things, I hate you and I wish we could send you back are two examples. Hubby has always been very needy in terms of taking notice of him and now Alex is here he is getting less. He is always threatening to leave and pack his bags - I am immune to this now as he has said it so many times. I am beginning to hate him and wish he would go although part of me still loves him and I want him to shaoe up and realise how lucky we are. What is wrong with him and what can I do?

OP posts:

Plumm · 24/01/2011 09:07

I don't know how you can help him but I couldn't live with a man who spoke to my child like that.

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 09:13

He can be so kind at times and has many good points too. He is not a bad man just badly affected by what has happened to him.

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DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 24/01/2011 09:19

It's not your DH's fault he had a terrible time growing up. It's desperately sad and my heart goes out to him. It must have been awful.

But it's not your son's fault either and your DH is bang out of order to take out his frustrations in this way.

No matter how justifiably sympathetic you are to your DH and his crap upbringing you can't keep letting him treat your son like this. It's going to screw up your son almost as badly as your DH's upbringing screwed him up.

Has he ever had any therapy to help him deal with his demons? I'd be seriously thinking of telling him to either get help or get lost.

BornAgainBokononist · 24/01/2011 09:23

Protect your son, leave him.

robberbutton · 24/01/2011 09:27

Does your H recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable? If he does, and is willing to try and fix it, then like DoCTM said, maybe therapy could help. If he can't see that he has a problem, I don't know what to say- either find a way of showing him, or find a way of protecting your son from becoming as damaged as your H. :(

Good luck.

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 09:31

I guess I have a very forgiving nature, I am being idealistic but dream of us all being happy together. I know deep down he loves us both.
I have suggested seeking help but he is reluctant to do so, I think he tries to block out the abuse. He was sent to a boarding school in Hereford when he was 5 and the HT was subsequently on Crimewatch and jailed foe sexual abuse. He has never told me whether this happened to him but I suspect it did. I want to be there for him he has no one else in the whole world, no Mum or Dad, brothers or sisters etc...> How do you deal with this? I have had asheltered life and am so Naive

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Hassled · 24/01/2011 09:34

I think it's ultimatum time - counselling or a marriage. But you have to mean it. Leaving things as they are isn't fair on you and certainly isn't fair on your DS - hearing things like "I hate you" will well and truly screw him up, and you'll just continue the cycle - your son won't know how to be a good father himself.

Jodalina1 · 24/01/2011 09:36

It seems like you do have a forgiving nature, but you will never forgive yourself if your sons turns out to be like his father if he doesn't get help. You brought your son into this world and i think you should put his future first and do what you think is best for him.

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 09:39

Where do you go for counselling? Is it available via your GP?
We could not afford to pay privately.

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Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 09:42

I feel beside myself with worry and feel unable to cope. I cried in the car on the way to work this morning. I feel like I am close to having a breakdown and have no one to talk to about this....

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Hassled · 24/01/2011 09:43

Yes, counselling is available on the NHS. THe downside is that there's often a long waiting list, but I think if you and your DH go together and explain the background and current problems you might get a reasonably quick referral.

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 09:51

I'm not sure he would go but I will try my best to persuade him because there is no other way. He does not trust officials and sees them as interfering busy bodies.

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NoWayNoHow · 24/01/2011 09:54

Your DH's childhood sounds very sad. However, it sounds like he's perpetuating the cycle by treating your DS like this. Do you want your DS to grow up with the memories of his father telling him he hates him, and that he wished he was never born?

Do you not think that this kind of upbringing might result in your DS having this same kind of problems?

This will be difficult, but you need to set some boundaries for your husband. He needs to know that he CANNOT treat your DS this way. As hard as this might be for you, maybe you need to make yourself the outlet for his issues? Maybe you should tell him that if he is angry/frustrated, then he can rant at you OUT of earshot of your DS, but that you will not tolerate any more name calling.

JustForThisOne · 24/01/2011 09:59

please speak to GP today. See what options are available. Your h must get therapy pronto but it will be ages before there will be any improvement because the damage is so deep routed. Sorry to say but it could be too late for him.
It is not too late for your ds though
You should also ask your self why you feel so utterly responsible for H but not for your own ds who needs to be spared from such abusive behaviour.
If you cannot kick your dh out you must find ways to remove your ds immediately as you see that h is kicking off
what chord does this man touch in you if you cannot see your ds needs your help more than he does right now?

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 10:03

Yes I have tried to do this as much as possible. He knows his behaviuor is wrong and shows remorse afterwards - finds it hard to say sorry outright but will do it with a gesture such as taking us out for lunch or a small treat. The thing is he carries on then as if everthing id fine until the nest time... like a ticking bomb

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onmyfeet · 24/01/2011 10:09

You must not allow him to speak to your 4 year old like that. It is unacceptable. Doesn't matter if you love him, you son deserves better. It is up to you to protect him.
I would move out if he wouldn't, he is abusing your child, you can't let it go on. He definitely needs anger management. To say those horrible things to a child, well a child only need hear it one time to remember it forever.

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 10:11

Just for this one

That is unfair to say that. I am a good Mum to my little boy and try to be a good wife as well. My son does come first but I cannot abandon H cos he needs me as well. For better for worse and this is worse. I might ask if I can stay at my sisters for a few days

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JustForThisOne · 24/01/2011 10:19

Victoria, which bit do you find unfair? Not may intention to have a go at you as situation very difficult indeed
pls point it out I may explain myself better

EricNorthmansMistress · 24/01/2011 10:20

He was abused, he has never learnt how to be a parent, he just doesn't know how to do it. He is needy and puts his own needs before your DS, he is emotionally abusive to your DS and is harming him

Your son is being abused

Your DH may be able to change his behaviour and understanding with a lot of therapy but it doesn't sound like he's likely to invest in that

Sometimes it comes down to a straight choice. Stick with relationship and damage child, or leave relationship and protect child. In your case I'm afraid I think you are there. I'm very sad to hear what your tiny boy is being subjected to by his father and his self esteem with be absolutely fucked by this. In 7 years time you will have the beginnings of a very disturbed teenager on your hands. You need to remove him from this toxic influence immediately and work on building his self esteem back up. Your H will be a much better father if you monitor the contact he has with him - so if he's in a stress or having a tantrum you can remove your child from his influence.

Please stop being 'naive' as you put it, your H is damaged and is damaging your child in turn. There is a reason we call it the 'care cycle' or the 'abuse cycle' because, without help, abused children often grow up to be abusive adults.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/01/2011 10:21

"My son does come first but I cannot abandon H cos he needs me as well".

Well show your H you mean business then.
You would not be abandonning your H though if you left him.

I am sorry he had an awful childhood but he cannot use that as an excuse for how he acts now towards his son. He is perpetuating all that happened to his own self onto this boy, the next generation. Its not fair on either yourself or your child to be a part of this particularly if your man is unwilling to seek counselling of his own accord. Calling them "interfering busybodies" is just denying himself the opportunity to deal with his past properly and sounds like he does not want to.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/01/2011 10:24

What you want might be unachievable and it sounds like it is unachievable, especially in the short term.

Your H needs therapy, but of a specialised nature. A general counsellor will not fit this particular bill; he needs one who specialises in helping individuals recover from childhood abuse. He should ask his GP if there is any funding for private, specialised help, but this is urgent. Once he starts the therapy, it will take a long time to see sustained changes in his behaviour.

That's too long for your son to be exposed to the abuse that he is suffering and as the only adult in his life who is emotionally healthy and he relies on your for his care, you must put him first and your relationship, second. You are not responsible for your husband's emotional health - he is. As an adult, he has choices. Your son has none.

If you stay with your H while he does nothing to help himself, or while he is getting therapy, you will be making an active choice yourself and one that could irrevocably harm your child. It really is that stark a choice.

EricNorthmansMistress · 24/01/2011 10:24

I know deep down he loves us both.

Yeah, yeah. And what does he do to show that love daily? Honestly? How does he make you and your DS feel loved every day? Or does he, in fact, make you feel unloved daily, with the occasional crumb of 'love' (going out for lunch or a small treat) which you cling on to as a sign that 'deep down' he loves you....

'I know hw loves him dearly but he is so harsh on him, he thinks he should be seen and not heard and does not know how to have fun with him. He is forever shouting at him and saying unforgiveable things, I hate you and I wish we could send you back are two examples. '

Loving parents do not behave this way to their children

They just don't :(

Original poster

victoriah3 · 24/01/2011 10:35

I guess you can't always see the wood for the trees. It is hard to be objective when you are stuck in this situation. I will talk to him tonight when Alex is in bed. It is the right thing for him to leave.

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onmyfeet · 24/01/2011 10:35

You are not abandoning your husband by doing the right thing for your child. Your husband needs to get help,if he is to ever be a nurturing parent. It isn't his fault what happned to him as a child, but it has affected his ability to control himself.

Plus, he cannot come to his child and wife and say sorry? Does he admit he was wrong to say those things? I find it very unnatural for a parent to tell their child they hate them. Does he speak like that to you as well? He needs to learn to control his hurtful words, and in the meantime it is best you protect your son from hearing that he is hated and unwanted.

crazygracieuk · 24/01/2011 10:38

Your dh's background is very sad but he needs to change his ways asap or your son will end up as damaged as his father.

Does your h know that his behaviour is not normal? Would he go to a parenting course so he can learn how to discipline and talk to his child?

In order to "shape up" your h MUST deal with his past because it is ruining your boy's present.

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