Dont know what to do now so confused!

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Hi
This is probably a little long winded but I really dont know what to do. (have just read it back and its so long sorry you dont need to read but its helped typing it all up :( need all the facts written down to work things out )

Nutshell - DH one affair now caught in hotel room went to his mums early december came back home xmas eve everyone happy apart from me now back at his mums and Im at a loss what to do. Confused and hurt - more detail below)

Been with DH for nearly 7 years, married for 4 last week and have two DD (3.6 and 1.8)
Not always been the best marriage - he had an affair when I pregnant with DD2 and found out last September when she was 4 months old.

He was so sorry told me it ended before DD2 was born and he wanted to make things work. He was sorry for a while and I was so hurt and embarrased that I never told anyone and just acted like normal to save his family and my mum hating him. I was very depressed around this time as the baby never slept and as I knew who the OW was (his best mates new wife) I was always panicking that I would see her.

Things did get better. I constantly thought about it and hated him a little for making me like this.

Cut to Septemeber this year (we both work together) and he gets a new female boss. Both the same age but she is the polar opposite from me - tall, pretty and blonde. I thought she faniced him but said nothing. Hes a very friendly guy and everyone in work has a laugh with him. They used to always be in the same ailse working (work in a
shop). Once or twice he mentioned her and at one point said they went to lunch together. I flipped and said with his history he shouldnt have done it and should have said.

He got very angry and I stayed at my mums for a couple of nights. We had a bad 2 weeks and nearly ended things. He said I nag all the time and nothing is ever good
enough. I see him being a lazy arse playing computer games and hate him for hurting me in the past. The boss left at the end of November (the same time things were
bad) and we got on ok. For 2 week things in my opinion were back on track.

December 5th was works night out at a local hotel. The female boss turns up and completely blanks me. Not too bothered as didnt really like her but was a bit confused.

Asked DH if he wanted to get a room as both DD were with their gran. He said no its a waste of money and got a bit mad. Should say I was driving and he was going out
after it into town with other mates who were getting him at 12 even though he had a bad cold he was adamanet. Was a little pissed but let it go. When at work do's we
always sit with our own friends so he went back to his and I went to mine. Had the occasional chat but stayed apart most of night. Near the end I wanted to go so told him and he said he was getting picked up now anyway. A very drunk friend was trying to go home in a taxi and he was insistent that I take her home. Didnt really want to but
wouldnt leave someone stranded. He practically pushed me out the door.

Took me 30 mins to get her home. When I got in I called him to let him know. It rang out so called again and this time he hung up on me. Annoyed called one more time
and the call connected but he didnt know and I could hear him. With a woman. The female boss. I was so numb with shock I didnt know what to do. I could hear them
kissing and laughing. I felt so sick.

I decided after all the crap the last time I was going to confront him and headed back to the hotel. Could hear them laughing on the speaker the whole way. I didnt know
what I was going to do once I got to the hotel but how could I sit at home knowing the two of them were together?

Got to the hotel and went back to the room and got my friend. Told her were he was and asked her for help. She went to reception and phoned her in the room and asked
if he was there and of course she said no. My friend had to go so I went to another friend who I wish I had asked first. She had been sitting with the boss and when I told
her she was adamaent she had left about 45 minutes ago when her DP had picked her up. When I told her I had heard them and that the other friend had spoke to her in
a room she went to reception to ask where the room was. She couldnt belive what I had told her.

People were wondering why I was back but managed to convince them I had lost my key. They all told me DH had gone but were happy with my lie and left me a alone. At this point DH called me and I asked where he was. THere was no background noise and he said the nightclub in town. There is no way he could even be there yet its too far away. I told him not to lie and he said he wasnt. I was so hurt. He then said 'yeah ok Im here what is it to you?' I couldnt belive how angry he was sounding! My friend found out where the room was and he said he was coming out. So met him in the corridor and he was raging that my friend was there. Not to do with the fact he had been caught more that I had told her - even though he did it at OUR work night out!

Anyway we left got home and he was like right how we going to do this - you stay here I'll move out. Everything was so final. He said I wanted too much and he didnt want to give any more.
Went to bed in tears he slept on the couch. Next morning he was sorry and did everything for the girls. Then the horrible snow hit. I was supposed to work that night but it
was cancelled. We didnt really talk much. He kept saying how sorry he was and he didnt mean the things he said. Also said nothing happend and stopped after they kissed
(yeah right!)

Then on the Thursday I was at home and he was at work. He had maintened this was a one off and nothing had happened before. He swore he hadnt had contact via text
or phone. So I looked at his phone bill. Then realised he was a lying fucker. He had text her nearly 4000 times over 2 months. All through the dinner on the night out he
was texing her and even after we got home. He called her about 20 times on the Monday and when I was sitting beside him he was texting her.
I went ballistic and called him. Told him I couldnt trust him he has constantly lied and he cant possibly love me. He was saying how sorry he only lied because it looked
bad. Anyway said it was over - my mum came over told her. He said I could tell his mum (we all get on well) she was upset and so was everyone else. He went to his
mums and saw eachother a few times when he came to see the girls. He kept asking all the time to make a go of things and would we be ok. I coudlnt belive it as he just
agreed to end it all. Anyway I was so confused couldnt eat, sleep or function properly and with christmas round the corner didnt know what to do.

One night he came roudnd and we slept together. Before you say it I know what a tramp I was. I was just loanly and didnt know what to do. Of course he seen this as a
good sign and I regreted it instantly. Anyway come christmas eve to stop christmas being ruined for the kids and everyone else I said we could give it another go. Everyone
was so happy.

Cut to now and 4 weeks later everyone is happy but me. He forgot our wedding anniversary and even though we have been taking it slow and he's been a great help with the kids and around the house I cant stop thinking of it all. Dream about it every night and look at him and think how the hell can I trust him anymore. I dont even know if I love him any more. Again everyone is upset but fuck it Im not happy and need to stop thinking about everyone else. I need to think about me and my kids. (Does that sound bad?)

Forgetting the anniversary was the icing on the cake. We are skint but thought he would at least try and make an effort with it. We had an argument when at about 8.30 I mentioned it (he was at work) he said yeah he forgot and didnt think I was talking to him

Now I dont know what to do. He's at his mum and thinks this is a couple of day things when I think its going to take a lot longer. Like I say I dont know if I can trust him or even love him right now. He's well and trully broke my heart. For the second time. Do I just end it so I dont get hurt for a 3rd time? And if Im thinking like that will I ever get over it? What happens with the money, flat and kids? There is no way we can sell as market here so bad. I just need unbiased help. Will a counceller help? How do I get help?

You poor, poor thing.
I have no idea about the practicalities. But I do know you should get the fuck rid of him. He's done it twice now. He'll not change. My personal view is bleed the fucker dry. I hate him - and I've never even met him.

urgh I know its bad isnt it? Reading it back it sounds horrible. He really will never change will he?
Wish I could bleed him dry but everything is in my name (apart from flat its joint)
only thing of value to him is his bloody PS3. But the way Im feeling its going on ebay tomorrow

thanks for the reply x x x

You deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration and this excuse for a man is never going to be capable of that.

How about asking your GP to refer you for counselling? Or Relate either with or without DH? It wil help you clarify what you want next. There is no hurry to decide. You are entitled to take as long as you want to make up your mind.

What a vile man.

You have to get rid of him.

You have to never sleep with him again.

Otherwise he will destroy any sense of self worth you have.

He's horrible.

Get him out. Permanently.

You don't need to ask if you should get him out - your post is just so upsetting. It's so painful for you.

Don't allow this sort of thing to happen to you again. Teach your daughters to stay away from scum like your husband.

He's taking you for a fool. There will be many more upset Christmasses for your dds if you don't kick him out for good now.

What a complete tosser. You are well rid of him. 4000 texts?!
Proud of you for hunting him down on the night though! Be strong, insist he leaves, you can't trust him, you know that. Dont pretend anymore, just tell him it's over. By the sound if things, you can you can do it by yourself. Good luck.

Ive read your post and I hope that writing it all down as given you a little relief.

well you must be gutted, hurt, disappointed, scared, sick, angry.

Its the one thing i dont think i could ever forgive.

I dont mean to sound negative but what happens when the "nextone" comes along

once - ok everyone can make a mistake but twice well for me it would be unacceptable.

Nobody here can really tell you what to do, but you need some space to decide what is in your heart. There are people who can give you objective and professional advice, and I'll leave others her who are more knowledgeable to help you with those details.
Will he do it again? Yes, almost certainly.
If you split will you get over it? Yes. And who knows what else could be in store you in a happier future?
What happens with money, house, kids? You get the professional advice, take one step at a time, and get through.
Good luck to you, you've been treated horribly.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what to say. What an arse. If he is unhappy with you, then he should do the honourable thing and leave properly and not mess you about. But oh no, wanting to have his cake and eat it.

I don't know how the trust can ever be re-build. How do you feel about going it alone?

Keep him away from you, you have made the right decision.

Anyone would be better than him, Hell, NO-ONE would be better than him!

Stay strong.

You are all so right. He used to be my best friend and I didnt need anyone but him. Now I have spent the weekend apart and truthfully I dont even think I have missed him.

Hes a great dad and I know my girls will be ok if we did split permantly.

I just dont think I can forget never mind forgive at the minute.

But then I think is our marrige not worth giving a go of? But then why should I when he didnt. And ok Iv not been perfect and can nag but my god I would never cheat.

My dad cheated on my mum for years and she didnt leave him till I was 16 and was miserable. I always said if he ever cheated he would be gone. But when you have two wee ones its not so black and white is it?

What do I do money wise? Do we work out all bills then split the rest or what? Does he give me more for the kids. Im quite scared of the future right now. But I definetly feel a lot better writing it all down and being on my own right now. Was all so fake when he was back here.

thanks again for your posts its helping x

schnullerbacke - I feel half ok and half scared shitless. I have coped ok this weekend and was ok during december when he wasnt here as was busy with xmas and such.

Do you know you have all said he's an arse and should get rid but do you know all our family are treating him like nothing has happened and I think that has hurt the most and probably made me think about ending it completely. My mum treats him like the son she never had. How come they cant see what a total dick he is???

You have tried to make a go of your marriage and he's thrown it back in your face.

Have you been putting a brave face on it all to your family? Do they know exactly what he's done? Because if they do and they still don't condemn him for his horrible, disrespectful behaviour towards you then they are in the wrong too.

Contact a solicitor to talk about starting divorce proceedings, how much it'll cost, how to sort out finance etc.

You've really tried hard at this marriage. You can't let him treat you badly any more.

OP My thoughts are with you. There are better qualified people on here that will be able to help you more than I can. Just hang in there, like someone said, one day at a time you will get stronger.

Sometimes nothing is better than something and I think this is one of those cases.

You will get the backing here, no matter what you decide to do. The final decision is yours, no one has the right to TELL you what to do, hopefully most people will advise you what they would do and sit back.

Hope you manage to sleep tonight.

Have read your OP and sorry to say but I think he has run out of second chances and odds are more or less certain that even if you gave him another he would not change.
I don't see that you can recover your trust in him after such sustained betrayal.
Is your family trying to carry on as normal because they think you want to continue with the marriage? They may be trying to support you in carryng on but seething/worrying underneath.
Don't worry too much about the practicalities - you just need to see a solicitor and follow the process.
So sorry you've had such an awful time and I think you have acted incredibily well and shown huge strength. Your DCs have a mum to be proud of. x

When you get some legal advice you will be told what happens about money etc. Meanwhile, I hope you can make it clear to him that moving out to his mum's doesn't mean he can stop supporting you and your children financially.
You need to tell your mum exactly what you have told us. Maybe even show her this thread if it's easier. No loving mum would support a man who treated her daughter so cruelly, and I don't think your mum will either when she knows exactly what he's done to you. My mum would be waiting outside his mum's in her Ford Ka waiting to run him over!

Actually, re the finances, I can suggest something you could do. Go round your house and get every bit of paper you can find relating to his income, bank accounts, savings and pensions. All the proof you can find of his income and assets. You will need that info and it's the sort of thing that mysteriously goes missing sometimes.

Winkywinkola - yep they know it all. I was so hurt about the first time and unable to talk about it that I told our mums everything. And a few work people too. My mum was taking him to work and the gym even though she knew I wasnt happy on our anniversary that he forgot. Its like she doesnt want to acknowledge it all. In fact when I said he was back at his mums and that I was fine her response was 'but I'm not!'.

Im not a very selfish person and try to help people an dont really think of myself but this time all I want is people to ask how I am and not worry about everyone else. I need to do this for me. Its so hard though.

If I ever thought he would do this I would never have got married. Grr hate him so much right now.

And have you noticed that everywhere on TV and movies its all about affairs or cheatings? Thats driving me mad too! Think I need a good sleep :(

I would report the boss while you're at it. Surely there must be some regulation somewhere to stop bosses having relationships with juniors at work (works night out counts as work), particularly when they are married to other junior members of staff!

Pickgo - thank you. I worry most about my girls but hope Im doing the right thing for them. And I sometimes I think they are trying to be upbeat because we were giving it a go - but they just acted like nothing happend. I coudlnt do that I cant be two faced Im either happy with you or in a mood IYSWIM. But then maybe they were still angry?

Myleetlepony - he said before he would always support us and Im sure he will he's a good dad. I do all finances and have all paperwork so thats not a problem. To be honest he's had it so easy for 7 years. I do everything. But now he has his mum to do it now.
I might show my mum this. She is great and helps lots but I dont think she realises how hurt I am. But then I dont show my emotions sometimes.

Well, you need to stop worrying about how your mum feels. She's not married to him and having to suffer him sleeping around on her. Your physical health is also at risk.

So, perhaps you can't automatically expect any support from your mum on this but are there any friends that you know you can rely on and who won't report back to your h?

The finance advice you've had on here sounds good!

OP he isn't going to change. He cheated once, got away with it (well, you tried to forgive and forget) and he did it again. And will do again.

I am shocked at his reaction to you in the hotel, what a callous bastard.

So sorry for you. If I were you i would see your GP and ask for a referal for some counselling and CAB to see how you stand re finances and divorce.

If you're mother is too much on his side, try to tell her very little. I know it must be hard, but you don't want to confide in her only to find she is telling H of your plans.

We are here no matter what you decide. What I will say is, the children will cope just fine, so long as the house remains calm and you start to find your feet.

Your mother, sorry, not you're

atswintwolengths - at the night out my friend had to tell our more senior manager as I think she was worried something might kick off on the night out. Apparantly they never trusted this boss anyway. She phoned the work a few days later to talk to him probably to save face.

Thankfully she is away and as a few bosses know I dont think she will be back. The store manager is good friends with her though and doesnt know (as far as I am aware) which could mean she could come back but will worry about that at another time.

She doesnt want to ackowledge things but I dont think she would talk to him about any plans I would have. I hope not anyway! She just wants to help but keep things all happy at the same time.
I have my best friend who is just appalled by it all. Told her we were having problems before and a little of the affair the first time but we never spoke of it again. Now though she has been a great help and I know I can turn to her whenever. Just hate to pile it all on to her. Plus she works long hours and dont always have time to catch up with her.

Will my GP refer me somewhere to talk? Would feel thats a waste of an appointment if I wasnt really ill IYSWIM? What about CTC and WTC do I tell them now or only if its a permanent seperation?

Don't think I'd tel CTC and WTC unless it is permanent BUT if he does not give you any financial support then you should tell them so that the money comes directly to you (if it doesn't already).
They were great when I separated - did the new claim over the phone and was paid by the end of the week. So no worries there.
I think you need a proper heart to heart with your mum. I know when there have been difficult patches with my grown-up DCs marriages I have felt very upset at the thought of all the heartache that could ensue for my DCs and DGCs. Having said that my first thought would always be with my DCs. Perhaps your mum thinks it's going to be like the last times and just thinks she's being put through the wringer only for you to take him back again? Might be totally off the ball here, but I'd have a talk with her to find out what's going on in her mind.
Your GP won't think an appointment is a waste of time and can refer you for counselling but I think there are usually long waiting times. Relate might be a better option (they will reduce charges for low incomes).
Hope things look clearer in the morning.