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Original poster

Oh dear

40 replies

MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 21:24

I've been away for five days with work.

I've come home and been so happy to be home. We all had supper together.

Then I was on the 'puter, checking emails whilst dh put the dcs to bed upstairs. A text arrived on dh's iPhone which was sitting on the desk by the keyboard. It popped up on his screen and said "How was it today? Hope you managed to not shag XXXXX" Yeah, I shouldn't have read it but it was there on the screen.

XXXX is a friend of mine who I'd arranged to spend the day with dh and the dcs today as her dh is also away and was at a bit of a loss as to what to do with her dcs.

I waited until dh came down and asked him what it meant. He said it was nothing. Just banter he and his friend had about XXXX and her dh.

I was really upset. I didn't believe him. I said it was a response that would be natural to dh saying he fancied XXXX and it would be a struggle not to shag her.

He then called up his friend who sent the text and asked the friend to explain to me the context. The friend said the context was that it was weird that XXXX's husband is away a lot and why was he away a lot - could he be up to mischief? I just said, "OK," to the friend as I didn't really want him involved.

I still don't really believe dh. He's gone mad, smashed the telly, kicked a few toys around saying he's done nothing wrong, he's a good man and has worked hard with dcs, I come home, he gets a dodgy text and now he gets a hard time.

He went out to get some fags - he's a struggling non smoker and has now gone to bed in the spare room.

How do things go wrong so very quickly? Should I have just taken his word instead of questioning it.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 23/01/2011 21:27

He smashed the telly? That's pretty aggressive. Is he likely to start on you? Have the kids heard/seen him acting like this?

If you have the slightest inclination of more aggression, get out of there immediately. You might want to get out now...

BooBooGlass · 23/01/2011 21:27

He's smashed the tv in a fit of rage. He is not a 'good man'

macdoodle · 23/01/2011 21:27

"He's gone mad, smashed the telly, kicked a few toys around saying he's done nothing wrong, he's a good man and has worked hard with dcs, I come home, he gets a dodgy text and now he gets a hard time."

This would be the part that would be ringing alarm bells for me. Though assumably they had both sets of DC with them so not muc opportunity for no good?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 23/01/2011 21:27

It actually sounds like a mate winding him up tbh.

liquiditytrap · 23/01/2011 21:28

Right. The text on its own - not a big deal. My friends are terrible for completely exaggerating everything, like if I say I have a crush on someone they construct this whole ongoing joke about it. Maybe he has a little crush on XXXX, which isn't a big deal, and his friend is taking the piss. Or maybe the friend just said it as a joke, with no input from your H

BUT - your H has now gone mad, smashed the telly??? That's not normal

I think his uncontrolled anger is the problem, not the text

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 21:29

I went on about it for quite awhile saying it didn't fit, what his friend had said, that I'm not a sucker and not to be taken for a fool etc.

OP posts:
annh · 23/01/2011 21:33

The explanation sounds plausible to me. Did you really think they were going to have sex while they were looking after both sets of children?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 23/01/2011 21:34

I think you need to clarify what you meant by him smashing up the telly. Kicking a couple of toys around is no big deal obviously, but did he actually break the TV?

NimpyWindowmash · 23/01/2011 21:38

Has he been unfaithful before? In which case you were not unreasonable to grill him about it. But either way his reaction was very extreme. Perhaps the text was too close to the truth. Hope it blows over for you.

Ephiny · 23/01/2011 21:40

Agree with what people have said - the text on its own could be just harmless banter (though I don't blame you for wondering if there's more to it) but his reaction sounds really out of proportion - there's no excuse for him kicking and smashing things just because someone says something he doesn't like. Even if you did 'go on about it' and annoy him, there's no excuse for his behaviour. Especially with children in the house.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 21:41

No, I didn't think they'd had sex. Absolutely not especially since there was no opportunity with all the dcs around.

But what made me upset was the thought of dh and his friend oohing and aaahing over XXXX. I wanted to know if he found her attractive and that's what they'd been talking about.

I mean, he'd just spent the whole day with her and the thought of me having made the arrangements facilitating that made me feel sick when I thought he'd been talking about shagging someone else.

He punched the telly. Big crack in it. Doesn't work.

OP posts:
squeaver · 23/01/2011 21:43
  1. His friend sounds like a bit of a knob, gossiping about your friend and sending stupid, unfunny texts.
  1. You probably did go on about it, especially after her got his mate to explain.
  1. He shouldn't be smashing TV sets
JarethTheGoblinKing · 23/01/2011 21:46

definitely agree that his reaction was out of proportion.

Having said that, when DP accused me of shagging someone else (I hadn't been, and have never been unfaithful to him) I did launch his phone out of the window in anger....

Not saying this excuses what he's done, he's either a) been cheating on you and is pissed at being caught out or b) would never dream of it and is super angry at the accusation. (as I'm sure you know)

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 21:46
  1. You probably did go on about it, especially after her got his mate to explain.

I don't know what this means, squeaver. I did go on about it and I shouldn't have after he got his friend to explain?

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 21:51

So what do I do now?

He's not been unfaithful before as far as I know.

He's a good father. He's quick to anger but has never hit me or the dcs. They're in bed. He doesn't drink hardly at all. Works very hard in his job.

He's been to anger management. Has thrown things and smashed a few toys before.

To be honest, I feel like a tit now. Apart from the smashed telly. But when you see a text like that, what are you supposed to think? We're going on holiday with XXXX and her dh and dcs in the summer. I couldn't go if I thought dh was going to making eyes at her all the time.

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 23/01/2011 21:56

I'm going to be shot down in flames for this, but the chances are, he's done nothing wrong (other than the smashed TV, which was an angry reaction to an accusation)

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 21:57

So, what do I do now?

OP posts:
squeaver · 23/01/2011 22:03

I mean, from his perspective, you were still going on about it when he got an explanation for you (crappy though it was).

squeaver · 23/01/2011 22:04

What do you do? Try to have an adult conversation about it in the morning? You know him, do you think that'll be possible?

COCKadoodledooo · 23/01/2011 22:09

I'm with Jareth.

"But when you see a text like that, what are you supposed to think?"

Honestly? I'd think it was a joke. No way would I jump to the conclusion you did.

As for what happens now, what do you want to happen?

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 22:13

I don't like that text at all. This strikes me as way more than dickheaded bloke humour.

Your H response ought to have been ha ha, don't be so ridiculous, of course I didn't shag her, get over it and a lot of head shaking, a bit of don't be so bloody stupid, when would I have done it etc etc and left at that.

What I really don't like is the smashing up of stuff. This is a classic humongous RED FLAG, as identified in How to spot a Loser. This is dreadful behaviour for DC to see. OK so perhaps they were in bed, but they may have heard it, and will certainly notice the TV is in bits tomorrow, won't they. That will scare them.

What to do know?... apart from getting HIM to go and replace the Telly and anything else he broke?

I'm pretty sure with all the DC about nothing untoward DID happen, but now that relationship is on your radar now, HIS behaviour is on your radar and he will be watched. For what? a joke that is never ever going to be funny.

Sit him down and tell him that this behaviour is not acceptable, under any circumstances and if he needs to go back to anger management so be it, but that you have a right to call him out on inappropriate behaviour without him flipping.

pickgo · 23/01/2011 22:17

Find a reason to cancel the holiday - that's a definite. And do not arrange for your DH to spend the day with women.
Otherwise apologise in the am and tell him you would not be so bothered if you did not love him as much as you do. Perhaps you need him to offer you more security generally about his commitment to you?

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 23/01/2011 22:26

Pickgo, see I thought it would be no bother. Of course dh can spend the day with women friends - they're married, he's married, I spend the day with male friends and it's cool.

But I hate the fact that I clearly think it isn't cool. Perhaps that's why I went on about it - I'd been away and was out of the mix. Dh said the dcs had been the best behaved ever, he'd had the most relaxing time he'd had for four years Sad and then this text arrives. Ah feck. I don't know what to think really.

And the blardy telly is now smashed. Bugger.

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 23/01/2011 22:41

Don't cancel the holiday fgs.

Buy a new telly, have a chat, move on.

I broke a collander in a heated argument recently.. does that mean my DP should leave me?

WinkyWinkola · 23/01/2011 22:45

Tricky. I wonder how I'd feel if my dh received a text like that. Definitely suspicious. And I'd probably probe and investigate.

Him calling up the friend to explain was a big move. I mean, it could totally explain his genuine innocence - innocence of what apart from possibly fancying this XXXX - or his friend could totally know he's stuffed up because you've seen the text and thinks up some bollocks rationale. It does sound bollocks.

But smashing the telly erm, isn't on. Even if you've nagged him for hours about it. He should have just left the room instead of smashing up the box. Weird and ott that. Not to mention scary.

Let's say your dh does fancy XXXX and he and his mate were discussing her, what do you do then? I'm not convinced going on holiday together could be such a good plan.

I'm not certain it's something to divorce over though.