Oh dear

[MilkMonitor]

I've been away for five days with work.

I've come home and been so happy to be home. We all had supper together.

Then I was on the 'puter, checking emails whilst dh put the dcs to bed upstairs. A text arrived on dh's iPhone which was sitting on the desk by the keyboard. It popped up on his screen and said "How was it today? Hope you managed to not shag XXXXX" Yeah, I shouldn't have read it but it was there on the screen.

XXXX is a friend of mine who I'd arranged to spend the day with dh and the dcs today as her dh is also away and was at a bit of a loss as to what to do with her dcs.

I waited until dh came down and asked him what it meant. He said it was nothing. Just banter he and his friend had about XXXX and her dh.

I was really upset. I didn't believe him. I said it was a response that would be natural to dh saying he fancied XXXX and it would be a struggle not to shag her.

He then called up his friend who sent the text and asked the friend to explain to me the context. The friend said the context was that it was weird that XXXX's husband is away a lot and why was he away a lot - could he be up to mischief? I just said, "OK," to the friend as I didn't really want him involved.

I still don't really believe dh. He's gone mad, smashed the telly, kicked a few toys around saying he's done nothing wrong, he's a good man and has worked hard with dcs, I come home, he gets a dodgy text and now he gets a hard time.

He went out to get some fags - he's a struggling non smoker and has now gone to bed in the spare room.

How do things go wrong so very quickly? Should I have just taken his word instead of questioning it.

What's with the smashing things and toys? That is the oddest thing about your op. The text is just silly nonsense IMO.

Erm... you've been away for 5 days and were on the computer instead of putting your DC's to bed?

The dcs asked for dh to read them a story and put them to bed. I laid the breakfast table, packed their school and gym bags for tomorrow and generally made myself useful before it was time to kiss them good night. I then heard dh still reading so I thought I'd catch up on MN. A crime? Sorry about that.

Could you both not read to dc - anyway irelevant - smashed up a telly, and that is OK? Think not, apalling behaviour, how do you explain to dc that tv is broken

People are allowed to lose the plot occasionally you know, it doesn't mean they're abusive. Grrr

did you stop 'going on bout it' after he smashed the telly???

How would he feel if he saw a similar text on your phone?

Not excusing him, but he's trying to stop smoking, isn't he? It ain't easy. The only reason I'm not smashing things is I'd have to bloody clean up afterwards.

The text sounds like blokish banter to me - it could well be a joke about XXXX being unattractive.

As for the broken telly, it sounds to me like the OP badgered him about it for hours until he finally lost his temper. People respond in different ways when they've been picked at for ages, some people storm off, some people start screaming at the other person, some people feel the need to break something and some people hit the person that has been picking at them. There is a huge difference between hitting the wall (or in this case the TV) or hitting the person who's pissing you off.

Jareth, there is losing the plot and there's destroying something expensive for no apparent reason.

MM I'm sorry this has happened. I would not be comfortable staying in the same house as someone who felt able to smash a telly in anger - I don't think what you said to him could possibly be construed as deserving of a reaction like that.

most men cope with being nagged/badgered/asked about something (whatever you want to call it) without causing actual harm to furnishings.

Out of order and really, saying it was OP's fault - like, I doubt even her H would see it that way.

I've broken a phone before and it wasn't the fault of the person who had just texted me.

It was totally my own doing for my own reasons - people do this stuff because they're angry with themselves.

and breaking the kids' toys IS abusive,
it's really, really horrible.

I also lost the plot with mine once when they were smashing something I'd just fixed - I went and smashed it myself, and although in the context it felt almost justified and I was in a supreme rage, in the middle of moving house and not coping very well with their petty vandalism, it still scared them and I remember it with horror to this day - inexcusable.

Giving up smoking? Don't make me laugh. There is no excuse for this behaviour.

Badgered him for hours? Not at all.

From receipt of the text to him smashing the telly and storming out of the house to buy cigarettes I'd say it was about 50 minutes. And that includes his telephone call to his friend and my speaking to his friend.

He slept in the spare room. I don't even want to talk to him. He's trying to act like all is normal this am but has gone to work now.

He didn't target the kids' toys per se. He just hurled the remote and his 'phone across the room, kicked whatever toys were in his way (breaking them) and then punched the telly.

It sounds bad. My neighbour - bless him - called 30 minutes later to ask if I was ok. .

He says he's a good man, I'll never get a man as good as him and he has done absolutely nothing wrong. That he has worked very hard with the dcs and I come home and start accusing him of wrongdoing. It's not his fault he receives stupid texts. He said. He was crying before he got really angry.

I just don't know what to think or do.

MM

You've written about him at some length before now and he has not changed one little bit. Its sadly predictable.

Him going to anger management did you no good at all - all that did is further justify the abuse he metes out in his own mind. He never needed anger management, pah. He can control his anger (bet he does not throw things at work) but actively chooses instead to take it out on your and your children!!.

As for this comment:-
"He's a good father. He's quick to anger but has never hit me or the dcs. They're in bed. He doesn't drink hardly at all. Works very hard in his job".

Women often write similar to the above if they are living within an abusive type situation. No he is not a good father let alone a good husband to you!. You do not mention what you feel about him at all.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Think on that.
What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. This is another thorny question for you to answer.

He's clearly got problems - he might well be a 'good man' underneath all the problems.

But that doesn't take away all the problems, you're pretending they don't exist.

By living with him you are making those problems yours and your children's.

That's not a good thing to do.

He needs to go and be by himself till he hasn't got these problems any more and can truly show you what a good man he is without breaking down in tears or breaking the furniture and toys.

It sounds like he;s a big old baby and needs some help to behave like a grown up. Therapy, CBT, something - anything - but you can't stick your head in the sand because this will be affecting your kids and that's not fair - they're the important ones to consider, he can f*cking well look after himself.

Well, I would believe he is innocent, from what I read here. To be unjustly accused would make me angry as well. If I were guilty, I wouldn't have that anger, I'd have fear and guilt.
He lost his temper, but that is a differant thing, to be discussed another time.

If I were you, I would feel sorry and tell him so.
Friends do joke around saying stuff like that text. For some reason you are insecure and do not have faith in your dh it seems.