Help from people on Stately Homes Thread

[Idontbelieveanymore]

I cannot believe how alone I feel. I hate what my parents did to me, cannot come to terms the fact that brothers have not made any contact with me to find out why I wrote to tell my parents I did not want contact. How can they just accept it and not ask me if I am ok or to ask what happened? They have forgotten me and it hurts so bad because I did not deserve what happened. They never asked if I am ok. I live miles away from home with my husband and I am all alone. No one at all. If it were not for my children I would have killed myself by now. I have tried to be brave all over christmas, knowing no family would contact me. But now it has hit me. There will never be any thoughts of me again.

It's horrible, isn't it? My birth family are the same, they don't give a shit. Sorry I'm not much help, but you're not alone.

Have a hug (((((((((((())))))))))))), you deserve it.

I am so sorry.

Please be aware there are people on here who do understand how you feel.

I don't know your story. I don't even post on the SH thread, just lurk occasionally as I am not ready to let it all out yet.

< asks self, at the age of 45, when will you be >

Hang on. Hang on to yourself. Hang on to your husband and children. They are your family x

Hi

I have just gone none contact with my childhood family. They too do not care about me and never have.

It does hurt so much. I have no idea how to get over it but i'm hoping that time will heal it. Also counciling and antidepressants help.

Do you want to explain more about what happened?

Hugs

Thank you - I posted here because I know there are so many people in a similar position and only you will have an understanding of the rejection and worthlessness I feel right now. I have put on weight, eat excessively and then diet strictly and then feel worthless and binge again. Argh I hate myself. But in a while I will probably feel better for a few weeks and then I will be back here again.
Anyfucker - Oh I hope you find a way to let it out.
I am 28 and and I finally snapped and sent this letter to my parents to stop contact. The usual cliches, step dad abused me (mildly though if there is such a thing - he just liked to watch), my mother let him control me and said cruel things, emotional black mail etc etc

My brothers knew nothing but understood a little of my life - they got away early. My mum told them about the letter but not what was in it. Made me out to be a liar and ungrateful and I guess they believe her. They never asked me why I sent the letter, what was in it. They see each other fairly regularly and put pictures on fb. I don't exist to them now.

I will get over it, but my husband has little sympathy or rather empathy (he has no parents alive), I cannot tell friends as I feel humiliated about what I did. I love my children more than anything, but if I hadn't have had them I could have ended the pain by now. I wish I was stronger. Thank you to all of you. I wish you all the luck in the world to get passed what happened to you.

You are strong. You can stay strong.

I am sorry your DH is not more understanding. It can be hard for those who haven't lived through something like that though...forgive him for that if he is otherwise a good husband and father.

They expect you to be "over it" by now. Well, I am 45 and I am not over it. My DH is very good, and very patient, but he doesn't really get it (he has a close, loving and functional family...how could he ?)

Most of all, forgive yourself. That child you were didn't ask for, nor deserve, whatever happened to her.

Please look after your health.

Thank you for taking the time to care Anyfucker. No one can understand unless they have been through the similar scenarios.
I guess even though you are 45 when you have your bad times/ days you are right back there as a child> I always think why didn't I do this or that...but I was frozen for years. Still am as I have never confronted them. My mother doesn't even know what happened really but always made it clear that she wouldn't want to know.

How do all of you cope?? Do you days like I have had today - where for a split second I just think I could run away to a corner and just curl up and die. Who would miss me? My children stop me. What stops all of you??

I haven't been through anything like what you describe so please forgive me if I say anything insensitive.

Have you tried a technique called re parenting. Through visualisation you picture yourself as a child but this time you are an adult parenting the child you were.

You know how much you love your children. You can love the child you were, the child that didn't get the loving it deserved.

I have kind of heard of this technique barleywood but I think it was called something slightly different but sounds the same- do you know more about it? I want to try and get some councilling (will have to save up to pay) but I have never spoken face to face to someone about it all.

Geistesabwesenheit - thank you for you hug and your reply.
findingthepath - did you speak to a gp - how did you get the courage?

I think it appears in various guises: reclaiming your inner child etc.

NLP (neuro linguistic programming) can be very powerful. I have no qualifications but I know that the techniques can work. Perhaps the right counselor would help.

Imagine yourself watching the child that you were. What would you do if you as an adult saw a child experiencing what you did. Give that child all the love and attention that you didn't get.

Forgive me if I have said too much. I can hear the pain in your post and wanted to respond however inadequately.

barley...your post is compleely appropriate, thank you

OP...I guess I think of my children too

but I also think of myself and hat i am a valid human being, with a lot to offer

you are too

Good point AnyFucker: given how fucked up we all are (through no fault of our own) it's so easy to forget that we're valid human beings too.

Idontbelieve you're so far ahead - I'm 40 and I've only just realised how screwed up everything was.

Idontbelieveanymore-
I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible.

I can relate to your feelings of "who would miss me?" and have felt the same. My folks have passed on though, but I have cut most contact (still send birthday/Christmas tokens) with a sister who continued their view of me as an invisible person.

I do have contact with another sister, but we don't live nearby. See her about once a year. I have no other close friends save dh and 3dc.

What is the point? Droning on...I get that too. The children have saved me as well.

The pain, imho, comes from this fundamental instinct of connections. When we don't get that from our family of origin, who/when/where we are supposed to undoubtedly get it from, then it does seem like we are lost children in the wilderness. And they didn't teach us how either-so reinventing the wheel takes a loooooong time full of errors, humiliations, shame, etc.

Try to find a purpose. I don't exactly have one yet. I have a couple of hobbies, but they would seem superficial as a 'life purpose', iykwim (it sure as hell isn't housework)(not that there is anything wrong with that...). Maybe I just need to get over the superficial part. Alot seems superficial to me though, as though I am still not allowed to attend the class that explains everything.

I am just starting on John Bradshaw books that go into reclaiming the inner child.
Perhaps these could help you too?

Take care.

Thankyou everyone for your advice - barleywood - thank you for replying. I think what you have suggested is what a lot of councillors are attempting to help people.
I will go for finding some of the John Bradshaw books as toomanystuffedbears suggested.
Anyfucker - I have to just get on with it don't I? We all do. Sometimes those days creep in and that is where I have to remember what you said - I have something to offer too. 'They' wouldn't miss me, but my children would and they are my purpose now. Geistesabwesenheit - I hope that you find some way to cope too now you are just coming to terms with how wrong everything was.

I do feel a little better this morning as I feel 'steeled' against it again. I rise above it. I just have those days where I completely break down and then it seems I can cope again. So thank you for being there for this one! You are all lovely lovely people.

Glad you are feeling a little bit more "you" this morning .

Hi
Sorry i posted and ran last night i have a 2 yo to get to bed.

I have no idea where to start, but i'm glad your feeling better today.

When i was 7 i wanted to grow up and move away from my family and i told them so. I went to uni at 18 and i had to move back in with my mum and dad at 21 and 9 months after i moved back in i tried to kill myself as i just could see any way of getting out of it or for them to change.

Here is the unhealthy bit - i didn't kill my self at that time because i thout more of myself than they ever could and even if they thout i was shit I DIDN'T. It was like i was reborn! i thought that the old me died that night and the new me was born and all their shit they could keep as i had no use for it. I saved money but i meet my DH first and i moved in with him 90 miles away from them.

I still want/wanted them to be a normal family i still wanted them to care about me and its so hard not getting that. But then my DH became my father, my friend, my lover and he showed me how to love, he give me confidence in myself and more importantl;y he give me the support i so needed to become ME. He is so loving, kind and clam it was such a change and i love him so much for that.(It helps that i fancy the pants off him as well )

When i had my own child they came back in my life and i had forgotten how much pain they cause for me. It brought all the things that happened to the front of my mind and i was trying to cope with a newborn and i had PND. I just fell apart. I shouted at everyone, i held my DH agenst the wall by his neck and i wanted to hit him. That was my wake up call. I give him my son and i did a runner back to my mum and dad the only place i could go and i nearly throu myself under a train.

I told my HV and then the gp and then i got counciling and i went on antidepressants. I came back to my husband and we went to relate. I worked bloody hard for 6 months to repair the danage i had made. I was so messed up that i put our house on the market and was going to move back to my mum and dads area.

Thank god i came to my sences. I had my sisters telling me i was a crap mum from the word go. I was in hospical for 6 days after giving born and when i called my mum on day 5 the first thing she said was "Oh i thout you were not talking to me as i have called you for 5 days" i was a bit busy giving birth and looking after my son!

I had my sister calling me up at telling me i was mad. When i did take my son to see them they took him out in the pram and didn't come back for 4 hours and i was breastfeeding him, they didn't see anything wrong with this. My sister had a standing up shouting red in the face screaming fest at me in front of my terrify 12 month old baby.

I could go on and that was only a year and half ago. Thats not to mention the beatening i had of my brother as a child and my Dad watching him beat the shit out of me.

I havent talk to my brother for over 10 years. I'm not angry with him i just dont ever want to know or see him. My mum still thinks this is a phase i'm going throu .

After the shouting match and i told my sister to fuck off for doing that in front of my child she is no longer having contact with me. I'm so happ about that . My other sister and my dad just dont contact me and my mum only calls me up when she is having a bad day and wants a punching bag.

So i'm not in contact with them anymore.

Yes i'm here for my child but also myself. I believe people can change but only if they want to and i am not what they said i was and i have never been . I think they are wrong about me and thats why they were mean as i will always be better than them.

I will never do to my child what they did to me.

I chose what i am they can't tell me anything as they dont know me. They dont want to know me.

I think the most important thiong to me ios that i keep my son away from they shit. I dont want him to have anything to do with them.

I am hurt that i didn't get a good family or a good childhood but i wouldn't change it as my husband and son is so worth it and i'm happy now.

Thanks for explaining everything. I went to bed quite early too as I felt like I needed a break from all the worrying. You sound like you have a bullying family. You have certainly done the right thing in building a life with your husband. Well done for making it away from them. You are not ever going to be what they say you are as you have been through a lot (as so many of us have) and so we know what we do not want to become. But they will never see themselves as being in the wrong. That is what hurts. To never have that apology or agreement that they were wrong to treat the child like that. So pleased that have made it away and are happy now.

If they could see that what they did was wrong they would never have done it in the first place. So how can they say sorry when they do not have the capability to know that it was wrong?

For that reason i will never expect them to say sorry. I think if they did it would make what they did worse cos then they would have know what they were doing. If that makes sence.

I have to accept that they will never change and i cant make them.

I can change the past. I have forgiven myself for how i coped.

Iaccepte that it only matters how i see myself and how my husband and child see me and that i do the right thing for us as a family.

I get to give my child a good childhood and i value that.

For years i acted as i should without having the feelings tthat backed it up. I just didn't get normal stuff. Even now with my husbands mum and dad i feel left out and on the sidelines. I have huge issues with my PIL just because i dont get normal family life.

But i am learning what to do and i feel conforted in my own family and i'm building on that.

ftp..you are inspiring

She is :)

Thanks from me too, findingthepath...and I think you have found the path.

For me, the "finding something to offer" has been crucial. Sometimes, to my detriment. I try to ensure that I am kind to people and fight battles for the vulnerable (I can be rude and arsey too, but hopefully not when it matters). My sister is exactly the same. I can see that AnyFucker ( ) is quite similar - she knows that she has a lot of good practical and emotional advice to offer, and I presume that this helps to qualify the 'goodness' in her.
My career has been based on trying to help children, and I will be starting a big research project soon that will be focused on children who were in a similar situation to myself.
I say this process is sometimes to my detriment, as when I feel I haven't done the right thing, it will play on my mind for a long time and I will torment myself until I have found way of either changing things or blocking it out. Again, I know my sister has the same difficulties with guilt. The only thing really that helps is to try again, and do something good that outweighs the bad. (Voluntary work has really benefited me).

This is just one way to cope. For most of us, the same can be said about our parenting. My children will never be unloved. They won't have to grow up too quickly or make terrifying decisions until they are adults. I will use my experience of a difficult childhood and put it to practical use. I know exactly what not to do with my children.

I think it sounds like you need to regain your self-worth. You might want to spend some time looking at the different aspects of your life and examining the positives. What have you done with your years? What do you like to do with your time? Most people really underplay to themselves their achievements. As far as I am concerned, the fact that anyone has come out of such troubles as a loving parent and a good person means that they should be incredibly proud of their achievements and resilience.

Sorry for this ramble, it is just so clear to me that everyone who has posted on this thread has so much to be proud of. Our parents may not have loved us, but we are good people and that is amazing.

that post is very moving, AANC

Thank you AANC. I am reading a re-reading the posts to try and take out the essence of what everyone is saying about finding a purpose and being a valuable person.
I wish I could curl up into a ball again. Daytimes are ok, but I am alone in the evenings. Kids in bed, husband on computer. I will go for a bath and then sleep again. But last night I had dreams where my mum knew what my dad did and she didn't care and I was told it was nothing.Sometimes I dream that everyone calls me a liar and hates me and I am screaming and no-one is listening. I am such a practical person normally and am telling myself to get a grip!! Thanks for posting - it al makes good sense.