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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship crisis

68 replies

PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 12:29

I read something on here describing a partner getting ready to cheat and my DH met all the criteria.

He is distancing himself, expressing general unhappiness with me, spending time having "another life" away from family life etc.

He said a few weeks ago he wasn't sure if we would end up staying together, and I can't remember the last time he said he loved me.

:(
I don't think he is seeing anyone else, I think he has just fallen out of love with me. I'm not what he wants anymore.

He did love me in the past, he used to tell me all the time, say how fabulous I was, and how lucky he was.

I don't know what to do. We have young DC's and I want us to stay together and be happy.

I don't want us to stay together and be unhappy.

I hate feeling like I am not good enough for him every single day. Like he is judging me and finding me lacking. It is bloody depressing! I'm trying to be happy and wonderful for him so he will want me, but at the same time I'm so sad that I'm having to do this. It's tiring and I want to cry all the time.

I have become resentful. We can't get on now, one or the other of us is storming out of the house every evening practically. He's just stormed off with DCs in the car. We were meant to be going out, we had a row in the driveway (about the fucking car seat!) and he drove out without me!

I don't know why I am posting, I don't have a question really, I'm just so very sad.

Would Relate help? Is it too late? I feel like it is over. Everything is so bad. :(

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 23/01/2011 12:33

TBH when he comes back, tell him he has a week to decide whether he wants to stay with you or not. And that if he decides to stay, he can start treating you with kindness and respect. If he's not happy, he can piss off (use the week to inform yourself fully of where you stand WRT the house, contact, maintenance etc).
Whatever you do, don't react to his threats to leave and his whining by turning yourself inside out trying to placate him. Or you will get the same scene played out time and time again; whenever you're late with his tea or object to him going out on the piss for the fourth night in a week he will start sighing and saying he doesn't know if he loves you or not.
Because some men feel that the threat of making a woman SINGLE is the most powerful in the world and a woman will eat mountains of shit not to be put in that position. THis is nonsense, don't let him be the one to take control of the relationship like this.

Original poster
PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 12:45

I'm not scared of being single, for myself.

I'm scared of ruining my children's chances of having a proper dad who they see every day because I'm not good enough. Not a good enough wife, not a good enough person? I don't know.

I'm crying now.

I told him to go when he said he didn't know what he wanted but he said he wanted to stay and see what happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 12:55

Something else on here struck a miserable chord with me too. When someone had a partner who said their wife should take responsibility for and apologise for "just the way she was".

I asked what we should change to try to make the relationship better, and DH said "What would we have to change about you? Where to start?!" like it was funny.

But you don't say something like that as a joke if it isn't in your head already, do you know what I mean?

What a mess.

OP posts:
tattiemum · 23/01/2011 14:14

What an awful thing for him to have said to you - sounds more like he doesn't deserve you. Perhaps you should tell him he's made you think about things, and you're now unsure about whether he's good enough for you, and you'd like him to leave while you decide. A spell sleeping on someone's couch and having no-one to listen to him or care about him might remind him exactly what he's going to lose with his selfishness.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 14:57

What sgb said, word for word

I wouldn't stay wih a man like this for he children's sake, tbh

I would be dreadfully worried about the example that was being set to them about how relationships work, and hat they would grow up o accept being shi upon < speaks from experience >

arguing on the driveway in front of the kids (and the neighbours) and then zooming off without you ?

not acceptable

and if you don't force this to a head, you are colluding with it, and that isn't acceptable either (IMO)

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 14:58

sorry, lots of missing t letters there

I think you should get the gist though

AbsentFather · 23/01/2011 15:03

He is being an arse. Send to this forum to be re-educated. I am learning lots about how to be a better husband by reading this forum and he would benefit too.

perfumedlife · 23/01/2011 15:09

pancakes he doesn't deserve you! What a shameful thing to say to your wife Shock

I agree totally with SGB and AF. Take control of this, and tell him to go if this is how he feels, a taste of real world will do him good. And you can decide if you want this for life.

Have you done any snooping?

lastresort · 23/01/2011 15:09

He thinks YOU need to change. Ha bloody Ha.
I like the advice of telling him you don't know if you love him anymore. See how he likes it.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 23/01/2011 15:22

I agree with SGB and AF. Do not stay with him purely for the sake of the kids. He can still be a good dad even if he's not living with them full time.

Original poster
PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 15:43

I am worried about what the children think. I don't just want to let things carry on. They have two parents who don't seem to like each other and can't be civil.
It isn't right.

I asked him if he had met someone else and he said no.

I haven't snooped.

OP posts:
AbsentFather · 23/01/2011 15:47

Get yourself to counselling with him when he is off in the wee and get the issues in the open.

Let him know what is happening with you and see if you can save the marriage. Most men do not do empathy. We need it written down and even then it takes a while to sink in.

Rorogeorge · 23/01/2011 15:49

I feel just the same pancakes. two crap weekends and the kids are getting used to him swearing, flying off the handle, shouting and threatening to leave etc.
He bruised mt breast last week and doesn't seem to care
( he threw something at me) he blames me for winding him up.
Where do I start???

AbsentFather · 23/01/2011 15:50

Roro you need somewhere to go and quickly. If he cannot even see that he is responsible for his own anger then get out quick.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 16:13

Roro...if he has been violent towards you then he has crossed a line and you need to seek RL help, quickly.

Ring Women's Aid and listen to their advice here

Tell a friend and/or a family memeber and take steps to leave your relationship. The violence will escalate once he thinks there are no consequences for it.

I am so sorry.

Original poster
PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 16:16

I am worried about what the children think. I don't just want to let things carry on. They have two parents who don't seem to like each other and can't be civil.
It isn't right.

I asked him if he had met someone else and he said no.

I haven't snooped.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 16:17

Roro, is that the first time he physically hurt you?

Original poster
PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 16:17

I am not sure how I did that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PancakesOnSaturdays · 23/01/2011 16:22

I'm sorry to hear you are having a bad time too Roro. He should be mortified that he hurt you. If he doesn't care that's just wrong.

OP posts:
walkinZombie · 23/01/2011 16:28

Stuffing gold bra's speaks sense

Rorogeorge · 23/01/2011 17:06

He says he didn't mean to hit me with the object he threw, he says he has a bad temper and I shouldn't wind him up. I am only asking him to o reasonable things eg the housework, put a few shelves up etc.
He tells me he won't go to counselling and I need to stop patronising him when I try and talk about it later.

I am wondering if he is having some kind of crisis, or he wants out. I know he sometimes feels trapped but I believe I am a reasonable person!!

I know if I keep out of his way he'll be fine but I don't want my family life like that.

Little miss- He breaks things when he loses his temper but normally in the past controlled it better that he has lately. it reminds me of a toddler not getting his own way and I don't think he realises how intimidating he can be.

After a few hours he pretends everything is fine and just acts normal, cheerful even, but not lovey dovey, and never apologises.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 17:11

Roro, this is escalating, you know it don't you.

His lack of concern, remorse is extremely concerning.

Get RL advice, Women's Aid can help advise. Please check out the link at the top of this thread called the domestic violence guide.

Rorogeorge · 23/01/2011 17:11

Any Fucker- to quote you:
"The violence will escalate once he thinks there are no consequences for it."

How do I show him there are consequences then?? I know that sounds silly but I want to try and work through it for the sake of my marriage and my children.

I like the idea someone wrote of giving the spouse a week to think about what they want, I suggested that to him, he is only conserned with blaming me, he said " you know where the door is' How did I end up like this?

I am so grateful for you all for reading and replying to my post, I dont usualy come on these things but it has made me feel much better to write it down and know I am not alone

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 17:11

Roro...please have a look at the cycle of abuse

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 17:15

Pancakes, you sound awfully sad, and this is eroding you day by day.

Speak to him, tell him how you are feeling and try and find a way to get communication re-started and maintained.

Could you have a break from each other, take the DC somewhere for a weekend? give yourselves some breathing room/thinking space?

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