Relationship crisis

[PancakesOnSaturdays]

I read something on here describing a partner getting ready to cheat and my DH met all the criteria.

He is distancing himself, expressing general unhappiness with me, spending time having "another life" away from family life etc.

He said a few weeks ago he wasn't sure if we would end up staying together, and I can't remember the last time he said he loved me.

:(
I don't think he is seeing anyone else, I think he has just fallen out of love with me. I'm not what he wants anymore.

He did love me in the past, he used to tell me all the time, say how fabulous I was, and how lucky he was.

I don't know what to do. We have young DC's and I want us to stay together and be happy.

I don't want us to stay together and be unhappy.

I hate feeling like I am not good enough for him every single day. Like he is judging me and finding me lacking. It is bloody depressing! I'm trying to be happy and wonderful for him so he will want me, but at the same time I'm so sad that I'm having to do this. It's tiring and I want to cry all the time.

I have become resentful. We can't get on now, one or the other of us is storming out of the house every evening practically. He's just stormed off with DCs in the car. We were meant to be going out, we had a row in the driveway (about the fucking car seat!) and he drove out without me!

I don't know why I am posting, I don't have a question really, I'm just so very sad.

Would Relate help? Is it too late? I feel like it is over. Everything is so bad. :(

Erm Roro, I think you too can remind HIM where the door is!

Consequences ?

Roro...I fear you won't want to hear my advice to you because you have already decided you will stay with your partner no matter what he does to you.

So I don't have anything to say that you will find consructive, other than to seek RL advice from Women's Aid.

I could never live with myself if I advised any woman on how she should be working on a relationship where she is being abused. Sorry.

You are not alone, Roro.

There are lots of women all over the UK who are living in, or recovering from, the consequences of living wih a violent, disrespectful bully.

My unequivocal advice to you is to leave the relationship. If not for you, for your children, but mostly for you.

Thank you Any Fucker, I have read it, and it does ring true. The lack of remorse is what hurts.

I am wondering if it is possible to just continue and completely ignore him! It is this resentment which is making me confront him, so maybe I should leave him alone and do things I want to do. it would be a massive upheaval to split up and I don't know where I'd start.

I used to be so confident and independent but that seems like another lifetime.

sorry your messages were delayed. You are right, it is abusive and I should leave. I will get some advice tomorrow as to what I need to do.

Are you close to your parents ? are they aware of what is happening, Ro ? Can you speak to a friend you trust and get someone on your side ?

it is incredibly difficult to find the courage to leave when your self-respect has been eroded by a man who repeatedly tells you are that are stupid, by his actions and his words.

it can be done though, lots of women who felt just as lost and directionless as you do now, have done it and lived to tell the tale

how about you post your own thread in relationships for advice on practicalities ?

you will get lots of support

take that first step...the biggest hurdles can be mounted by setting the balls in motion

is he there right now ?

pick up the phone and call WA, the number is on that link

pancakes sorry to hijack

I have only confided in one close friend.
Only my Mum is still alive and she isn't local.
His mum told me when we first got together he could be horrible and I could go to her, but I don't want to cause her pain and she is very busy with a high powered job. however I may turn to her.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and keep thinking I might be over reacting as he really just acts like a normal person and father mostly, but I never get any affection from him except at night, he will cuddle me then sometimes.

It is a massive deal to leave and I have to be sure it is right to go. I will post re. practicalities though, thank you. and Pancakes, sorry to hijack as well.

you have no reason to feel embarassed and ashamed

he does, though

interesting that his own mother warned you about him...

Should have seen the signs and scarpered!!

It's never too late

pancakes, if you're still here, I wanted to tell you how much your OP struck a chord with me. It's almost exactly what I went through. I put up with it for months, and eventually there was an OW on the scene. I remember the agonising feeling of never being good enough, for the most trivial of reasons.

What SGB and AF said is totally right, you can transform yourself into a Stepford wife if you like, but it won't make a blind bit of difference to the outcome. I think with XH it actually made him lose respect for me. People want what they can't have, and I made it far too easy for XH, while thinking I was doing the best thing to save my family.

The only thing you can do is bring it to a head asap and if he does want to save your marriage, get him to commit (through counselling) to working with you, not against you. Whatever the outcome, you will be fine. It has to be better than living like this.

great post, snow

Hello Pancakes,
I thought I'd left a message here yesterday but must have pressed the wrong button. Your OP totally struck a chord with me as well. My DH has withdrawn from me in the last year - no affection, smiles, kindness or compassion even - and he says I am the problem. He slags off my friends, my family and anything that serves as a support or source of joy or sanity for me. I really don't know what he wants but it seems as if a Stepford Wife would do it.

Whenever I have tried to have a grown-up conversation about what we can do to make things better between us, he has cited me as the problem - once saying that I would have to undergo a 'total change in attitude' if we were to mend our relationship. It is as if he is addressing an under-performing employee on a final warning.

He is verbally abusive - he starts ranting at me and won't stop. He uses bullying tactics but will not admit to being a bully. Yesterday he refused to stop ranting at me in front of the children. He even starts questioning my commitment to the DCs, when he's run out of other horrible things to say. 'I'm not a bully - I'm just giving you facts!'. Right. I have told him I do not feel safe, emotionally safe, in his presence. While I find this a shocking thing, he seems unmoved and unbothered. He also seems unmoved and unbothered by my despair - it's as if that's what I deserve for being such an awful person for him to have to live with.

Again, he has threatened to leave before and I have always tried to mollify him at that point. I think that was a mistake and I realise just how much I have been manipulated.

We are going to Relate. So far, on the basis of two sessions, he has spent the time self-justifying why he's right to be so angry and cruel to me.

Writing this down makes me feel 'this can't be me' saying all this. But it is.

You sound like a lovely person. And I agree - I'm not afraid of being single, I'm afraid of the children not having a happy family life and seeing their dad every day. Trouble is, I feel that my forebearance and determination is being used against me.

I don't know why this is happening. I feel like a rat in a maze sometimes, and very tearful. If I was looking in from the outside on this relationship I would be thinking 'How Dare He? How bloody dare he?'

yours in sisterhood,
Poppy x

Hello Pancakes,
I thought I'd left a message here yesterday but must have pressed the wrong button. Your OP totally struck a chord with me as well. My DH has withdrawn from me in the last year - no affection, smiles, kindness or compassion even - and he says I am the problem. He slags off my friends, my family and anything that serves as a support or source of joy or sanity for me. I really don't know what he wants but it seems as if a Stepford Wife would do it.

Whenever I have tried to have a grown-up conversation about what we can do to make things better between us, he has cited me as the problem - once saying that I would have to undergo a 'total change in attitude' if we were to mend our relationship. It is as if he is addressing an under-performing employee on a final warning.

He is verbally abusive - he starts ranting at me and won't stop. He uses bullying tactics but will not admit to being a bully. Yesterday he refused to stop ranting at me in front of the children. He even starts questioning my commitment to the DCs, when he's run out of other horrible things to say. 'I'm not a bully - I'm just giving you facts!'. Right. I have told him I do not feel safe, emotionally safe, in his presence. While I find this a shocking thing, he seems unmoved and unbothered. He also seems unmoved and unbothered by my despair - it's as if that's what I deserve for being such an awful person for him to have to live with.

Again, he has threatened to leave before and I have always tried to mollify him at that point. I think that was a mistake and I realise just how much I have been manipulated.

We are going to Relate. So far, on the basis of two sessions, he has spent the time self-justifying why he's right to be so angry and cruel to me.

Writing this down makes me feel 'this can't be me' saying all this. But it is.

You sound like a lovely person. And I agree - I'm not afraid of being single, I'm afraid of the children not having a happy family life and seeing their dad every day. Trouble is, I feel that my forebearance and determination is being used against me.

I don't know why this is happening. I feel like a rat in a maze sometimes, and very tearful. If I was looking in from the outside on this relationship I would be thinking 'How Dare He?'.

Whoops - I overcompensated on yesterday by pressing the Post button twice.

I think in both of your cases poppyfield and pancakes it is very likely that your Hs are having affairs, either singular or plural acts of infidelity.

In a sense, it matters not, because the behaviour you are experiencing, is putting your marriages in peril. This is always the risk an unfaithful and/or abusive spouse takes, but as long as you are trying to mollify and jump through hoops trying to rescue your relationships single-handedly, not only are your aims impossible and fruitless, but you are in fact colluding with negating the risk that your partners ought to be facing.

Learning that it is infidelity that is causing these problems can be hugely liberating, because at that point you can stop blaming yourselves for being treated as a sub-human, or believing that your flaws are so enormous that you have become unloveable to this one person.

Hence, I would urge you both to turn detective and try to find out. However, this is secondary to the permission you need to give yourselves that you are trying to swim against the tide and nothing will change until you assert yourselves and your absolute right to leave these relationships.

If you do this, your own esteem will return and if you leave before a discovery is made, do not be surprised in the least when an OW appears from the shadows.

Stop making bargains that you are putting up with this for the sake of the children. You are doing your children no favours by allowing them to see their mother destroyed by an abusive (and no doubt unfaithful) man.

what wwifn said

with knobs on

trying to "save" your relationship by changing who you are to please a man is never, ever going to work

all it will do in the end is destroy your self respect

these men are seting challenges and ideals for you that you will never attain (because it is impossible)

every time you might do, the goalposts are moved

they do this to mollify their own guilt at their mental cruelty and/or unfaithfulness because if they can convince themselves it's all you and that they have "tried" but you are not up to the job, their conscience is clear

please

decide for yourselves today that you have given enough of yourself to rescuing the relationship and that you will give no more

your children do not need to learn the lesson that daddies are in charge, mummies make all the effort and that it doesn't matter when daddy upsets mummy

it fucking does matter

in all honesty you are just staying in this relationship because you are scared of being alone, aren't you? i mean it has no redeeming features. it doesn't make you feel good about yourself (in fact the opposite).

i wouldn't give him deadlines and ultimatums - just tell him it's over. you are worth more than this. you only get one life and you deserve someone who would fight to stay with you not undermine you. being single would be far far better than this. it will give you a chance to get your self esteem back and the space for someone decent to come into your life.

Poppy Yes yes yes to feeling like an under-performing employee. Yes yes yes to DH slagging off friends too! It sounds very familiar. Do you have anyone to talk to in real life?

I'm sorry I can't write more today, we have guests. I will be back.

Poppy and Pancake

Been here sadly. Agree that you shouldnt change to please them. Agree that they may be interested in someone new but may not yet have crossed the physical boundary (but may - my H had) ie could still be an Emotional Affair rather than Physical Affair.

I agree to be assertive and stand up for yourself - I wasnt assertive enough and regret that. It actually majes them respect you more. It also makes sometimes worried about whether they are doing the right thing.

Save your upset to when they arent there. Do not cry and plead (hard I know)

Yes be detective. Think of women that have always liked your H and perhaps havent been the friendliest to you! But of course they may be someone you dont know.

Your husband will deny if asked (mine did)

Hope you can get some information or hard evidence - when I found some my H crumbled and literally started shaking in front of my eyes!

Sorry you are in this position - its horrible but will get better long term

Poppy, the woman at womens aid told me on the phone today relate and counselling wouldn't work in an abusive situation because the problem is not the relationship, its him, and he won't change.

Find out how yo could leave. I found out a lot today. was about to tell him and he suddenly came out with a whole load of pent up stuff, thinks he is depressed, he might be, and actually admitted none of it is my fault.
I am going to see if this decision to actually communicate is a turning point for us as I was all set to start the wheels in motion with leaving.

Roro...beware the sudden, complete turn around

he may have just twigged that he pushed you too far

Cue a couple of days/weeks niceness and then the old him comes roaring back

I am not saying anyone doesn't deserve a second chance but just..be aware

did you hide your internet history ?

I think he has twigged he pushed me too far, but hopefully it has made him realise he has been getting out of control. I am very wary of him still and more so now he seems to be doing the everything is fine act because he has admitted he was wrong and has a problem. he won't go to the doctor though, which I suggested.
I told him he must talk if he feels depressed, not clam up and wait for self destruct mode to kick in. he has been dealing with a very emotional situation for the past few months in a stupid way- ie not dealing with it by discussing, but letting it all bottle up. He also said he has no energy ( a symptom of depression) which I have noticed and is the reason he is just hanging around making me ask him to do things, thus initiating a disagreement.
I am not justifying what he has done, I said depression explains but doesn't justify and he agreed with me, so I guess we have got so far, but I still don't trust him not to repeat his actions so am on guard and poised, if need be, to go.
AF he hasn't looked at my internet history no. He came home from work having obviously thought about his actions and initiated a conversation about it, something he rarely does.

I meant to put a ? after ( tiredness- a symptom of depression?) Is it?? I don't know!

He also said when he was a teenager he used to self harm by smashing walls because his mum told him to stop feeling sorry for himself when he talked about her leaving his real dad. She also denied him contact ( the real dad) and he then died without DH getting back in touch. It is all very tragic and we have only recently heard his mum told a lot of lies to my DH about his real dad to stop him looking for him.( This was pre facebook days) This has been something he has been trying to deal with. Like I said though, I know it doesn't justify violence, put it gives you more of a context.