I'm so bloody annoyed with DH - why can't he do it?

[designerbaby]

(Sorry - just posted this in parenting, then realised it's actually more about relationships...)

Just have to rant - I'm currently 'back at work' 10 months after having our DD2. As she's still settling in at nursery, I'm doing my 3 days work in the evenings and at weekends. The deal is that DH will therefore help by making some of the meals and looking after DD1 and DD2 on Saturdays so I can work.

It's 1pm, and I've not yet managed to do any work today. DH calls me this morning to help because DD2 won't eat her breakfast. He calls me to come and watch them while he has a shower. He fannies around making calls about car insurance while leaving DD2 to scream unattended in her playpen. Come 11am I come down to find that both children are still in their pyjamas and DD2 has a filthy nappy. All the debris from breakfast is everywhere and DH is on his laptop.

I remind him that lunch needs to be at 12 at the latest otherwise DD2 will be too tired. I get lunch out for both of them and tell DH what they'll be having. At 12.30 I go downstairs because I hear sreaming only to find that lunch isn't ready for either of them and DD2 is crying with tiredness. She's now too tired to eat, and even when I tried she's refusing anything.

Because I've been working in the evenings, no ironing has been done, no housework. If DH makes the dinner he leaves the washing up for me which I end up seeing to at about 11.30pm - I was doing this the night before last while DH slept on the sofa in front of the TV.

It's not that he's generally lazy - he has quite a high pressure job and often used to work in the evenings on his laptop - since I've been a housewife for the best part of a year he's kind of gotten used to not having to do anythign around the house, I guess.

But I'm SO that he couldn;t prioritise the DDs this morning, allow me to work and make sure they had what they needed when they needed it. It's not f-ing rocket science, is it - particularly when I've told him what needs to happen and when.

Just .

I would have imagined that given he has ONE lousy day a week with them, that he might have thought of something nice to do with them - take them somewhere - then I wouldn't have minded if the house was a tip if the DDs were at least having fun. BUt no. They're sitting in front of CBeebies in their pyjamas at 11am, while he does heaven knows what on his laptop.

Am I expecting too much??? Really?????

... and breathe...

I really need to work now, but had to let that out first...

db
xx

sounds like it's becaue of you doing everything for a year - he expects that to continue. don't know how you don't chop his head off tbh but i guess you love him!

YANBU (not that we're on that forum at the mo)

switch your phone off and let dh get on with it. he will learn.

Agree with mousy - can you go to the library or a cafe and get your work done and leave him to it. If you are not around to see/hear it he will do things his way but it won't wind you up.

Leave him to it. He'll soon learn that you're not going to come running every time he needs you.

sounds like my dh.

When i say anything he just argues with me.

I drives me fucking nuts.

thing is, if you do switch off your phone, you will still go home to dishes in the sink, stuff not done and will have to do it all.

Would he be opposed to a chart or a list on the fridge?

You both seem to be still in "you are a full time SAHM mode". When you have calmed down you should have a talk re. domestic duties. Divide the duties clearly, then you and he will know what is expected and what is unacceptable (calling you at work for anything that isn't a medical emergency).

YANBU, but te situation you are in is a very common one.

Can you go out to a coffee shop and work?

That way you won't be around to constantly help and he will have to hear the screaming because he didn't get lunch ready in time.

I'm just so upset for the DDs - he barely sees them in the week, and just feel so and that he couldn;t prioritise them over other crap today, and was happy to let DD2 sit screaming in her own poo and DD2 zombie in front of CBeebies for hours while he did heaven knows what... Unfortunately I need to work here - my computer is here, books and refernec and stuff, so I have to listen to it all...

Find it hard to sit up here and ignore the crying...

Fairly sure he'd be offended if I made a list/chart of what needs to happen and when, but I might do it anyway.

What also pisses me off is that I bet he thinks I do bugger all during the week - he hasn't really noticed that there are no clean clothes, the bathrooms haven't been cleaned and the house is a tip... I'm just trying to ignore it because I don't have enough hours in the day to sort it all out.

db
xx

maybe go away for a long w/e leaving him with the dc's. though he would probably draft in relatives etc to help . but if he doesn't, he'll learn pretty sharpish without having a list pinned to the fridge. if you can stand to leave your dc with him mind...

Leave him to it. When it comes to the children let him do it his way even if it isn't to your standards. You can't make him look after your children exactly as you would.

Re the housework, make a rota.

Show him this thread - tell him how you feel - why did you step in, get kunch out without speaking to him properly about his lack of effort? He is acting like a child and you are enabling him.

That sounds harsh but I can't see the point in saying it any other way. I know your pain though

If you are feeling that angry, don't just sit and stew, go downstairs, tell him to get his act together and start tending to the needs of his family. To get the kids ready and take them out for some fun.

Then go back to your work, lock the door and refuse to get sucked into the argument he will want to have.

It's all very well to say "leave him to it", but in this situation that appears to mean leaving her children to be neglected.

Leaving children crying in their own shit and using the tv to distract them so you can ignore them is bad parenting.

I would go through him for a shortcut.

Tell him that he is being a shit husband and father and that if he doesn't buck up his ideas pretty rapidly he'll be fired from one position and doing the other on a part time basis.

Also tell him that you won't be his skivvy any longer so he can stop acting like a teenager and do his fair share without any lies about an inability to see what needs to be done.

I really do not understand why women use their maternity leave to work as housekeepers. "9 months where I can let my DH get used to living in the 1950s"

Exactly what spidookly said!

You definitely need to tell him his behaviour is totally unacceptable - fucking about on his laptop while his DD is sitting in her own poo and both children are crying for their lunch. WTF does he think he's doing?

Actually, I know what he thinks he's doing. He thinks 'I need to put this woman in her place - looking after the DC is her job so I'm just not going to do it because she will step in.' You will have to tell him that he either does his share or he's out and stick to it. Otherwise you will have years of skivvying for him and resenting him more and more, and it won't do your DC any good either.

However, if you really don't want to get too heavy just yet, there is one lighter-touch method you could try, which is pointing out to him that men who do their fair share of domestic work and childcare generally have more and better sex than those who don't, because women do not feel like having sex with someone who is treating them like a servant and taking the piss.

Right... I think I'll try and have a reasonable talk with him tonight once the DDs are in bed - about the fact that if I'm working 3 days, then that means that I don;t necessarily expect the housework to be 50/50 but I do need it to be split 70/30 or split somehow... And at the moment, while I'm trying to fit in 3 days work a week in the evenings and at weekends, whilst to-ing and fro-ing with DD2 while we try and get her settled in nursery, (which pretty much wipes out my days) he has to pick up the slack because I, for one, can't stand living in a pigsty.

And I think I will make a schedule for him to follow on Saturdays - maybe if I outline what happens when and say something like "9.30 - 11.30 is your time for fun with the kids before lunch" and "1pm - 2.30pm DD2 sleeps and DD1 can have some down-time in front of the TV - if you need to email, so it now" would help outline the expectations? But bloody hell he's a grown man - why is this necessary?

And funny you should mention in SGB - he's always on at me about our non-existant sex-life... Trying to explain to him that it's really pretty near the bottom of my 'to do' list when I'm falling in to bed at 1am, with a nightful of baby-wakings ahead and a 6am start and a whole day running round like a lunatic. Now I'm not saying it's the ONLY reason my libido has flatlined, but it's certainly a massive part of it...

I'm glad I'm not perceived to be being unreasonable - even though I didn't post this in that topic!

db
xx

so sex is a bargaining tool now for duties that are an equal
responsibility?

Jeez. That translates as 'I will only let you fuck me if you change nappies' only said with apparent menace and meaning.

god all fecking mighty

Solid's new life mantra:

"men who do their fair share of domestic work and childcare generally have more and better sex than those who don't"

Your fella knows exactly how to get a shag out of you solid.

But if your DD is in nursery, why can't you work when she is in nursery? - why does it have to be evenings and weekends? Surely that negates the point of nursery care! I'm not sure what you mean by 'settling in' at nursery though - do you not just drop her off there and leave her for a session (morning/afternoon/full day)?

Although I do agree with a lot of what is said here...could I just throw in the idea that he might not actually know what needs to be done as he hasn't had much experience up to now?

I confess, he does seem to be playing this card quite heavily (must know a nappy needs changing??) but I also think, before getting angry, that you need to check that you both agree on what 'looking after DD' actually entails.

"you need to check that you both agree on what 'looking after DD' actually entails."

Yes, because it is possible that he's from a part of the world where babies are left to sit crying in their own shit to toughen them up.

Spidookly - good sense.

Have a chat with your DH - get him to wise up to his responsibilities to his DDs. Ridiculous to allow them to suffer while he f's about on his laptop! I'd be livid too.

Just throwing it out there as a possibility, that's all Spidookly. We are, after all, getting one side of the version of events here.

Just what if op is exaggerating some of the incidents that took place, for instance.

I am not saying she is and,in the balance of things, I doubt she is...

I am just saying it is a possibilty worth considering that he doesn't fully quite know what he is expected to do in child /home care

UnlikelyAmazon - it's not a bargaining tool, BUT, if one's wife is run ragged doing ALL the domestic chores, childcare AND is working outside the home the equivalent of 3 full days a week (allbeit FROM home at the moment), and as a result is getting to bed only at 1am to grab 6 or so hours of very broken sleep, and he's doing bugger-all to help then there might well be something in Solid's new mantra, no?

Migrating Coconuts - quite possibly he doesn't, which is why I told him the stuff I thought he might not know. He chose to ignore that and also not to do stuff I would have thought was bleedin' obvious, like, change a nappy if there's poo in it - interact with your children rather than plonking them in front of the tv and maybe get them dressed before lunchtime...

SleepingLion - she's not settling in very well - and is only managing to stay for an hour at a time, maybe two, and I have to be on hand in case she gets so distressed she makes herself sick. They've said, and rightly so IMO, that it's not a great idea to let her get massively upset, so I get a call to come back, calm her down and then either take her home or try again. "little and often until she's happier" is their approach, which I'm fine with. Thing is, it's a half hour walk to nursery, therefore I take her and hang around town - buy groceries, whatever, so as to be close by, then walk her home again. It's fine, but means she's not there for every long, and I can't work while she is. It's a pain, but we'll get there. She managed three hours on Friday - unfortunately I didn't know that she would - otherwise I'd have taken the opportunity to go home and get on with stuff. But maybe we've turned the corner... BUt anyway, that's another thread.

EVEN IF I was working three proper full days in the office (and my job being what it is, there will undoubtedly always to be stuff to do from home in the evenings) it wouldn;t be too much to ask that he do his fair share, and just possibly, look after them the occassional Saturday so I could I don't know, have my hair cut? Go to an exhibition with friends? Or somesuch long-forgotten passtime?

Just peeved. Have left downstairs looking like a bomb site. Made a hairdressers appointment for DD1 so DH had to take them out, he's come back and is a bit [shocked] that everything's where he left it.

I've told him that supper for the DDs needs to be at 5, what they can have and left it at that. Let's hope he learnt from lunchtime...

db
xx