I'm so bloody annoyed with DH - why can't he do it?

[designerbaby]

(Sorry - just posted this in parenting, then realised it's actually more about relationships...)

Just have to rant - I'm currently 'back at work' 10 months after having our DD2. As she's still settling in at nursery, I'm doing my 3 days work in the evenings and at weekends. The deal is that DH will therefore help by making some of the meals and looking after DD1 and DD2 on Saturdays so I can work.

It's 1pm, and I've not yet managed to do any work today. DH calls me this morning to help because DD2 won't eat her breakfast. He calls me to come and watch them while he has a shower. He fannies around making calls about car insurance while leaving DD2 to scream unattended in her playpen. Come 11am I come down to find that both children are still in their pyjamas and DD2 has a filthy nappy. All the debris from breakfast is everywhere and DH is on his laptop.

I remind him that lunch needs to be at 12 at the latest otherwise DD2 will be too tired. I get lunch out for both of them and tell DH what they'll be having. At 12.30 I go downstairs because I hear sreaming only to find that lunch isn't ready for either of them and DD2 is crying with tiredness. She's now too tired to eat, and even when I tried she's refusing anything.

Because I've been working in the evenings, no ironing has been done, no housework. If DH makes the dinner he leaves the washing up for me which I end up seeing to at about 11.30pm - I was doing this the night before last while DH slept on the sofa in front of the TV.

It's not that he's generally lazy - he has quite a high pressure job and often used to work in the evenings on his laptop - since I've been a housewife for the best part of a year he's kind of gotten used to not having to do anythign around the house, I guess.

But I'm SO that he couldn;t prioritise the DDs this morning, allow me to work and make sure they had what they needed when they needed it. It's not f-ing rocket science, is it - particularly when I've told him what needs to happen and when.

Just .

I would have imagined that given he has ONE lousy day a week with them, that he might have thought of something nice to do with them - take them somewhere - then I wouldn't have minded if the house was a tip if the DDs were at least having fun. BUt no. They're sitting in front of CBeebies in their pyjamas at 11am, while he does heaven knows what on his laptop.

Am I expecting too much??? Really?????

... and breathe...

I really need to work now, but had to let that out first...

db
xx

"Made a hairdressers appointment for DD1 so DH had to take them out, he's come back and is a bit [shocked] that everything's where he left it."

Maybe, but if it was the other way round, and it was a mother leaving her children screaming unattended all morning while she messed around on the computer and not bothering to feed them or change their nappies - would we be making excuses that maybe she just 'doesn't fully know what she is expected to do'?

He's been their parent for as long as the OP has, he has no more excuse than she does for not knowing what to do.

It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to do it, resents having to give up his leisure time on a Saturday to look after his own children - he's got used to having a wife take care of all that stuff for him, which was a very comfortable situation for him, and he's unhappy that it's changed. So he's using passive-aggressive tactics to try to force the OP to resume her role as mummy-wife-servant, and he doesn't mind seeing his children neglected for a while if it means he gets his own way in the end.

That's how it looks to me anyway.

"he's come back and is a bit [shocked] that everything's where he left it."

In this part of the world he's from, do people often rush home from work in the middle of the day to tidy the house?

It must be such a lovely treat for you when he does that.

You are most likely right Ephiny.

This started in our house, and DH is at heart really quite helpful. He just slightly lost the knack of doing enough or knowing where things were.

I said I was no longer doing any housework as I had burnt out, so it was other people to pick things up and tidy up if they didn't want to live in a shit hole. I then completely left the mess and allowed things to slide quite dramatically.

DH started to do a lot more and things are a lot better now. I think you really have to let go of the house big time in order to reboot husbands.

PS OP should work in a public library or something, anything rather than stay in the house for the time being. Then he'll have to apply his intelligence to the situation and get on with it.

PMSL @ the assumption that SGB has a 'fella'! :o

I agree with Epiphiny and spidookly says.

Doing your fare share in life isn't 'helping out'.

I have no patience for adults who expect others to do it all just because they have a vagina.

Spidookly, no, in the part of the world he's from, the maids tidy the house... [shocked]

Boffinmum, would that I could leave the house, but need big old computer and VPN access to work servers (am designer - hence name). Sadly it's not really laptop (if I had one) in a cafe compatible.

I can cope with letting the house slide - indeed it has well and truly slid. But I find it difficult to let childcare slide - no, make that impossible...

db
xx

p.s. On the upside, it's ten to five and I can smell DD2s dinner, and I don't hear CBeebies...

'Spidookly, no, in the part of the world he's from, the maids tidy the house... [shocked]'

Well, then, that's his fault he didn't go out and earn enough to hire one would be my response.

Otherwise, he's got two hands and two legs that work, and reality bites, so he needs to buck up.

I suppose I was coming from the angle that I am the full time money earner and my husband is the stay at home parent.

We are both very capable of the role of parenting and caring but, in swapping roles, we have had to be careful we understand what it all entails.

But they are not swapping roles. He is a father regardless of whether his wife works or not.

I come from the same part of the world (the one with maids) and it is not customary to treat your wife as staff.

yes, yes...I'm agreeing with you Spidookly!!

Seriously. I am!

Just wanted to explore another possibility for a while.

But he is a useless grunt...

and that applies no matter which part of the country you are from...

sexism is alive and well as illustrated nicely and frequently by mumsnet.
I reckon women make it easy for blokes to behave like this cos we do what needs doing eventually even tho he hasnt.
I am having our baby on thursday and am going to try really hard to start as i mean to go on and let him realise that not doing soemthing means it wont be done at all. This from the woman who has had a shit pregnancy and is still picking up the bulk of everything.grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

It's not that sex is a bargaining tool, it's a simple truth that fairness in the home translates into feeling keener on your partner and more inclined towards sex. Which is why I have an utterly no-shit-sherlock reaction to the OP saying that their sex life is non-existent.
Who would want to have sex with a man who is treating you like a slave? Whenever any woman starts a thread saying 'I have gone off sex and my DP/DH is complaining' the first question should always be 'How much of his share of the domestic work and childcare is he doing?'
Men who expect their wives to service them domestically invariably turn sex, in their wives' hearts and minds, in to yet another service that the man feels entitled to making the woman perform for him.

If a poster with no libido has a male partner who is doing his fair share (not just 'helping' by changing the odd lightbulb and taking the kids to the park once a month) then OK the source of the problem is going to be elsewhere. But it usually is domestic unfairness.

It's far simpler, even, than that SGB - I'm doing everything and getting bugger-all sleep so I'm just too bleedin' KNACKERED for sex... Simples.

Yup. And you're knackered because your H is not pulling his weight but in fact making more work for you.

What I can never understand is why men just do not get that, if they want sex, they have to pull their weight around the house.
My DH can come home with a whole shop ful of chocs and flowers but if he leaves all domestic crap to me, then , sorry but sex is off the menu.
I am a 'company sectretary' which basically means I have to 'fit in' doing all DH's paperwork with childcare. It is very hard, so I definitely sympathise with any woman who tries to work from home.
There just seems to be one rule for him, ie, I'm on the phone to a customer, keep the kids quite, to you trying to fill in VAT return with kids screaming and DH watching TV.

I haven't read the thread....but OP, you need to realise that you are not your dh's boss.

Your OP reads like a list of tasks you expect to be carried out to your specific instructions. Eeek!

He needs to feel his way on his own, not be bossed into serving lunch at 12 sharp!

Cool down mama.

McHobbes - maybe you should read the thread? It's not giving a list of instructions to expect the dcs to be fed, watered, dressed and changed in a day, is it? Really?

Understand completely where you are coming from OP, he needs to learn how to manage and fast.

When DD was 14 months me and DH swapped and he became SAHD (I now work FT). He does most cleaning, cooking, ironing and looks after DD in the day. He doesn't always manage it all and somedays the house is a bit of a tip, but I let it go to a point because I could do more if I have a problem with it. He does however always put DD's needs first and will make sure she is fed, waterered, clean and entertained before all else. That your DH did not would be my bone of contention (I would have lost my cool over the nappy and missing lunch time). Like you say he doesn't see them much anyway, it is not too much to expect that he spends that time with them and leaves the laptop alone.

With regard to night waking and your lack of sleep, just because he works does not mean he cannot take some of the night shift to let you get a few more hours in a row. I still get up for DD because it is easier for me (DH tries, but she screams and wakes me anyway and then it takes even longer to get her back to sleep) and I work FT (I did this when she woke every two hours when teething too).

Oh and even though my DH is a SAHD now I did have to write lists at first to tell him how I did things so that he would keep DD's routine. If you write it all down then he really has no excuse for it not being done. You will just have to drop him in it though otherwise he will never truly learn for himself.

Ok I've read through now.

He needs to buck up some...you need to chill out some.

Compromise. he has to accept he needs to pull his finger out more, and you need to accept that lunch may be half an hour late and the place may not be as tidy as you would like.

Communication is the key here. x

I have taken to going into college on my "day off" to get away from similar issues - although mine is more housework based. I cannot bear to sit in the house when its a mess (with his created mess). I found I spent precious homework time clearing up after his cooked breakfast or his cooked lunch when he pops home in his lunch hour.

By going to college just to do my homework in the library - the chaos and mess remains at home but I dont sit there stewing about it, having to remove his numerous used mugs from the dining table to find a space to work etc whilst trying to get on with my studies.

I would be fuming if I was you (I do fume about my situation). I hope you find a way to work around it soon.

have you talked to him what you expect him to do?

maybe you can give him a check list like they do in nursery.
for example
nappy changes at 10:00 13:00 16:00 or immediately when soiled
breakfast around 8:00
lunch around 12:00
dinner around 17:00
snack times around 10:00 and 15:00
time outside after afternoon nap.

and then go out to work/lock yourself into your room.