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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

yuck!! just yuck!!

37 replies

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:17

what the fuck is wrong with my mum???

she called in this evening to to tell me some bad news about my cousin. before she got up to go she threw out a quick "you're a bit down" in the most accusatory tone she could find. except she picked the wrong night for it and i burst into tears told her i was fed up with everything, fed up being alone, being in the house all day, having no money, no friends, the lot. "are you depressed?" she says. well done mother, blue peter badge is on it's way Hmm. but did she move of the sofa and come to give me a hug? did she put her arm around me and tell me it would be ok? did she fuck!! she reels back holds her hands to her sides, shrugs her shoulders and says,

"well what do you want ME to do?"

what is wrong with her? twice in the last 6 months i have broken down on front of her. the first time, she left the room and this time she makes me feel guilty for telling her how i felt.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 21/01/2011 20:25

...I can see why you are depressed! What an odd way to behave.

has she always been like this??

TheMonster · 21/01/2011 20:27

It sounds like she doesn't know how to react or how to help you. Maybe she feels guilty about it?

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:29

yes always. she has never told me she loves me, writes it in xmas and birthday cards but could never say or show it. she did hug me a couple of times as a child though Hmm

OP posts:
queenrollo · 21/01/2011 20:30

this is how my mum is with me. My mother is incapable of showing me any kind of comfort or emotion.

have an un-mnetty ((hug)) from me.

I've learnt to live with the way my mum is, endeavoured to find friends I could rely on. Do you really have no friends? Is there no way you could get out and meet people?

TheMonster · 21/01/2011 20:31

Iloveit, I feel for you, I really do. My mum was the same. It meant I had a problem with hugging too - it just feels awkward to me.
Have you told anyone in RL about how you feel, other than your mum?

suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 20:32

Don't look to your mother to fix it!

She sounds like she has her own set of problems! And projecting it onto you!

She sounds toxic actually, "she makes me feel guilty for telling her how i felt."

Google "narcistic mothers", there's a link on one of the threads here somewhere

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:33

no friends. there are people i know. a girl that used to be my best friend but is married and doesn't really keep in touch now. i do with her but i resent the fact that it is always me making the effort so i tend to not do it as often. yes i can get out, there are a couple of M&T groups, i just never get myself geared up to go. it is daunting walking into a hall full of strangers.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:35

i don't want her to fix it. i have kept this from her for over two years because i just knew this would be the reaction. depression doesn't really exist in our family. "you just need to pull yourself together and get on with things".

OP posts:
spidookly · 21/01/2011 20:35

I hope your cousin is OK.

That is really shit about your Mum. I don't know what is wrong with her, but I think you know now that you can't expect support or affection from her.

Who give you hugs?

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:36

i don't even know why i told her tonight. she caught me off guard, she doesn't usually come to my house so it was strange her being here and then telling me the news about my cousin, i just wasn't expecting her to say anything to me about being 'down'.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 20:36

My mum never told me she loved me, nor my dad

All she can say now in her dotage (as I take ccare of her) "You're a good daughter" [Hmm]

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:37

he was stabbed spidookly, i have just heard he has made it through surgery and has had part of his lung removed.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 20:37

hmm

TheMonster · 21/01/2011 20:37

Iloveit, maybe you should talk to your GP. Anti-depressants helped me a lot.

WHerebaouts in the world are you? Maybe you could hook up with someone via the net and arrange to meet them at a toddler group. It worked for me and I made a really good friend that way.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:39

same here suburb, my parents dont say they love each other except in cards. i tell my kids all the fucking time. love is free, tehy don't have to wait til their fucking birthdays to get it.

OP posts:
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 21/01/2011 20:39

i could have written every word you have!!in exactly the same boat, which is prob not at all helpfull. the only difference is my mum shouts at me to get a grip.
im waiting for a new M&T group to start next month in my area, then everyone will be new rather than in little established groups.
i hope your ok, and that tomorrow is a better day

MigratingCoconuts · 21/01/2011 20:40

my mum doesn't either...but nor has she ever laid this kind of guilt trip on me either. As a result I was always assured of her love and it was only an issue when I became a mum and I was worried I'd be the same (I'm not!!)

Are you seeking treatment for the depression?
I have no experience to help you there, i'm afraid.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:41

i think you are right Eeyore. i have been putting off teh GP for ages now but i think i will have to do it.

after i had ds2 i met a girl through Netmums and was nice for a while but she never kept up contact and seemed to make excuses for not wanting to meet anymore. i stopped trying. story of my life, i always have to do the contacting.

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BellaMagnificat · 21/01/2011 20:41

Oh love I'm so very sorry. I do understand.

My mother referred just once to my 'affliction' ( for some reason her use of that word enraged me) when I could hide it no longer then never rang once as I struggled with suicidal depression and potential admission to mental hospital.

So I needed to find other sources of support and gradually let go of expecting those who you would normally expect to demonstrate they care to do so.

It's tough and it doesn't happen overnight.

What do you want her to do? If you're hard up and she isn't, suggest she loans or pays for some sessions of private therapy for you.

She is clearly not doing anything else. You can save yourself. You can.

MissQue · 21/01/2011 20:43

I have a toxic narcissistic mother too, she simply can't give anything of herself, it's one of the many reasons I cut off all contact with her many years ago.

Sadly some people are emotionally stunted, and it's horrid when it's the person you should be able to turn to Sad

spidookly · 21/01/2011 20:43
Shock

That is terrible about your cousin, no wonder you had such an emotional reaction. Thank God he has made it through surgery.

Are you being treated for your depression?

I'm sorry your Mum let you down so badly today :(

nogreatexpectations · 21/01/2011 20:44

Not every mother is narcisistic and toxic and no one is without faults, doesn't mean they have a diagnosable condition.

How does your mum react, does she ask questions, does she offer any practical support. When she said "what do you want me to do" maybe that is the time to tell her what you need. Be it a hug, some practical help, someone to help you find other help you need, hold your hand, pay a bill, what ever.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:45

i am hard up but i will never ask her for help. i don't ant her to do anything. i don't even know why i told her. i didn't mean to. i wish i hadn't. it's just made me feel worse. and now she knows and will be throwing this back at me all the time. i can just hear her "have you sorted yourself out yet?" "it's not fair on those boys, you being like this"

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MigratingCoconuts · 21/01/2011 20:46

try 'its not fair on me, you being like this!' as a response!!

Its tough that we cannot choose our parents. Do you haave any other family members you are closer to?

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/01/2011 20:48

no, no-one else.

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