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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please...

35 replies

dee1981 · 21/01/2011 19:04

I am 14 weeks pregnant and the father has now decided that he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. He has said this to me twice before and after the third time I have decided to end the relationship between us. I have told him that he can have access to the child and see it when he wants and his response was "You are having an abortion, if you chose not to, I ma having nothing to do with the child. I've spoken to the CSA and won't be liable for any payments to you as I have filed against you".
Is this possible? I have spoken to a friend who knows about the law and has said he cannot file against a child that hasn't been born and if he was to go to court (as he said he is, tomorrow apparently) that I would have to be notified.

I've also recently found out that I am not eligable for SMP, so have looked into a maternity allowance. It all seems to be falling apart and I am only three and a half months!

OP posts:
Sazisi · 21/01/2011 19:07

He's full of shit, he hasn't spoken to CSA, and people can't 'file against you' being pregnant.
He sounds nasty, you and the baby are well rid.

Portofino · 21/01/2011 19:11

You will be much better off without this arsewipe. His CSA spiel is rubbish. Whilst on one hand I would like to see him being forced to support his child, on the other, if i were you I would walk away and never have anything to do with him again.

Original poster
dee1981 · 21/01/2011 19:13

Thank you, he seems to be Jekyll and Hyde. A month ago he was choosing names and saying he couldn't wait to be a family, now he has totally flipped.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 19:27

Enjoy your pregnancy!

And don't let this "dead-beat" dad be any part of your lives, DEFINATELY don't put him on the birth certificate!!

He's an A who is a control freak.

You can do this! I'm a single mum too Smile

perfumedlife · 21/01/2011 19:29

What a nice man.

A liar too.

gettingeasier · 21/01/2011 19:30

Hes lying I know from direct experience he will be liable via CSA if he wont contribute voluntarily.

You have made the right decision

Original poster
dee1981 · 21/01/2011 19:31

Thank you suburbophobe! If I don't put his name down, does this mean he won't have to pay maintenance?

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 19:42

P S Don't let him run you and your child around in circles by telling him he can have access when he wants!

No, when it suits YOU!

That way you will find out if he is real, or just playing games!

(You don't want to see the hurt on your 2-3 year-old's face when "daddy" doesn't turn up, him standing there with is little rucksack, ready to go out to the zoo for the day, as "daddy" promised!)!

It's you and your child now, he's no longer in the picture (see him as a sperm donor, the way he's acting, he doesn't deserve anything else!)!

Time to get wise to everything you can apply for (pre-natal care, child-support, pregnancy-leave, all sorts of support-networks), tell him to

Hit the road, Jack! Grin

All the best! It's hard, but you can do it!
Cos I did! And if I did it, you can too!Wink

suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 19:56

Sorry, don't know how the CSA works, as I don't live in Britain (I never went for any maintenance, long story, from a "3rd world" country, basically and gone back)

But I don't think not putting your child's father on the birth certificate equals him not being eligible for maintenance
(correct me if I'm wrong), but legally and DNA are two different things, no?

I think women now can register a birth without mentioning the father? (always could, but not the stigma any more, thank God!)!

I would go for the first, in legal terms, money you can always get, somehow, and you'll be amazed how creative you get as a single mother! Grin

That child of yours is going to change your life!
I always say "He's the light of my life and the centre of my universe"!!

Actually, a good idea to go to CAB and get all your legal rights sorted! They are the ones who know!

suburbophobe · 21/01/2011 20:00

In case of confusion, I am European, my child's dad from outside Europe (Africa)

where's that edit button! Smile

oldraver · 21/01/2011 20:54

You would need his written permission to have his name on the birth certificate, or he will have to attend with you. You cant put it his name on on your own (it will be left blank). If his name is on the BC he will have PR, think carefully about whether this would be wise. If he turns out to be a wonderfull father his name can be added later (he can also go to court). i personally wouldn't want to give PR to someone acting like he is at the moment

Being the father he is liable for maintenance. It doesnt matter if he is on the certificate

Original poster
dee1981 · 21/01/2011 21:11

thanks so much for all your wonderful advice x x

OP posts:
Original poster
dee1981 · 21/01/2011 21:18

its just been so unexpected and he's being so vile. I have sought legal advice and feel a bit happier now and your responses have put me at ease x x

OP posts:
oldraver · 21/01/2011 21:27

I would just distance yourself and try and enjoy your pregnancy. Let him come to you but dont let him push you into something you dont want

MrsFlittersnoop · 21/01/2011 21:46

Very sorry to hear this Dee Sad. I do hope you can put this behind you and enjoy your pregnancy without this dead weight around your neck.

What a complete pile of pants! "File against you" indeed! For what? On which planet? Mars?

He cannot go to court because there are NO laws in this country WHATOSEVER that could possibly be relevant to your situation. Apply to the CSA after your baby is born (if you decide you can be bothered with the hassle) and screw him. If he insists on DNA testing, so much the better. Judges take a dim view of men who try to avoid their responsiblities in this way.

Nobber.

Original poster
dee1981 · 22/01/2011 17:18

Thanks Girls the response is truly amazing.:)

I had copious amounts of messages last night, have kept every single one of them saying about he was going to go to court and pay £800 for a "life long" restraining order against both me and the child and saying he will drop it if i agree to sign, waiving him from all responsibilities! (so basically blackmailing me, i found it very difficult but i did not respond) then another message shortly after saying he has decided not to go ahead with it maybe due to the fact i had pointed out in the one message i had sent earlier stating it was actually HIM harassing ME not the other way round and that i had infact not asked a thing from him (apart from to return the spare keys to my home and other bits of mine he has) i will take him to the cleaners once the child is born. Everything was so nice and lovely to begin with its as if someone has flipped a switch.... xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
dee1981 · 22/01/2011 17:28

oh and apparently he isn't liable to pay as abortion is still possible........xx

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 22/01/2011 17:36

This man sounds like a total, A1 knob!!

I can't believe the effort he is going to to try and get you to waver his responsibilities!

Unbelieveble! Shock

Best to cut all unofficial communication but if you do find yourself in a position to offer advice,point out that if he can't handle the responsibility, he should keep it zipped.

Single parenting is tough but you are better off...no doubt!

MigratingCoconuts · 22/01/2011 17:38

he must be bloody thick too if he thinks you wouldn't find out that these threats are a load of cockshite

MigratingCoconuts · 22/01/2011 17:41

sorry for my language but I really am very irritated by him Grin

AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 17:42

what a gobshite

all his threats are utter bull

please don't put this man's name on your child's bc

he can't be trusted with parental responsibility

he is going to fuck around with maintenance no matter what you do, I guarantee it, so make sure you play his how you want it

and congrats, btw Smile

AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 17:43

play this

EvelynTension · 22/01/2011 17:59

If I were you I would move as far from him as possible before the baby is born and tell him you have had an abortion.

Morally perhaps not ideal but if you go ahead with the pregnancy and he is local to you he could potentially switch again and start harassing you for contact, trying to take child from you etc etc.

He sounds deluded and insane

Please think carefully and don't start planning to have a war with him over money etc once the baby is here - what a life to be born into. parental conflict from day 1.

I don't doubt you want the best for your child, but please, please do whatever it takes to get this creep out of your lives - stuff the money, it won't be worth it, trust me.

Good luck x

Original poster
dee1981 · 22/01/2011 18:00

I am being nothing but civil and as "nice" as i can be when i need to respond which i have no doubt is winding him up even more. I think he's trying to get a reaction from me and as difficult as it is i refuse to bite and give him any ammunition towards me. Unfortunately i have made the mistake of telling a couple of my best friends (who happen to be gigantic rugby players!) who are now like angry rottweilers stuck on leashes begging me for his address haha as much as i would love to i wont give it as it will cause more problems. I have got massive support from family and friends and again i can't say thank you enough for all the amazing support you guys have given me too, very humbled :) xxx

OP posts:
EvelynTension · 22/01/2011 18:03

Honestly, if I had my chance again I would have lied to the bloke and never told him it was his child.

Once you have a baby with someone you are tied to them for life.

You have a chance to escape him now. I know it is considered wrong to lie and to keep a child from its father but seriously I would take that chance because a bloke like this is the last thing you want when you are bringing up a baby.

He could make your life sheer hell and mess with your child's head, too. Don't put either of you through it - please.