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Original poster

MIL has died

35 replies

NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 20:30

My lovely MIL died two days ago only 2 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. She was only 59.

I am working in Belgium for 6 months and he has stayed in England as he could not leave his job.

I went back to UK last weekend to say my goodbyes to his brilliant DM, but was back in Belgium before she died.

I feel so, so sad and numb. I feel as though I need to be strong for my DH.
My problem is that I am getting really angry with him as he isn't getting in touch with me. We usually text throughout the day as phonecalls are too expensive for us both. Over the past few days I have been texting to send him my love etc, but he is not replying.

I know it is his mum and it is his grief. I can't whine at him. I need to leave him to grieve in his own way. But I still feel so frustrated because I am so lonely! I have no one to grieve with, and I actually feel jealous of his family that they get to be together and support each other. I am ignored in my grief. However, I can't expect support from my DH because it was HIS mother ffs, not mine.

I don't even know what I am rambling on about. It's just that I feel so sad and alone, and so worried for my DH. I can only get one week off work for the funeral, so it looks like I have to wait another week to see my DH. I want to help and I can't.

I'm not trying to understand what he is going through, because I can't. But I feel irrationally cross that I have to be over here feeling so sad. And his brother's gf of 6 months was there as she died.

Sad
OP posts:
hambo · 20/01/2011 20:32

I'm sorry you feel sad. xx

BelleDameSansMerci · 20/01/2011 20:35

Oh I'm so sorry. x

Original poster
NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 20:40

Thank you for your condolences.
Mumsnet is helping keep my mind off it!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 20/01/2011 20:43

thats shitty for you (and him obviously). The fact that his grief is greater doesn;t mean you are not entitled to grieve for someone who sounds like a important person in your life.

PussinJimmyChoos · 20/01/2011 20:47

I do sympathise. My MIL was from Syria and DH had to fly out there a few weeks before she died, leaving me in UK with DS as no way they could have nursed her with DS around (no Mac nurses in Syria so all the palliative care was done at home and it was 24/7)

On the day she died, DH text messaged me (I am deaf and can't hear on the phone) and said mama just died, don't text back

Even now, two years on, those three words - don't text back absolutely kill me when I think of them as it made me feel very isolated and cut off from the situation.

Of course, being Muslim, the funeral was the very next day and so within an hour of her passing, the house was filled with mourners, a lot of preparation tasks etc and I could understand why DH was distant, but that didn't lessen my grief and isolation - I wanted to be there to support him - but it wasn't feasible

I do understand what you are feeling but trust me, when you see your DH and you grieve together, the isolation you feel will go and since DH has been back, its been me that has supported him with his grief so you will be able to play your part - just not yet

Sending you lots of love and hugs at this sad time

Puss

freddiefox · 20/01/2011 20:47

I'm really sorry for your loss. she was very young. x

Original poster
NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 20:50

Thanks Puss your story has really helped. I do feel that I am 'on hold' as it were.
Yes freddie, she was very young. Cancer is shit.

OP posts:
PussinJimmyChoos · 20/01/2011 21:03

Glad sharing my story has helped you, even if just a little bit

I didn't even get to see her before she died...she was due to come over for a visit in the September but the visit was cancelled...I did toy with idea of leaving DS with my mum and flying out for a week but I just couldn't bear thought of leaving him (he was 3.5 when she died) as he wouldn't have understood and although he loves my mum to bits, would have been too much to have both his mum and dad out of the picture

Original poster
NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 21:05

That's so sad and it must have been very hard. I am lucky to have said goodbye to her and to have held her hand. It's like a bad dream really, it came out of nowhere.

OP posts:
tinkerbell41 · 20/01/2011 23:11

i,m so sorry for your loss....

KittyWalker · 20/01/2011 23:13

Sad so sorry

jasper · 20/01/2011 23:15

How terribly terribly sad, and what a hideously aggressive cancer.
My heart goes out to you xx

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 20/01/2011 23:16

Namey, sending you big unmumsnetty (((hugs))) So sorry for your loss and I am glad Puss's story has helped you a bit this evening.

WonderingStar · 20/01/2011 23:24

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Can you not take a day's holiday (or sick?) tomorrow and come home for the weekend? Or just go tomorrow night and stay til Sunday evening? Worth the money, if you can squeeze it from somewhere. You should be with your DH. He must need you there in person. sorry if this is unhelpful, I obviously don't know all the detais.

Original poster
NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 23:28

Thank you, it is so very sad. Just such a shock. She was brilliant, honestly the opposite of the MIL threads you see on here. I was lucky to have known her.

I am glad that when I went back for the weekend she was still with it a bit at points, because after I left she had so much morphine that she wasn't there much really. At one point she was asleep and she woke up and I held her hand and smiled and she gave me this gorgeous smile back.

FIL has told DH that he wants me to have one of her necklaces that she always wore, I think that is so lovely and I am so grateful to him for thinking of me in that way.

Thank you everyone for listening to me talk, I have felt so alone but MN tonight has been great. Reminds you how good MN can be.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 20/01/2011 23:28

Ah, I understand. It's awful to be so far away when you need to be in the family proper, with dh. Your lovely Mil would understand though. God bless her, 59 is nothing. One day, when you are less sad, you will smile as you remember the nice things she said and did.

Can you not get home sooner?

Original poster
NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 23:32

Wondering- yes I thought about it too, but the other weekend cost me £400. I told him I would go this weekend if he wanted, but that it would mean that I couldn't stay as long over the funeral period and he said that at the moment he is happy to spend time with his siblings and his dad remembering his mum.

Although I have felt quite guilty for not going I also think it is quite nice that he can spend that time with them sharing stories and memories. He said all the other spouses have left them for a few days and my DH, FIL and DH's siblings are all camped out in his mum's room watching her favourite films Smile

OP posts:
WonderingStar · 20/01/2011 23:41

What lovely people both your MIL and FIL sound like. It's always a privilege to know such people.

It sounds as though your DH and siblings have got huge comfort from being together. But I feel for you. Horrid to have to wait. Do you have friends you can spend time with this weekend?

Original poster
NameyMcChange · 20/01/2011 23:45

Yes, thank you I have. I am going to stay with some friends who live nearby. Hopefully this weekend and then work will fly by, and I can be home with my gorgeous DH!

OP posts:
madamimadam · 21/01/2011 01:03

Namey, I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman - and 59 is no age at all is it?

I really feel for you. My wonderful MIL passed away in August (aneuryism) and we're only starting to emerge from the shock of it all. And it's a lonely place to be -like you, I can't begin to comprehend the scale of my DH's grief (they were incredibly close) but you're also dealing with your own grief as well and trying to 'manage' it, so as not to make things worse for DH or DS. But to see my husband almost physically crumpled by it is just heartbreaking.

Namey, I hope you find comfort and solace over the next few days before you rejoin your DH. They sound like a lovely family (your MIL obviously did a very good job there!). Take care of yourself - you must be exhausted.

Thinking of you and your family x x

KalokiMallow · 21/01/2011 01:09

I am so sorry to hear this, your family are in my thoughts x

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 21/01/2011 01:29

Namey - I am so very sorry x

I'm sorry for you losing such a wonderful MIL at the very young age of 59. It is so lovely to have loved & liked your MIL and so unfair it has been cut so short :(

I'm also sorry that you feel so left out of the grieving - it's hard to not be with everyone else.

I can also really understand why you are envious of your BIL's gf being there when you weren't. However, you have to remember that you got to be there when she able to see you, smile at you etc not everyone gets that time to say good-bye :(

However, you will have to take my word on this, the time after the funeral is much worse, so when you book your flights go as close to the funeral as you can and stay as long after as you can. Your DH will need a lot of support from you for a very long time, being patient with his short temper and lack of consideration amongst other things - so you will definitely get 'your turn' at helping him through this.

I'm glad you are staying with friends this weekend.

The price of love is grief x

EvelynTension · 21/01/2011 07:06

I'm really sorry darling (it's me f a).

How terribly sad...and so young. So unfair.

And sorry that you've got to be away, I do totally understand how that feels, it's horrid for you.

Take great care, you will be home soon xx

EldritchCleavage · 21/01/2011 12:26

namey I'm so sorry. The same thing happened to us in April-MIL died in another country, only 10 days after diagnosis. I couldn't leave work or DS so we had to stay here while DH went over.

It was very weird because it was as if for DH everything reverted a bit to before we were together: he was back in his birth family and dealing with the death with them, and I was desperate to help him but completely on the sidelines.

I think everyone just gets knocked for six, and doesn't think straight. DH was talking about staying on for weeks and looking after his father when I really needed him home, eventually (he is the at home parent, I go out to work). Of course, it is completely impossible to stamp you foot and say 'Come home now', I had to let him decide. But when he did come and DS was slightly puzzled about who he was, DH was deeply shocked.

I do think that your support will be invaluable when DH comes home and you will be needed and close and involved then, but right now he's dealing with it in a different way with his birth family. Hard to be passive but I think that may be what he needs from you at the moment.

BaronessOrczy · 21/01/2011 12:35

Namey I'm so sorry for your loss.

You mention that the other spouses are also giving your DH and his siblings their space - would there be any way you could contact them, lean on them for a bit of support or to share your grief? Perhaps they are also feeling the way you are?

Sorry if that's a useless suggestion, but it sounds like you are all in the same boat, IYSWIM?

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