MIL has died

[NameyMcChange]

My lovely MIL died two days ago only 2 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. She was only 59.

I am working in Belgium for 6 months and he has stayed in England as he could not leave his job.

I went back to UK last weekend to say my goodbyes to his brilliant DM, but was back in Belgium before she died.

I feel so, so sad and numb. I feel as though I need to be strong for my DH.
My problem is that I am getting really angry with him as he isn't getting in touch with me. We usually text throughout the day as phonecalls are too expensive for us both. Over the past few days I have been texting to send him my love etc, but he is not replying.

I know it is his mum and it is his grief. I can't whine at him. I need to leave him to grieve in his own way. But I still feel so frustrated because I am so lonely! I have no one to grieve with, and I actually feel jealous of his family that they get to be together and support each other. I am ignored in my grief. However, I can't expect support from my DH because it was HIS mother ffs, not mine.

I don't even know what I am rambling on about. It's just that I feel so sad and alone, and so worried for my DH. I can only get one week off work for the funeral, so it looks like I have to wait another week to see my DH. I want to help and I can't.

I'm not trying to understand what he is going through, because I can't. But I feel irrationally cross that I have to be over here feeling so sad. And his brother's gf of 6 months was there as she died.

NmcC - so sorry to hear of your loss. What a young age, and how quickly - cancer is such a horrible illness.

When my MIL died last year my DP was similarly un-communicative and we were in the same country/house. The reality was that there was lots to do - talking to other relatives and organising the funeral etc. He was very busy doing all those things and so didn't have the time and energy to talk to me.

Baroness, thank you that is a good idea.

I know really that he needs to do the funeral etc etc and doesnt have time to include me. He needs to deal with his grief his own way and it has only been a few days. I keep giving myself a good talking too and telling myself off!
I now have a full weekend planned so hopefully it will take my mind off worrying about him.

I just want to say that I too am so sorry for your loss-cancer is such a foul disease.

Hello,
So sorry to hear about your loss.

I can sympathise as my MIL died of cancer a couple of years ago and I wasn't able to be with my DH at the time either. MIL lived in France, we live in Belgium, and had spent a couple of weeks in France visiting her in hospital. Eventually I had to come back to Belgium with our (then) 4 month old daughter as it was not long before Christmas and we had family arriving that week. DH brought us back home and then returned to France and MIL died the next day.

It was awful feeling so powerless and unable to do anything to help. DH is an only child with few relatives and his parents are divorced, so all the funeral arrangements fell to him.

He actually coped very well - as others have mentioned the "difficult" part of the grieving stage kicked in later. Grief affects everybody differently and can cause people to behave in strange or unreasonable ways, often quite a long way down the line. So just when you think that you are out of the woods, or that they should be "over it", grief can continue to affect people very deeply. (I know when my father died I was completely out of sorts for a year)

The only real advice I can give you is to let your own grief manifest itself without you feeling guilty. (When my MIL died I felt like I wasn't entitled to be sad because DH would be feeling so much worse.)

And when your DH gets back, give him as much space as he needs and be as patient as you possibly can.

Of course this is easier said than done - I found it very hard as DH started questioning a lot of aspects of his life, requesting time for himself and wanting to go off cycling and walking on his own. This caused a few problems as I felt he was shunning me and our little daughter, and despite also working full time I was left - literally - holding the baby on many occasions. It led to DH actually having a bit of an epiphany regarding what he wanted to do with his life and he's now decided to take a new path in his career. I think such decisions can be quite common after one loses a loved one.

Sorry if this has turned into more of a ramble about my own situation.
I really do feel for you and understand what a dreadful time you must be going through.

please dont be hard on your hubby when my own dad died i didnt speak for 2 days and couldnt even deal with my own children,i was just in shock.

then on top of your grief there is a funeral to sort out and agreements that need to be made between family members its a very painful process.

please please dont make it about you at this time,2 weeks after my dad died and 3 days after my dads funeral my partner of 12 years (now my x partner)told me he was sick of me being miserable and neglecting him. i never forgave him for that and we split soon after.

As if I would make it about myself pink, I am not completely heartless. That is why I have posted on here.

I am very,very sorry to hear about your dad, your XP sounds horrible.

Hi Mamet I'm so sorry about your mil.

Your dh willbe so busy sorting things out it is very possible you'd have felt out of it there anyway being there for the funeral and after is much more important in my recent experience.

Sorry re name iPhone again [doh]

Thank you. I have organised to be there for longer afterwards on all your advice.

Really sorry to hear about your loss namey. xxx