Okay - background.
MIL and FIL divorced when DH was about 5 years old. DH and BIL spent lots of weekends and holidays with FIL while growing up and had good relationships with both parents. FIL remarried, had two more children, divorced her, and has been with SMIL for over 15 years. MIL never remarried and I believe had a few short-lived romances, but nothing too serious.
DH and I met in 2002. We had DS in 2008. When DS was 7 months old DH died of cancer. Obviously devastating to the whole family.
Since DH died, MIL has been struggling quite a bit emotionally. She is currently on Anti-D's and I know she has recently been seeing a counsellor.
She is a very nice lady, but she is an inherently selfish person. She doesn't seem to think about how other people will feel about some of her actions - it's just about her. For example, she brought some food with her at Xmas to help with keeping my costs down - very nice gesture. But, BUT turning up with your own fucking butter and a half used jar of mustard is not nice and helping with the cost. It's fucking insulting to me.
Another example is when we visit her best friend of 25 years (DH and BIL grew up with her kids - they were all family friends together). I have gotten to know this family very well and I sort of think of them as my substitute family (I'm from Oz and that's where my family is). Anyway, we were going to visit the best friend and best friend invited MIL along for lunch. MIL says to BF that she doesn't want to seem ungracious, but if DS and I are going to go to her (MIL's) house for dinner she won't bother visiting BF when we are there. That seem really bloody ungracious to me! Basically she is saying, I'm coming to see them, not you, my friend of 25 years.
She does this sort of thing (insulting people unwittingly) all the time, but as she always means well, and she is trying to do things out of the goodness of her heart, no-one tells her she is being rude. My thinking is that someone should tell her, otherwise she will continue to insult and offend people. Also, if someone does happen to mention anything remotely negative about her actions, she gets very defensive and (I feel) pulls the 'Woe is me, my son died' card.
So to the current issue...
I am having a bit a get together next weekend for Australia Day. This is an annual thing. DH and I did it every year with our friends. After DH died, it has been a bit more of a friends and family thing, in that MIL, FIL and SMIL and BIL have come along too (and my parents as well the year DH died as it was around the time of the funeral).
This year, I sent a FB (I know, I know!) event to my friends inviting them for this year. I invited BIL. I did not invite MIL, FIL, SMIL etc as I want to get it back the way it was, with our friends as I feel I have been neglecting them a bit, and it'd be nice to catch up after the chaos of Xmas.
Anyway, BIL told MIL (not his fault, he wasn't to know I didn't really want her (or really her generation TBH) there). MIL sends me an email asking about the date/time of the party and can she come. In the same email she also asks if she should bring a pudding. So she has assumed she is invited.
I agonsie for a bit, and send her a nice email saying that I want it to be a friends and their kids kind of thing, but we'll see her soon. She sends back a one line email (v. unusual for her) saying fine, no problem.
Two hours later she sends another email saying that she understands that I want it to be my just my friends, but I should understand that my friends are her friends too! Then she asks me to send love to certain friends and can I take some photos of their baby.
This is the crux of the matter. They are not her friends. They are my (our - me and DH) friends. She happens to be the mother of one of their friends. She has taken on this persona as 'Aunty' to all of my friend's children (whether asked to by the parents or not) and is assuming some sort of 'friend rights' over them. I thought I had been nice about saying she wasn't invited, however, now she is making me feel guilty (whether deliberately or not I don't know) about not inviting her to my party.
So (mammoth) post almost over now...
What do I do? Do I tell her she is being unreasonable in trying to guilt me? Do I let it slide (like everyone has her entire life)? Do I not mention it at all? Do I invite her (please god no)?
I feel someone should pull her up on this, but shoudl it be me? If not me, who? Everyone else seems to accept that this is just how she is.
DS is her only GC, her link to DH and (I think) her main reason for living at the moment (hates her job, lives in rented house, has no pension, not much of a social life except for a few key friends). For the record, I would NEVER stop her form seeing DS - for starters he loves her so much - I just find it difficult to be around her personally.
So MN jury... help???