MiL and rudeness

[HMTheQueen]

Okay - background.

MIL and FIL divorced when DH was about 5 years old. DH and BIL spent lots of weekends and holidays with FIL while growing up and had good relationships with both parents. FIL remarried, had two more children, divorced her, and has been with SMIL for over 15 years. MIL never remarried and I believe had a few short-lived romances, but nothing too serious.

DH and I met in 2002. We had DS in 2008. When DS was 7 months old DH died of cancer. Obviously devastating to the whole family.

Since DH died, MIL has been struggling quite a bit emotionally. She is currently on Anti-D's and I know she has recently been seeing a counsellor.

She is a very nice lady, but she is an inherently selfish person. She doesn't seem to think about how other people will feel about some of her actions - it's just about her. For example, she brought some food with her at Xmas to help with keeping my costs down - very nice gesture. But, BUT turning up with your own fucking butter and a half used jar of mustard is not nice and helping with the cost. It's fucking insulting to me.

Another example is when we visit her best friend of 25 years (DH and BIL grew up with her kids - they were all family friends together). I have gotten to know this family very well and I sort of think of them as my substitute family (I'm from Oz and that's where my family is). Anyway, we were going to visit the best friend and best friend invited MIL along for lunch. MIL says to BF that she doesn't want to seem ungracious, but if DS and I are going to go to her (MIL's) house for dinner she won't bother visiting BF when we are there. That seem really bloody ungracious to me! Basically she is saying, I'm coming to see them, not you, my friend of 25 years.

She does this sort of thing (insulting people unwittingly) all the time, but as she always means well, and she is trying to do things out of the goodness of her heart, no-one tells her she is being rude. My thinking is that someone should tell her, otherwise she will continue to insult and offend people. Also, if someone does happen to mention anything remotely negative about her actions, she gets very defensive and (I feel) pulls the 'Woe is me, my son died' card.

So to the current issue...

I am having a bit a get together next weekend for Australia Day. This is an annual thing. DH and I did it every year with our friends. After DH died, it has been a bit more of a friends and family thing, in that MIL, FIL and SMIL and BIL have come along too (and my parents as well the year DH died as it was around the time of the funeral).

This year, I sent a FB (I know, I know!) event to my friends inviting them for this year. I invited BIL. I did not invite MIL, FIL, SMIL etc as I want to get it back the way it was, with our friends as I feel I have been neglecting them a bit, and it'd be nice to catch up after the chaos of Xmas.

Anyway, BIL told MIL (not his fault, he wasn't to know I didn't really want her (or really her generation TBH) there). MIL sends me an email asking about the date/time of the party and can she come. In the same email she also asks if she should bring a pudding. So she has assumed she is invited.

I agonsie for a bit, and send her a nice email saying that I want it to be a friends and their kids kind of thing, but we'll see her soon. She sends back a one line email (v. unusual for her) saying fine, no problem.

Two hours later she sends another email saying that she understands that I want it to be my just my friends, but I should understand that my friends are her friends too! Then she asks me to send love to certain friends and can I take some photos of their baby.

This is the crux of the matter. They are not her friends. They are my (our - me and DH) friends. She happens to be the mother of one of their friends. She has taken on this persona as 'Aunty' to all of my friend's children (whether asked to by the parents or not) and is assuming some sort of 'friend rights' over them. I thought I had been nice about saying she wasn't invited, however, now she is making me feel guilty (whether deliberately or not I don't know) about not inviting her to my party.

So (mammoth) post almost over now...

What do I do? Do I tell her she is being unreasonable in trying to guilt me? Do I let it slide (like everyone has her entire life)? Do I not mention it at all? Do I invite her (please god no)?

I feel someone should pull her up on this, but shoudl it be me? If not me, who? Everyone else seems to accept that this is just how she is.

DS is her only GC, her link to DH and (I think) her main reason for living at the moment (hates her job, lives in rented house, has no pension, not much of a social life except for a few key friends). For the record, I would NEVER stop her form seeing DS - for starters he loves her so much - I just find it difficult to be around her personally.

So MN jury... help???

It's hard Wimple... I try to laugh off most of her antics... I think Xmas was just especially difficult.

I have friends, but no one special... sometimes i think it would be nice... but then I think of DH. Also, it's difficult to meet anybody (new or old friends) when you work full time and have a toddler! But thank you for thinking of me.

She sounds alright. Don't take her to task. Take the photos, stick to the non-invite. You are over analysing this.

It sounds like this party might have become her 'memorial service' for her DS, her way of connecting with the people who were close to him. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my DS and I'm sure I would want to stay as close to him as I could through the people who knew him best.

I can see how it might be difficult for you, I know all about difficult, rude MiL's, but she obviously is finding everything difficult to cope with.

Over analysing Appletrees? Probably! I don't normally get so wound up and annoyed by everything! This is a Bad Week...

Note to self... don't vent on MN on a Bad Week. Everything gets all jumbled!

Queen..I know how hard it is with kids...and though I still have my DH he hs worked way for months at a time so I can guess how hard it is to know you'll never have their Dad back to help out..or even just be there.

Is there anyway you could sort of equate her with DH? When she's at her most annoying maybe try to think about how your DH was her son...and then the irritation might disperse.

Perhaps because she's the closest thing you have to DH you have been putting your anger at his death towards her in some way?

I sound like an amateur Frasier now but is it possible that there may be something in that?

And have you have councelling?

Yes, Panda she isn't coping very well. TBH I don't think she copes very well with death in general. She still visits her parent's graves for their birthdays/anniversary/mothers day/fathers day/xmas and they died nearly 15 years ago. And gets very despondent around the anniversaries of their deaths.

Hmm, I sympathise on this one, because even though deep down you probably feel YABU, you still have an uncomfortable niggle of guilt.

I agree that there's nothing so terrible about what she's done so far. Not really. But nonetheless she's (unintentionally) crowding you and getting on your nerves. Why? (not criticising, because I think I'd feel the same way). If you could pinpoint why you're irritated by her behaviour, then it might help to dissipate the feeling.

Not much practical help however. Sorry.

Don't be jumbled about this

for her it must be like he died yesterday

it must be hell to lose a child, agree with panda on the memorial service thing

sounds like she's taken it pretty well, I would go gently

Wimple I find it so hard to equate DH with her, as he was so much like FIL (and BIL is so like his mother). There are so few things that remind me of him through her... whereas, when I see FIL, I see DH and his mannerisms all the time.

Maybe I should just try to be more tolerant... but then I find that she gets away with so much more, when people forgive her because of her grief.

I've not had counselling - (except for MN) I'm not really a talker... and I've spoken with friends many a time. I'm more of a 'get on and deal with it' type of person. And after 2 years, what's the point? It won't bring him back.

clam THAT's IT (sorry for shouting - but you've hit the nail on the head). She is crowding us, and it does irritate me... the little things have a disproportionate effect on me. I should laugh them off, but with her I can't^... why??

Will have a think on that one...

Woops... can't do italics!!

There you go then....you just want more space..I can totally understand that as my Mum is doing it right now!

I think YABU (I know it's not AIBU but that's the most succinct way I can think of to put it) to get this irritated by things, because it doesn't seem like anything particularly heinous in terms of MIL behaviour. Annoying, yes, but doesn't sound rude as such.

However, it does sound like both of you are still (very understandably) finding the loss of your DH very difficult to deal with. It's understandable that MIL is trying to bond to every part of his life, as much as it's understandable that you see parts of it as yours to protect.

Tbh, although I fully understand your reasons for not inviting her to your party, I would be hurt at not getting an invite if I was her, especially in light of the fact that she has been invited before. It would seem as though you have actively ended her involvement in that side of your life, and of course that would sting.

I'm not trying to be critical, so please don't think I don't have every sympathy for what you've been through, because I do, I just think that while MIL is being a bit annoying, it more than likely is not malicious from her, just a wish to be in your lives. If you can balance that with what's comfortable for you, I think you will find a way to live harmoniously with each other. :)

I'm very sorry for the loss of your DH. :(

Thank you tainted I think you're right... finding a balance in our lives together is what's needed. The problem comes from her wanting contact all the time, and me wanting some independence and space.

And me not getting irritated when she does things (like bringing butter to my house ).

Firstly so sorry about the loss of your DH. I can't imagine what that must be like.

Re your MIL - I feel for you, I would so hate it if my mil was trying to crowd. BUT your mil has lost her son, and she maybe feels that you are the one person who feels the loss as much as she does. You are also the person who can give her access to her grandchild.

She doesn't HAVE to come to your party, but would it do that much harm if she did?

Sorry, don't mean to be controversial at all, I just sometimes think you have to pick your battles, and is this worth getting het up about? If it's a party you don't even need to talk to her that much if you don't want to.

meant to say "crowd me"!

The butter is odd, I'll give you that! I was half expecting to see Pom Bears mentioned as well!

You are both probably still finding your feet WRT contact since, sadly, DH is not the active connection....sorry, I think that's going to sound horrible, but I hope you get what I mean.

(I'm raising my DN since both his parents passed away, so trying to keep family members happy when the balance and living arrangements change is a speciality of mine at this point :))

If it's any consolation my MIl would bring butter as well. She often turns up with half a cake, or half of some BOGOF she's bought, or some such.

I just grin and bear it. t's as if she feels she can't turn up without bringing some sort of utilitarian offering, however daft. I wouldn't mind if it was a bunch of flowers but it's always something "useful".

(There are numerous other irritating/rude behaviours as well, don't get me started, but nothing is ever going to get her to understand how they come across...)

hmq, vent on mn, it is safe and no harm done

i think you are overanalysing, i recognise it because i do it too, i just came from spending a month on pil home, different country, dil wants to help me so much with the baby that help me change nappies, yes you read right, and has him at every meal so i can eat, and baths him, and prepares his food, and.... you get my point, do what you like, and let it lie, seating down with here and tell her what's what won't help anyone.

sorry for your loss.

With my sensible head on, I called BiL to let him know that MiL might be a bit upset... and she has just called me. I couldn't answer but she left a message saying that she was a bit upset at being left out, but knows where I'm coming from, so not to worry about her.

How can I be irritated now, when she's been so nice and accommodating?

Sigh... will grin and bear it now, but if she irritates me again (or crowds me and DS) I will let her know... she needs to be aware of how the things she says/does affect others - whether she means them to or not.

Once again MN jury triumphs over (my little) adversity

I would invite her, if I were you. Can she really ruin your day? She sounds good hearted, if irritating. Can you find it in your heart to ask her, however "woe is me" she is?

"I would invite her, if I were you. Can she really ruin your day? "

It´s not about her spoiling the day though, is it?

It´s about OP wanting to do something how she used to.

Yes - it's not about her ruining it... it's about her being here. It's about her wanting to be in everything, all the time.

And it's about her wanting to take over my house/kitchen/son while she's here (from what I've read here on MN this is a farily typical MiL trait).

It's about getting back to normal... as normal as we can be without DH.

Your not alone with the butter thing. I let my nana use my caravan and when I go down there, it's cluttered up with tiny half jars of marmalade, butter that I don't use (fair enough), mini alarm clocks and hair pins everywhere, bingo dabbers and cut up pairs of tights tied around everything on the balcony ]

Tres annoying, but she is 90 bless her.

Old people can be deeply annoying but also fascinating. I agree you need to establish boundries that you are comfortable with though. She needs to find a way through her grief and lonliness that doesn't mean being glued to your side.

It's about her wanting to be in everything, all the time

I feel sorry for her to be honest. She probably really enjoys meeting people who remember her son from years ago. Hearing happy memories probably give her some comfort.