What on earth should I do? Please help...

[TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea]

I really need some advice.

My man has asked me and the children to move in... we have a great relationship, the dc love him to bits and I love him dearly.

He lives approx 50 miles away from me - so it would mean a complete relocation. I'm fine with this, I love where he lives and it's a great place to bring up children.

But here's the thing. DD, who is 13, would be very happy with the situation - she hates where we live, there really is nothing to do for someone of her age, and she has really bonded with boyf - but ds (5) is a different matter. Again, he gets on great with the man - but his Dad lives where I live, doesn't drive, and they're very close, as he is to my ex in-laws.

The idea of even broaching the sugject with exh is making me feel sick. I have no doubt that he will fight for custody - but quite apart from that, morally, I feel like shit.

How can I justify taking my son away from his dad? But by the same token, does that mean that I have to live in this town that I hate, and bring my dc up here - when there is the chance of a much better life for us all?

Please give me some ideas how to tackle this. I'm at a complete loss

I moved country and felt some guilt but knew it was right for me and DD. This is what happens when parents are no longer together. You have to do what is right for you and your children. He can still see plenty of his dad and grandparents if they make an effort to come and see him, and you could go down to them sometimes too. 50 miles is not too far away to maintain a close relationship.
One thing you might miss are family and friends you have in your local area. Always need to think about your support networking wherever you are moving to.

We'll be joint tenants, rabbit. I won't consider moving there until I have a job - I have always worked, and could never contemplate being financially supported by someone else, so that's not an issue - well once I get a job, it isn't

I don't drive. Exh doesn't drive. ExILs don't drive, new man doesn't drive.... but it's an easy journey, about an hour on the train with one change. It's not hard, I've been making the journey with and without the dc for some time.

Thanks for your response, btw.

If you do do it, make sure you have a sure plan to suggest to your 5 year old's father that would make seem less selfish to him. i.e. how often he would be able to see him etc. and for the in laws and that you will make an effort to ensure they continue to have a strong and regular relationship.

I cannot advise you on whether to move, only you can tell whether you think this will last.

Can you not all move to somewhere you like better than your current house, but nearby and with with good access to exh and exILs?

you need to shwo to Ds and his dad that contact would be easy and same as now.

i think you should learn to drive first -unless there is any good reason why you cannot eg medical. you can do a crash course eg two weeks everyday etc - so wihtint a few months you could be driving.

then you would be in better position to tell DS you can drive him to dad's as much as is feasible.

50 miles isn't much, and they can continue to have a good relationship. He can go and stay with daddy for weekends.

hmmm, how long have you known new man?
How often have you seen him since you started dating?

I would be very to move from a long distance relationship to cohabiting, with children, to be honest. It is a big step.

as Blu says - can you not move to a halfway point?
For a year I lived 40 miles from DS dad. I drive, and because of his dad's work commitments I had to do all the running about. DS found that amount of travelling on a weekly basis quite stressful. He was acutely aware of the physical distance between us and struggled with it to be honest. That in turn was very difficult for me to deal with emotionally.

I was totally unprepared for the impact it would have on us all. It was only ever a temporary measure for us. I'm now 20 mins up the road and the change in all of us, but particularly DS is remarkable. He no longer feels 'so far away' from whichever parent he is not with.
My DP now has a longer commute to work, but because we don't have the emotional distress to deal with life in general is much better.

How often does your DS see his dad? My DS is with his dad three days every week, they are very close and even when his dad is busy at work and I have him more the change in his behaviour is noticeable.

I don't mean to sound so against you moving that far, but looking back I wouldn't have moved so far away. I'd have stayed where I was until DP was in a position to move closer so we could live together (and he made a huge sacrifice actually moving 200 miles from where he was when we met)

You need to find a solution to this which suits everyone. If moving halfway isn't possible, and you really think this relationship is for keeps then you will find a way to make it work.

It is a big step, Quint, you're right. But I know it's the right thing to do. I've been seeing him for about a year, we see each other for a couple of days a week, generally.

I was thinking about offering to bring ds back here on the train every Sat morning and picking him up every Sunday night....

The learning to drive thing is fine, I'm happy to try and learn, but I can't afford the lessons or a car at the moment!

I would wait. Spend most of the school hols at his place , with the kids, doing all that train travel at w/e, and see how you get on.

2 return train fares a w/e sounds expensive!

I think a year is not that long, to be uprooting children and taking such a huge step. Could he really not move closer to you?

So at the weekend you would go on the train with your child, so that he can see his dad, then get the train back again? So his dad will have him all weekend, every weekend? So your son won't be able to see his new school friends at the weekend?

Both you and your ex need to learn to drive and need to have cars before you think of moving, in my opinion. If you are the only driver, then you will have to do all the driving. As it is, I think you will be the only one to do the train journeys.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to suggest. Wouldn't it be possible for your new partner to find somewhere to work near you? Couldn't you get somewhere to live together in a nicer area than the one you're in now, so that your daughter (in particular) is happier?

Can't your new partner move to you, then one person is inconvenienced rather than lots of people.

We've considered him moving to me. But there are a few reasons why it would be so much better to move to him. His house is much bigger than mine, the rent is tiny compared to mine, he lives in a lovely village with next to no crime, and he has a career that he can't change at the moment - whereas I live in a really rough area, my house is quite expensive, the schools aren't great, and although I've been at my place of work for 7 years, it's just a job, iyswim.

I know it would be expensive. Blu - probably about the same as it would cost in petrol if I drove, I reckon.

Maybe we should consider a halfway point..... this is hard. I really am only in the very early thinking stages at the moment.

rabbit, that's an excellent idea! And thanks for the positive thinking - in fact thanks to all of you - this is just what I needed, all sorts of different perspectives.

I do know that whatever I propose, exh is going to hit the roof. And be heartbroken. And try for custody. I know all those things. I feel sick at the thought, I don't want to hurt him either - but the way things stand at the moment, he lives just around the corner and is still trying to control me at every turn. It's oppressive and far too local. Another reason for wanting to leave the immediate area, to be fair. But I still hate the thought of hurting him.

so consider what if he did apply for residence and you became the weekend parent?

is there any reason why it couldnt work that way round?
sounds like ds has dad and grandparents who he close to... why not try it the other way round?

I've thought of that too. But I can't leave my son. Yet I expect exh to put up with it. It's a horrible dilemma.

It's not an easy journey to someone that wants to put obstacles in the way though, Justthisone - I find it very easy because I have never driven, always used public transport and am used to traipsing up and down the country

But at the moment.... ds stays overnight with his dad 2/3 nights a week and he lives less than 10 minutes walk away.

Their relationship will dwindle. As life moves on, those train journeys ate going to become a real pain for you. You will be tied to trains. It's not workable really is it?

What if you start a new family?
What if your new job involves a weekend?

I'm guessing your ex is going to make a huge fuss and seek legal advice? Be prepared for him filing a prohibited steps order.

I disagree ILoveTIFFANY - I think it's very workable, if the effort is made on both sides. I appreciate your points obviously - but why should I have to stay static for the next 15 years?