What on earth should I do? Please help...

[TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea]

I really need some advice.

My man has asked me and the children to move in... we have a great relationship, the dc love him to bits and I love him dearly.

He lives approx 50 miles away from me - so it would mean a complete relocation. I'm fine with this, I love where he lives and it's a great place to bring up children.

But here's the thing. DD, who is 13, would be very happy with the situation - she hates where we live, there really is nothing to do for someone of her age, and she has really bonded with boyf - but ds (5) is a different matter. Again, he gets on great with the man - but his Dad lives where I live, doesn't drive, and they're very close, as he is to my ex in-laws.

The idea of even broaching the sugject with exh is making me feel sick. I have no doubt that he will fight for custody - but quite apart from that, morally, I feel like shit.

How can I justify taking my son away from his dad? But by the same token, does that mean that I have to live in this town that I hate, and bring my dc up here - when there is the chance of a much better life for us all?

Please give me some ideas how to tackle this. I'm at a complete loss

Please do not underestimate how important your sons relationship with his father (and GPs) is. Its easy to take for granted, but proximity plays a large part in that.

He's 5 years old, in a few years he will want to spend more of his time with friends and on his own interests but at 5 he will be benefitting SO much from the close relationship with his dad.

I do sympathise with you, im in a very similar situation myself, had a similar thread - got a bit of a roasting - but got some really wise advice which helped me put everything into perspective.

Your ds and his stability really need to come first.

That's exactly my point really, Justthisone. I used to spend every Saturday with my dad, for years and years, he lived about 15 miles away and sometimes we stayed over - but at the time, I was closer emotionally to him than I was to my mother.

I'm a southerner, and moved up north 7 years ago to be with exh - when we split, it would have made sense for me to move back down south to be with my family for support, as I have no family up here. I suspect that would have been understood far more - I think that wanting to move in with my boyfriend puts a whole different spin on it. Does that make sense?

iPaddle, honestly, I really do know that. Precisely why it's so difficult. I want them to be close. They both deserve it.

Where I live... it is the sort of place that is very insular. People live here for ever and never move anywhere else, generation after generation. They marry local people and just... stay. I don't want that for my children - I want them to see how much more there is than stagnating in a small town bored out of their brains.

What did you decide, iPaddle, if you don't mind me asking?

Tbh and you may not want to hear it, I wouldn't be uprooting all your kids and moving 50 miles which is far if you don't drive for a man you see a couple of nights a week.

I know someone who was in this position, disatance was further but they drove, so all relative. 50 miles is a long way if you don't drive and need support.

A year in is very early, a lot of people are still only introducing kids at this stage. When you have disatnce between you and only see each other twice a week, you won't agree but you don't really know each other.

It's all so new, so fresh, so exciting, you don't have time to ruck or see each others real selves as 2 times a week, it's all so romantic, lovers seperated by distance.

He may find the reality of living with you and a teeager and toddler not what he was expecting. You may find the reality is somewhat different to the honeymoon you have now and he is a total twat. Either way when you are away from family and friends, have uprooted your kids and no means of travel, it could be a lonely place.

I know someone who did this, we tried to warn her, the reality may be very different, within the year they split, she had no where to go, eneded up in a hostel and ruined the relationships with her ex. She gave up everything without realising she had yet to experience real life with her bf.

I absolutely know what you're saying, emmylou. This is stuff that is constantly in my head.

However... I'm a bit confused by some of your post. Before a couple live together... how will they know what it's like to live together? Do all couples see each other more than a couple of times a week before they take that step?

It's all a risk. Counting my dc out of it, it's always a risk, emotionally, isn't it?

And I understand what you mean about 50 miles being a long way from support - but I don't have any support now! And I'm 200 miles from my family.

Thanks, emmylou, appreciate all this, I promise.

Why not as a poster suggested stay over for extended periods over the school holidays. See what happens, say look at it after you have had a couple of half terms, Easter and the nightmare of the summer holiday.

Make arrangements for the end of the summer, new school year, new school. If towards then end of the summer, everything is still fine, then great, it's what I'd do in your situation tbh.

last post suggestion for "trials" over holidays is good - but why not consider that DS stays with dad and you become the wekeend parent?

if it gonna be v easy to manage visits - as suggested by others - then why isnt that a solution? as you say you shouldnt remain static - and this is your life - but you dont mention any welfare concerns etc with dad so why could DS not live with dad and visit with you?

yes i am being devils advocate here - but you say DS v close with dad - so why shouldnt he stay with him? and you become the weekend parent?

I don't think you should do it. Or rather I wouldn't do it, no way.

It's not fair on ds, or his father. Your new relationship may break down, you've only known him a year. Living with someone is very different from having a relationship in separate homes - you have no idea if it will work out or not.

I'd get him to move nearer, no matter on all the circumstances etc.

Your dc's stability is paramount here.

what about your dd??

schooling etc.....he could use this as a reason to keep you all where you are. you've already said he's controlling.

when do you plan to put this to him?

and do you really think the travel by public transport,almost every weekend,will not eventually become a chore?

My dd is not his, ILoveTIFFANY. And he has had no contact with her since we split.

I have no idea, to be honest. It's going to take a lot of thinking.

Of course it would become a chore, I'm sure - but I'm going to learn to drive asap, so that it would only need to be a temporary measure.

proudnscary - you are right of course - but as I said earlier in the thread, who ever knows if it's going to work out? I've known people get married after 6 weeks that are still together 30 years later. My dad lived with his ex wife for 17 years - got married, and 2 years later they were divorced.

Could you run a trial of living together whereby your partner comes to live with you for a month or two (if he's able to take time off and/or commute?). That way you'd both be able to see if the 4 of you got on ok full-time as a family. It would also show your ex that you're being slow and careful about any upcoming changes and give you time to discuss things before any drastic changes are made.

It's very difficult. I sympathise, DS's father lives near me and pretty much stops talking to me every time he thinks I'm dating , dread to think of his reaction if I ever moved in with someone.

I don't think there's a right answer - it's a dilemma where someone always doesn't get what they want. Either you compromise on living where you want with your dp or your ds compromises on his good relationship with his Dad.

I'm really not one to comment as I moved in with dh after only about a year, moving area with 2 dcs, but only about 10 miles. Somehow I feel life is too short, and that if you take no risks, you might live to regret it. But the impact on ds could be negative and your ex might take a hard line and make things difficult. None of this can be predicted!

Maybe you need to compromise on the area you live in and try to get the best of both worlds - living together in a bit better area but not hugely far from his Dad - 10-15 miles is totally manageable esp if you learn to drive? I think the 50 miles every weekend will become a huge drag very quickly and could very well decrease in frequency. I now have to transport dc's to their Dad 1.5 hours each way - due to him moving away -I'm prepared to do it but it completely destroys a whole day of the weekend.