DH taking the piss in mornings. Need help to avoid row.

[fruitstick]

DH normally pulls his weight with cooking, kids etc. However mornings are useless and I need a way of explaining this to him without it becoming a row or me nagging him.

Mornings tend to go like this.

DH gets up when his alarm goes off (never before) and makes tea. Brings both cups back to bed. Although this sounds lovely, I often have children clambering over me and wreaking havoc.

DH then gets up and gives DC their breakfast while I have shower. During this time he makes himself fresh coffee, has breakfast and reads magazine.

He then goes off for shower whilst I get DC ready fir childminder and school, clear breakfast things away, do school run. He is often still getting ready as I leave despite having 45 minutes ! I don't have breakfast until I get back.

I currently work part time and from home so this really isn't a problem most of the time. However this morning I had to leave for a meeting at 8:15. I asked DH if he could take Dc to school but he said no, he had to leave early. He says this every time I ask.

So I arranged with childminder to take them. However we all left AT THE SAME TIME this morning with me having run around like a blue arsed fly all morning whilst he swanned about as normal.

Am I being unreasonable? If I say anything, he will say that he makes the tea and gives them their breakfast but in reality, he just insists on the same routine he had before DC except he now has com

Sorry, that should be
now has company at breakfast.

He basically lies to get out of school run, knowing I will have to manage regardless.

It's not great, but you say he pulls his weight elsewhere and at other times. If you genuinely feel that this is the only time/place in which he is selfish, is the rest of the relationship good enough to accept that he just doesn't do mornings? Is there something you could trade off against it eg a set evening a week for you to go out?

Probably a good way to look at it would be to make alist of what he does/what you do and how much free time/'me' time each of you gets as a good way of seeing clearly how fari, or not, your current set up is. This might help you decide whether to let go of the morning issue, or whether you need to pull him up about a general level of selfishness and living as though he is the 'person' and the one whose needs take priority.

On the face of it YABU

You have a cup of tea in bed
He makes the DCs breakfast

What sbg said regarding a list then you can see if not doing the school run is really an issue.

sgb sorry

full of cold

I do see what you mean BUT on the other hand he is doing some things which is a step in the right direction. I suppose you have to build on that, and I would insist particularly in sharing the school run (forget everything else)- sit him down & have a chat about him doing the school run twice a week (to start with).

The other thing is that for some people (me included ) having a proper breakfast & coffee/tea is necessary in order to start the day calmly. Personally I can't even function without my morning cup of coffee & breakfast, while DP goes without breakfast & is fine.

Not sure it this helps, just my thoughts. Your DH sounds like a nice guy, by the way, despite the problems.

Silly question I know, but why would he get up before the alarm goes off? I don't!

I personally think YABU. He makes you tea in bed and gives the dc breakfast? That's pretty reasonable, surely?

He sounds like an absolute treasure tbh and I wouldn't rock the boat.

I've always worked pt and dh has always just got himself organised and out the door. It would have been different if I'd been f/t.

I think what the OP is frustrated about is her dh's lack of flexibility and agreement about sharing the morning burdens. Ok he does SOMETHING (for which is seems we must be eternally grateful ) but its all on his terms. Its clearly possible for him to do the school run occasionally, and paying for childcare instead, because he won't change his routine, is utterly ridiculous.

Sounds like this is / should be less an argument about mornings in general (when it seems you are both contributing in different ways) and more about the insanity of paying for childcare when he could take the kids to school with a bit of rearrangement. Or at least explain that on a morning when you are leaving earlier, you would appreciate it if he did a bit more.

Thank you all. Duly noted.

I think my frustration is that everything he does is 'if he has time'. He will never commit to drop off or pick up. Would never take day off if DC were ill. It all had to fit into his routine with as little inconvenience as possible. My life, on the other hand has been turned upside down and everything has to slot around DC.

He has been made redundant a few times in his career and has worked for some pretty unsympathetic bosses so I understand his focus on his job. We rely on his income but could manage without mine.

I just feel that sometimes this is used as an excuse not to share responsibilty for DC when in actual fact he is more than able.

Am going to talk to him about school run, even if it is only to drop off at CM.

In the light of the usual routine, he's probably doing his share (?). Sounds like your issue is that he's being passively resistant by telling a kind of lie, and implying he had to leave before you. As things go generally, he is doing a fair bit - he's just not being entirely honest with you. I really do get this, I hate being fibbed to as well.

Maybe the key here is planning - rather than springing it on him (don't know if you did), bring it up with him at least 24 hrs beforehand if poss. And if you both need to 'leave early' (ahem) on the same morning again, share responsibility the night before to get everything ready (clothes ready/lunches/kids' bag, etc.) So it's easier to get going in the morning.

And if it really is possible for the childminder to take over something to save you both some work, then maybe plan for that instead?

I do hear what you're saying about partners sometimes wanting to have their lives pretty much the same as before DCs.. that attitude in general can be maddening. However, look at what needs doing in the mornings, and how much time there is to do it in. Get him to discuss it with you, his job is not necessarily more important than yours.

By the jobs importance thing, I mean it means something to both of you to turn up there on time and be fully present. Regardless of the hours you actually. And you say you could do without your income.. but actually I bet you'd both miss it.

It's a huge co-ordination feat, to balance work and DCs. Sounds you've done all the accommodating here, bet he wasn't the one to find the childminder, go and look, etc. Or was he?

Sounds a lot like our set-up and I have just had to come to terms with the fact that my job is expendable while his isn't at present.

It feels a bit crap but I know that if roles were reversed, it would be the same (ie the p/t person with responsibility for school runs etc).

Most of the time, my DH has left by 6am anyway, so I have to get up earlier for a shower or do it the night before. Without wanting to piss you off, you're doing quite well getting shower time!

However, having said that I agree that dropping the kids at school on the odd occasion would be helpful and not that big a stretch. I think my DH has said he can't in the past because he's actually a bit nervous about it, ie knowing where to go and what to do etc. Could that be a factor?

Mind you, at least my DH has made sure he leaves early, not pottering around like your DH!

Have a friendly chat about it.

No, DH has never had input into childcare.

When I went back to work after Ds1, DH worked from home so I did dropoff on my way as I was driving past and he technically didn't need to leave the house. Now the tables have turned somewhat I still do it because I work from home and can be flexible .

I am also freelance so I consider it even more important that I look on the ball as they are paying me by the day!

I might start claiming I need to get an earlier train. I do plan in advance but I suppose I ask rather than tell. Maybe I just need to tell him he needs to plan round it. He manages it for his car MOT!

I hear you fruitstick! I am currently being driven wild (more in jealously than frustration) by the fact that DH can blithely swan in an hour later from work that I was expecting him, whereas my entire life is governed by the fact that I have to be somewhere at a particular time, to collect the DCs! However, I know that he works hard, and is very busy so my feelings are more a frustration at how my life has changed and his hasn't. Who knows - maybe he wishes his had changed

Sounds fine to me, except for the part about refusing to do the school run once in a blue moon. I presume you're paying the childminder extra to do this? Have you pointed out to him how much his refusal costs?

They are his children too, why the fuck shouldn't he take responsibility for getting them to school sometimes. Just becuase you are part time and you bring less money in to the family pot, doesn't mean that sometimes you have important things on work than means you have to be in early. YANBU

Well, the children are 50% his. So, for the hours outside commuting and work time for you both, the responsibilities are half his. The issue here is surely that he hasn't discussed this with you and made a joint decision.. he can't just bugger off when he feels like it. Best to have a chat - I recommend waiting til a moment when you're not feeling hopping mad. I find if I bring up something with DH when furious, it nearly always goes badly.

If he decides he can't split the child-related work evenly with you in the mornings, then he can do more at another time (e.g. evenings/take them out regularly at the weekend)?

If it doesn't feel fair to you, then talk to him, split down the tasks.
But I also think you should just be thankful for what he does do. They don't all do it!!

I know this sound a bit of an excuse but I think allot of men struggle to change routine at the drop of a hat - My DH is great with the kids and does most of the cooking but is crap when things change suddenly.

I love SGB's advice. I always think it's eally nice and fair and reasonable.

That was all really!

I think he is taking the piss with the school run issue. I would leave for work ahead of him one day saying "your turn for the school run" as I left.

Coukd you give him more notice re the meeting/school run thing?

Ha ha.
Oh I wish MY DH would even get up in the damn morning !! Let alone make me tea !
Currently I am the only one working as his contract has ended and he seems to think it means he gets a lie in every morning now ! So I am 14 weeks pg and work full time. I get up, get dressed, wake the girls up ( age 7 and 8 ) get them sorted, pack their lunch boxes and drop them at school before heading to work. All while he is still in bed !
I have asked and asked for DH to get up in the mornings and help me. He says he will but I have to " wake him up as he doesnt just ping awake " !! I have tried waking him but he usually mutters grumpily or stomps about in a huff once he is up so frankly its just easier to leave him asleep !
He starts a college course next week before he returns back to work so heaven help us in the mornings when he HAS to wake up !!

Pah men........