DH taking the piss in mornings. Need help to avoid row.

[fruitstick]

DH normally pulls his weight with cooking, kids etc. However mornings are useless and I need a way of explaining this to him without it becoming a row or me nagging him.

Mornings tend to go like this.

DH gets up when his alarm goes off (never before) and makes tea. Brings both cups back to bed. Although this sounds lovely, I often have children clambering over me and wreaking havoc.

DH then gets up and gives DC their breakfast while I have shower. During this time he makes himself fresh coffee, has breakfast and reads magazine.

He then goes off for shower whilst I get DC ready fir childminder and school, clear breakfast things away, do school run. He is often still getting ready as I leave despite having 45 minutes ! I don't have breakfast until I get back.

I currently work part time and from home so this really isn't a problem most of the time. However this morning I had to leave for a meeting at 8:15. I asked DH if he could take Dc to school but he said no, he had to leave early. He says this every time I ask.

So I arranged with childminder to take them. However we all left AT THE SAME TIME this morning with me having run around like a blue arsed fly all morning whilst he swanned about as normal.

Am I being unreasonable? If I say anything, he will say that he makes the tea and gives them their breakfast but in reality, he just insists on the same routine he had before DC except he now has com

Sounds as though he feels that by doing the tea in bed and giving the children the breakfast he has done his fair share, but then sometimes that's not the bit you want him to do.

Could the underlying issue be that you feel he places no value on the work you do, and he won't change his contribution to family life in a way that helps you with your job when necessary, even though the vast majority of the time you have to be flexible around his job and the children's schedule? (We have been in this position in the past so I do sympathise!)

I'd say that you do need to discuss a more workable morning routine. It strikes me that you'd all benefit from knocking the lie-in cup of tea on the head to gain a bit of time, and having breakfast all together with a no-reading-at-the-table rule. You can then divide the jobs fairly evenly while taking it in turns to shower. If you know that you have to be out early for work, and you give him advance notice, then it is perfectly reasonable to expect him to do the school run, especially if you are around long enough to lend a hand in the morning.

"Listen Buster, the next time I need you to do the school run don't bother giving any bullshit about having to leave early. We left at the same time this morning, but you put me under massive pressure by pretending you needed to leave early.

We're a team, that means sometimes we have to do things we don't like in order to help each other out."

spidookly, loving your work

Doesn't the division of responsibility in the morning also depend if you are a morning person.

I am far more efficient than DH in the mornings. I am rubbish at late nights. He'll be doing all the late pick ups when they are teenagers!

Spidookly rocks. OP my DH is a bit like yours although we only have one DS. I rush around in the morning making sure DS is dressed, pack lunch packed, something out of freezer for tea, DH gets up has incredibly long shower, chews muesli inordinately slowly, talks about inane stuff on Radio 4 and is generally relaxed. I work 4 days a week and we both leave the house at the same time each day as DS in preschool. If i remind DH he will get DS dressed occasionally but its pretty much my responsibility. Why on earth should the OP be grateful that her husband does his share, I hate all this ooh some people need to digest and get up gradually in the morning rubbish, thats a luxury when you have children not a god given right.

Do he makes a cup of tea and some breakfast and that means he can swan around with fresh coffee and a magazine while you run around like a blue arse fly? I think not.

Next time you need to leave early, don't ask him to take them to school just say you can't do it and he'll have to. If he says he needs to go early, just tell him tough titty...he'll have to sort out the childminder then won't he.

I find that my DH is a creature of habit and responds best to a routine. Normally this is fine as he does pretty well what I want need him to do but he has trouble adjusting his routine especially if it's a last-minute thing.

I know how annoying it is but it seems men cannot think on their feet and adapt as quickly as we have to do.

Sorry that's probably not much help but that's what came to mind.

I never used to be a morning person .

I have told DH that I am getting an earlier train next week whilst he had his calendar open. He huffed and puffed that he needed more notIce and that it was convenient.

I just said thank you.

I think he does quite a lot really.

He sounds like he does a decent amount, but that doesn't mean he isn't being self-indulgent over this particular issue. If you do the school run most of the time, and he could accommodate it, then on occasions where you need to go out early he should definitely pitch in.

The way to go is definitely just to say you are leaving early on a particular day and do it. You have to be prepared to act on it though, and not give in and ring the childminder or rearrange your stuff - just leave him to do it and head on out. If the DC are late for school, well, that reflects on him, not you.

Randyrussian I think quite a few men have skilfully cultivated this impression of being slow to adapt to get an easier life. Bet they would adapt to a new routine pretty quickly if they won the lottery or were offered a bonus day off work that day, etc.

Maybe if you 'have to' go away for a week he'll realise exactly what is required to get everyone out the door in the morning and might come round to doing his share once you come back!

at inbetweener! How have you got yourself into THAT arrangement?! Imagine if the situation was reversed and YOU were the SAHM lying in bed while he rushed round with the kids then went out to do a full days' work. Either he's very depressed or he's a completely selfish bastard!

(sorry, OP, but was so flabbergasted at what inbetweener is doing that I just had to comment.)

Oh, and don't say "Pah, men..." You should be saying "Pah, my lazy-arsed husband!"

Oh well if you are both naturally 'owls' rather than 'larks' then it is not on.

"I never used to be a morning person"

Me neither :o

DH and I are both owls, but I've definitely adapted to being forced into larkism better than he.

Chivvying him along in the morning is irritating, but I know he can't help it.

Something physiological happened to me when I had babies that made me sleep less soundly and wake up more easily in response to noise. It didn't happen to him, so he really struggled to adapt.

I work from home and do everything in te mornng...Why did you not ask DH in advance about your meeting?

Fruitstick - I have exactly the same problem here. DH often works from home too and i have to really push him to take DD2 to the CM so i don't have to do DD1's school run, then the CM in the opposite direction and not get back until 10am to start my 'oh so flexible freelance work'.
I do sometimes have to go to London for meetings, but i will drop DD2 off at 7am and then go, so he only has to do the school run.
He was going to have to do both this week as i was working away (for the first time) but it has been canx. It will be interesting to see the reaction when he does have to cope with it ALL for 2 day

Well done for diarising next week. Hope all goes well

Blimey. Our morning routine goes something like this. I get up when alarm goes off, have shower, dress, then make sure ds is up. He gets himself ready now (he is 10) but when he was younger I would have helped him every morning. I then go downstairs, make ds's breakfast and my own, and empty dishwasher (although again, ds often helps with this now). Then make sure ds has everything he needs for school, tidy away breakfast things, make sure ds has cleaned teeth etc. Then take ds to school. Meanwhile dh usually gets up after me, has shower, gets dressed, comes downstairs, pours tea (out of pot I have already made) makes and eats breakfast, then often sits around watching tv. Then leaves house, having left dirty plate, cup, breadboard and crumbs and butter dish with lid off on worktop.

I'd be quite pleased if he would make tea/get ds's breakfast. I'm not complaining that I have it hard, as I only have one child who is very easy to cope with. And I don't think it's just that dh isn't a morning person, he just doesn't see what needs doing. For example if at the weekend, dh comes downstairs before me, he will often get his own breakfast, but not offer any to ds who is also downstairs. I just think he lives in his own bubble sometimes and doesn't notice anyone else!

So I can't really advise the OP, but do sympathise!

I am a bit at the advice on this thread and the general 'oh well you should be grateful he does something' tone.

I'm glad you've collared him for next week, clearly it is just something he feels he shouldn't have to do - and your job is to make him see the error of his ways

For a start, however long it is that you get in the shower etc in the morning, tell him that is how long he gets and no longer so that you get a chance to have some breakfast.

Of course he sees what needs doing, he just can't be arsed doing it because he has as skivvy to do it for him - as in YOU.

It's not 'pah, men' you should be thinking, but 'Grr, Misogyny!' Because what else could it be when these men who allegedly love you sit about playing with themselves while you do all the work in the mornings/anything to do with the DC? Men like this think that they are the people in their households, and that their needs come first, and somehow, if you really believe this 'Pah, men, they can't help it' bullshit then they have convinced you of it, too. WHen it's bullshit. You are not your partner's servant just because he has The Cock.

I replied to the OP's first post suggesting she work out if her relationship was fair in other aspects (because there's no point in trying to force someone to do one thing they hate when it might be better trading it off for something else) but the more she posts the more it seems like this is yet another selfish knobber who thinks his wife is basically inferior to him.

Hear, hear, SGB!

I do everything usually in the mornings, and then go off and do a day's work (well, school hours, that is) and pick kids up. I set my alarm to go off before they are awake so I can get myself ready before I see to them.

I do this because hard-working DH works stupid hours and is usually well up and gone before I get up at 6.45am. When occasionally he is here when the kids get up (because he's finishing late so therefore starting late) he does not think to himself "Oh, I'm going to lie here and enjoy myself seeing as I'm working late tonight - while DW runs round like usual on her own". He gets off his lovely arse, helps me with the kids - getting them dressed, breakfasts, packed lunch, teeth, hair, shoes, coats etc. THEN he has his shower when we've gone on the school run. He sees it as a chance to see the kids as a lot of days he hardly sees them as he's working. And he also sees it as a chance to take a bit of the morning pressure off me. Because he is a lovely, considerate person.

OP, why can't YOURS do that? Ask him.

I don't mean he does ALL of the things that the kids need in the morning - I meant we share those tasks between us. Teamwork, innit?!