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Original poster

It is all about sex or is it?

34 replies

Theturnaround · 19/01/2011 12:00

Basic info - age 45 -married 23 years. 3 kids 15, 11, 9

Problem - on verge of separating but not sure whether right thing to do especially after all these years and 3 kids who very much love their dad but equally who are aware that things between mum and dad are not right!

Sex life never brilliant before kids as H has always had much higher sex drive than me but since child 3 things have got so bad that the relationship has basically been going down the toilet........

I cannot perform to the expected level and as a result have pretty much withdrawn from any kind of physical contact with H as any sign of affection from me leads to him expecting sex. Have talked and talked to him about this but he denies it to be the case and holds my lack of affection against me. He then withholds affection but still expects a shag, a BJ, handjob whenever he wants. Feel like a prostitute and have told him this but he says that he is my H and that I should be keeping him happy in that department as that is what wives do.

I have built up so much anger and resentment that I do not know what to do. I don't have a problem with sex but wish I could have some love and affection without the pressure for sex. Once or twice a week would be ok not three or four times.........

Do you think that I have a low sex drive ? Or is he oversexed ?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 19/01/2011 12:02

I think he's a prick for saying you have to keep him happy but he refuses to consider you're happiness Hmm

You sound really worn down and resentful with providing this service and he sounds like he confuses affection with sex - perhaps consider counselling if other aspects of your relationship are good?

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 19/01/2011 12:02

your happiness, not 'you're'

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 12:14

What a tosser Shock He actually said that, it was your job to keep him happy in bed?

Have you tried therapy? Do you feel in your heart he can change? And your own lack of sex drive, do you want to sort that, improve it?

Original poster
Theturnaround · 19/01/2011 12:23

No this has been affecting our relationship for years and it is now so bad that we are considering trial split. Already had councelling but did not work.

He is of the opionion that I have many unresolved issues (won't tell me what though as that is for me to work out)
FFS he is the one with issues ! For example he gets stressed with his job, the kids, the noise and chaotic life with a family , he gets angry with me as he does not feel fulfilled with me - he says that he wants more of me than I give to him.

We used to be soul mates and best friends but now all we seem to do is argue and disagree with each other and always about the same thing - my lack of sexual desire. He wants me to instigate sex but the urge is not there for me cos he keeps hounding me for it.

Told him if he just backs off and gives me time to want it then that might help but he can only wait a couple of days and is back on my case!

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 12:27

Sad I don't blame you for losing your sex drive. It's such a total turn off to be pestered for sex, constantly. It never feels like you they want, just it.

Does he realise this marriage will end becuase of this?

Original poster
Theturnaround · 19/01/2011 12:34

He knows how I feel about it and does not want to separate really and it is me that has suggested it. I feel that if he can't be happy with me and that if he is so unhappy about his lack of sex life then he should go.

However he is a good dad and kids love him and he does not want to go. Suppose in my heart I don't want to break the family up and am looking for advice on how to get this back on track?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/01/2011 12:34

It sounds like you have a normal sex drive, but he's not making you feel loved/secure enough to want it. Having sex demanded as some kind of duty is really not a turn on.

I've said this before on this issue - major problems over sex drive differences are usually a symptom of something else. Clearly it worked at one point, or you wouldn't have got together in the first place. Unless he's just under the illusion that the amount of sex you had in the "honeymoon period" was going to last forever - in which case he's being selfish (and deluded!) but either way, it doesn't sound like he's being very understanding, it sounds like he sees sex as a right and that you being married is some kind of contract which means he is entitled to it whenever he wants. Which is not what sex is about IMO :(

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 12:38

It sounds like he has never really adjusted to being a family man, with noisy kids. If he gets stressed about them making noise, about work, he is likely looking at sex as a way of relieving that stress. And hence, he wants it every day.

What he needs to do is learn ways of destressing, and if he does, you both will see sex similar to the past. For pleasure and to show your love.

He sounds rather selfish, having three kids is bound to be noisy and chaotic and he made them, does he think they should sit quiet in a room while he beds you every night? Shock

Original poster
Theturnaround · 19/01/2011 13:02

I know I have tried explaining all that but like hitting my head against a brick wall! He is one of lives always "mr right". Apparantly he expects no more than any other man and that I have the intamicy issue not him!

He releases stress by running and meditation so he says and thinks sex at this level is the norm and that I have the problem not him.

He gets grumpy with me and kids if he goes more than a couple of days without sex. I do it to keep the peace but he knows that and then moans that I don't seem to want it and that makes him feel unloved. Can't win whatever I do

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/01/2011 13:22

Yes exactly - compromise won't work in that you don't really want it, so you feel used, and he can tell you're not really into it, so it's unsatisfying for him. You need to identify and fix the underlying problem, and the sex will fix itself.

So really, it's not about sex. Or he'd be happy with you putting out when you didn't want to - it's actually a good sign that he isn't happy with this, in a way, although he still shouldn't be demanding it, maybe he just doesn't know what else to do, or has an expectation that the way he's going about it is the right way - but you both aren't happy.

It sounds like what he is missing is the closeness, intimacy and connection that you experienced from sex in the beginning of the relationship. So what are you missing from the relationship? Does he listen to you, offer emotional support etc? Do you still have fun together like you used to? I think you need to impose a total ban on sex (for a while) and start again, "court" each other, explore and find ways of getting that closeness without sex. Do you ever get to go out together? Share a bath, or something like that?

Original poster
Theturnaround · 19/01/2011 13:37

Hi BB - thanks for advice. Your comments about connection etc sound like you are my H as he has said them all before!

As I said I have suggested a sex ban to run alongside a "courting period". By that I mean cuddles, kisses, a movie, a massage, etc but I feel that I need a clear time scale so I can relax and get back into him if you know what I mean? I have suggested a month before and he has on numerous occassions agreed and then after a few days he wants sex again! I point out that this is not what we agreed and he says he can't help it if he fancies me so much and so it continues........

Quite frankly I am worn out with it all - just can't seem to get him to understand how to change this broken marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
Theturnaround · 19/01/2011 14:49

just wanted to add that H just came home unexpectidly as he was at a meeting locally and came home for a quick day time shag whilst kids at school! I suggested a nice bit of homemade soup for a nice little lunch together instead but he just said stick the soup wheres the passion?

He then stormed out saying "nice one you've done it again" !!!!

OMG I am in shock - what a twat!

Really makes me want to shag him (NOT)

OP posts:
batman47555 · 19/01/2011 14:57

perhaps he should have sent you a few suggestive texts first!!!
sounds like 2 minds not thinking alike!

Acanthus · 19/01/2011 15:05

Ew that would drive me mad. Just about to sit down with my soup and in storms Mr Shag Me. No chance dearie!

What gives him the idea that you should like nothing better than to shag him at every opportunity? And does he ever sort himself out, take the pressure off a bit (in more ways than one)?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/01/2011 15:57

It doesn't sound like he sees you as a person at all, but as a receptacle and a performer. This behaviour is bullying.

Out of interest, has his sex drive increased in recent months/years and when did he start withholding affection and setting you tests that he knew you wouldn't or couldn't comply with, like today's lunch?

BertieBotts · 19/01/2011 17:18

Lol, no last time I checked I was female, but DS' dad had a disturbingly similar attitude... now my ex. We had other issues than the sex thing, a lack of respect/controlling nature generally, mainly. I really didn't get it for ages, until I was in a new relationship where the sex was really good and did have that connection/intimacy, that I understood why it was such a big deal. But as I said it will be caused by something underlying. Having more sex isn't going to make that sex connected sex. You both need to feel comfortable and happy and supported for that to happen.

He just sounds like he's being really selfish. He agrees the situation needs to change, as you're both unhappy, but what is he doing to try and change it? Apart from badgering you for sex, which you've told him multiple times makes things WORSE, not better, and doesn't even work - it just leads to sex you don't really want which is not only horribly disrespectful to you, you say it's not what he wants either as it still makes him feel unwanted. And you say he "tried" to go along with your no sex plan, but lasts a few days, which is, TBH, a bit pathetic. Does he go around propositioning women at work, in the street, etc? I bet he doesn't, even if he does "really fancy" them.

And yet in this thread alone you've listed two different ways you have tried to compromise - firstly doing it when you're not really up for it, and secondly trying to get the connection back in other ways, both of which require a lot more effort than the things he has tried.

ItsGraceAgain · 19/01/2011 17:35

God, no, he's not 'oversexed', he's an over-entitled, selfish bully Angry

You've done everything you 'should' and more than most women would. How dare he punish his family with his grumpiness, in order to force your legs open?

I know you're looking for a resolution to this, but I can't see how. What you're basically saying is he doesn't give a stuff about your feelings or what you want. I see that as a big problem - you can't make someone care when they don't.

What's he threatened you with, in terms of 'getting it elsewhere', etc? How does he react if you say "OK then"?

Original poster
Theturnaround · 24/01/2011 22:45

Suggested the sex drought for one month whilst we bring back the friendship, closeness, general feeling of soul mates etc

Lasted 3 days and spent yesterday being critisized for eberything I said. You know really petty comments but ones that "hit" where they were supposed to. Ones that left an atmosphere. Got worse during the day so when kids went to bed I thought I would ask him what was up. He got really angry with me and told me to stop attacking him. Feel really pissed off as this is always what he says when I want to talk about how he treats me

Moody bastard just wish he could go off and have an affair so MN's let me know if you know any slim, brunette, clever sex mad ladies looking for lust as I know man who could oblige

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/01/2011 00:09

My earlier post was curious about whether he is already having an affair OP, hence the questions I posed. A lot of the behaviour you describe has infidelity written all over it.

moocowme · 25/01/2011 11:15

does he do a lot of porn? and as asked before why cant he fix himself from time to time?

Original poster
Theturnaround · 25/01/2011 14:58

Sorry if I just about to ramble but I have been Reading through some other threads as new to MN and just realized that H may be an Emotional/verbal abuser and am now really upset!

I sadly thought that most men are "the boss" in the home and that women do kind of follow their man if you know what I mean? My life is full of put downs, critical comments, silence, unkind words, god what an idiot I have been. Now I know why he is not happy in the bedroom department! I am never going to be good enough for him. He is a bully, a little boy really, happy to be the big man at home. Bet he doesn't talk to people at work like he talks to me

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 25/01/2011 16:15

Horrid, horrid realisation. You must be feeling shell-shocked.

Could be the start of a whole, better life for you, though :) Also, think of how your DCs have assimilated yours & H's assumptions about gender roles in relationships ...

... I have a feeling you may be about to 'break the cycle'. I hope so! Well done.

becklesparkle · 25/01/2011 16:35

I worry that I may be you in 10 years time Sad It sounds awful, I agree with what others have said, it is not right that he withold affection whilst expecting sex (DH has never been affectionate if there is no chance of it leading to sex). Being sniped at because you don't open your legs everytime he suggests it (eg the lunch thing) and moaning that you don't initiate it makes you feel even less like any kind of intimacy! I think it is more to do with them not being the centre of your attention any more than about sex, they don't like the fact that the children/house/work come first.

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/01/2011 16:45

He's a complete prick and your lack of interest in sex is totally understandable. He's spent years treating you as a combination of domestic applicance and fuckhole, no wonder you have lost all affection and respect for him. Given that his response to all your suggestions to fix the relationship is 'shut up and be fucked' I don't think the relatinship is fixable TBH. But remember HE is the person with the problem and it is HIS behaviour that has ruined the relationship.

KikiJane · 25/01/2011 16:52

So is nobody thinking about how rejected he must be feeling? I hate this "men always want sex, women just oblige them from time to time" mindset that tends to come from women in long-term relationships/marriage. This type of thing is what scares me about any kind of long-term commitment. I never want my relationship to turn into this.