It is all about sex or is it?

[Theturnaround]

Basic info - age 45 -married 23 years. 3 kids 15, 11, 9

Problem - on verge of separating but not sure whether right thing to do especially after all these years and 3 kids who very much love their dad but equally who are aware that things between mum and dad are not right!

Sex life never brilliant before kids as H has always had much higher sex drive than me but since child 3 things have got so bad that the relationship has basically been going down the toilet........

I cannot perform to the expected level and as a result have pretty much withdrawn from any kind of physical contact with H as any sign of affection from me leads to him expecting sex. Have talked and talked to him about this but he denies it to be the case and holds my lack of affection against me. He then withholds affection but still expects a shag, a BJ, handjob whenever he wants. Feel like a prostitute and have told him this but he says that he is my H and that I should be keeping him happy in that department as that is what wives do.

I have built up so much anger and resentment that I do not know what to do. I don't have a problem with sex but wish I could have some love and affection without the pressure for sex. Once or twice a week would be ok not three or four times.........

Do you think that I have a low sex drive ? Or is he oversexed ?

Kikjane: she has told him repeatedly that if he would make more effort and put less pressure on her she would feel less reluctant. She's not just shutting him out and refusing to discuss the issue.
He on the other hand is displaying no interest in her feelings, no interest in trying to reach a solution that suits them both, but simply bullying her to meet his needs unquestioningly.

And maybe he has told her that if she would just give it a go, he'd put less pressure on her in future? Sounds like a stalemate situation to me.

KJ, please read the OP's posts to this thread.

I do it to keep the peace but he knows that and then moans that I don't seem to want it and that makes him feel unloved.

any sign of affection from me leads to him expecting sex. Have talked and talked to him about this but he denies it to be the case and holds my lack of affection against me. He then withholds affection but still expects a shag, a BJ, handjob whenever he wants

H just came home unexpectidly as he was at a meeting locally and came home for a quick day time shag whilst kids at school! I suggested a nice bit of homemade soup for a nice little lunch together instead but he just said stick the soup wheres the passion? He then stormed out saying "nice one you've done it again" !!!!

She's even tried the recommended route of regaining physical intimacy (stepped touching) - he lasted 3 days, then took it out on her and his kids :(

Kikijane -whilst you are entitled to your opinion quite frankly you do not understand where I am in this. I do not know how old you are, how long you have been with someone, whether or not you have children. All I know about is me!

It really is very difficult to keep your man as top dog when you have 3 children, a job and a home to run. I do my very best for all my family but it is so hard to give your all to everyone all of the time. I have loved my H for nearly 30 years and still do. I just do not like him much at the moment!

I am sorry if he feels neglected. But that does not excuse the behaviour that I have been subjected to over the past couple of years.

I feel neglected too you know.....I would like a little love and respect. Is that too much to ask?

sigh

I did read them. It's just with anecdotes such as these, it's (obviously) going to only tell one side of the story. His side would likely be very different, and would probably include how unwanted he feels except for when it's bill-paying time (or time to cut the grass, or whatever).

Seriously, if I was having sex and all physical intimacy withheld from me, and my partner offered me "a nice bit of homemade soup" to make up for it, I can't imagine I'd be too happy either.

Don't get me wrong -- I've been in the OP's situation. I'm pretty sure I thought at the time that he was in the wrong and I was right and vindicated. But with hindsight (and a divorce, instigated by me), maybe I could have tried harder. The divorce was the right thing, though (obviously there were other issues in the mix, too), and it sounds to me like the OP's relationship has also reached a pretty much unfixable state.

Kikijane, but he's not even having to do without sex. His wife is putting up with being fucked at least once a week by the sound of it because he nags and bullies and threatens until she gives in, then complains that she doesn't show much enthusiasm.

FWIW I agree that it is selfish and unkind to withold all sex and affection from a partner and just expect them to put up with it. But this is not what's happening here. The OP has tried to reach a compromise with her H but he is refusing to engage in any way with the idea that he might treat her as a human being and consider her feelings - he just wants to fuck her and spunk in her.
No wonder she's got no enthusiasim for the prospect.

I suppose that's the problem with on line advice forums no one really knows what is going on. Possibly the people that post are offering advice based on their own experiences or possibly some offer advice based on what they perceive to be the root cause of the problem. Neither is 100% correct because the poster does not know either person or the complete picture. What I have learnt from my limited knowledge of MN is that most people who post appear to speak wise words. Most posters appear genuinely concerned for the people whose post they read and take the time to constructively offer help or words of support. I have learnt a lot from MN over the last couple of weeks-enough to learn that my relaitionship is not right and that I am not being treated with love and respect and kindness. I have not posted on here what exactly I have been putting up with but I know for sure it is not right.

I will endeavour over the next few months to sort my head out as I finally see how unhappy we both are. Just not sure where to start?

You're absolutely correct, of course, that you aren't being treated with respect and kindness. All I'm trying to say is that your husband probably feels the same, albeit that he is going the wrong way about showing it.

I know exactly how this feels. Really, I do. But the thought of my current relationship turning out like this terrifies me into working hard on ensuring it never does.

And FWIW, StuffingGoldBrass, "withold[ing] all sex and affection from a partner and just expect[ing] them to put up with it." is exactly what's happening here. The reasons may be assumed to be valid, but that doesn't mean it's not what is happening.

Forgot to say, good luck, OP. I hope you can reach a decision which does not impact too negatively on anyone involved. Perhaps your husband would agree to couples' counselling, although it doesn't sound like it.