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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice, am I overreacting?

29 replies

MsAnnOnymous · 18/01/2011 18:36

Long story short, DP and I start arguing about nothing (literally, he got annoyed because he thought I had left something on his pillow intentionally and then didn't want to talk to him) after he has been out drinking with work.

DC wakes up, comes in my bed, he is still going on about various petty things and just being generally rude. I lose my temper, tell him to shut up. He pinches me (not terribly hard) repeatedly on my side, I ask him not to touch me and he continues to do it, I pinch him back (harder than he was pinching me) and he hits me in the face (again, not really hard, no bruises etc). DC is awake and in the middle of us at this time.

Can see he has lost his temper so picked DC up and tried to leave the room, he grabbed me and grabbed DC legs, screaming that I can't take DC away. At this point I felt like the only thing that mattered was getting DC away. Go into another room, he follows, grabbing my arm and trying to get me to turn around. I am crying loads at this point and begging him to just leave us alone, I say I am going to call my Mum and ask her to pick us up and he takes my phone and throws it.

He continues to be confrontational, invading my personal space, getting right in my face etc. I lock me and DC in the bathroom and eventually he calms down at which point he has gone from angry to ridiculously upset and remorseful. I have basically spoken to him today and said that I am done and it is over, it is one thing to behave like a cunt when it is just me but not in front of our daughter.

We are supposed to be moving into new house in a couple of weeks and he is now basically saying that I am overreacting and shouldn't be throwing everything away, where am I going to live etc? I have tried to be as objective as I can whilst writing this out, I don't think I am overreacting, just because he didn't actually do any of the above things hard enough to genuinely hurt me isn't really the point, is it? I don't ever want my child to witness something like that again, it was horrendous (and I was THAT kid, my step-Dad was frequently violent towards my Mum in front of me).

He did hit me once when I was pregnant and has been physically aggressive with me in the past but he doesn't see that as 'him' iyswim, just blips where he has been provoked (and I do provoke him, I am not entirely innocent here). Sorry, this is long but any words of wisdom appreciated.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 18/01/2011 18:41

Just go sweetie, you don't need any more reasons not to be with this man. God bless you and your DC.

realrabbit · 18/01/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

elephantsaregreen · 18/01/2011 18:45

You are not overreacting. His behaviour wasn't acceptable.

'Provocation' or you being verbally annoying or whatever is NOT an excuse for physical violence.

It's not ok.

msboogie · 18/01/2011 18:46

Leave. That us the only word of wisdom you need. You know first hand how awful it is to witness the people who are supposed to make you feel safe being terrifyingly violent. You are 100% not over reacting and you can't separate the person from their actions. If one if his workmatess annoyed him and he lashed out how far do you think he would get with saying he was provoked and it wad a blip? He is violent and prepared to make his child suffer. If you want to be the best mum you can be you will not allow this to continue. There is help out there for you.

perfumedlife · 18/01/2011 18:47

He hit you when you were pregnat Sad It's high time to leave, he won't improve, he thinks it's ok to hit a woman. You poor thing.

But listen, you know you cannot live like that, waiting for the next time, and there always is a next time. How old is your little girl?

hairyfairylights · 18/01/2011 18:48

You are not over-reacting.

You need to leave.

Original poster
MsAnnOnymous · 18/01/2011 18:49

Thank you for your responses, I am definitely not moving in with him. He came home with flowers and is very apologetic, it's quite out of character as his personality is very 'soft' but when he has had a drink he loses his temper very quickly.

I don't think anyone would believe me if I told them what had happened, it is SO not him. I don't feel frightened of him and I don't really know how to behave around him now. He is just putting DC to bed, I may disappear when he comes back.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 18:51

Leave him.

Don't move into any new house.

Speak to your family, tell them you are in an abusive relationship

Ring Women's Aid and ask for advice on practicalities

Please don't let your children grow up with an abusive father and a battered wife as role models

KatieScarlett2833 · 18/01/2011 18:52

Good woman, don't do it. There isn't a "type" sadly. If there were, we all would know, detect and avoid. I was that child too, btw.Sad

perfumedlife · 18/01/2011 18:52

Some people just shouldn't drink. If their personality changes like that, the reasonable thing would be to vouch never to touch another drink, and he hasn't done that.

Does he think flowers make it all better? Angry How long have you been together?

MissyMolly · 18/01/2011 18:52

Leave. Please, for your sake and your little girls. You both deserve so much better- his behaviour is VILE. You will know yourself how damaging it is for a child to live in that kind of environment. Phone women's aid and get support from your family- let them know what is happening so they can help you asap

woolymindy · 18/01/2011 18:53

What would you tell your own daughter or sister if she told you about this??

You know the answer so please just leave, no matter what he says, there is no justification.

I have been here myself and it did terrible damage to my children, please please leave. If not for yourself then for your child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2011 18:54

Does he act like this around other people?. No. Like many abusive men he is undoubtedly very plausible to those in the outsdie world.

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE. That's right, NONE.

There is never any justification for violence within a relationship.

Your children are now seeing what you saw as aachild saw i.e domestic violence committed by the father towards the mother. This is history repeating itself; your childhood is being re-enacted all over again and this time your children are seeing all this.

Did your mother eventually leave your violent stepfather?. Your parents taught you some very damaging relationship lessons when growing up.

You need to leave. Womens Aid can help you with this process.

Original poster
MsAnnOnymous · 18/01/2011 18:55

We've been together almost 5yrs, I was pretty young when we got together (19) and he was late 20s. I have a good job, am fully independent financially and can stay on in my current flat so logistically it is ok.

I just can't really believe that this has happened to me, I feel a bit numb really, doesn't seem quite real that it has got to the point where we actually need to call it a day.

OP posts:
msboogie · 18/01/2011 18:56

There will always be a next time - you know this. Drink is not the cause and it is no excuse. There is violence in him and he lets it out when drunk. It doesn't matter how soft he is the rest if the time.

shushpenfold · 18/01/2011 18:58

I believe VERY strongly in making a marriage work, no matter what, but even I would draw the line here. GO and don't go back. Do not put your child through this ever again.

KatieScarlett2833 · 18/01/2011 18:58

It is real, sadly and pretty classic too. Thank goodness you are not financially dependent on him. Get him out ASAP. I also recommend WA for advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2011 18:59

"I don't think anyone would believe me if I told them what had happened, it is SO not him"

Hence my comment re abusive men being plausible to those in the outside world. They are very plausible individuals to outsiders; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Many abusive men do apologise after they've hit their victim, he's probably done the same before now and promsising change to boot. Its all BS designed to suck you back in. Flowers are not enough, nowhere near enough. There have been previous violent incidents as well and these will continue and with increasing violence and intensity.

Your own childhood set you up perfectly to meet someone violent:(.

msboogie · 18/01/2011 19:01

You have not failed here OP, he has caused this by his inability to control his temper. You must be the one to do what is right for your child if he can't.

perfumedlife · 18/01/2011 19:03

You're only 24, not married, you have all the time in the world to meet someone great and settle down. He isn't it.

Great that you don't need to uproot you or your dd and leave the flat. I would be telling him he needs to leave now, or the police would be called. Infact, did you not think of calling them when he started all this?

Hatesponge · 18/01/2011 19:07

Agree with the behind closed doors comment. Most people still think my Ex is a nice man - he likes to come across all jolly and matey, like he's everyone's pal - in public anyway.

He's also the sort of total twat who used to say I deserved his abuse for provoking him. As has been said, there is no justification or excuse for physical violence. and if it's anything like my experience, once you're living in a joint property, rather than your house, it will all get worse.

Definitely dont move in with him, and get shot of him at the earliest opportunity. You have your financial independance, and you and your DC will certainly be better off without him.

immortalbeloved · 18/01/2011 19:17

No you are absolutely not over reacting, this is 'him' wether he behaves this way all the time or not, if someone murders but only once or twice they would still be a murderer, if someone 'only' raped someone a couple of times they are still a rapist, and if someone is 'only' violent in a relationship sometimes they are still abusive and the relationship is a violent one (by the way I am not comparing what he has done to rape or murder obviously)

I'm so sorry this has happened Sad

But can I just say well done for being strong enough to put a stop to this now, and for protecting your child, it's not easy, but if you leave now you will be protecting yourself and your child and that is always the right thing to do

ILovedYou · 18/01/2011 21:19
Sad

I am very sorry for what you have been through.

You deserve BETTER.

When a man has hit a woman once, he is very likely to hit again.

Please do not give him another chance.

Please leave now.

let us know you are safe and away from this dangerous man.

All the best x

Original poster
MsAnnOnymous · 19/01/2011 07:56

I did threaten to call the police but he took my phone away from me. He can't leave just yet as he has tenants in his property and has been staying with me but it is only a couple of weeks.

I know I probably sound ridiculous/in denial but I really can't think about him in the way I think about abusers. He spent the whole of last night crying, I ended up feeling bad about things! I have told him that we are 100% not going to live with him but what do you think about him attending counselling? Anyone had any experience of it working in this kinda situ?

When I see it written down I know that I have to leave him completely but when I am talking to him it just seems utterly ridiculous. Sorry, I don't even know if I am making much sense here!

Sad to hear that so many of you have suffered abuse :(

OP posts:
Snorbs · 19/01/2011 08:17

Abusers aren't abusive all day every day. If they were then they would never get anybody to live with them.

As to the fact that he has tenants in his property - er, well, tough for him. He should've thought of that before he started being abusive. If he's got so many mates who think he's a great guy then he can go and kip on their sofas for a while.

I've no personal experience of an abusive partner attending counselling to address their abusive nature. I have heard that the success rate is very low.

"He spent the whole of last night crying, I ended up feeling bad about things!"

Funny how that works, isn't it? You get hit and then they twist it round to make you feel bad about calling them on it. He's not the first person to turn on the waterworks after being violent and he won't be the last.

Look after yourself. And keep talking on here!