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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH has lots of women friends WWIFN?

54 replies

Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 16:25

New on here. My DH makes friends with women and never men. He is not open about these friendships, and I seldom get to meet the women, most of whom he works with, often a long way from home. He gives them small value gifts to do with their hobbies. Is this what WWIFN means by the first stage of an affair, ie, mirroring. I believe he pretends to be fascinated by their hobbies, mostly cooking, or wine or travel, which he does enjoy.

Should I object? I am nervous as people occasionally comment that he is flirtatious. His previous marriage ended on account of his adultery.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/01/2011 18:33

Of course you have proof that he is a philanderer - your relationship is proof.

He was separated from his wife, living with his girlfriend and started a relationship with you.

You were the 'other', other woman.

And yes, he sounds like a drunk if he is falling asleep on the sofa and not wanting to join you in bed.

I would be looking for a way out of this relationship fast, because none of this is normal, or healthy in any way, shape or form. I am so sorry :(

AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 18:36

This post, as you travel further along it, reads like a "step-by-sep guide to realising your partner is cheating"

in fact it ticks so many boxes, I am afraid I don't believe it is real

OP, I am sorry if you are real but your relationship sounds like the worst of a set of very bad cliches and flags for infidelity

make of that what you will

Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 18:39

sadly AF, it is real. Probably, it is even worse that I am clinging to the hope that no physical infidelity has taken place.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 18:43

AF, I've been in OP's exact state of mind more than once (I'm a slow learner.) X#1 took up jogging. I immediately thought he was trying to get fit ... by running, not by having energetic sex with a woman who lived nearby!

I think you're being a little harsh on someone who's been trying to hold onto her romantic illusions, contrary to all evidence.

LadyTremaine · 18/01/2011 18:44

Just to add that the women who are acting strangly around you are doing so because they feel guilty and sorry for you rather than that they are canoodling with your husband... i would expect.

Some of the things he has been doing point to using prostitutes i'm afraid.

LadyTremaine · 18/01/2011 18:46

Why do you need proof? You're not sacking an employee, you don't need legal grounds for making him leave... if you know in your heart that it's wrong then end it. you're not his property.

Chandon · 18/01/2011 18:48

either way, he is setting himself up and creating options for infidelity, you see that, don't you?

My DH has female friends, when he meets one of them it is often at our house, or they go to the pub as part of a group of old friends. Sometimes I come along, sometimes not. Having female friends is not a reason for divorce.

However, if he is creating options for being unfaithful, you just have to think how you feel about that.

As he has done it before, he probably is just that type of person, he likes the chase, the secrecy , feels he is "owed" some fun etc.

Not a reason to up and leave, but you have to be aware of what you are into...

Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 18:57

Lady Tremaine, I have never considered him using prostitutes. What makes you say he might? Suddenly, nothing seems impossible anymore.

Chandon, your post rings bells. Thank you.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
spidookly · 18/01/2011 19:00

You assumed that nice people didn't have affairs but married a man that you knew was divorced because of his adultery?

I'm confused.

LadyTremaine · 18/01/2011 19:05

The dissappearing on holiday thing mainly. And the trying to seduce a very young colleague...he seems to like the fantasy of it all and I'm afraid he sounds generally 'seedy'

Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 19:05

spidookly, I believed him that his marriage was over before the adultery but learned the truth much later. I believed him that his wife was "mad" and his girlfriend a stalker. Yea, I know, but he love bombed me and I was totally won over. I thought he was so different, he is so charming, so attentive so romantic. I now realise he has a lot of experience in winning women over. I'm older and wiser.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 19:09

Grace, my post wasn't too harsh, IMO

I said that there were so many cliches, I found it difficult to believe

I am not accusing her of trolling

I still find it hard to countenance that someone can be his naive, and not realise the significance of systematically posting a list of pointers towards infidelity

others have said the same

AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 19:13

"love bombed" you ? yup

lied about his mad, stalking exes ? yup again

you were the one who fell for it, polecat, it seems there is a long line of rather embarassed women that didn't and now feel very sorry for you (hence their discomfort)

what a shit situation to be in

ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 19:15

Ah, I read it as difficult to believe the post was real, rather than difficult to believe in her naivete/idealism. I regret that I was that naive, but don't blame myself for it. I even remember writing all the signposts in my diary, then refusing to believe what was staring me in the face! It's horrid, OP, isn't it?

piratecat · 18/01/2011 19:15

maybe op has just been burying her head in the sand, hoping for the best.

Sometimes, men can hoodwink you. You lose your sense of what is right 'for you' over time don't you. It's subtle, and mixed in with being swept off your feet, can be alarming.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/01/2011 19:37

My earlier post should have said:

"However, all such friendships should have some boundaries, because it would be wholly disingenuous to pretend that it is impossible for those friendships to cross the line, especially when that friendship is new." of course!! Grin

My post was also written before the other damning evidence arrived by the truckload and so my opinion is definitely that this man is unfaithful and is likely to create opportunities, as well as taking them up, when offered.

I suspect lots of people have learned through bitter experience that someone who was unfaithful before and still believes that behaviour was justified and could be again, will always have a personal permission to be unfaithful. The other massive red flags are the way he has vilified his former partners - something no doubt he'd have no compunction doing to you either.

Other people are diplomatically trying to tell you what is going on, but also bear in mind that he might not have got lucky very often and is regarded as a sleazy pest by others, who sympathise greatly with your position. Your earlier posts for example, suggest that at least one woman has been fobbing him off. I'd also echo the possibility that he has been using prostitutes and if so, his expenditure will provide those clues.

Do you know any of these people well enough to ask them for an honest assessment of your H? People will often be glad of the opportunity to answer a direct question, but might not want to instigate the message.

By the looks of things though, you've got enough to go on with his current behaviour to demonstrate that it is unreasonable, so you don't actually need proof, even though you might want it.

Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 19:39

Grace, I am still having difficulty accepting that he has been physically unfaithful and not just flirting. You guys are unanimous that it is otherwise. I really must be a fool. I am a professional woman, wise in all other aspects of my life. I feel shocked, and embarrassed. I am trying to take this all in. Its not as if I have found incriminating texts, condoms or anything. Its all subtle and one thing added to the others.

Thanks for you time and your help.

OP posts:
Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 19:50

WWIFN thank you. I think you might be spot on. However, why do you say he might be using prostitutes? That really spooks me, I would so like an answer to that. He is a successful high earner. He would cover his tracks by using cash. Some women find him attractive because he is successful.

I don't currently feel I want to question his colleagues. If I got answers I don't want or expect, I would have to leave immediately. I need some time to absorb all I have read.

OP posts:
LadyTremaine · 18/01/2011 20:26

I did answer thr prostitute thing - 1, he is seedy character. 2, He tries to seduce very young women, 3, He disappeared on holiday.. not a situation where he could have easiely found a genuine 'pull' but where he could have easily found a prostitute.
It would also explain why these women are uncomfortable around you, they know.

LittleMissHissyFit · 18/01/2011 21:13

Polecat, please don't personalise any of this. What your H has or has not been up to is not any reflection at all on you.

We only see things we are looking for sometimes, and sometimes our own heart blinds us to things we don't want to see.

This, if true, is not of your doing, it means nothing WRT your intelligence or perception. You literally have done nothing wrong.

If anything you have opened your heart and trusted someone who went on to abuse that trust. At most you made a mistake of judgement. You certainly are NOT a fool. Please don't ever think that.

This must be a horrific shock and of course you need to reflect, think and regroup. Watch, observe and ask subtle questions.

Let us know how and when we can help you further. Keep posting when you are ready. We never forget a friend here, and certainly not one that has been through anything like the stuff that may be at issue here.

Polecat2011 · 18/01/2011 22:10

Thanks guys. I have a vile headache now and need to sleep and think this over.

I am grateful for all your help. Yeah, yeah, I was blind to the blooming obvious.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 22:15

Look after yourself x

ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 22:19

As LMHF said, it's not a mistake on your part. If you went into every relationship looking for misbehaviours, you'd end up being a weird control freak. We love and trust because it's natural & normal to do so. We trust those who seem to love us.

You've not been blind, either - you're certainly clearer-eyed than I was. Your instincts have warned you that something's amiss. You posted for some perspective. You are sane, healthy and your love is good. I wish I thought the same of your H :(

Please do post if you find this forum helpful. So many people here understand the pain & distresss of what you're going through. I hope you slept OK.

JustForThisOne · 18/01/2011 22:37

the "open your eyes' squod in action, tactful and delicate as ever Wink

but I do agree I am afraid
OP r you much younger than your h?

sleeping on the sofa is enough to ring the alarm though
you heard it before and you know what happen next
he go you

get out while you are ahead I would say

JustForThisOne · 18/01/2011 22:38

what happenED next, he goT you