am i still considered married???

[tinkerbell41]

hi,following on from my first thread i wanted to ask your opinion on this....

gym boy and me had a great weekend and he asked to come back in two weeks time when kids away again..i expected that that would be the last i heard of him til then-i know he only using me in a way but then isnt that what i,m doing to him???..
anyway he been the opposite of what i expected,very attentive,on phone/txting constantly and very chatty at gym..all good i thought-he says hes not looking for relationship etc and jokes about other girls but to be honest i really am begining to think thats rubbish,the more i get to know him the more i think thats hes been really badly hurt and is acting all macho...i,m happy to play the game,am enjoying the attention but think i have got my emotions in check and am not expecting anything to come of it-infact dont want anything to come of it just happy to have some fun for wotever length of time we 'see' each other then i,ll act the adult and move on...

anyway i got to gym this am and he came straight over and told me that there was a rummor going around that he was seeing a married woman i.e me!!!
i acted as cool as i could-he was flustered-and told him so what,i,m legally separated-he knew this-and anyway i thought he would enjoy havint the street cred!!(i wasnt serious-but he doesnt know that)i didnt stay after that,went straight to do my workout,he kinda hug around to talk to me but i made it obvious i was busy....

i am now very annoyed and feeling just a little bit judged....i spent a long time in an emotionally abusive marriage and have now been legally separated for nearly 3years....i,ve worked hard to rescue myself and kids from that whole situ and am trying hard to put my life back together both practically and emotionally....

i really dont care who knows i,ve been seeing him,its my life and my choice...but am i still considered married and if so then is it wrong for me to see someone else???
havent got divorced yet as ex said he wouldnt allow it,didnt want to go down the nasty desertion route for kids sake so i have just been waiting til i could do it as legally easily as poss...

am sitting here trying to resist sending him a shirty txt....should i or will i wait til he contacts me and when he does shall i say nothing or give off to him-after all i,ve nothing to lose,he can take me or leave me...

I wouldn't send him a shirty text. Not sure of the history between you two, but it sounds to me as if he was being teased, and could well have been sharing that with you. Its the sort of awful joke I'd make .

Perhaps you're reading too much into it, because you are sensitive to the fact you're separated? (I know I was, when my first marriage ended)

Why have you made no move to actually divorce?

Why are you being rude to him? He is obviously a bit confused about your marital state and perhaps some people weren't aware you are separated. He possibly presumed you were divorced.
If you are interested in him then I'd just clarify the situation and get on with the divorce as alot of people aren't comfortable going out with someone who is still married, and there are plenty of threads of single women having problems gettting separated men to divorce so they feel they are more committed to their new relationship and the men using excuses for them making no attempt to divorce.
For many single people being separated isn't the same as being divorced. I don't think separated people should rush into divorce, and I took about 4 years to get divorced, but I wouldn't have given a bloke a hard time who had queried my marital state before I got divorced, just explained the situation, and maybe been glad that he didn't want to be seen to be poaching another bloke's wife.

bbg-mainly because i,m scared too-not to lose ex,i,ll never get back with him but that i would lose house...would have to fight it all the way,ex said he would never allow divorce...would involve court and i know how awful he would be,hes already had me in court as much as he could bout kids....i did speak to solicitor about it but after awfulness of family court i have just let it slide as i didnt have energy to deal with the nonsense he would put me through...
mbs-we started 'seeing'-not dating cause he says he doesnt date?? at christmas,he had been chasing me for bout 6weeks...its supposed to be very casual and to be honest i thought that as soon as i slept with him that he,d be off but instead he txts all the time...

Have you had support from Women's aid? You need to get this sorted on a proper legal basis. It sounds as if your ex is being emotionally abusive (even if he was never anything worse). Women's aid can help you get a good solicitor too.

BTW some men think it quite cool to be seeing a married woman, so he may not (or his friends may not) have seen it as negatively as you have taken the comment.

2r-i did explain it all to him before we started seeing each other....

i guess you are all right...dont think i was rude to him but wasnt hugely friendly either but i was annoyed...

if i am still considered married should i not see anyone else????is it awful of me too....i went out with a long term friend for a little while last year but this bloke is the only other one...am i wrong to see him???

mt-i have solicitor who worked with me through the family court thing with kids...i understood i was legally separated from the date the solicitor informed court i.e the date he moved out...

it took me a long time just to accept how emotionally abuseive ex has been throughtout marriage...its only in the last few months that we are able to be civil bout children and to be honest thats only cause i bite my tongue a lot-hes still tries to control me but i just ignore him

in my head i am separated and just biding my time til divorce can be made final,i would never ever go back to him..

It's your choice to see someone now, you may still be legally married but you are not with your husband.
My DP was still married when I met him, although living separately from his wife. It felt a bit odd going out with a 'married man' but neither of us thought we were doing anything wrong. He got divorced a couple of years later.
It sounds like this chap really quite likes you and maybe he just wants to know where he stands with you being technically still married to someone else. I'd hear him out before having a go at him.
Your ex cannot prevent you from divorcing him, but he can make it awkward and take longer.

I think you are free to see other men, but that you have to clarify that you are legally separated but can't get divorced without your husband's consent or alot of legal hassle until another 2 years have passed.
I don't understand why you were annoyed with him. It sounds as though he was just wanting the situation clarified.

ta beamur...ex would make it very very difficult,i didnt want the kids to have to be dragged into it all again and am trying to protect them by letting things slide for a while...i guess in my head i,m waiting the five years so i can do it without him having a chance to argue but maybe that s unrealistic????

the thing is this guy is very jokey and says he just wants to have fun but i think a lot of its macho talk and that actually he really sensitive and doesnt want to get hurt...pyshically we rushed into it as i really want ed to have some fun after so long without it(another of my exs prob)...i really didnt expect him to hang around after he got his oats but he is still txting etc all the time...hes knows i,ll only see him when kids at their dads...

2r-i guess i was annoyed as hes the one whose been going on about just having a bit of fun not a relationship but thats not the way hes acting..hes confusing me!!!

I remember feeling just like this!! You are free to see who you like but that doesn't stop your internal emotions from making you feel its somehow wrong or for others to judge you.

Decide what you want and ignore any silliness from others. Explain it to him clearly...and if he finds it too much baggage to deal with then stuff him and move on!!

(I also remember your first thread..keep enjoying the fun for now!! All part of the healing)

Mine is still married and not started divorce proceedings. Doesn't make any difference to me so long as he is separated then that is fine.

ta mc-i really did think i had explained it but maybe not well enough???

i just wish i knew what was going on with him and where i stood.it was sooo much easier before i had kids etc cause then i didnt have to worry bout anyone but myself....

have managed not to txt him but am struggling now,would love to sit him down and talk to him explaining that i like him and am happy for the fun to continue and that i,m one of the good guys and wont hurt him..in my head it seems so easy but i know then i would just come acroos as a psycho....

maybe i,m reading too much into the whole thing...aaaggghhhh this is so much harder than i thought it would be...

why oh why is it so hard just to have someone whos cares-dont want to be dependant or even live with someone ..would just love to have someone who cared,who'd give me a cuddle if i needed it...who i could be myself with,who i could have fun with....fed up being emotionally on my own......i,m a nice caring person who has had enough of the crap....am waffling now...must hide my phone to resist texting him and go read a good book...

ta longweight,hope things are going really well for you....

you are carrying a lot of your previous emotional troubles into this. You hardly know him really and he may well (as you say) be carrying over baggage too....doesn't the real world just suck sometimes!!

I had me one of these for a while and he was more screwed up than I was (didn't think that was possible at the time) We had fun for a while and it was what it was. I think fondly of it but it would never have been anything more than it was. I do wonder where the fuckup is sometimes!! Now I am with a darling of a lovely man..married, two kids...no baggage!!

Why don't you just send a text along the lines of 'you seemed a little flustered today...do you want to meet up and chat? I'm still up for the fun if you are!' (you might want to think about the wording )

This way, you push the ball back into his court whilst looking totally controlled. If he is getting cold feet then wave him goodbye and if he wants to find out more, he can let you know.

mc-ur sooo right but now i,ve got myslf in the terrified stage and cant txt him!!!!!!will go to gym tomo as usual and guess we,ll see wot happens...aaaaggggghhhhh

one day, this will all seem quite funny ..trust me!!

mc-i know its so wick!!!!am acting like a 16yr old over a guy....

he starting txting again bout an hr ago like nothing happened!!!!!!
must just be my mad head.....oh well i,ll learn-I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!1

I was in same situation as beamur - DP was separated and I knew it had been over for a long time but I was strangely relieved/happy when the divorce came through 6 months later. I couldn't shake the feeling I was dating a married man and that in the eyes of some people he belonged (wrong word choice, I know, tired) to someone else. I blame the Catholic upbringing.

I think maybe he was joking? I doubt it was malicious.

hb-i think your right,we had coffee today at gym and he joked bout it again,this time i kept cool and didnt freak out so i guess i,m improving!!!!!!!!!!!!

btw - unless you have made other, legal, arrangements if you are in a car crash tomorrow and someone needs to make a decision about switching off life support, it would be your husband. If you won the lottery and then was in the same unfortunate car crash, he would get the money.

Just a really gloomy thought.

Hope all goes well. You deserve fun.

The former isn't true if legally separated and the separated person makes their wishes clear. I would make a will if concerned. If admitted to hospital as non emergency you can give your mum etc as next of kin to be notified.
The lottery situation doesn't count in Scotland as money is separate from the date of separation, not sure about England, but I knew someone in the army who died and his separated wife got pension money not the girlfriend he was living with as he hadn't made a will or told the army he wanted to change his pension beneficiery. For some pensions live in partners don't count, you have to be married or civil partnership.

OP, when you say legally separated, do you actually have a decree of Judicial Separation issued by the court, or just a separation deed?

As others have said, for so long as you are married, your husband is entitled to inherit your estate unless you've specifically made a will for your children to inherit.

Only Decree Absolute in divorce proceedings, or a decree of Judicial Separation would stop him from inheriting.

If you're interested in making a Will, I can give you more info (I'm a professional will writer). My email addy is [email protected]