I think I've married a big dependent baby

[WikiSpeaks]

I can't belive I'm posting this.

Married for 4 years, 2 kids.

DH is great, brillianyt Dad, really kind and gentle but such a plodder. No ambition, and it's really getting me down.

We're just trying to sort out some paperwork and he keeps looking up asking questions - what's the bank's address? Where's the Landlord's address?

Now he's lived here for the same length of time as me. The stuff is filed in the filing cabinet FFS.

We're like irritating flatmates. Been months since any kind of sex. I can't be bothered quite frankly.

I wanted so much more for myslef and my life than this. I'm 32 going on 62.

I have PND, but I almost feel it's like a comfy overcoat I can hide in. Maybe rose coloured glasses though?

Are you ambitious? Why does his lack of ambition bother you?

Wiki are you kind to him? or do you get irritated and roll your eyes in exasperation? That is a hugely damaging path to tread so if you find you are being critical, belittling him or treating him with a lack of respect TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.

I wish someone had told me that before I destroyed my marriage.

I think I was ambitious. But then i grew up, got serious and wanted marriage and children... turns out it's pretty mundane after all. I really don't like the person I have become.

I think we rub along OK most of the time, but honestly I am finding too much of >>

Was he ambitious before you married and had kids?

His lack of ambition bothers me becuase I find I get frustrated with his lack of 'get up and go' although to be fair that only relates to work. He is always thinking of things for us to do together as a family.

Honestly I am becoming increasingly annoyed at the struggle we have with finances and I can't help feeling he could have done more to contribute.

That's making me cringe reading that.

no perfumed - never. That's one thing that attracted me to him. Dependable and steady.

"I am becoming increasingly annoyed at the struggle we have with finances and I can't help feeling he could have done more to contribute."

What do you mean by this OP? Does he work full time/part time/ at all? Do you?

Yes - he does work 50hrs a week (driving). He actually hasn't been out of work since I've known him.

I work part-time and we earn the same.

I'm not looking good here am I?

Wiki I honestly think a lot of what you are saying/thinking/feeling is your PND talking. I had it after DS was born and it was crippling, and bad for our marriage.

Are you getting any help with it? ADs? Counselling?

My beef is that I slogged away at uni, got qualified and got on a good career path.

He's never been academic (but is a grafter), and has never had a vocation in life (and has therefore remained minimum wage).

None of this is new though - I knew all this when I met him.

Have you talked to the GP about the PND?

And would you benefit from going back to work and DH being a SAHD?

Ali-yes I'm on Citalopram.

We did have counselling, but it was really expensive. Oh and I had a bit at work (free). It did help me look at things differently.

purple - If I did work F/T I would really begrudge it. I think i've 'earnt' the right to stay at home 2 days per week. DH does look after the kids one day per week, and finds it fun but very hard work.

I think that this may be a case of it being about you, not about him. It sounds like you are projecting the frustration and anger you feel at the moment onto him, finding the causes for those feelings in him and his behaviour, rather than addressing their actual causes.

You keep saying he hasn't changed. By your wonky reasoning this then means means that your dissatisfaction must be your own fault - your feelings about this man and his behaviour must have changes - which is why you feel depressed and even more frustrated because there's not much you can do with that thought other than reach for the decree nisi.

But I think the key is to locate the real causes of your anger - and accept you are feeling incredibly angry and let down. It could well be the PND talking. Are there other potential causes, such as finding out the 'aspirational' life of wife and mother is not what you'd expected?

Thank-you oma

I think you're probably right.

I do think I have massive failings as a mother.

Still want to weep when I think about the hash i made of BF.

I get cross often, and DS1 whinges. Alot. I went to the GP about him last week but nothing helpful was suggested.

I'm angry that at 32 years old we're forking out thousands of pounds on rent each year. (That's a whole other thread, but buying is out of the question until nursery bills are behind us).

hhhmmmm....

A baby that grafts 50 hours a week and makes his family his top priority?

oh

I really hope that you can both get through this.

It sounds to me as if you are focusing all your dissatisfaction with life onto your DH. No-one can be all things to you.

(I'm not sure how anyone "earns the right" to be at home, btw.)

Fair points.

By saying 'earnt the right', I mean it comes above money i could potentially earn. Being with the kids is really important to us and I don't want to miss out on their childhood because I have to work.

I plan to go f/t when they're at school (and took very short mat leaves, have never been out of work either)

my last post sounded very stuck up

i'm not articulating this very well.

You sound as if you are making lots of immovable 'rules' about life - that motherhood should be always satisfying, that you should have been able to BF, the ways that husbands and wives should share work/family commitments.

This kind of thinking leads very easily to low feelings - because life is in reality too flexible and changing to work by the 'rules'.

No wonder you think you have massive failings - you have a huge, concrete model in your head of how you and he 'should' be and by making constant comparisons you can only ever come out as appearing lacking.

Making your life and family work is about doing what works best for you in your situation - and that can be ANY WAY (as long as it's not damaging anyone's health) that you like, or need it to be. You could all give up money and only eat home-grown veg and never buy anything new. You could both work full-time in hugely well-paid jobs and pay for excellent childcare and cleaners. You could work and he could SAH. You could eat dinner naked, off paper-plates. Whatever! If it reduces stress for you all as a group and adds to the sum total of happiness it is right for you.

I'm just trying to jog you out of the high-walled prison in your head, do you find it hard to list things that make you feel happy?

I think there's somethign here about money for you as well, it comes up quite a lot in your postings. How you value things seems to be about currency alone

The thought of eating naked just made me snort

I can think of things that make me happy. It's actioning them that i find tricky. (Lack of babysitters/time)

I know i get irrationally cross, and I am taking on board people's comments here. It is helping.

I think I've been treading the same old path of self pity for so long, it's hard to find a way back.

No, you dont sound stuck up, just fed up.
Sometimes everyday things seem like a struggle (especially in January).

You need to try to be kind to both of you.

yes - money does feature alot in my head.

More what it does/doesn't bring us rather than the actual 'price of something'

I think my last post maybe sounded a bit down on you, I don't mean it to be. I'm glad you can think of things that make you happy! I don't think you are irrationally cross at all - and labelling this as 'irrational' will not help you know, it makes it unsolvable. Anger is a very rational response to frustrating, threatening or sad circumstances. I agree you need to try and be kind, treat yourself as a friend who has told you she is really down and struggling. what would you say to her? and say it to yourself (i know, feels really stupid but that kind of thing genuinely has an effect on how you feel).