I think I've married a big dependent baby

[WikiSpeaks]

I can't belive I'm posting this.

Married for 4 years, 2 kids.

DH is great, brillianyt Dad, really kind and gentle but such a plodder. No ambition, and it's really getting me down.

We're just trying to sort out some paperwork and he keeps looking up asking questions - what's the bank's address? Where's the Landlord's address?

Now he's lived here for the same length of time as me. The stuff is filed in the filing cabinet FFS.

We're like irritating flatmates. Been months since any kind of sex. I can't be bothered quite frankly.

I wanted so much more for myslef and my life than this. I'm 32 going on 62.

I have PND, but I almost feel it's like a comfy overcoat I can hide in. Maybe rose coloured glasses though?

I also wanted to say, it's been months since sex in my marriage too and i consider ours quite stable and happy!! are you maybe putting too much pressure on you both in terms of your expectations?

Thank-you. I appreciate being 'challenged' to think differently. It's definitely necessary otherwise nothing would ever change.

I must go to bed now, but will think on, and come back tomorrow.

Bed for me too, sleep well.

omaoma your post of 23.22 was inspired! You have given me food for thought. Thank you

"I'm angry that at 32 years old we're forking out thousands of pounds on rent each year."

Just a thought - but judging by your age, you've grown up during the housing boom years when people expected to become homeowners at an early age and renters were regarded as second class citizens.

Renting has historically been normal for people your age I'm afraid. Back in the 60's, my parents didn't buy a home until they were in their mid-30's, with 2 children and an elderly mother in tow. You needed to put down a 25% deposit and could only borrow 2 1/2 times the man's main salary. Not that different to the current post credit- crunch mortgage market.

Don't beat yourself (or your DH) up or feel you are failures just because you are unable to buy a house yet. The average age for 1st time buyers without parental assistance is now 37.

I think you need to focus on making your marriage work rather than moaning here!

there are several community sessions for troubled couples, that are run through my church if you are interested?

I'm much loving omaoma's posts, and happy that you're taking them on board, OP.

One thing I find helpful is to itemise - rigorously, even though it's usually in my head - what I want more money for. In my case, 'stability/security' is laughable since I've had and lost so much of the stuff. I long for 'choice/freedom' but, when I get down to it, I'd have to sacrifice a hell of a lot of choices in order to pay for other choices, iyswim.

It can be really useful to make proper lists, SWOT charts and opportunity-cost evaluations of where you think you're going with your life. (I'm a spreadsheet freak, but the same can be done in pictures or by writing to your thread!)

Not to diminish your concerns, which sound real & important, but maybe citalopram is the wrong med or wrong dose for you just now?

Thanks everyone.

Curly - 'focusing on making my marriage work' - agreed. If I knew how to do it then I wouldn't be 'moaning on here'. Community sessions run for troubled couples by a church don't sound good for us athiests I'm afraid.

MrsFlitter - that's really interesting about being 37 before buying a house. I feel like we're the only ones who don't have one.

DH and I did chat a bit before bed last night, and we do agree that by renting we do actually give our children a good quality of life (space, good area etc) which are important to them, and matter to them. They don't have any idea about who's name is on the mortgage. :)

Grace - I think I feel a list coming on....

Got to work now. Will be back later.

We're 37 and 38 and don't own Wiki...it's going to be a few years yet. This is a hard time financially for many...you are quite forunate to get the time you do get at home. With renting you get a certain freedom you don't have as an owner.

We are soon to move to a grgeous rural village so DD can go to school there and we can all beefit from the lovely community.

Most owners dont have choices like that...so if they'rs unhappy with their DC school it's tough luck unless they can afford to move.

I like renting.. no fear of bankruptcy!

I hope things seem better today...I remember that after the birth of my older DD, I was always worried/sressed...it does improve.

DH and I had a really good talk just as I was leaving for work this morning (luckily I work flexi).

I can see I have too many shoulds in life. I realise I do have choices which do give a good work/life balance, and for that I am grateful.

He pointed out I have ridiculously high standards about everything, and I don't easily let people help. That gives me a bit of martyrdom which is annoying for everyone.

We agreed that we are in the most tricky part of life with high costs and low leisure/holiday treats (IYKWIM). We're due to move house next month, and then I start a new job so things will look much different there.

He does accept that he reverts to being a bit of a baby and letting me take over and make lists for household jobs. He has stepped up a bit and sorted some stuff out which means I don't have to which is good news.

:) Nice post. Thanks! How did things go?

with the list?

it's a work in progress, but I am pleased that certain things are definitely set to change which does break up the monotony.

I can also think that in 2 years our nursery bills will have greatly reduced which is something to look forward to - and then perhaps we'll be in a better position to buy.

RIght - toddler group calls!

This is a brilliant thread .

I am learning and hugely sympathetic, I can relate to much of what you right.

And the challenging is great. I'm feeling challenged too.

shame I can't write, right.

Delighted to find that I have been not only coherent but actually meaningful, for once!

Glad to be helpful, take care Wiki, remember that living takes your whole life to get right... x

Yawn. Having cake and eating it. Shall I?
Shan't I? What if? But only if? But what if not? WORKS TOO HARD NEVER TIME FOR ME AND THE KIDS. Bit of a puff and no ambition. TRIES TO CONTROL ME AND WANTS SEX WHEN I DON?T. we never have sex any more and he doesn?t turn me on and understand me. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum. This is not a battle of the sexes despit what Dittany, Beatrix et al will have you believe.
Life is really simple. Know someone. Be with them. Love and accept. If you married for soul there would never be any problems.
Problem? Turn to MN and they will tell you to LEAVE HIM (or her, possibly)

Are we on the same thread? I had a whinge. Not one person told me to leave him. Posters gave good ideas and thought provoking points of view about my part in all this. I've taken on board my responsibility on all this. It's helped. We've booked a night out this weekend. He arranged it. He's also sorting out some other stuff to do with the house move. He's a good guy. I'm a tired mum with PND who has received brilliant support. Now go away and ruin your own day.

Just ignore Wiki - this poster has some weird posts on another thread too.