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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my husband has depression

30 replies

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 22:38

Our marriage has been in tatters for months and I've been really quite nasty to him and accused him of being emotionally abusive but I think he may have been suffering from depression for years.

I don't know why I'm posting as things have really gone past the point of no return but am feeling guilty as I now suspect he has been ill for years whilst I've been nagging and getting at him.

He spends his time tutting, rolling his eyes, snapping, telling me what I've done wrong, telling me what to do, doing nothing himself, never initiating sex and I've finally snapped and been a complete bitch to him over the past few months.

I'm just feeling guilty now and wonder if I should give things another try despite having been happy for the first time in years today because I'd finally decided to divorce. I always end up changing my mind and always because I feel guilty. Never because I actually think for 2 seconds I would be happier with him. I wouldn't - he makes me miserable.

Sorry for the long post - good to vent frustrations!!!!!

OP posts:

kayah · 16/01/2011 22:56

are there any kids involved?

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 22:56

You have to put yourself first.

Stick to your guns and focus on your future.

This is normal, this feeling guilty. I am going through this myself at the moment, desperately sad, not at the loss of HIM, but at the loss of the hope that the HIM i fell in love with would ever return.

If you are feeling relieved at taking the decision to end this, then take a moment to process why you are feeling that way and hang on to it.

You are scared of the unknown, but it can't be as bad as the known you would have if you stayed in this broken relationship.

Better to be on your own than be constantly subjected to rolling eyes, snapping, controlling, criticism and laziness.

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:06

Thank you Littlemiss - it is scary and the guilt is crippling. I keep telling him it's over then practically clinging to him when we get to breaking points.

At what point so you stop caring what happens to him? he says that if I leave him he'll just shrivel up in a ball and I don't want anything to happen to him. He literally has no one else.

No kids involved - we've been trying for 7 years but it's never happened. I blame him for this as he rarely wants to have sex (again feeling guilty about that too as it seems to be a symptom)

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:14

You have to focus on the future, and draw from the past. Remind yourself why you are not happy, why you need to get out.

So he says he'll cave in if you leave, but he's not sorry enough to be NICE to you going forward though is he?

This is typical. Give up, he will never change.

He has no-one else why? no RL friends? WHY? Is he a git to others too?

You have given it your best shot. You have wasted a lot of your life. He is not even a nice person to you.

Enough is enough love.

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:19

You're right. I don't really know why he has no friends - he just doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere so never really meets anyone (really sad I know).

He rarely even sees his own family.

I have always made excuses for him. He's shy: introverter: tired: gets headaches.... just a bit fed up and really, really don't want to live like this anymore.

Just feeling guilty leaving if he really is ill and needs help but it has been many, many years and things are getting worse rather than better.

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:21

sorry for typo's -typing fast whilst multi tasking!!!

OP posts:

gaelicsheep · 16/01/2011 23:22

I'm guessing not, but have you discussed this with him? Some of what you describe does sound like depression, and loss of libido can definitely be caused by depression. But on the other hand, my DH has chronic depression - he drives me mental sometimes! - but he's never directed his moods at me personally.

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:22

Actually why DO you think he has depression?

How is his sleep?
His appetite?

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:23

agree with gaelicsheep, many men say they have depression as an excuse to be nasty....

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:25

I did actually think my H for a while.

In the end I realised that No, he really was a miserable little person that got his jollies on being mean to me.

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:26

we have discussed it and he tells me that he's always been miserable, that it's not me it's him (I know how cliche that is!!). Until recently he always told me that I was the one with issues and I never challenged it until very recently and since then he's said that he's always had issues with himself......

Very confusing and I keep wondering if it is emotional abuse or depression and then feel guilty for being so horrible if it's the latter (if that makes sense?)

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:26

Sorry, meant that I thought H had depression for a while.

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:30

Woah.... I smell bullshit!

He told you that YOU were flawed and had issues, and now you challenge it it's him?

This is control pure and simple. He's lost control of you, you have stood up for yourself and now he then tries the Woe is me card.

This bloke will fuck you up if you stay with him.

Run for the hills and never look back.

THAT'S the reason he has no-one....

Don't feel guilty.

gaelicsheep · 16/01/2011 23:30

Well, if he cares about you and your marriage he'll go to the doctor. They'll talk to him, do questionnaires etc. and get to the bottom of things - hopefully. If he won't, then that's your answer.

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:34

I thought that for months but then researched depression and the symptoms are very similar. Irritability, snapping, sleep issues (he sleeps most of the day), sex problems - so much overlaps and it seems awful to leave if he really does have issues.

I overthink things but don't feel like I can leave a marriage just because I'm unhappy - it's like I have to demondise him to leave

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/01/2011 23:41

Sleep issues are also common in abusers I think...

gaelicsheep · 16/01/2011 23:47

See one of the big problems with depression is that it can appear like bad temper and laziness. So bad temper and laziness can also appear like depression I guess.

As I said, if he won't go to the doctor and get it investigated, you have your answer.

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:47

I think you're right - if he does really care he should go to the doctors. He just doesn't seem to care about anything anymore.

I do wonder if I've driven him to it but I don't think I've been that bad - he just seems to get upset at everything

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 16/01/2011 23:49

he is the only person who can get help for his depression. you didnt cause it you cant cure it.

is it yuor fault he has no one else?

tell him to seek help. if he choses not to - his choice...

march him to GP if you like, go into appt and explain you divorcing and you think he depressed...ball is then is his /their court...

Original poster

happylife11 · 16/01/2011 23:52

Thank you - you're right. He's in control of his own life and I'm fed up of making suggestions as everything is just shot down.

I'm going to stick to the new year's resolution and become a happy singleton as opposed to miserable part of a couple.

OP posts:

kayah · 17/01/2011 01:08

having read all you said - I'd go asap
life's too short to be living in a miserable relationship

all the best - and keep us updated :)

MummieHunnie · 17/01/2011 06:35

If it is depression and you leave, and later he has some help for it, would you regret leaving if he was "well"?

Original poster

happylife11 · 17/01/2011 07:05

I honestyly don't know if I'd regret leaving if he was better in the future. Looking back at our relationship the happy times have been significantly out weighed by the miserable times.

I do love him when he's happy but feel the resentment for the past few years have eroded any possibility of things working.

I would miss him and feel guilty but know that deep down it would be the right decision for me. I do worry about him and that's what has stopped me leaving thus far.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2011 07:38

You are still not responsible for him; only your own self. You say you worry about him but has he actually worried about the effects of his behaviour on you?. No.

My friend is with someone not a million miles away character wise from your H; she wants out as well.

BTW guilt is a useless emotion.

kayah · 17/01/2011 08:59

can't stay with someone out of pity

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