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Original poster

Pil have decided to move 20 miles away from us

45 replies

ItsGrimUpNorth · 15/01/2011 20:11

I've posted about them before.

Mil is the kind of person who will tantrum and sulk if she doesn't get her own way. She's currently crying a lot apparently if she doesn't get what she wants according to fil.

She's also the kind of person who will not take no for an answer and will tell stupid lies about the smallest of things. I actually think she is mentally ill and I feel sorry for fil.

They live 200 miles away. We see them between 10-12 times a year for a weekend. And for three days over Christmas at our house.

Fil will retire this year. Mil has decided to put the house on the market and they will move down south near us.

I am filled with dread.

I know she is currently depressed and is having weekly CBT. I think she's low because she has nothing to do - 58 years old, never worked outside of the home, refuses to do anything beyond walk her dogs, watch daytime telly and thumb through photographs of the gcs all day. This is what she tells me she does. I mean, to me now in the thick of parenthood, this sounds blissful for about a week perhaps, but I can see how living that way long term could depress many.

I just know that if they live down here, they will want to be here all the time and she will expect me to keep her busy. She fell out with her daughter, in fact blames her daughter for her depression and various nervous breakdowns because her daughter simply didn't want her mother coming into her house whenever she felt like it i.e. all the time and she herself moved away. Mil is of the view that she shouldn't need an appointment to visit her children and she should be able to do it whenever she likes regardless of what they are doing.

Now, I'm no walkover. I've stood up to her many times and told her to buzz off. She's fumed and seethed but most of the time, she's taken heed. She knows maybe five people down south and they'll be quite isolated. They will totally expect us to pick up the slack. I simply do not want to see them more often than I do. We see them every six weeks and for us that's great.

I feel panic at the thought of the constant battles and psychological manipulations that will go on if she's around more. My marriage will suffer - I mean, for example, she's been a great one for telling me dh has said this or done that when he's done no such thing and vice versa, causing confusion and upset between us.

What can I do? Dh says he'll try and have a chat with fil about it, pointing out all the flaws in their plan. They've lived up north for 40 years. But as mil said to me on many occasion, "Oh, but you know, ItsGrim, I always get what I want." It's as if she has to have her way or else.

I'll have to emigrate. Seriously. Any advice, please?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 15/01/2011 20:28

Well, you could tell them that nothing will change. You will still only see them the same amount of times per year regardless of where they live. I mean, they won't be on the next street, will they?

I would also get your dh to stress to fil that you don't know where you'll be living in the next five years. You could emigrate. You could move to their old town! Grin

It's all very well moving to be near family but you can't assume the family will stay put just because you've decided to move near them. I don't think it's fair to put that responsibility on people. It's too much.

Myleetlepony · 15/01/2011 20:36

House swap? Tough, but you'll have to lay down the rules in advance, ie now before they move, and stick with them.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 15/01/2011 20:54

Yes, but she's not one to listen to rules. Really. She honestly thinks she should be able to do what she likes and carries on regardless. The geographical distance between us is what has stopped us from falling out ourselves.

I just don't want to do constant battle with her. I haven't got the energy. But it will be like that. She'll chip chip chip away at me, crying at first and then ranting. She's like a child. I don't need another one.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 15/01/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 15/01/2011 21:15

Yes, we'll probably have to fall out.

I won't budge on this because I know how interfering and controlling she is.

Fil has agreed with me in the past but doesn't seem able to stand up to her and tell her how thoroughly unreasonable and ridiculous she's being. He says he's worried that she will just cry and cry if he says something. He's begged me to do some unreasonable stuff so as not to upset her. She refuses to talk to her daughter about their issues and I think it's because she knows she would come off very badly.

Dh knows as well and understands. Hence his trying to put them off.

It will be suffocating and I will feel utterly haunted by her. She'll want to be here all the time because she won't have anything to do, will refuse to busy herself - why should she when she can just come over here all the time? - just like she does now up north.

OP posts:
LostArt · 15/01/2011 21:19

Do you think she is being realistic about how much her house is worth/what she can afford in the new area? Would it be worth pointing out how expensive the move would be?

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 15/01/2011 21:25

Well, they were looking to move to Harrogate which is just as expensive as London/Home Counties in some areas. So this move down south isn't going to make any difference to them financially.

I think she's really latched onto it as her saviour from her having nothing to do.

OP posts:
msboogie · 15/01/2011 21:46

oh jesus, I feel for you. This is such a nightmare. The thing is, you are either going to have to accept that you will have to roll over and do what she wants, or, ultimately, fall out with her. If the former is not an option there is going to be a falling out at some stage. Wouldn't it be better to be as upfront and blunt with her now as you need to be to force her to face facts rather than after they have moved? Once they have moved its too late - they are isolated and the guilt tripping will be so much worse. She will be turning up at your door and you will have to turn her away.

If you simply say to her that you expect to only see them at the same frequency that you do currently, she will nod while thinking to herself "that's what you think". She sounds very very spoilt and indulged. I bet your fil is all for this idea as it might mean a sharing of the burden?.

If it comes to it, if you must fall out with her, it would be so much better to do it now, before they move.

Cold you say lie and say that your DH's job is opening anew office in 18 months and you might move across the country?.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 15/01/2011 21:54

MsBoogie, you're right on every count. Fil definitely is looking for more help. In a way, it's his problem because he wouldn't hear of her getting a job because they had enough money and she didn't "need" to work.

And she'll definitely be saying to herself, "That's what you think. Visiting every six weeks. Yeah yeah. I'll be there every other day."

And she will. Just like she was with her daughter. She doesn't care as long as she gets in, sees her gcs, gets her own way. Very happy. But then she'll clutch at me, apparently hyperventilating. I feel like I'm being played. I feel like I have no choice. I mean, she's having CBT. How evil am I but I know she won't take a blind bit of notice of any therapy.

OP posts:
msboogie · 15/01/2011 22:15

You are not evil in any way whatsoever. Not the tiniest bit. You see her and tolerate her a damn sight more than I would, in your shoes.

You must preserve your sanity, your marriage and the sanctuary of your family home. And in the end, if you can prevent them from moving close to you under the misapprehension that you are going to be her daily companions you will actually be doing them a favour too.

The woman is bored out of her mind - but that's the result of their lifestyle choices and not your problem or responsibility to deal with.

Your DH is going to have to do some very plain speaking.

Good Luck!

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 16/01/2011 08:30

"The thing is, you are either going to have to accept that you will have to roll over and do what she wants"

Does anyone do this?

OP posts:
MadAboutQuavers · 16/01/2011 08:51

Don't just accept any behaviour she chooses to dish out, your life will be utterly miserable

If she behaves like a small spoilt child you'll have to treat her as such and be extremely firm - "I said NO, not today" etc

If a small child clutched at you, out of control, you'd say "STOP that, right NOW, and calm down or we'll (you'll) have to leave"

And so on

Don't let her do to you what she's done to her H

Unfortunately I don't see how you can stop them moving though

Decorhate · 16/01/2011 09:06

Agree it is a nightmare. My ILs are lovely luckily but we only see them 3-4 times a year.

I also agree that you have been very generous with your time going to see them every 6 weeks. That is actually quite a lot considering how far away they live.

Can I ask how old your dcs are? Once children get to school age & start doing lots of activities most families' weekends are very busy so trips away are less frequent.

If they do end up moving down your only options are to both work fulltime so you are not home much or emigrate...

gettingeasier · 16/01/2011 09:08

I agree since its clear how it would be with them nearby you have nothing to lose by being very blunt now before they move and if they carry on regardless then you will be able to say clearly and calmly well we did tell you this is how it would be. As long as your DH is ok with it ...

msboogie · 16/01/2011 11:04

I think it would be a terrible mistake to let her have her way.Once that pattern is established it would be harder and harder to break as time went on.

tinkertitonk · 16/01/2011 11:58

As others have said, set the rules in advance. In particular, if your MIL acknowledges that she and her daughter have fallen out then you might say to MIL: Our relationship will not change because of your move and we'll see you the same amount. Otherwise you will lose me as well as your daughter.

VerintheWhite · 16/01/2011 12:27

Do either of you have a job with the possibility of a move? I would delay them with lies about possible moves to Dubai/Glasgow etc, in the pipeline, DH excited, etc. It will give you some time to get your mind around how to deal with it.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 16/01/2011 22:17

No, dh is in a plum role - finally thank god - and I'm just starting to set up my own business. We're happy where we are and we can't really move.

Although we could of course spin a yarn about us planning to emigrate.

Dh thinks it's a bonkers idea and that they'll end up isolated, away from their friends, broke and utterly dependent on us for social stimulation.

I know about ground rules and have set them. She hates it. She hates it that she can't do what she wants and I think this is a big trigger in her depression. She cries and shudders and shakes.

I'm starting to despise her because of her total inability to find a life for herself. I'm so mean but I feel she is totally self absorbed and couldn't really care less about respecting other people's rights. She is outraged at the fact that neither her daughter nor I think she should be able to come round whenever it is convenient to her.

Oh anyway what can I do? I'll just have to be firm. And if she ever turned up uninvited, I'd not let her in.

OP posts:
MadAboutQuavers · 16/01/2011 23:08

Remember Violet Elizabeth Bott from the Just William stories - "I'll scream and scream until I'm sick!"? Sound familiar?

She's not your responsibility. She's just going to have to be outraged for the rest of her days isn't she. Don't be emotionally blackmailed.

MadAboutQuavers · 16/01/2011 23:09

And you are not mean in the slightest, Grim

DaisySteiner · 16/01/2011 23:15

I think you have to be honest with them - say "We love you (OK, maybe not totally honest Wink), we value our relationship with you and for this reason we do not want you to move close to us because we will feel stifled and responsible for you." I only think it's fair to them to be crystal clear that you do not think your relationship with them would survive seeing them more frequently. Kinder to say it now than wait until they've moved hundreds of miles to be near you.

stLucia · 16/01/2011 23:23

Convince her she needs to move closer to your SIL instead?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 16/01/2011 23:32

Oh god - I don't know what you can do that hasn't already been suggested but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

How did your weekend go visiting friends and not seeing them (or is that still to come - can't remember the date you were going, sorry).

DH HAS to put her straight about how he feels (they'll be isolated, no friends etc) AND that they will need to arrange times to visit, that you will not be wanting them to drop in and that you are very busy so suspect this wont be possible for more than half a day every 3 weeks or so (whatever you and he can agree on). Because otherwise they are going to make your life hell.

Do anything you can to stop this happening - even if it means slightly upping your visits up there, phone calls etc...

I would happily go as far as lying about DH being in the throws of being offered a promotion which would mean moving.

camdancer · 17/01/2011 07:52

Do you know who her therapist is? I say this because my Gran was having therapy and my Mum felt that there were issues that Gran wasn't bringing up. So she wrote the therapist a letter explaining a few things. The therapist sent my Mum a letter back saying thank you and it was very useful to have that extra knowledge. I think in the end they had a few sessions together, which at least did help my Mum! It is a bit different because my Gran is very old and my Mum is effectively her carer.

But could you do something like that? It would probably be best coming from your DH but it might be worth drafting something. That way the therapist could deal with some of the issues - or at least have a bit more of the background information about the family. Therapy is great but it can only deal with the issues that your MIL wants to share. If you could give the therapist more information they could maybe bring other things up. It is possible that your MIL hasn't even mentioned your SIL at all.

Make sure if you do it, that the letter is basically ok for your MIL to read though as the therapist might share it. It doesn't have to be easy reading for her - afterall she will have someone there to guide her through it - but keep it factual rather than too emotional.

MummieHunnie · 17/01/2011 08:03

It sounds like your mil is off to live near golden boy, to hurt her daughter, she will try and put you in her daughter's role now.

I also woory what is going on with the fil, he must be strange and have his own issues.

How is your dh's behaviour, living with that sort of family does not leave people unscarred.