Pil have decided to move 20 miles away from us

[ItsGrimUpNorth]

I've posted about them before.

Mil is the kind of person who will tantrum and sulk if she doesn't get her own way. She's currently crying a lot apparently if she doesn't get what she wants according to fil.

She's also the kind of person who will not take no for an answer and will tell stupid lies about the smallest of things. I actually think she is mentally ill and I feel sorry for fil.

They live 200 miles away. We see them between 10-12 times a year for a weekend. And for three days over Christmas at our house.

Fil will retire this year. Mil has decided to put the house on the market and they will move down south near us.

I am filled with dread.

I know she is currently depressed and is having weekly CBT. I think she's low because she has nothing to do - 58 years old, never worked outside of the home, refuses to do anything beyond walk her dogs, watch daytime telly and thumb through photographs of the gcs all day. This is what she tells me she does. I mean, to me now in the thick of parenthood, this sounds blissful for about a week perhaps, but I can see how living that way long term could depress many.

I just know that if they live down here, they will want to be here all the time and she will expect me to keep her busy. She fell out with her daughter, in fact blames her daughter for her depression and various nervous breakdowns because her daughter simply didn't want her mother coming into her house whenever she felt like it i.e. all the time and she herself moved away. Mil is of the view that she shouldn't need an appointment to visit her children and she should be able to do it whenever she likes regardless of what they are doing.

Now, I'm no walkover. I've stood up to her many times and told her to buzz off. She's fumed and seethed but most of the time, she's taken heed. She knows maybe five people down south and they'll be quite isolated. They will totally expect us to pick up the slack. I simply do not want to see them more often than I do. We see them every six weeks and for us that's great.

I feel panic at the thought of the constant battles and psychological manipulations that will go on if she's around more. My marriage will suffer - I mean, for example, she's been a great one for telling me dh has said this or done that when he's done no such thing and vice versa, causing confusion and upset between us.

What can I do? Dh says he'll try and have a chat with fil about it, pointing out all the flaws in their plan. They've lived up north for 40 years. But as mil said to me on many occasion, "Oh, but you know, ItsGrim, I always get what I want." It's as if she has to have her way or else.

I'll have to emigrate. Seriously. Any advice, please?

Sounds awful tbh.

But I´m not sure it´s realistic to keep it at every 6wks when they are closer.

How about more often but only a couple of hrs at a time?

My BiL has a situation in which his dad will turn up unannounced on the weekends that BiL has his children staying. BiL has repeatedly asked him to telephone before popping round but they insit in arriving at the door at any hour of the day and saying they were just aroudn the corner and thought they'd pop in. The big probkem is of course, once they are in they can't be got to go.
So at Xmas when I was visting the dad and his wife knock at the door at 9am, BiL answers and firmly tells him they can't come in as its inconvenient.

He said its the only way, as nothiggn else works. Of course the dad in this case simply accepted it rather than having a hysterical fit on the doorstep...

ChippingIn, I'm going up this weekend for my friend's 40th. We decided I would go with the baby and dh would stay with the other two. Pil don't know which weekend exactly in January I was going up but when dh Skypes them on Sunday, they'll ask where the baby is and he'll tell them. And no doubt, they'll come rushing round to my mother's house uninvited but I'll be out visiting my brother. There'll be fury and much indignation.

Diddl, they're the sort of people to arrive at 10am and not leave until 7.30pm despite heavy hints.

You know, ironically, I'd actually love to see more of them if they and mil in particular had more of a life of their own. But they do nothing. And it makes me very wary. Mil literally counts down the days to our or her next visit. She has nothing else to do.

The weight of the responsibility of her life being more enmeshed with ours and being blamed for her next breakdown or panic attack when we don't do what she wants really makes me feel quite low. We can't win really.

I'm not sure what stuff I'd write to her therapist, Camdancer. I mean, could I put stuff like she needs to develop her own interests, stop blaming everyone else for her boredom etc? I'm not sure that would go down too well. I think I could talk to fil about it because as it's always everyone else's fault, mil will be getting the therapy she needs.

Dh is going to call his dad this week to massively put him off by spelling out the problems it will cause. And his trump card will be, we've decided, we're thinking of emigrating so please don't move down to be with us because you'll be stuck here with very little family. I hope it works. It's really on my mind!

Thank you so much for listening.

How old are your older children? Do they have activities that they need taking to? You could limit visits to half a day and then have plans for tea so they need to leave.

They will just have to fit in around you and your plans IF they do move.
The fact you have been visiting every 6 weeks, has kind of set the bar and it stands to her reasoning that if you lived nearer, she could see you more.
We have had something similar with my mil. She doesnt drive and lived in a fantasy land that she would be here all the time and dh would be ferrying her here, there and everywhere at the expense of his family.
In the end, we said we were thinking of moving after we had pointed out that dh would not be available 24/7.

Good luck

"Diddl, they're the sort of people to arrive at 10am and not leave until 7.30pm despite heavy hints."

In that case if they do move close, I´d have to make sure nit was me visiting so that I could leave when I wanted

We are abroad & ILs have never visited-that´s their way of punishing us for doing it!

We bear it as best we can

Oh god what an awful situation to be in.

Complete respect to you for keeping your patience. I would have lost it long ago.

Not that I'm an expert but do you think she might be the NPD type? I'd never heard of it until MN but I read a lot about it.

I hope that the phone call at the weekend puts an end to this bloody stupid idea.

Stand beside DH kick him in the shins if necessary

It your DH tells her not to come running round to your mum's when you visit and she ignores him, you can later point this out as an example of why their moving closer won't work.

Well, tell him not to say where you've gone. If she asks why you and the baby are not bobbing arounnd in the background on Skype, can't he say you're in the bath or something?

No way am I going to lie to her. It's better for her to know that we're doing what we're doing. If she found out I'd lied, then she would have the moral high ground instantly and she would think I am afraid of her.

If she does end up moving down can you find here a volunteering opportunity, perhaps in a charity shop where she can meet people?

You can say that you'll "pop" in to say hello to her.

Hi itsgrimupnorth,

I feel your pain. I know how that scenario works and its an awful burden to carry. Wanting to make you feel guilty all the time because you don't do what she wants and if you say no blames you for her illness or whatever else - the guilt trip is horrible - I've had this and still have it but its not my ilaws. Its difficult to deal with the constant guilt they want you to feel even though you have nothing to feel bad about. Its very wearing and negative. You need to keep her at a distance definatley for your own well being and for the sake oF your children and a happy marriage.

Its awful when these type of people don't respect that you have your own life to lead and need to let you live it. Not putting problems on to you. Its totally selfish and wrong. She should be the one feeling guilty and worn out not you for the way she is behaving. I always wonder why they don't feel bad, I would if I did the same to somebody else. That's when it makes me think they are as tough as old boots and so self centred that you don't need to worry and feel sorry for them. You need to think about the effect it has on you and your family, health etc. Your mil will still be fighting fit when she's reduced you to despair so please don't worry what affect it has on her. Worry about yourself and your own family xx

Pippop, we've suggested all sorts of activities for her to get busy where she lives now. She pooh poohs every single one of them.

And if she moves down here, she'll be even less likely to do anything because she'll just keep trying to enmesh our lives with hers.

She just doesn't understand why we don't want her around all the time and why we want to keep her at arm's length.

If she does move down, I'm going to be rigid about seeing them the same amount of time that we do now. Because you're right, Christmaswishes, she'll wear me down and out with her constant neediness. She's 58 for heaven's sake. I'm getting cross now. And worried about fil - he must be ground down too but perhaps he needs to grow a pair.

My MIL went through a stage of just turning up on my doorstep (usually at DD's bedtime) so I just ignored the doorbell and phone calls from her mobile. It's surprisingly easy to do - just be strong.

Sounds like my mother. Does she have narcissistic personality disorder.

I have lived with the guilt, the histrionics, always wanting to come round, staying ALL day, for years.

The only advice I can give is to emotionally detach yourself from her, so you don't get drawn into the games and the tantrums. It's hard but doable.

Are there any other relatives that she listens to that you could ask to speak to her about this?

You haven't written anything bad about her here. Could you consider sending MIL's therapist a link to this thread, or extracting parapgraphs to a letter? You don't have the right to dictate what your PILs do with their lives, or to lumber someone else's therapist with your feelings - but you may be able to offer assistance by pointing out MIL's false expectations of this move, and why she feel out with her daughter.

I really hope your DH can get his head around 'detaching with love'. If he can get his mum to see how she's pinning all hopes of recovery on YOU, he should be able to gently & firmly tell her it isn't going to work.

Mind you, it sounds like she's capable of ignoring everybody in the interest of not taking responsibility for her own life. So you may have to buy a video doorbell and use it for your sanity!

parapgraphs - don't know why, but that typo made me chickle!

Gawd, another one - chickle