Genuinely happy for them but I'm also jealous - what's wrong with me:-(

[Pinkflipflop]

I'll try to be brief.

My brother and his wife are about to have twins - first grand children on both sides.

I'm happy for them - I get on ok with both of them but not esepcially close.

They live next door to my parents (which has always bothered me as I'm so close to my mum, but live almost 2 hours away)

Parents set my bro up in a business - so money isn't an issue for them - not flush - not stretched. SIL is 26 and has never worked.

Now - I'm 32 and due to a very competitive job and retraining when I was 26 - it means that I'm still waiting to get a permanent job. It's likely this year - but no guarantees.

Now my mum has told me that when the babies come she will be looking after them part time and SIL will put them in nursery 2 days a week (because it's good for them - not becasue she has a job!!)

Anyway DH and I not in a position to have a baby yet (job situ) we would lose our house if I was not working as it's takes both incomes to pay our mortgage. I'm on a series of term time contracts - so don't qualify for maternity pay apart from smp.

I know what I have is plain jealousy of:

-SIL and mum sharing what I don't have

• financial support bro and SIL recieved to
• Mum offereing free childcare to SIL and bro as we have no one around us to do that should we ever be in that situation

I feel really down about this and I really don't wont to spoil things or bring a negative vibe to our family through jealousy.

It helps to vent here as no one in RL would understand.

I don't think you should beat yourself up for a bit of jealousy, it's understandable really. It seems they have it quite easy, and had a lot of help. Mind you, twins will certainly be a lot of work.

Would you prefer to live nearer to your parents? Is it possible>? When you are in a position to have a family it would be a lot easier to be near help.

I kind of know how you feel. My sisters and brother all live next to parents and get tonnes of help with kids/money. I always lived far away and have been independent. Now married with a child and dh's family are miles away too so we never get nights out or last minute help. It can leave you feeling a little pushed out.

I'm a little relieved that I haven't got slated on here for being a childish jealous cow-thank you. I guess you are right I really feel Sil is taking my place-every time I phone mum and SIL are baby shopping, having coffee, painting nursery etc etc

It really is good to vent-any other advice as I am having a hard time ATM:-(

Well, reading between the lines, it occured to me that you are feeling a little broody and the jealousy could be more that sil is already starting her family and you can see no time in sight for you?

The competitive job and retraining, maybe somehow isn't seeming so appealing to you right now?

totally understandable and natural, but don't let it eat you up. Perhaps you should crack on and have your own baby and stuff the sensible route.......you sound "ready"

No slating from me, I can see why you are envious of them.

If you feel so far away from your Mum and so left out - why don't you move nearer to them?

Perfume you are definitely onto something!! I have never really been especially maternal but over the last year I have changed a little and don't really see my future without a child. It's just not going to happen in the immediate future because of my job. I don't regret retraining at all as my last job would have bored me to death in the end!!

Oh dear:-(

It's not so easy to move close to them-they live in a remote area and no hope of jobs.

If we got pregnant now we would lose our house ad we just couldn't pay the mortgage on one salary:-(

Well, it gets you like that. I was not maternal and infact, worried that the clock would never tick. Then suddenly, met dh and the clock started banging in my ear and i had him at 37.

It's positive that you are starting to listen to your subconscious. I hear you about the financial situation but at least now you can sort of give yourself a timeline and have a plan to aim towards being in a position to start a family. Would your parents never consider moving closer to you if you had a family?

Things change, we change. I hope you get the promoted job and can start planning for little footsteps.

Thank you perfume-that's such a nice reply. I would love to be planning for little footsteps and I guess I just don't want to be too old when it happens. Thinking of my SIL who is lovely and young, with no financial cares and lots of support around:-(

Parents would not move to city-they love the country plus my dads business is based where they are.

I hear you pinkflip flop.

I was jealous (as well as happy) when db & sil announced their first pregnancy. Mostly it was down to me wanting children and sil being much younger than me. It felt like I was being "robbed" of producing the first grandchild (which is melodramatic, but hey, there's no accounting for our deepest, darkest insecurities ). I wanted to wail "it should have been me".

Also, they live close to both sides of the family, childcare was shared between both families and I knew that their children would grow up so close to both sets of grandparents.

I was also jealous of my sil's relationship to my mum which was particularly crazy as I have a great relationship with my mum, and my sil.

Anyway, it was the push I needed to realise that I wanted to start a family with dh and hang the financial cost. There is only 8 months between ds & dn . Ok, we don't have the childcare on tap but ds has a great relationship with his grandparents, his aunt and uncle and his cousins (2 so far and one more on the way).

I know it feels like you can't have a child for financial reasons, but it's not a bad idea even to just start a wee savings account and plan for a future where you do get a permanent contract, or even consider downsizing?

Btw, I was 32 when sil got pregnant. 33 when we started ttc, 34 when ds born.

for your SIL it won't be perfect and there will be things she envies about you.

this does sound like your own subconcious calling and it is never logical!!

If I were you would start thinking about how you will turn the finances round to get to a point where you can consider dc.

I'm feeling very excited for you! its a fantastic thing to do, a real adventure.

btw I am the elder and my bro had kids before me. there is something to be said for getting grandparents 'trained' by other grand children first!!!

I just took some some time to re-read the replies to my post from last night and just wanted to say thanks again for taking the time to post.

It's nice to know that there are people who can see my point of view as well as being able to point out things from the other side.

I am still feeling upset about it - yes jealous. I feel like there is a big pile of anger inside and I am worried I wont be able to plaster a great big smile on my face and wish congratulations and join in all the happiness when the babies come (but I know I have to)

I am not very good at talking about my feelings in RL to anyone other that DH so this is helping.

My mum is very in tune with how I am feeling and asked me what on earth was wrong and I told her briefly but I think she is that I can't be I will never mention it again to her as I don't want to rain on the parade of her excitement etc

Ah bless you, I think it must feel lonely, mum and sil having all the excitement of the twins. Please don't clam up with your mum, she most probably is sad that you are not in the position to start your family too.

When they set up brother to start his business, was there never any offer to do this for you too in the future, if you needed it? Because I was just thinking, if a cash injection allowed you to move nearer them and commute it might allow you to get cracking. At the very least, it would make things seem fairer. It's not really on to help out one child and not the other.

She is a mum and a woman, I bet she does worry that deep down you are being deprived of this massive life experience. Maybe she doesn't know how to broach the child issue with you? You moving away and being independant is great, but she might think it's because living near her doesn't appeal, or wouldn't fulfill you. You need to open up to her, trust me, she will be receptive and she will recognise this is not about sil per se, but about you feeling your choices are so limited. xx

OP

My SIL announced her pregnancy on the day I found out we had a false alarm, Christmas Eve 2006. 1st Christmas away from my family (when all my family who hadn't spent xmas together for 8 years had managed to get together - MIL refused to swap as it wasn't convenient for her ). I can't tell you how jealous I was, how sad and how much I actually wanted to punch both sil and mil for taking away what we had been building up to. And we were the older couple! In addition to that as they announced to other family 2 days later everyone then came up to us and asked us when we were going to have one. Salt in wound big time. It was the worst xmas I had ever had, followed by 2 months later my uncle dying from a stroke and my father having one.

I was so bitter and jealous and envious and knew that sil would get all the help and us none and we would become even lower down the pecking order.

Fast forward to now, 3 weeks after my uncle died I took a pg test, was positive, there is 4 months between dd and dniece, and even more twist of fate 4 months between ds (5months) and dnephew (9months). Apparently we shit on their parade as they announce pg and then we go and do it so we are last in the door and the most recent.

It is natural for your parents to be excited, and realistically if you weren't feeling so low about lots of other things too you would be too, and you would probably be quite grateful that you aren't having twins and actually that you aren't 26. SIL is 3 years younger and none of her friends had started to have dc when she did, mine did and we all have children within a year, her friends are only just starting.

You are going to be jealous of your db and sil getting loads of help, that I am afraid won't go away but you will learn to live with it and to be proud of your independence. Just remember when your time comes that if you need help to call your mum I would expect she would jump at the opp to help you out

Also I would be honest with you dmum without sil present, if she says what is wrong say you are so pleased for them but wish it was you that was pg and had such great support but that at the mo you are trying to work out your finances so that you can have a child. Don't bang on about it or money or anything but if you mum asks I am sure she will be sympathetic and probably a little sad for you too and might just cut out on the talking all the time about how exciting it it. I don't know but I feel honesty is the best policy in situations like this as it will also stop the "so when are you doing it" conversations which can be so insensitive.

good luck and hope it all works out.

And so sorry that was so long just wanted to let you know it might be doom and gloom now BUT it won't always be and if this is the inspiration you need to move forward with your family there is nothing nicer than close in age cousins

Thanks Perfume. My brother was always the black sheep of the family, tbh always in trouble one way or another. Gambling, bad crowds, drifting from one job to another - no qualifications - so I think my parents felt they were obliged to help them out. They were delighted when he got married tbh and so thankful that his wife would take him SIL loves my brother dearly, so they are a great match.

I worked hard at school, not really bright, just worked - went to uni.

Financially parents gave us a deposit for our house - but they bought my brother his house

By the way the business that my brother has is his third business, the other 2 went down - all 3 bought by my parents for him.

Parents have told myself that their house will belong to my dh and I after they pass - and while that's kind etc, it's no good to me at this point.

Oh god, I don't want this to be about money as well as jealous

Thanks figgy, I'm glad things turned out well for you in the end. I enjoyed reading your post.

I have another guilty confession.

I am looking at my phone and there are 8 missed calls from my mum and I just can't talk to her atm.

I have NEVER ever ignored before - I just feel like I don't recognise myself.

Ring your mum!

You mustn't beat yourself up for having completely normal feelings. What you FEEL can't hurt anyone (except yourself of course). What you DO, and how you act towards others is what counts.

So deep breaths, chin up, and act pleased for them all.

Your time will come, Pink. And when it does, they will all be delighted for YOU.

I agree ith Iwasyoungonce, call your mum. Really if you can't talk to her about this she will probably feel even worse and not know what to do for you.

Don't let this ruin your relationship with all of them and totally agree that what you feel is only going to hurt yourself but your actions will define you and will help you move forward in time. I have also seen first hand what bitterness and jealousy can do to someone and for some reason it builds and builds and builds and breaks relationships. It is hard but it is always better to try and be the bigger person on this and I expect you will find your mother is so totally on your side and probably wishes that she could do all of this for you with the baby support etc but whilst she can't she is projecting through SIL. Another flip here is imagine how your SIL mother must feel if you dmum is doing her job!

Honestly - having a loving family can be a minefield at times (and I speak from experience with both IL's and our own family!!!!!) just remember to love your dn's when they arrive, they will always be the innocents and so often if things get slightly out of hand its the next generation that feel the full effect.

PS NOW CALL YOUR MUM SHE'S WORRIED YOU SILLY BILLY!

Call! You are having normal feelings but she could help you sort out why.

Previous post was right....your actions now are what can hurt people.

Reading the whole thread, I think you need to tell yourself that actually your parents have done a lot more for you than many people get. Deposit for your house, saying they will leave their house to you in their will etc

You are comparing directly with your brother, so you feel hard done by, but it may help to think bigger, and realise that actually you've had a fair bit of help.

Secondly, I think you need to focus on the fact that you have a job (your SIL has never worked - that's shocking for a 26 year old, and is no preparation for real life!). OK, she may seem to have it easy now, but before long those children will be in school, growing up... her life will be pretty empty and she'll be totally left behind in the career stakes having never worked.

Thirdly, although it seems nice getting free childcare, it rarely comes without strings attached, and your SIL may find that your mother doesn't do things the way she likes which will cause friction. You will have the advantage, when you have children, of being able to pick the childcare you feel is best for your children, rather than feeling pressurised into taking what's offered.

I really think, although it's hard now, there can be much harder long term effects from living in the parental pockets. You have the independence, and the satisfaction of knowing you have achieved what you have on your own merits, not through your parents micromanaging your life for you