Genuinely happy for them but I'm also jealous - what's wrong with me:-(

[Pinkflipflop]

I'll try to be brief.

My brother and his wife are about to have twins - first grand children on both sides.

I'm happy for them - I get on ok with both of them but not esepcially close.

They live next door to my parents (which has always bothered me as I'm so close to my mum, but live almost 2 hours away)

Parents set my bro up in a business - so money isn't an issue for them - not flush - not stretched. SIL is 26 and has never worked.

Now - I'm 32 and due to a very competitive job and retraining when I was 26 - it means that I'm still waiting to get a permanent job. It's likely this year - but no guarantees.

Now my mum has told me that when the babies come she will be looking after them part time and SIL will put them in nursery 2 days a week (because it's good for them - not becasue she has a job!!)

Anyway DH and I not in a position to have a baby yet (job situ) we would lose our house if I was not working as it's takes both incomes to pay our mortgage. I'm on a series of term time contracts - so don't qualify for maternity pay apart from smp.

I know what I have is plain jealousy of:

-SIL and mum sharing what I don't have

• financial support bro and SIL recieved to
• Mum offereing free childcare to SIL and bro as we have no one around us to do that should we ever be in that situation

I feel really down about this and I really don't wont to spoil things or bring a negative vibe to our family through jealousy.

It helps to vent here as no one in RL would understand.

Thanks for that Violet - I needed to hear that. I'm worried that I'm starting to wallow now and just need to give myself a shake.

I like the points you make about parents micromanaging - that's something I never considered and yet something I couldn't tolerate if it were to happen.

Mum has just rang again - I'm going to ring her later as I have to go out now - to see a friend who has just had a baby of all things to have to do today!!!

Thanks again

Just wanted to second what violet has said.
She is right!

My sister feels a bit like you about the help our mum has given/does give me and she feels left out and a bit jealous. But please don't let it come between you and your mum.

I personally feel that it's impossible to treat your children equally throughout life, there are different needs at different times. I think that applies from childhood right through to when they are adults.

You parents may have bought your brother's house because they feared he would otherwise ask to live with them! And they could not cope with that for their own sanity. That would be a decision they took at the time about what was best for them and not anything to do with anyone else (if that makes any sense?!)

Can totally understand your feelings though, please don't get me wrong!

Just to add though, my cousin had twins and iit was extremely hard work! You may find your feelings change once the babies are here because honestly one baby is a lot of work, but two!! My cousin always wanted a big family but she has stuck with just her twins (now 10) she simply could not risk falling pregnant with twins again. All she remembers of their first months was tiredness and depression, it was so so hard. She had lots of help but at the end of the day she was the mummy and had to 'man up' and get on with it. I remember feeling so sorry for her at the time.

Yes, I was thinking that your parents may well see you as the one who can look after herself and who doesn't need as much help. Which is a compliment really

Another vote for ring your mum

Violethill made some very good points, especially when the twins go off to school, and when your mum does things sil disagrees with. It won't all be hearts and flowers.

Reading about your brothers failures makes this easier to understand. Your parents clearly are disappointed in him and bailing him out constantly. The fact you are independant and capable is a huge relief for them and they may just be so preoccupied with keeping db on the straight and narrow that they forget you have needs/feelings. But it sounds like your mother adores you and is proud of you. I really hope you open up to her, tell her your wishes, hopes and dreams and make her feel included in the plans for the future.

Lesten, if we all waited until we could afford kids the population would be decimated We never have enough money to really afford it, not if you really think about every expense. Sometimes you just have to cut corners and go for it, jump in.

It is shit of parents to so clearly favour one child over another. They should only do for one what they are prepared to do for all.

3 businesses and a house for one and a house deposit for the other is shit.

I also have no idea why a woman with no job needs so much childcare. And nursery is not good for babies. It's adequate, but if you aren't working you don't send them.

I'm not surprised you're annoyed. They sound coddled and spoilt and listening to your mother gassing on about this pregnancy when you are not in a position to get pregnant must be infuriating.

When I got pg first time my dsis was going through fertility treatment. My mum did not dance jigs about how happy she was to be a grandmother - she was concerned for both our feelings and happiness.

Also, at 32 I would not be leaving my fertility in the hands of my employers. If you definitely want children start doing things to make it happen.

Actually, when you put it like that, I agree Spidookly. The brother seems to get everything on a plate, and now the dil. I think they should be more balanced. They seem to have money to throw at him, and surely they cannot continue to bail him out whilst you get nothing.

You do need to tell your mum what you told us, about the fact you want kids and are not in a financial position yet. Not asking for money, but letting her see db is not the only child struggling.

Honestly, reading your op, who do you think has the better life? Your SIL who has never worked, has a husband with two failed businesses behind him and is dependent on his parents for a home and livelihood?? Hardly.

I would much sooner be in your shoes, with two incomes from jobs you've got on your own merits, and INDEPENDENCE from your mothers apron strings.

I agree with the advice about not putting a baby off too long though. You WILL manage. We all do. And ignore the doom merchants who patronisingly tell you that a nursery is 'only satisfactory' and not best. Rubbish. My kids went to a fabulous Nursery three days a week (which I wouldn't have been able to afford if I hadn't been working anyway!) and now They Are teenagers I can vouch for the fact they are happy, independent, sociable and clever. In fact the only difference going to nursery has made is that it enabled me to keep my career going so that we now both have good money and good pensions. I would put your SIL out of your mind, and focus on your life. And I also agree that twins could be very stressful anyway.

So it is better for babies to be looked after in large groups by a changing shift of poorly paid teenagers than by their own parents?

Of course it is.

Childcare is great but if you need full time child care when you are not working you are a shit mother.

Oh go and swivel.

Theres fantastic childcare out there as well as poor, (just as there are good and bad parents, and good and bad grandparents)

At least the op will have a choice about how her child is looked after rather than feeling bulldozed into leaving her kids with her mil. Its just so unecessary to start spouting negative and unfounded opinions to the op who is feeling a bit upset about her situation right now

I'm talking about the lazy gobshite sil who is going to have part-time granny care and part time nursery while she is sitting at home on her arse doing nothing.

What is the point of that? Childcare makes sense if you're out working because work brings its own benefits to the family.

Of course there is good childcare, and far better to pay for your own childcare than press relatives into unpaid service.

Parents of multiple offspring often get into stupid situations by tying themselves down with childcare commitments for the nearest or the first to have children. If she's a part-time childminder she will have a lot less time to visit her daughter, which will become a problem if that daughter also has children.

Er.... The experience children have at nursery is going to be the same whether their mother is working or whether she is sat at home watching telly. So clearly your view is that nursery is ok - 'adequate' to use your patronising term- as long as the Parent is working, but that its very much second best, and to definitely be avoided if you don't have a job. Thats your opinion only- and many of us with happy and confident offspring and rewarding careers would disagree with you! I just cant see why anyone would make this point on the thread to an op who is anxious about money and motherhood already. Just pointless and rather nasty.

Just wanted to update you on this.

So, of course I rang my mum and we had a good chat - things back to normal between us.

Anyway SIL had babies, don't think I made it cclear that their birth was so close - so maybe that was the trigger for my intense feelings over the weekend.

Babies are gorgeous - bro and SIL so proud and in love with them. Have ordered lots of gifts and I will be the doting aunt, I'm sure!

Maybe one day soon it will be me, I really hope so.

Thanks again for all your replies.

Fingers crossed for the permanent job

I hope so to....and fingers are crossed for that job!

Ooh I LOVE an update! Congrats to you, and good luck with the job x