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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't breathe it hurts so much

36 replies

cubiczirconia · 14/01/2011 01:07

I have finally asked my oh to leave. He has been having internet sex with our friends wives or wives to be. He has deceived me for a decade.

We have a young DS and I don't know how to go on.

OP posts:
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/01/2011 01:19

I don't want to let you go unanswered, but I'm not as useful as a lot of the posters here. How long have you known for? Do you have support nearby? Did your OH leave without a fight, or was it a big ugly scene?

superdragonmama · 14/01/2011 01:49

It's so sad and painful that you're going through this nightmare.

Are you ok? Are you breathing ok again now?

I really hope you're ok.

Sorry I'm not more helpful, but just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and hoping you're ok.

ItsGraceAgain · 14/01/2011 01:51

How awful for you :( You must be feeling as though everyone has betrayed you.

Don't worry about how to go on. You will! Just for now, muddle through. Get you & DS fed and dressed, that's plenty for a time when you're in shock like this. Refuse to make any decisions for SEVERAL WEEKS, even if he pushes you. You need some time to process your feelings - keep posting, please, people here will hold your hand.

Well done for telling him to go. You're worth better treatment.

I'll see how you're getting along later in the day. Hugs.

Pepa · 14/01/2011 01:52

cubiczirconia so sorry you are having to go through this. Although things seem bleak right now they will get brighter eventually. Just focus on getting through one day at a time and don't think about the big stuff yet.

elephantsaregreen · 14/01/2011 02:22

wish I could give you a hug. That sounds awful..
Things will get better and your DS will respect you so much for doing the hard, but ultimately the right thing, for you both.

You brave soul you.

Original poster
cubiczirconia · 14/01/2011 05:45

so sorry everyone to post and run but I think that I just passed out from complete exhaustion.

My oh and I were waiting for a relate appointment, we'd actually been to the initial one after some revelations at Christmas. Just before we saw the counsellor he invited a girl to our home as I was out for the evening.

OP posts:
Tortington · 14/01/2011 05:50

what a weirdo, he sounds like a dog that has to shag anything

Original poster
cubiczirconia · 14/01/2011 05:51

he is certainly not the person that i thought he was

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/01/2011 05:51

You are well rid and well done for your courage.

Grace has words of wisdom here - take it one day at a time.
Force yourself if you must to eat, drink and sleep at regular times. Not too much alcohol though.
Try not to let your mind whirl with 'what ifs'.
Take time to consciously relax, breathe deeply, notice and appreciate your surroundings.
Make lists.
Do one thing at a time.
Don't give in to any pressure to make any decisions until you're no longer reeling and you've been able to give some thought to what you want.
You will surprise yourself one day in March to find you've made it that far.

Original poster
cubiczirconia · 14/01/2011 05:59

I never thought that he could betray my trust so very badly. he has lied so very much. my head knows it is over but my heart wants to find away though. I thought thtat we were going to try and find a way though and then I discovered it was worse than he revealed. Even when I've asked hime for the truth so we can work through it he has still lied, and even carried on.

OP posts:
Original poster
cubiczirconia · 14/01/2011 06:09

oh, my lo is awake. I need to go for now. thanks everyone

OP posts:
longdarktunnel · 14/01/2011 07:38

You will feel as if you're holding your breath for a while to come. Focus on doing what you need to, rather than what you feel you should do. Accept all offers of help and don't be shy about asking. No one will judge you - this is his fault, not yours. And keep posting - MN got me through the early days when I could barely speak never mind function.

Firepile · 14/01/2011 09:47

Cubiczirconia, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

I remember not being able to breathe when I found out about my H's (sustained) infidelity. I also have a young ds. I just want to reassure you that this bit does pass, and things do get better. I am 5 months in now, and so much better than I was in the early days. And ds is coping fine.

How are you set for RL support - any friends and family around?

It is good that you are already set up with counselling - I went to mine on my own, and it has really helped me to get through it.

Take care, keep posting.

elinorbellowed · 14/01/2011 09:58

I'm not sure if you mean panic attacks when you say you can't breathe, but if you do, here are some tips. Gently place your hand on your wrist so you can feel your pulse. Sit, breathe through your nose and out through your mouth. Close your eyes, or focus on one spot and let your body tell you that it is still functioning And it won't let you down. You will be ok. E x

welshbyrd · 14/01/2011 10:07

Again, sorry can not offer any advice, just did not want to type nothing

Poor you Sad

snowpoint · 14/01/2011 13:19

cubic,so sorry for you. I know all too well how painful this is. In time, you'll be able to use this energy to get angry, and that will help carry you through the next few months. You will be ok, but it's about surviving to begin with. If you can manage it, I'd start getting copies of financial documents together, just in case you need them.

XH behaved awfully, and although the initial revelations were heartbreaking, I can now actually see that in a way, it helped that he'd done something so horrid. Because he'd behaved so badly it made for a cleaner break - it made me realise he wasn't the man I thought he was, and removed any agonising doubts about trying to make it work. I've never looked back. Does that make sense?

I hope it doesn't sound horribly insensitive at this stage, I just want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel whatever happens and you will be ok.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2011 14:50

Hoping you're getting through your day, and breathing. It's a good thing to have a child to take care of and keep you grounded at a time like this. Prevents you from losing track of yourself when you must attend to someone else's needs and having someone there who loves you and needs you is a great comfort. Try to stay 'in the moment' when you're with your LO.

After finding out bits of the truth about my exH and what he had been up to in dribs and drabs and by my own efforts and accidental discoveries on the computer, I eventually came to see the horrible discoveries as blessings in disguise because the ugly truth helped my heart to catch up all the faster with my head. But the initial period of shock was terrible.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2011 14:54

If you find you are not sleeping, not eating and really having trouble keeping it all together, please go to your GP and ask what s/he can do for you. There is no shame in taking ADs or something to help you get a night's sleep, and no shame on you for what has happened.

You need to get yourself tested for stds, very sorry to say; the staff at your GPs will be kind if you tell them the circumstances. Don't put it off too long.

stubbornhubby · 14/01/2011 15:13

your friends' wives?

what an odd expression - like it's the men are your friends, their wives are sort of appendages?

mathanxiety · 14/01/2011 15:23

So? What's yer point there?

ItsGraceAgain · 14/01/2011 16:16

Very sound advice from everyone here, Cubic. Try to keep focus on DC's needs, and your own. You will make it through - the counselling will help, so do keep your next appointment (on your own!)

It's horrible to find out the person you love was just a story, isn't it? No wonder you went into shock. Although I know lots about it now, I'll never really understand why people choose to do that.

Do the other friends of yours, who were/are involved, know about it now? It's important for you to have sympathetic people to talk to. I hope you're not feeling as if you must keep his secrets for him!

snowpoint · 14/01/2011 16:18

Staying in the moment is great advice, math. I could never see more than a few hours ahead when it all happened.

Don't imagine the future right now, you really have no idea, and for me it turned out much better than I'd ever have thought. This may well turn out to be a blessing in a very heavy disguise for you. I know it won't feel like that now though. Get all the support you can.

suburbophobe · 14/01/2011 21:33

You can do this!

Good for you for finally opening your eyes to the truth!

It WILL get better for you, now you see it, hard at first, but SO MUCH better than THAT!

  • hugs! -
suburbophobe · 14/01/2011 21:43

oh, and PS, don't do relate with him, just another way to suck you in, do it for YOU! individual therapy!

These men are such hles!!

Sorry, been there, done that, got the t-shirt AND IT'S WORN OUT! Hmm

helicopterview · 14/01/2011 21:45

cubiczirconia

Sorry you are going through this.

The only morsel of good news is that it is so clearly over for you. Cut and dried. That does help in the long run, in my opinion.

Has he confessed? Explained? Told you all?

I think for you to even to begin to deal with this betrayal properly, and to help you move on on your own path, you ned to know what has gone on, and whether indeed it was just internet sex.

Has he told you the full story?