I can't breathe it hurts so much

[cubiczirconia]

I have finally asked my oh to leave. He has been having internet sex with our friends wives or wives to be. He has deceived me for a decade.

We have a young DS and I don't know how to go on.

Sometimes you have to accept that you'll never really know the full story, and somehow move on. I think it's probably difficult for people who are so used to lying, to suddenly come clean.

XH once said to me that it was probably better for me that I didn't know all the details. WTF that meant I still wonder. I suspect he'd been playing about even when the dc's were tiny, and that much of his working away probably wasn't. It's horribly hurtful initially but does make it cut and dried which helps the grieving process in the longer term.

How are you today?

Hello everyone and thankyou all so much for your replies and words of support and comfort. I'm sorry that I kind of posted and ran but I've just been in the middle of so much stuff for the last couple of days.

I am in such turmoil and I can't maintain one thought with much certainty in my decision for more than a few hours. I'm afraid to say that I'm back and forth with 'leave' and 'try'. Though I know I am likely to be being foolish.

My family are hopeless and are only willing to support me if I leave him which is not at all helpful tbh. My sis let rip that if I 'tried' then my oh could not come to her house or see her children, because she didn't want to 'risk it'. As in she thinks that my oh is a danger to her children. Mostly because she has vey strong feelings about internet pornography which my husband has been addicted to for most of his adult life. But as far as I'm aware it is all adult porn, and nothing illegal. It is a genuine addiction, he has nearly lost two jobs because of it.

It is so hurtful to be told by my sis he would be a risk because it makes me feel that I am putting my DS at risk and I know it is not the case.

Sadly her input on this last night completely tipped me over the edge and I found myself with a pack of tramadol and a wild idea in my head. Thank the Lord for the Samaritans, they really do an amazing job.

So I'm now in a better psychological place today. I expect that oh will stay moved out and we will need to make some longer term plans about how that is going to work.

I intend to see my GP to get some time off work just to get some breathing space for a couple of weeks, and also and STD screen to be sure (I'd been thinking of it too math).

We are at Relate together and I sort of feel I need to work that part of the process through to help me decide what I want to do. I hope I don't end up with a worn out tshirt too sububophobe.

So that is kind of where I am and I would appreciate being able to come back to talk to you all. I've got very supportive friends (one who is now disposing of said tramadol) and I think I'll be ok, it is just going to take a while.

Sorry for all the typos but I cannot be arsed to go back through it all.

P.S stubbornhubby you are a fuckwit. Thanks to everyone else. I used that expression to explain that they weren't just my friends, they were his friends too, fuck off and be 'helpful' somewhere else.

Well, it sounds like you are definitely better off without him.

And if he's 'addicted' to porn, as you put it, then I'm not surprised that your sister would feel as she does about him.

Just get shot of him. Your family is giving you a very clear message. Why on earth would you want to consider keeping him? You are worth so much more than this, and your DS does not need him as a role model as he is growing up.

Re porn: 'nearly lost two jobs because of it' is ringing alarm bells with me. And your sister's extreme reaction further underlines this.

If he is accessing porn at work then it is really serious. Not that you need me to tell you that.

Addiction to porn - hmmmm.

It's hard to stay away from a computer, but at the same time your H hasn't hit rock bottom yet if it's cost him two jobs so far, and if the whole sexual promiscuity and lack of respect for real relationships and real other people thing has jeopardised his marriage and his family life and he is showing no sign of stopping. I don't think Relate is going to be useful for him tbh. So much of marriage counselling depends on people being motivated and genuinely desiring to recommit to a relationship in good faith.

There is no way you can fix this alone, CZ, and no amount of trying on your part will make him change or value what he has in his wife and his DC. There's a chance really tough love might work (kicking him out, sticking to your guns, making him suffer the consequences) but you have to be prepared emotionally for the possible outcome of all this - that your H is going to wreck this relationship and that he doesn't care. And also that if you need to smudge your line in the sand you will never have all of him, just what's left over after he's given most of himself to the promiscuity and the porn.

Hi. I think that he has hit rock bottom in the last few days, I feel really bad for him but I think that ultimatley it will do him good as it seems to have made everything very real.

I don't know how it will work out at Relate but I need to go through the process. Hopefully it will help him and even if it doesn't help my realtionship with him hopefully it will help him be more like the Dad he wants to be. I need to support him with that for DS sake I feel and also as I still care deeply for him.

We are making some longer term plans for where he stays at the moment and it is going to be hard for us both. We need to fill in DS tomorrow and I've only the vaguest idea of where to start. Helpful suggestions appreciated.

Start with the statement that this is something between the two parents and not something the DS has done, that you love him and care for him and will always, but that between the two of you, things have come to an end, but you will both still be his parents and will still both take care of him.

You don't seem to be committed either way. Why not tell your son that his father will be going away to work now and isn't able to come home every day.

When you have decided what you want you can tell your son. I think it would be very damaging to have that conversation where you say daddy has left, might come back, might not, yes he is, no he isn't! Be very sure first.

So yesterday was truely awful but we have now told DS. So very hard. I feel sort of numb. I'm now in the process of figuring out what help I'm entitled to and any legal stuff that will be useful. Any hints gratefully received.

Does this mean it's over, finito, forever? Are you still going to relate? I'm not sure can relate help you to split up or do they always work towards reconciliation.

CAB for advice re:benefits. Local District council are helpful if you rent and need help with council tax.

Yes this seems to be it over. I've just go to pick myself up now and try and sort out my life. Relate should be able to help us to get to a good place in terms of parenting our DS together, so for that reason I'm going to continue to go. Thankyou everyone for your help.