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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Parent death

28 replies

AliGrylls · 14/01/2011 00:03

Found out my dad died this evening of a massive heart attack. I am not feeling anything at the moment except for the fact I can't sleep. Is this normal?

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Northernlurker · 14/01/2011 00:06

Oh you poor thing. You're not by yourself are you - is somebody there with you?

I would say what you feel is totally normal. You're in shock. Get a hot drink if you haven't one already, wrap up warm. A hot water bottle would be good and just sit. Don't try to sleep - you won't! I'm so sorry Sad

AimingForSerenity · 14/01/2011 00:10

So sorry for your loss.

Have been through similar myself and there is no normal in these situations. You just have to go with how you feel at any moment.

AliGrylls · 14/01/2011 00:10

My 8 week old baby is with me. DH is now asleep downstairs. Would it be mean to wake him?

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ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 00:10

Ali - I'm so sorry x

What you are feeling is shock and disbelief - presuming you had a good relationship with him that is and no other reason to feel any other way.

Do what Northern has suggested.

I hope you have someone there with you for when the shock does wear off?

Stac2011 · 14/01/2011 00:11

aligrylls so sorry for your loss. There are no hard and fast rules to the way you greive. You will probably go through every emotion there is. At the moment i expect your in shock. My mum passed away in the same way. Thinking of you at this sad time

perfumedlife · 14/01/2011 00:12

Oh Ali you poor love. Of course you should wake him. You must be in terrible shock. My heart goes out to you.

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 00:12

No my love, of course it wouldn't be mean to wake him. What I would do instead though is go and cuddle with him, see if his warmth and breathing pattern will help you drift off.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 14/01/2011 00:12

Not mean at all

Sorry to hear your news. My dad died recently also

Northernlurker · 14/01/2011 00:13

Does dh know what's happened? Either way tbh yes wake him and get him to hold you and cuddle your baby. This is a very physical situation - your body is reacting to emotional pain and you need to be warm and held.

AliGrylls · 14/01/2011 00:19

Yes he does know. I came upstairs to be alone for a while. I just felt I needed a bit of space to think about him on my own.

My dad was stroppy and difficult but a great father in spite of this.

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LittlePushka · 14/01/2011 00:19

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Whatever you feel is ok and normal... Sad

At the time my Dad died I wrote down everything I could remember that my dad had told me, stories jokes or even just recalling the mundane conversations we'd had in the weeks before he died. I have to say, it has helped hugely in the last 18 months to keep his memory fresh.

There are some very supportive threads active at the moment in the bereavement topic. One is called something like" Anyone grieving a parent" - In fact, I find that whole topic is a very cathartic place to read/post.

My thoughts are with you.

Northernlurker · 14/01/2011 00:22

Of course he was great and you loved him and this is just going to be a very hard time. The love you have for him isn't over - you still have it and you still have his love. It's with you always.

I have to go to bed now - work tomorrow/today but will check back in with this thread tomorrow.

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 00:27

Cuddle up with DH and try to get some sleep with him.

smellycatsmellycat · 14/01/2011 00:33

Am so sorry for you, sending love and comfort your way x

browneyesblue · 14/01/2011 00:33

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Not mean to wake him at all. You must be in shock - give yourself time to start processing what's happened.

Take care of yourself, and let those that love you take care of you too.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt - really sorry to hear about your loss too.

ItsGraceAgain · 14/01/2011 01:38

Yes, it's shock. Don't worry, it happens to everybody - horrible as it feels, it's natural and everyone who's suffered a close bereavements will understand. Have you got 'white noise in your head'? Lasts for weeks. No, you can't concentrate while that's going on - it's something your mind does to shut you up while it processes the news.

When a parent dies, your whole personal landscape has changed for good, hasn't it? Quite suddenly as a rule. My dad was an arse of the lower orders, but he was a defining feature in all of my life and who I was. The shock & grief were just the same.

Don't drink much alcohol - it won't change anything, only delay your recovery. Do talk to other people who've experienced it. Do try & stay in touch with the everyday world: most people will understand that you might be a bit quiet and have to leave early. Don't force yourself to accept challenges! You're challenged enough as it is - get compassionate leave from work (if you have an employer) and use a sick note or holiday to extend it, if you feel the need. Do eat! Anything's better than nothing, and do drink plenty of water.

You're not over the first shock until the 'noise' stops. It will take up to two years to actually come to terms with the whole grief thing; you'll just find it happens as you go along.

Be gentle on yourself, and require those close to you to give you plenty of space. You're not alone, though I bet you feel it. Thinking of you.

snowyweather · 14/01/2011 01:48

I so agree with ItsGraceAgain, when you join the big club out there of the bereaved do allow yourself time.

It took me 2 years to come to terms with the loss of my father, but knowing that it was likely to take that long, and that the grief would be long and cause massive physical reactions that were going to make me feel like crap, as well as emotional reactions helped me so much.

Stac2011 · 14/01/2011 07:35

just wanted to check in and see how your doing ali stupid question i know but one that'll be asked a million times. Did you manage to sleep? Will check back later hun

MortaIWombat · 14/01/2011 12:19

I'm no good at all at emotional things, but I'm really sorry for your loss.

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 18:56

Ali - I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. It's a very very difficult thing to go through - we're all here if you want to talk, if not, just know we are thinking of you x

maristella · 14/01/2011 19:36

Ali i'm so sorry, i hope you're taking good care of yourself right now x

AliGrylls · 14/01/2011 22:41

I really wanted to come back on here today but everything just got in the way. I think the way it happened was as much of a shock as anything else. It was so sudden.

DH has spent most of the day listening to my witter. I feel I can't stop talking and crying. MIL is just amazing and I love her (I realised). She always says the right things and makes me laugh even when things are really crap. I told her I loved her and I think she was shocked.

When I look at DS1 he has all my dad's lovely characteristics but without the hangups and unhappy childhood. He just has so much energy and such a sense of fun. He loves football too. I have no idea who will teach him. My dad was so good at that sort of thing. Oh dear now I feel sad again.

Grace - you put it so well. My dad was really tricky at times but it seems to be that in spite of how he behaved in recent years I still love him. I love your advice.

Thank you everyone. Feeling better that I posted and spent the whole day talking.

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ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 18:27

Ali - did your Dad have a history with his heart or was it a complete shock to you?

Even if he did, it's still a huge shock and that alone is so very hard to come to terms with.

You expect your Dad to be there forever and when he's taken away so suddenly life changes forever.

It's not wittering - wittering is when you go on about the woman in the supermarket, talking about your Dad and how you feel is not x

The talking and crying goes on for a while - it's normal.

It's lovely that you are feeling that way about your MIL. I'm glad she is there for you. Do you have any of your family around?

How nice to have your DS who is a living memory of your Dad. Your DH will have to step up to the plate and teach him the things your Dad would have, as best he can.

AliGrylls · 15/01/2011 19:20

Chipping it is so good to hear you.

It was sort of a shock. The weird thing is that he has a history of pneumonia and two weeks ago when I was lying in bed I thought I should make an effort because he may not be around much longer - I thought that was what would take him. The managed to resolve the pneumonia and then a few days later this happened. In some ways I felt prepared for his death. The shock was because it was so sudden and that it was his heart - he was a health freak.

My sister has both taken it really badly so she can't really be there for me. My mum is just being my mum. I think they are both behaving slightly bizarrely (they probably think I am too).

I feel so lucky I have the MIL I have. She always knows how to make me feel better. With the support I have from DH and MIL I feel like I don't need much help. DH is just so good at listening.

I actually feel so much better today (even though I am angry at my father now for his behaviour over the last few years - he was so terrible to my mum). Emotions are so complicated.

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maltesers · 15/01/2011 22:15

So sorry to hear about your dad. I have all the same to some cos my dad is very ill in hospital with heart failure and pleurisy. Its my mum we hav to take care of who is the difficult horrible one. . .Dad is even tempered and kind.