Xp's ex-wife and domestic violence

[abitstunned]

test

.......

Am a name-changer, don't want to give too many details.

Met XP's ex-wife yesterday and one of his children. She told me some of the things he did to her, which I didn't know about before. Knives, broken teeth, permanent damage to eyesight. He had told me one time of something he did which he said was in self-defence but she told me what actually happened. His DC told me how he hit both DCs.

I was stunned. I don't know what to do know about my DC and contact with XP, he currently has DC 2 days and nights a week. I am thinking that he will only repeat behaviour.

He was violent to me but nowhere in the same league as ex-wife. Was more verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

Have contacted my solicitor but need some support and advice. Am literally shaking here.

Tks

You poor thing

What a horrible shock

I am glad you are away from him, but also concerned that your dc will have unsupervised contact with him

Please speak to a solicitor or start with Women's Aid

you need some professional guidance

I don't want to be too specific just in case he finds this. DC is 4. Was with xp a year before getting pg. Split up and went back many times. Have tried to keep up contact but feel this could be final straw. Am worried he wil pursue me if I stop contact, I have reasonable support but am frightened now. The ex-wife and daughter were so matter-of-fact about what they had been through. I don't want my DC to be hit when old enough to answer back.

Am worried that I have allowed contact for 2 years and if I stop now court will not look kindly - I have condoned. Also ex-wife expressed concern over xp's use of class B drug, again I am aware of this usage but can I now use it against him?
Have no court order or anything, xp has PR.

You need professional advice

sorry, that sounds like I think you shouldn't be posting

you absolutely should

but we can't give you a definitive answer, we can only sympathise

thanks AF
I know

Have spoken to DV lady who was lovely and advised speaking to solicitor, I have emailed solicitor. Trouble is she is not really very helpful, I don't have a good relationship with her. Had enough trouble finding one (on legal aid).

Am worrying about withdrawing contact because of DC's reaction, daddy on pedestal at the moment. But cannot bear thought of DC suffering in future.

DC is ok but always a bit "naughty" pushing boundaries etc. XP has history of talking inappropriately to DC. No physical neglect.

I naively presumed that he refrains from drug when DC there but am stupid. Course he doesn't. Can't prove it though.

Oh GOd.

talking inappropriately ???

how do you mean ?

I can't really. Paranoid about him finding this. Not sexually inappropriate - age inappropriate, treating DC like an adult who could comment on adult themes. Have spoken to solicitor about this before but she says there isn't much in law they can do.

I am frightened of him still, ex-wife was able to stand up to him and look him in the eye, ignore him, etc. I can't do that. DV lady can refer me to the Freedom programme, I have the book to look at. But immediate issue is contact.

how would he find this ?

is he a regular user of Mumsnet ?

does he know you use it ?

unless you put googlable details in your posts, he ain't gonna find it

but I respect your reticence in not posting details of course

I would say stop contact pending drug tests. If you have reason to believe that this man is taking drugs while looking after DC then that's a good reason for stopping contact - people have been able to insist on XPs having drug/alcohol tests before allowing contact.
Then while that's being sorted out you can get on with getting advice from WA on a better solicitor and all the other things you can do to keep this man well away from you and ensure that what contact he has with DC is minimal and only for DC's benefit.

I'm so sorry, I can feel your fear. How horrendous for you.

All advice as above plus please don't worry about using anything against him that you can, and don't be worrying about dc not seeing father. You need to protect your dc and stop him seeing them if at all possible.

AF I know it seems paranoid but he has posted a whole lot of untruth about me on another website, which I found by accident, so I never know if he is some kind of google-spider-bot who would pick up on anything similar.

Thanks SGB and Proud
Would my solicitor advise about drug testing and how I could get it done? presumably he would have to consent and I can't see that happening.

If he won't consent to drug testing, he doesn't get to see DC. End of. That is perfectly reasonable and the courts will back you up.

ABS...I am not judging you

you should post only what you are happy to do so x

Did the ex wife press charges? Is there anything evidenced anywhere re him hitting the children?

No I don't think she did. Think something went into the divorce petition though.

If ex-wife would give statement would that hold any weight with courts? or is he innocent until proven guilty?

I have no idea I'm afraid, but I know that violence towards children is treated with much greater gravity.

It may be worth considering, if you stop contact and he takes you to court, will you be able to get his ex wife and child to testify against him?

Thanks Loopy
And thanks everyone. I am going to bed now. Do appreciate all your advice.

Sorry you're going through this op, it's really hard and takes a lot of time to get over an abusive relationship.

I was just wondering, does xp have access to dc's with exw? If not, then why not? This could help your case with regards to with-holding access.

look after yourself, ABS

I hope you have some RL support x