Tell me to get a grip

[shinybaubles]

I am so miserable,I mean really really down, I hate living here, have no friends, even less money, I am so lonely and feel like my brain is melting.
I have felt like this for at least a year - the truth is probably more, I can normally manage to kick myself up the rear and pull it together rather than wallow in the self pity that has taken over today. Aah I hate myself for feeling like this and beeing so bloody pathetic .
And I am even more embarassedby reading some of the threads on here and realising howt ruly hard some people have it.

Poor you - you don't sound very shiny at all today.

Have you felt like this before, or did it just start a year ago? You say you hate where you are living - is it somewhere you have moved to (unwillingly or willingly)? or somewhere you have lived for a while and fallen out of love with?

Please don't be hard on yourself, there's always a reason for feeling as we do.

If you tell me a bit more about your situation, I may be able to help more. I'm here to listen anyway.

No ironic isn't it the name.
I guess I have felt like this for a few years but really much less it seems to be building up and intensifying my feelings that is. I am living in Antwerp in Belgium and I hate it, I hate everything about it, please don't think we are rich expats that is so far from the truth it is almost funny, we moved here for no good reason in retrospect, to be halfway between London and where the pil live in the Netherlands, and because I wanted my ds too speak the language of his other grandparents and dad..
I have not integrated, I did try but it didn't work, so have made no friends here none - not one.
I am a housewife or a sahm or a domestic engineer depends how you phrase it, and my dh is self employed and working his butt off every hour there is to make enough money to move us back to the UK, but it can't happen soon enough for me. I keep saying to him I will leave and move in with my sis and bil and get a job I don't care what stacking shelves etc cleaning I just want to be back in the UK.
I know I sound like a horrible spoilt brat and am really aware that I am so lucky with dh and my 2 little ones, but I am so unhappy.
Thanks for taking the time to reply - I feel llike such a fraud on here with people with much bigger problems.

You're not a fraud for being on here and you are allowed to feel how you feel!
I do however think you have to now dust yourself off and do everything you can to get yourself out of this situation.
I think you could still make friends while you're there...I think you know that. Maybe because you have written the place off in your head you are now not trying at all.
What about the 'rich expat' community you joke about - seriously, is there an area or a club or mother's group they go to? All it would take is a few deep breaths and pushing yourself forward and you could find a friend or two that could be a lifeline.
You could also think of getting a job, even if it's not your first language.

Cut yourself some slack! You are not a fraud at all - your problems are just as real as everyone else's. I'm glad you are a happy family unit, that really helps. I'm also glad that DH is trying to get you back to the UK, he sounds very understanding.

Is there any way you could do something to help swell the fund? I know you have DCs and it sounds like they are at home with you, so could you do something from home? I don't know whether there is the equivalent of Avon or something in Belgium, or mystery shopping, or something internet based? Even if it doesn't pay much, I think you will feel more positive that you are speeding up the escape plan, and actually doing something will help to take your mind off things a bit.

The other thing might be to make yourself a fund-raising "thermometer" to stick on the fridge so you can fill it in and see how you are getting closer to the goal.

Do you have friends in the UK you can talk to? What part of the country did you come from, and are you looking to go back there or will anywhere do?

Please keep in touch on this thread and don't be lonely!

i feel like this OP

i don't know what the answer is. just letting you know you aren't alone.

I agree I do need to get out of here, which is why I was thinking of moving in with my sis although it would mean leaving my dc here temporarily,at least then we would have 2 incomes.
I feel dh doesn't even consider this option and I do not suggest it lightly, but I see no other way.
I have tried to make friends really I have, but in this place if you are even from the other side of Antwerp they treat you like a stranger. My ds has been at his school for almost 3 years and it is only in the last few months that I have said more than Hi to one of the other parents and the same goes for my dh who is a native speaker of the language.
I have lived away and travelled extensively and am pretty good at integrating etc, but it hasn't worked this time and I am tired of trying.

vanilla dh is brilliant and I am so lucky and I know it, he's doing all he can and I am so aware of the burden it places on him and try not to be sad or go on and on about it as I know he is doing all he can., but I want to come home - and the other ironic things is apart from my very lovely sis I have no other family, no parents to run too, and that is just being self pitying - there is no acutall home I am refering too.
We did live in London and I guess I just mean the UK in general when I say home.
I wish I could get a job, god I would love any job but we have ds2 who was 1 on Christmas eve, and I couldn't earn enough to cover childcare, people here aren't as internet savy and don't shop online etc - so internet business aren't the way forward - I already thought about that too.
We really are stranded for the time being, and to be honest we created this mess, so we have to fix it also - but I am just so fed up and desperate.

iloveit are you stranded somewhere too, I hate to think of someone else feeling like this I hope it picks up for you.

not stranded except for in my own world. i feel very isolated, can't make friends or maintain friendships once i have them. i have no partner and am not working so my days are really long and lonely.

Boo and shiny - me too

I am a single parent (as Boo knows she's met me ) I'm overweight and if I haven't got the kids and am not seeing my "bloke" I'm stuck in the house on my own and it's so depressing.

At the minute my house is a shithole (really really a shithole I'm not just saying it) and I have been farting about for 2 days instead of knuckling under and cleaning it.

I'm at uni full time (almost said fool time - freudian slip !) and the rest of the people on the course are all young and I really really feel that I don't fit in.

My ex is being a moron at the minute and winding me up and generally being a prat.

And I'm normally good at hiding it, being all cheery and happy and then cry in the car on the way home

Nothing useful really but just want to say you aren't alone.

Where is your sis, shiny?

Would she be able to fix you up with a job and somewhere to live? Is there any way she could help with childcare or is she at work too? I was just wondering whether you'd be able to bring DCs with you if you did come home early. What else is stopping you - is it not being able to afford somewhere to live here, or cost of removals etc? Would DH be able to get work/set up on his own easily here as well? Is there any way your PILs could help? I know you've probably thought of all this already, but I'm just wildly throwing out ideas in the vague hope that something might help.

You sound so bleak and desperate, I really feel for you. It's so hard on this site sometimes when you just want to pop round and give someone a hug and tell them everything will work out OK and you're bloody miles away and can only write it down.

Boo and Frogs - where are you two? I hate to think of people being lonely and feeling like they have no friends. I don't want to be patronising and give you all the usual advice about getting out and joining things, getting a job etc as I'm sure others will have told you and you've probably tried it all anyway. In my experience, friends can come from the most unexpected situations. All I would advise is don't be too hard on yourselves (especially you, Frogs - you are you, not your weight) and be open to friends of all ages. What stage are your DCs at?

frogs you do make me laugh. if you are over weight i am noel edmonds!!!

she is not overweight.

my houes is a shithole too. you would think being at home all day everyday i would have it spotless but i am so worn down by the endlessnes of it that i gave up some time ago and now it is just too much to get on top of.

same here WRT being cheery and hiding it, although it is getting harder and harder to keep up the smiley facade.

All I am saying is I wasn't the one getting oogled by blokes

Your red dress was amazing

my sister's red dress...and Shhhh! she doesn't know i have it

I know just how to feel, to feel lonely and with no friends.

Its really important to us human beings to have friends. . .
Its so so horrid to be lonely. . .I am an extrovert so need people around me every day. . .not all the time but for some of it. Is there any activity at all you could do that may involve you meeting other people. What about on mumsnet here. .are there any others in Belgium ?
I am here for you to chat to Shinybaulbles. You can chat to me like a friend.

I am probably older than you and my kids are 10, 20 and 22yrs so am 50yrs and have gone through a lot of lives hard experiences as well as the good. You have every right to feel what you are feeling so dont feel guilty. . .your needs are not being met and its no ones fault.

Support from me to you ,. . . . .

Maltesers my kids are 20, 18, 12 and 8 so I know how you feel !!

And I'm (shhhh) 41

How the hell did that happen?

Shinybaubles: You are not being pathetic nor a fraud.

I am home now, but did 3yrs in Egypt. I used to call myself Groundhog, because I never went out, well once every 3 weeks or so and only to the godforesaken hell on earth that was Carrefour. Literally every single day of my life was the exact same day after day after mindless day. On top of all this DH went native and was vile, abusive and really toxic.

I never posted on here then, because of how I thought no-one would understand.

I used to howl with the misery. literally howl. I came home 18m ago, I still struggle with agoraphobia, and don't look men in the eye that often.

Whatever you need from us to get you through this love, you just say the word?

I've been there, emails to friends was my lifeline. We can keep you going. I had ONE friend, I used to see her once or twice a month, she was a life saver, we'd text everyday, still do. She's still there

I know a few great people in Holland, part of an expat yahoo group, but none in Belgium I'm afraid. I'll ask around and see if there are any brits etc they know of in your neck of the woods?

Have you thought of contacting the embassy, see if there are any expat groups you could join? You only really need ONE good friend to keep you going.

Erm, what about setting up an online store for Expat belgians, selling belgian stuff to ship overseas..

Wow so many responses, thanks. Sorry I vanished ds 1 has come down with a tummy bug so was pretty busy yesterday evening and all night.
imustbe I have also just realised what a tip the house is - I will have to tackle that maybe this weekend, I am envious of you being at uni, I would love a chance to go back, that is one of my dreams. You are doing something pro active with your life at uni - take heart in that.
vanilla thanks you have given me abit of a boost I must say was I feeling particularly sorry for myself yesterday. My sis lives on the outskirts of London, and she could squeeze us in to her house and would love too, she works very long hours, funnily we are not tied here by dh job as it is his own company and based in the UK he works from home online mainly apart from the odd meeting etc. We are stuck because of the - sorry gotta dash and get ds2 he is cyring will come back

back again
vanilla was going to say that we are primarily stuck because of the house we have here we need to sell it but it needs renovating first we have done about half of it but have the most expensive half left. And dh puts all the cash the business makes after essentials back in to try and build the business up, and he is right to do so, I guess it is a financial problem that keeps us here.
My kids are 4 and just 1 and they are the only thing that makes me smile at the moment. I am aware that because I am unhappy I am being more short tempered and not really totally interacting and involving myself in their activities, and this is one reason we need to leave the last thing I want is for them to suffer because of me.

Thankyou maltesers aside form this I have had some really hard times I feel the last time I was truly happy was when I was 11 -and I am now 31. I just want a chance to be me and be happy.Any friendship offers are welcome.

littlemiss that is exactly how it is for me, I walk ds to school everyday and then don't leave the house otherwise, dh does the supermarket shopping etc, we have no car so easier for him he can carry more. I do feel like my brain is slowly rotting, and there has to be more to life than this. I really don't want to start Belgium bashing, that would make me really depressed and angry, but I have lived in third world countries and many other places and I hate this bloody dump.
I am glad you got out.
Not a bad idea for a shop hmm will have to think - are there even enough Belgians overseas...

shinybaubles, I didn't even do that! Whenever I went for a walk I was watched, followed and sometimes photographed. I had to be on my guard literally every second.

I was a horrid mother sometimes, being trapped in a small place surrounded by the strangest people in the world, and living with someone I wouldn't even have as a friend.

I know it's frustrating, but if you really do hate it, then you really ought to put a plan in place to come back, even if it is to your sister's

Even if that plan takes a while, you will think that you are doing something so your brain isn't going to waste.

This will pass, you will get out and you will get over it. Keep talking to your DH and to us and the time will fly by and you'll be back home.

Hi Shiny

How are you feeling today, hon?

Would you lose money on the house if you sold it as it is? Maybe a developer would buy it off you... If you could live at your sister's, could you put the house with an agency to sell and all move back here anyway? Maybe take a trip over to Belgium every couple of months to check up on it. It has got to be easier for DH to be based in UK with his company?

Another idea to pass the time - is there anything you can do in DH's business that would help him? You also said you would like to do a uni course - what about the Open University? You can get all the materials and study online, and post your assignments etc. What kind of job do you want when you get home? Is there any distance learning course you can do connected with that which would help you get a job?

Still, you should be proud of yourself - it looks to me as though you have made 5 new friends since yesterday. That's not bad going! And when you get back to the UK, we'll arrange a meet-up of the "Shiny Support Group".

I'm glad we all managed to help a bit yesterday. At least you won't feel alone any more, as you only have to post on here and we're all here for you. Imagine we're all in comfy chairs in a cosy sitting room, just having a coffee and a natter. Chocolate digestive, anyone?

hi shiny, sorry you are feeling so down.

will read replies and pop back xx

littlemiss I have spoken to my lovely sis and she has agreed happily to having all of us or any combination for however long is necessary as long as I do all the cooking, she's a lousy cook but the best little sis ever. So I have said I will give it until the summer here.
Thankyou so much for your support. I am sure you're a brilliant mum you have such good advice.

vanilla I wish the housing market was like the UK but it is the total opposite people buy their houses and live in them for life,buying costs are approx 16% of purchase price which means we will make a loss - if we sell as is we have to finish renovation, renters here rent on a 9 year lease, so different. But hey we paid our money and made the choice I wish I knew I would be this miserable in advance I really did not anticipate a return to the UK I really tried hard to make this our home.
I was looking into Open Univeristy and similar a few months ago, but the truth is the cost put me off, maybe I should reasess if it makes me feel better, I feel I have sold myself short in so many areas inmy life and I need to put it right I am pretty smart underneath despite the infinite stupidty of moving here.
I do help dh the best I can with his business but working together is not good for us a couple but I do my best.
Thankyou so much vanilla you have made me smile and cry a support group you have made my day.
And could I have a dark choc digestive or otherwise a choc covered ginger biscuit if possible.

Coming right up - (I like the dark chocolate ones too!)

Tea or coffee?

OK, lets settle in for a chat.

How is DS today? Is his tummy better?

About courses etc - what job had you thought of doing? Anything you are particularly good at (other than being a fab wife and mother) or interested in? If you have anything in mind I can see what's around for you if you like.

What a fab little sis you've got! Does she have DCs as well?

How much of the work that's left to do on the house can you do yourselves? Or is it all expert stuff? Again, if there's anything you can do it will help you feel like you are nearer the end - how about learning to be a plumber?!

Another biscuit? Pass me your mug and I'll do you a refill.