Not enough sex, binge drinking and snogging people (long sorry)

[smellycatsmellycat]

This is about me not dh

I was a regular a while ago and have reemerged with a new name to air my dirty laundry and seek reassurance/slap in the face. (I don't expect to be popular with this thread!)

Does anyone else still do stupid adolescent stuff like this?

I'm 28 years old have two dd's and and lovely dh. He is a fair bit older than me and we got together when I was quite young and already had dd1. He is very dependable and lovely but can also be quite a cold person, has an acid tongue at times. We do argue but are usually pretty damn good at sorting things out. We are chalk and cheese though. He's Mr Structure, I am Mrs Chaos. He's very shy, I'm absolutely not. He's low libido, I am not cough. I want to be busy and out and about all the time, he wants to sit on the sofa in our house. We have very similar interests, though, and enjoy lots of aspects of life together. We have the same approach to parenting too. Lots of positives. I can usually see us being together forever.

But (and there are reasons for this - attention issues, previosu drug problems, depressive phases, possible adult ADHD) I have a horrible habit of getting blind drunk and snogging people. This is not like every weekend, it's like, once a year or something. But that amounts to a few times since we've been together, and the most recent time has caused major problems because it was someone I knew's partner and I have royally buggered up a good friendship and it may get back to my dh and he would obviously be mortified but I don't think it would be a deal breaker as I have forgiven him for something similar in the past. I know that I couldn't give two shits about anyone I've snogged and that I love him to death so each time I've decided to deal with my guilt, and promise myself to be more sensible in the future. I do that, then I get out of control again.

I need to sort it now though and stop being a child and damaging other people. What concerns me is that I just can't control this attention seeking stuff and I do wonder, quite often, if we are just too different. The sex thing IS a problem. He'd be happy with once a month I think, but it drives me INSANE and if I mention it (I try to be constructive and positive) he just immediately feels pressure and clams up and admittedly in his shoes I'd hate that too. So I end up internalising it and going wild the next time I go out. Thankfully I have not shagged anyone but I think I am going to have to go teetotal as I don't actually honestly trust myself not to eventually, if we don't sort something out.

I don't think we really have any chemistry any more, but I don't want to split up from him because I don't think that's a good enough reason - I love him so much but in a very affectionate way rather than passionately. I do 'need' sex, (I think he does too but not very often) and we do have sex, but it's like a tension release rather than a bonding experience... Something is just missing from our relationship.

Has anyone experienced/resolved anything like this? Please say it's not just me

Tricky situation but you are clearly not alone, judging by these boards. The more I think about relationships, the more I come to think that monogamy, marriage and the whole package that many of us have signed up for is a bit confining?! For my part I am in counselling and I think that my relationship could go in one of several ways.

1. Stay marrried but accept that one or other of us will have other relationships - emotional/physical or both. Guess this could be described as an open marriage except we probably wouldn't publicise it as such. In any case, we might both find there is no-one else out there! At this stage I am more enthusiastic about this than my partner but this could change.
2. Accept that the relationship is running its course and that we need to do something about it officially - maybe a trial separation or something.
3. Do nothing and drift on with the possibility that one or other of us at some stage will meet someone else. That could obviously happen whatever we do or don't do.

Sorry - probably not that helpful for you per se, but I do undertand your frustrations. I seem to have reached the stage of a "friendship" marriage which is lovely, in its own way, BUT - is it enough? No idea. Perhaps it is for some people.

That's the issue I think tadpoles, that it would be enough for him - I think he feels he's kind of got everything he wants and can now relax into getting old and living it. HE has a decent job, two kids, wife and house, decent social life and a good wholesome hobby. Perfect. But it isn't enough for me. I think maybe the age thing comes in here - having had my children young I think I am now kind of getting going and he is settling down. I don't have a career yet and I've been cooped up with my kids for ages - very privileged to have been supported through that but I think it's actually driven me a bit mad again, and I should have kept working.

It is confining! I think in general, monogamy fails! But I don't want it to I hope you come to a conclusion... I would imagine that an open marriage would be sensible but difficult to navigate...

Thanks for the response though, I thought I would just be shot down as a total div (I am, really).

DH and I have been together a long time and have different libidos. I have come to the conclusion that leaving a marriage over sex is ridiculous. That is just how I feel, I don't expect anyone else to agree with me.

It boils down to the same old communication issues. Talk, listen, talk and listen some more.

Good luck.

It's because your H is an old fart and you are not TBH. While there are plenty of really boring people in the world (we call them 'mundanes') whose whole lives are passive consumption, who have no idea how to make their own entertainment and are happiest when sat in front of the TV with their mouths open, if you are not like this then living with such a person eventually becomes hell.
Could you maybe take up a hobby of some sort, that gets you out of the house and active but which doesn't involve booze or body contact?

Mind you, by the sound of it your H 'rescued' you from single motherhood and you have slipped into seeing him as a parent rather than a partner on some levels. Your relationship may well have run its course.

The thing is, a person who is complacent and content in a relationship while his/her partner is obviously unhappy is not actually that wonderful a person. Is he prepared to make any compromises over the things that you are unhappy about? Or are both of you hooked on this idea that he is a longsuffering saint for having rescued a flighty young slapper and that she should be forever grateful and obedient?

Do you think maybe he'd be willing to have an open relationship?

There's something about your post though that suggests you are embarrassed about having a sex drive, or for feeling that sex is important to you. It's nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

It also sounds as though you have made a lot of bargains in this relationship, turning yourself into someone who isn't really you at all. Would you say, for example that your H doesn't really "get" you? If so, that might not be his fault, because it could be that you have been masking aspects of your personality in your determination to be Mrs. Respectable.

I think sex is very important, but I also get the sense that you need someone who sets your mind and soul alight, as well as your body. It's possible your H might have been great as a friend and co-parent, but not perhaps as a partner to you in particular?

What you recognise in yourself however is that your response to the the choices you made yourself after all, are destructive; to you, your H and to the partners of the men you need attention from. I would doubt that this aspect of your personality is solely caused by your relationship or the wrong partner, there may be murkier stuff there about constantly needing to be validated by male attention. Some counselling would help with all of these aspects.

What will also help is a no-holds barred discussion with your H about who you really are, what motivates you and why. What bits of yourself you want to show more and those that you want to recede. Your H needs to be equally honest about what he wants in a partner and what aspects of his personality he wants to stay, show or recede.

As ever, the key to this is some honesty, with yourself and with eachother. At the moment you are expressing your dissatisfaction in passive-aggressive ways, rather than bringing it to the table in an adult way - and this is hurting not just you, but other people.

WWIFN speaks sense but I would be harsher and say your behaviour is destructive, has already deeply hurt a good friend, and is very likely to negatively impact your children if this continues.

You will say 'no no I'd never do anything my kids are aware of' but I was fully FULLY aware of my mother's drunken snogs from the age of about six. Through overheard arguments with my father, her phone conversations and once with my own eyes when I was about 10. It was terribly confusing, hurtful and embarassing. I still dream about it, and I'm 40!

Plus your behaviour could wreck more freiendships. In the end no-one will trust you to be around their husband. Don't think people don't talk about you. They do.

I really think you need to find another outlet for these feelings and issues.

I agree wih proud's rather harsher interpretation of what wwifn said.

You are on a path to destruction, I think

The problem is, if i was just you that was being damaged, I would say "get on with it"

but it isn't

your DH, children, and the friends who it appears cannot trust you with their partners are also being hurt here (although of course their own partners are fuckwits too if they are joining in with your silly attention-seeking)

can I say the worst kind of fuckwit shits on her own doorstep ? And I think you are making excuses for yourself.

I think the time has come to sit down with your partner and tell what is going on in your head, before you cause a mighty atom bomb to go off in your (and your children's) life

you have outgrown your paternalistic partner and this is showing itself in fuckwit acting-out, like you are just daring him to find out

put a stop to him finding out in the worst possible way, you are being very unfair to him

it is ok to realise the chemistry isn't there any more, but not if you are on a unilateral path to wrecking so many lives

I know you're right and that's why I posted - because I actually do intend to stop doing it. I just wondered how best to do so and if anyone else felt the same so whilst I appreciate the harsh comments are keeping it real I also don't want to keep being told I am destructive because I know that...

so you intend to stop it

how ?

Your previous post said you can see yourself having an affair, and now you say you 'intend to stop doing it'.

Unfortunately you can't control these boards so you will continue to hear that what you are doing is destructive, because it is.

What steps will you take to stop the behaviour? Sounds to me like you really have to start with your marriage. Talk, have counseling, try and freshen things up, and really truly explore whether you are in 'grass is greener' mode.

However yes I think I have outgrown him but I also really deeply care about him and we have discussed various aspects of all of this previously but it is very very difficult. I am being a bit cowardly as I know I need to talk to him but I need to muster a lot of strength first. I don't think he knows I'm unhappy because I have changed myself and I've hidden it - because I thought it would be better - and have hampered certain bits of my personality but I don't think thAt was entirely wrong - it made me more aware of myself and of what is socially ok etc etc. I just haven't got the balance right so i go mental sometimes.

He wouldn't consider an open relationship he's far too traditional.

you sound monumentally selfish

you have presented a self that isn't you

now that is chafing

but you are too scared to let go of your comfortable life, the staid man but perfectly pleasant that looks afer you, that makes you feel secure (but doesn't light your fire)

ideally, what would you like ?

the paternalistic father figure who is your safety net while you sow your wild oats ?

those days are over

you are a mother of two who shouldn't be snogging her friend's partners and blaming it on "drink" your "childhood" "ADHD" blah blah

grow up and decide what you want

leave your partner or treat him better than this

So take responsibility for hiding those aspects of your personality and explain why you did that. There are two sensible suggestions from more than one poster on this thread so far; be honest with your H and have some therapy.

I wouldn't consent to an open relationship either, but I'd like to be given the choice to make a decision about my future, if my partner was going to be non-monogamous.

I think I need to drink less, that's one thing. Have a couple more often rather than a massive blow out every couple of months. I need to socialise with him more - we usually go out separately cos of lack of babysitters, money, different groups of friends etc. And I think I need to know honestly from him whether he fully supports me in my studies, career etc because I do suspect that he much preferred things - preferred me in fact - when I was housewifey and mummy and nothing else. But I hated it really and he knows that so when I've Asked him if he did, he's said stuff like 'I just want you to do what you want to do' as it is very much a loaded question.

The sex thing is important yes, and I am totally embarrassed by it, I dunno why. I think that's about attention too. I think deep down I want some ridicous level of adoration And for him to be wanting me all the time but he doesn't...

IMO couples with massively differing sex drives tend to make each other very miserable. Can you really see yourself being married to him for the next 50yrs?

I do appreciate that it is selfish and childish and do accept that.

What I would like ideally is to be closer to him, physically and emotionally, and to really feel like I have his support. But it is only me who tries to talk out these things - when I raise stuff he tends to fob it off or just tell me I'm bei g silly so it is hard to get a proper discussion going and then if we do agree to things then become distant again it is me who raises it again every time so that's why I haven't immediately scheduled another discussion...

This probably doesn't need saying, but open marriages can be very fraught. We had a period of a couple of years when we had an open marriage (my idea) and it ended up being horrendously painful for both of us.

why the name(spelling) change, mymblesson ?

I don't want an open marriage I don't think it would work for us tbh.

It was spelled wrongly in the first place! It's Mymble, not Mimble in the Moomin books. Made a slip-up when I signed up.

Can I just ask, does it need to be full on sex in order to make you happy? Would he be willing to stimulate you and not get anything in return just to make you happier?

I think smellycat is being realistic, and not, in my view, particularly selfish. If she was, surely would be merrily shagging about rather than on here sharing this dilemma?

No answers here. Agree its not the way forward but you may have to face the fact that this is it- with this man. If you want more- you may have to look for someone else who can provide that.

Whatever you do, try and establish what 1) you really want, and 2) what's just you acting out because you are frustrated. You dont want to end up with a total arse.