Not enough sex, binge drinking and snogging people (long sorry)

[smellycatsmellycat]

This is about me not dh

I was a regular a while ago and have reemerged with a new name to air my dirty laundry and seek reassurance/slap in the face. (I don't expect to be popular with this thread!)

Does anyone else still do stupid adolescent stuff like this?

I'm 28 years old have two dd's and and lovely dh. He is a fair bit older than me and we got together when I was quite young and already had dd1. He is very dependable and lovely but can also be quite a cold person, has an acid tongue at times. We do argue but are usually pretty damn good at sorting things out. We are chalk and cheese though. He's Mr Structure, I am Mrs Chaos. He's very shy, I'm absolutely not. He's low libido, I am not cough. I want to be busy and out and about all the time, he wants to sit on the sofa in our house. We have very similar interests, though, and enjoy lots of aspects of life together. We have the same approach to parenting too. Lots of positives. I can usually see us being together forever.

But (and there are reasons for this - attention issues, previosu drug problems, depressive phases, possible adult ADHD) I have a horrible habit of getting blind drunk and snogging people. This is not like every weekend, it's like, once a year or something. But that amounts to a few times since we've been together, and the most recent time has caused major problems because it was someone I knew's partner and I have royally buggered up a good friendship and it may get back to my dh and he would obviously be mortified but I don't think it would be a deal breaker as I have forgiven him for something similar in the past. I know that I couldn't give two shits about anyone I've snogged and that I love him to death so each time I've decided to deal with my guilt, and promise myself to be more sensible in the future. I do that, then I get out of control again.

I need to sort it now though and stop being a child and damaging other people. What concerns me is that I just can't control this attention seeking stuff and I do wonder, quite often, if we are just too different. The sex thing IS a problem. He'd be happy with once a month I think, but it drives me INSANE and if I mention it (I try to be constructive and positive) he just immediately feels pressure and clams up and admittedly in his shoes I'd hate that too. So I end up internalising it and going wild the next time I go out. Thankfully I have not shagged anyone but I think I am going to have to go teetotal as I don't actually honestly trust myself not to eventually, if we don't sort something out.

I don't think we really have any chemistry any more, but I don't want to split up from him because I don't think that's a good enough reason - I love him so much but in a very affectionate way rather than passionately. I do 'need' sex, (I think he does too but not very often) and we do have sex, but it's like a tension release rather than a bonding experience... Something is just missing from our relationship.

Has anyone experienced/resolved anything like this? Please say it's not just me

No I wouldn't want that it would be much better both ways!

Both ways obviously is ideal but in the meantime maybe? Perhaps it would start out him thinking it was just for you and then him ending up wanting more? They say the more you give the more you want it I think?

What about couples counselling where you can both air your views honestly, somewhere without dcs being able to hear or interrupt with a third party who can steer you both in the right direction by asking the right kind of questions?

ok, mym, I was just being nosy

You said that you have forgiven him similar in the past. Was he out snogging people? And did he give a reason why?

I think maybe counselling would help, too: but for you by yourself, not couple-counselling yet.
I think yo uare rebelling against your H but that doesn't necessarily make you 100% the villain here. I think it's possible that your H deliberately chose a woman younger than him who he thought would be compliant and obedient, and that you have outgrown that role. Were you in a bad way when you met him eg broke, living in a rough area so that the offer of stabliity and material comforts from a man you quite liked but didnt love seemed like a good deal at the time?

ok, mym, I was just being nosy

No problem. I also quite rightly had my arse kicked on another thread, so it was a good time to change anyway

who kicked your arse, mym ?

It's not important AF, they were quite right anyway. Enough derailing of this topic

I also went through a period of a couple of years of grieving for my old life, freedom, fun, escapism.

Aye, I can recognise that. That was the problem (for me) in the early years of our marriage.

In effect, we'd only known each other for around 4 days before she moved in with me (unusual I know, but all down to circumstance), then we married 3 months later, so I had a sudden change from being completely free to having a wife and responsibility. It took a while to adjust, but I'm glad it all worked out in the end.

sorry, being nosy

will shut up (and do a search instead )

found it

you can't hide on MN

fair play for your dignified withdrawal

She (and they) were quite right though. I was horribly embarrassed when I thought it through. What an eejit

tea is fab (am a fan of hers)

we have all done it (waded in without thinking), you will be fine to post another day

tea is fab

Agreed. And very articulate

she wouldn't say so, but she is

I had a relationship similar to the one you describe with my ex-partner.

He "rescued" me in a way. He was deeply committed to me and my young son and incredibly lovely, and I believed at the time that I was doing the mature thing by getting together with him and providing a stable environment for my child, even though there was never a massive spark between us. We went on to have two more children.

He soon became quite controlling - deliberately sabotaging any attempts I made to make a life for myself outside the home in terms of college and/or a job, and my social life eventually dwindled to not very much because he refused to ever go anywhere to socialise as a couple. I felt trapped and miserable.

Before I had met him, I had been quite 'wild' if you like. I drank too much and had quite a lot of sexual partners. I absolutely suppressed that wild part of myself when I was with him because I knew how much he disapproved - he used to shoot me disgusted/disappointed looks if I so much as swore in his presence.

Anyway, the reason I tell you all this is because in the end what finished our relationship was me getting blind drunk at a party and shagging someone else. Over two years later I still cringe with guilt and embarrassment when I think of it, although I have also come to see it as having been something of an act of desperation. I have certainly never regretted the end of our relationship, but god if I could change the way it had ended....

I guess what I'm saying is don't be a bloody fool like I was. Sort this situation out properly before you end up seriously hurting someone, losing the respect of the people around you, and more importantly losing respect for yourself.

You can get those things back eventually but it's a long old road.

Incidentally, if you have trouble controlling your behaviour when drunk, then that could possibly be something you need to look at. Alcohol problems come in all shapes and sizes. I got to the point where I had to accept that I could not drink safely and in moderation. I am now teetotal.

Hope it doesn't come across as if I'm trying to project all my own stuff on to you. It's just that your post struck such a chord with me, and I was wondering if perhaps my story would strike a chord with you.

I don't think you are projecting, MYODD

I think your story might be more of a wake-up call than my bossy bullshit

Cheers AF

Hi smellycat - I don't usually post in relationships ( no expertise here tbh ) bu your situation reminded me so much of an acquaintance of mine.

She was brought up in care and her older DH 'rescued' her.
The have beautiful kids and he provides very well for her and them.

But she is a pretty wild girl. She drinks far too much. And is very overly sexualised. Partly this is due to attention seeking caused by a childhood without any and a DH who gives her very little. But partly it is self destructive as despite being beautiful and a great Mother, she hates herself.

I will say the same to you as I have said to her.
Get counselling for your self esteem issues. No one drinks as much as she/you do and end up in inappropriate situations if they have solid self esteem.

I suspect you are a lovely woman, attractive, sexy and fun, but you need to recognise these things as true.

Then you need to address your marriage.

As it currently stands it is not working for you. So either somehting changes or you move on. You owe it to yourself and to your DH to make that decision.

Thanks guys, especially MYODD, that really is exactly what I am trying to avoid and no it was not projection it was pretty much exactly how I am. The main thing is that I need to talk to him about it all isn't it, and either end it or do marriage as it should be done... I have had counselling previously for everything mentioned. Might go back now.

Bertie yes he was - once or twice. Very long time ago when we were not getting on well and not having much sex. I fully understand why he did it although it was hurtful. He was mortified at himself having been on major moral high ground with me about other people cheating but got badly pissed and had a major ego massage from some bimbo and he took it. We worked hard after that to sort things out and deal with my depression and his guilt and we did it, then had dd2.

Yes, I think you have the solutions to your problem right in front of you. You're obviously an intelligent woman - you can see them for yourself.

You'll receive no judgement from me smellycat. I'm a work in progress, same as everybody else, and I've done things I'm not proud of too.

But you really have an opportunity to stop, think, and do the right thing here. Take it. As much for your own sake as anyone elses.

Good luck. I hope everything turns out well for you.

LMG
what are you suggesting!!!!!!!

I'm suggesting they compromise, talk and try to make their marriage better.